This is me bitching about the same shit.,

I go off on a tangent near the end I swear this has something to do with work it just doesn't seem like it.

Success is a funny thing right...Thats what I'm eventually going to talk about this morning.
So I accidentally slept though work tonight, for the 1st time sine I started this job, I didn't call in saying I wasn't coming in or coming in late...Side story I've been watching a lot of girl code and the episode I was just watching was about divorce, and one of the guys on the show brought up a good point, in a divorce girls need a dad around, guys can get by but girls need a dad, dad's teach you the original girl code...THIS IS SO TRUE, THE TRUEST EVER, my dad taught me to never let a dude pay for my dinner since he may think that since he payed for dinner he deserves a little dessert...yah know which is not true at all...no one eats dessert on the 1st date.

Anyway...I slept though work tonight so I ended up going out for a drink with a friend, and we were talking about me and the place that my brain is in right now and how I'm having a really hard time getting back to the place I need to be in. I realized tonight that I have been really successful in what I've done, lately I haven't felt that way, I've felt/feel like I'm failing at what I'm doing right now since I mean I slept though work tonight, I haven't been really going out and getting after it. It's like I've lost my drive (and I don't know how to get it back) I mean I know I need an actual break from everything. I need a break from work, and I really need a break from my squatter.

We had a discussion about my squatter and why I'm allowing this person to stay with me even though they aren't contributing, making my life miserable...I do it because of my polite upbringing, my parents taught me that I have to be nice to people, that I need to take care of other people, that I shouldn't let people fail, that I should be nice and if I have something to give to be helpful I should give it. However with this person I really think I need to let them fail, or be independent really, I know I keep talking about this and really the only way it relates to dancing is that we work at the same club sometimes, and for some reason the idea of this person telling everyone what a bitch I am is keeping me from sending her on her way I guess it's because I don't fucking know I'm tired of bitching about this.  Has anyone ever kicked a squatter out before what's the best way to do it?

I'm tired of work being shitty. I'm tired of shitty managers, I'm tired of being treated like an employee even though I'm not, I'm tired of not feeling like no matter what I do that managers will not back me up. I'M TIRED OF NOT HAVING ANY GOD DAMN TOILET PAPER. I'm tired of ugly ass strippers trying to be my friend. I currently am not taking applications for new friends and I had 3 people text me today that they were going to kill themselves I don't need you telling me everything is going to be okay...UUUGGGHHHH FUCK THIS JOB RIGHT NOW #ICANTEVEN I mean seriously someone get me the fuck out of seattle and away from all these people who are holding me back seriously I need to get ready for work today and really, really, do what I used to do, even though I know it's a weird cycle to think that I can change things over the course of a few hours, because I probably can't, but I really need to try because I really feel like if I can just get the old red back that everything else will just fall into place.

End of story I need to get the fuck out of this mess, I really need to get my shit together.

too nice...OR I HATE MY JOB TODAY.

I think there is a point where I quit being me and I started being too nice, looking back I can pinpoint a couple of times when I really went out of my way to care about people and their feelings and keep from hurting them. Even this last week, I had someone text me some really mean stuff, how they will never trust a woman again, who I used them for money, how I think this is all a game, how I used this person, lied to them, lead them on, how I made them feel worthless, previously they have said I inspired them to end their life, this person decides once every week at some point to tell me that they are walking out of my life. I worry about them so much that, I try and convince him to stay, I worry that if I'm not keeping an eye on them who will... that they spent x number of dollars on me and x number of dollars in gifts, and that I should feel really bad for it, that accepting these things was totally wrong and I never should have. I'm really tired of this shit. I'm tired of people putting there personal well being on me.

Why is it that considering my profession where I do accept peoples money and I do accept gifts, it's how I make a living,(every single dollar I am extremely grateful of), why is it expected of me to feel bad for accepting it? I can't force people to spend money on me? I mean I wish I could I wish I could make people do it and then at the same time I magically wouldn't feel bad about it. There have been times over the course my my job where I have known how much money people have all together or how much money they make, and I will deny them dances after a certain number so they don't spend more than they should(i.e. the gentleman that smokes Newport's and lives off of unemployment, who doesn't have money to fix his truck so he walks to the club, I don't dance for him anymore, and when I did before I found out he was choosing dancing over himself I had a 2 dance max)...That's a pretty big deal I think, I don't think there are a lot of other dancers that do that.

My immediate reaction when they text me that they spent so much money on me was...*SHIT I SHOULD HAVE PUT ALL OF THAT IN AN ACCOUNT SO I COULD RETURN IT RIGHT NOW* that has happened a couple of times, more than anything I've wanted to return money to custys just so they wouldn't have that as ammo, especially this person...They are so mad at me for not dating them, I really am not in  a place where I can date anyone, I need to focus on me right now. I said that to them and they brought up that I previously dated them, and how they were mad that I chose that person over them, which makes me a liar...even though it was quite some time ago that we dated. They also said..."we could have worked on it" what is there to work on together if I need to work on things by myself? I'm trying to protect this person from me hurting there feelings, and they just kept pushing and pushing...I'm like JEEZUS do you want me to just destroy your feelings all together? I mean really why can't people see that I'm trying to protect them from dating a stripper?

I've said so many times I wouldn't wish dating a stripper on anyone. I mean really I don't get home till 4am. I flirt with how many men a night. I need to take a shower when I get home. I hate men at times, I don't understand why they are so rude or bone headed at times...Also why does it not occure to you/them that I'm not a stripper all the time, I don't wear sexy underwear all the time, I don't wear heels all the time, and I'M NOT A GOD DAMN THERAPIST ALL THE TIME, I'M NOT YOUR GOD DAMN MOTHER, I'M NOT NURTURING ALL THE TIME, I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME. I DON'T LIKE ALL THE THINGS YOU DO. I KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DON'T LIKE ANYTHING THAT I DO...HOW DO I KNOW BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ASKING YOU QUESTIONS ENDLESSLY!

IT'S MOMENTS LIKE THIS I FUCKING HATE MY JOB!!!!

Squartters, and how I only get 6 hours of sleep

For those of you who follow my twitter, I'm sure you know I rarely sleep, and I have a squatter. I took the night off last night because well I had a nice dinner and I was so exhausted I was hallucinating...dinner was awesome (my text conversation was not).
Anywho my squatter, whom annoys me on a regular basis, somehow tonight went out with some friends and as she was leaving the bar ended up getting jumped and maced...she then woke me up at 5am. I went to bed around 11:30 mind you actually sleeping at night helped me out a ton, I think I'm going to do it more often. However dealing with a crying squatter because she was maced and had $300 stolen out of her bag was then my problem. She's a sweetheart, she takes my dog out pretty often and I feel really bad for her, I really do getting maced sucks it hasn't happened to me in 10ish years (knock on wood) however I did get it on my hands tonight from dealing with her clothing, and that shit burns. (thank you police catalog for mace wipes and overnight shipping)
I can't be mad at someone for getting maced and waking me up, I can be annoyed by how many times she has been given fake money, lost money, had it stolen, lost her wallet, dropped it, left it at a bar...etc. Still getting maced sucks.
Moving on to what constitutes as harrassment. Tonight my friend told me I should write no matter what, I haven't been writing lately out of fear of offending people, I don't like hurting peoples feeling lately I mean I never have, however this outlook has turned me into a huge pussy lately who doesn't stand up for themselves and gets walked on by squatters. Anyway.... coming up once I figure out how to quote these things...but 1st more cake.

talking about pussy...

So the other day I walk I to the bathroom and my homegirl whom happens to be African American has her leg up on the counter full vagina spread...and I'm like....
R: whoa...girl...whoa, put the trash can in front of the door so everybody knows you need privacy.
S: what's the big deal it's just black pussy it looks like roast beef no big deal.
R: I don't mean it like that I just meant I don't want to see anyone's vagina like that...I un-see that, just like I can't I hear things.
S: I had an ex once who would call it a Charleston chew.
R: I love candy! I don't want to associate vaginas with candy
Bahahahshahshshshshshshhhahah
I love that girl. The other day I ran into an ex at the gas station with her. He had two other girls with him, and I was like...fuck this I'm getting out fuck this she's trying to grab me. Nothing happened we all had a laugh but when I got back in the car...girl I was trying to grab you so we could both hop out and jump that bitch with him. It's funny but that's how we forge deep bonds in the strip club by proclaiming that you will without a doubt fuck someone up for someone else with no reason.

Silent but deadly

I wish this was about farts sadly it's myself imbibing myself with how mother fucking sad I've been the last few months. Don't ever have your home disappear it blows chunks... and I need to get over it I know however it's forced me to go through all my shit like old journals holy crap have I been dumb in the past...
A friend of mine posted on Instagram the other day that words can be weapons but silence can be mass destruction. It's so true I feel as a woman thinking back to all the times I was questioning my relationships it was the silence that killed me. The silence that answered all my questions. Actions speak louder than words. The times people pulled away disappeared didn't answer my calls gave me the most solid answers even though I didn't want to admit it at the time. I made so many excuses for people, they must be busy, they are taking a nap, they left their phone at home.
The truth is he just wasn't that into me.
I made up a rumor once that I broke up with someone so people would quit blaming him for my actions, I told him about it just so he would know, he was like okay I'll just tell them we were from different worlds and we are still friends. I remember thinking at the time how easily the words came out of his mouth. I told him not to say that because it felt too real. I didn't realize at the time how real it was. We all learn from things. I wish the me now could go back to early stripper me and tell myself just to let things be. That I walked into a different world with different rules that I didn't know. That you can't hold on to people the same they don't look at you the same. You are more disposable as a stripper, you don't have the same feelings as everyone else. We are rejected every night so many times I feel like the people we choose to try to be with think that rejection in our real life should be easy. That much like the strip club when you sit down with someone and they don't say much to you it means you should move on. That maybe we will just move on happily to the next person and rejection isn't so bad. 
I feel like dealing with the home thing is like rejection, this thing I loved so much and put so much of myself into that I could always escape to told me to get the fuck out so rudely and I've been wandering around aimlessly since then. I've been sleeping to much, which means I don't eat enough which means my kitchen never gets used and I'm about to pull a sjp in an SATC and start putting sweaters in my oven.
On the other hand I'm pretty persistent at work even when told no. I'll sit down and have a chat and at the end of it they might change their mind...why because I'm hilarious and awesome. Also I can find the good in everyone, or something good about them. Maybe I just need more good focusing than bad. 

Sorry for being sad, but damn it's hard to be a gangster.

Knowing when to quit

Sometimes we as strippers have a hard time knowing when to quit...by quit I mean take a break we over work ourselves and under appreciate ourselves, take a time out do anything for us. We see a dollar sign at the end of the night and we role with that. I know that I focus on saving a lot...I constantly think about how many dollars till the next thousand hence the panic attack before work every night.
We have the oddest view on money. I remember thinking $100 was a lot of money and now I'm terrified if I have $100 in my wallet.
Or I think pretty often how many lap dances something costs.

Right now I'm thinking about how little sleep I'm getting how I still need to take my dog out. I need to pee. Welcome to rambling red.

I really hate the winter it depresses the hell out of me I hate the darkness all the time I feel like I act like such a weirdo like right now. I feel like this incredibly awkward version of myself. When batman is giving me advice to stop asking to sit down but start slinking down...and god damn it's the truth.

Another sign you need a break or should quit if you keep crying everyday about how little money you make...It's usually the hardest thing to do because you aren't making money and you need money. I had that happen right after the fire...(which I need to quit bitching about) Seriously if you can't make money doing this don't do it, or you hate where you work move, or something if you don't like something about this job you can't do it.
ALSO DON'T DO THIS JOB FOR ANYONE ELSE DON'T DO IT FOR A DUDE SO YOU CAN GIVE HIM MONEY.

Lately I've been rewriting raps and making them into parodies. I need to go to bed but I'll try and get one up tomorrow

Maybe if I acknowledge everything it will go away.

Okay i'm venting I'm sure you've all heard it all ready but I need to get it to go away in the next few days. In the past 8 months...

1. I allowed many relationships with people close to me to rule my life.
2. I allowed a few people to destroy my ego or to destroy part of who I am which is why I haven't been writing lately. I haven't felt safe to write...but I'm done I'm done being scared of everything, and I'm done not being myself. I feel like a lot of my posts say this but this time I'm not kidding.
3. The my apartment which was my pride and joy and so much of who I am and what I worked for was destroyed and I was forced to move posthaste. Which was way more expensive than I thought it would be. THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO HELPED AND CHIPPED IN IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME AND IT HELPED MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.
4. I got really sick and lost a lot of weight so much so that people comment on it...so I'm joining a gym.
5. A family member needed some monetary help so being the nice person I am I helped them out...I didn't realize they would take the rest of my savings.
6. I lost my best-friend to someone not worth losing a best friend too...she know thinks that I'm a terrible human being when really we all make mistakes, and the ones I know about her I will take with me to my grave. I text her after the destruction of my place saying that no matter where our friendship stood if she needed help I would be there and she replied with "I was done with you before all of this happened"
7. I let someone make me believe that I'm not good enough, that I'm not enough of a friend/person, and that I should continue to take there emotional beatdowns to the point I sort of gave up on myself for a while. I forgot who I was.

More on that. I really did forget who I was, I was sleeping all day, I was not talking to anyone about how I felt what was going on, any threats they dished out, I quit looking in the mirror on my days off. If I did all I could see was how ugly I was how horrible I was, which translated into my work. I have been meek I haven't even believed that I was attractive. I couldn't sell a dance to save my life. Mind you I'm not without flaw in some ways I hurt this person their are two sides to every story but holy fucking shit am I glad that I lived though that. That I can get up and see that I'm a valuable person and the day is worth waking up for.