lost and found

How many of these do I have to write before I believe myself...enough to change how I feel, hopefully this one sticks, I think it will it feels like I've taken enough time off and enough time for myself to really believe in myself this time...Also Insomnia rules.

For months I have been losing my mind, losing my grip, losing myself, losing everything, so tonight over cookbooks, whiskey and a pickelbacks, and my beloved sex and the city, I hashed it out with myself, and like all relationships it wasn't exactly easy to face the facts of whats really going on, and what's really upsetting me. I was looking at photos from when I was making so much money I could fly out in a few hours to just about anywhere and not give a fuck about what I spent, now I'm thinking about if I should even be buying this coffee I didn't sign up to be broke...I digress. I was my happiest then, I was the chubbiest i had been I didn't care that my teeth were not LA sized, I thought I could conquer the world and I could. I had broken it off with my fiance who had decided to date and marry his ex, I was dating one of the hottest guys on the hill, I was going out all the time, I was in pdx almost every other weekend, I was having the time of my fucking life, my best friend was by my side, I could take on the fucking world...Fast forward, I'm 30 count em pounds lighter, the hottest I've ever been, I've had a few knocks in the love department, I have a scorched apartment, a new one with a downstairs neighbor who has given me a complex about walking inside, I waddle like a champ in heels let me tell you, I have an estranged custy who once told me how much he had spent on me and then told me I shouldn't have accepted any of the money and I was a bad person for doing so, that I should ahve known better and turned it down. Mind you ever time I walk into work I think about this and I think that I might hurt someone else's feelings...I can't do my job right now...or right then I should say. I have lived in constant fear that I'm going to ruin someones day. This is ruining my lively hood. My job is not to worry about if i'm going to ruin people, it's about making people feel better, and feel like they mean something, to feel alive forget about their day no one wants to talk about what they fucking do for a living and no one fucking believes me when I say "oh...that's so interesting do you like what you do?" I used to tell the crudest jokes and I used to be so god damn hot...Now I'm just frumpy, with no confidence and I keep comparing myself to stupid fucking Philly. Fuck that bitch, more on her later...hey all press is good press and that bitch needs more Instagram likes or her 10k boobs do.
Anyway, today is a new god damn day, I'm the same old red, only I'm the old, old red, I'm done being frumpy red that bitch can die, and I'm here to say in the words of Eminem "Will the real slim shady please stand up and put one of his fingers on each hand up and be proud to be out of his mind and out of control and one more time as loud as it goes...I'm the real slim shady yes I'm the real shady..." So if you have been telling me I'm a bitch and I should care about your feelings when you've made it clear you don't care about mine and proved to me that i am just an object and one you want to be equivalent to a rolex GO FUCK YOURSELF, THE BITCH IS BACK, SHE'S GOT A FLASK IN HER BAG AND SHE'S DONE BEING BROKE AND SCARED AND UGLY. So if you aren't on my team, my bench, or cheer squad, or sitting in  my section, go the fuck home, you have better things to do then worry about me, because I can't take care of anyone else if I'm not taking care of myself, and I've spent way to much time avoiding mirrors, deflecting compliments, and telling people it's okay to not get dances with me and that telling me I'm interesting is enough.
I told Co. Last week I was going to wake up and today was going to be different, and she told me change doesn't happen over night, and that she hate L for whatever he fucking did (which was call me ugly, yup ugly no joke, I"M NOT FUCKING UGLY YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT, YOU AND YOUR HORRIBLE PERSONALITY ARE, YOU WERE HOT WHEN YOU CARED ABOUT SOMEONE, WHEN YOU CARED ABOUT EVEN YOURSELF BUT NOW YOU GIVE ZERO FUCKS, CONGRATS. ) and I laughed and told her she was wrong, she was right it took me a week to comes to grip with the whole thing again and realize that I was so over this bullshit.
Anyway, I'll be working tonight, bring champagne lets celebrate the return or red.

teaching an old stripper new tricks part 1 the straws that broke my back.

This last week money wise was a learning experience so baby strippers listen up...

This week I fell for some of the oldest tricks in the book. I was giving dances to some gentleman(again I use this term loosely) he bought a whole bunch of dances rather than getting a room. The last line of the municiple code in Seattle states that you cannot receive payment until payments have been rendered. Meaning the gusty doesn't have to pay a bitch till the bitter end. So...$1000 later what do you know his card gets declined and so do his other ones he does have $20 on him...awesome, nevermind I still owe for those dances. Love me some dejavu!

I just started taking electronic payments this week as long as I have house typically I just take Paypal, since you can't take it back. However I just learned about square so a gusty played me through that this week. $700 into it I ask him to pay me he does i make sure it transfers no problem. We keep dancing another $700 later we call it a night he pays me through square again I finish with our small talk, he leaves I head to the back, payout, head home...I wake up realize I hadn't claimed the last $700. LOW AND BEHOLD the gentleman had canceled the payment...awesome. I love when I spend a ton of time with people and the tell me all about themselves and then decide that in not worth the price. God nothing hurts worse at times.

To backtrack somemore last week a regular came in and "forgot his wallet" so he of course said he would swing by and pay me, except he forgot to do so before he left for vancouver...then making me wait almost a week. When he finally drops an envelope for me im thinking that "if I were a dude I would add a nice tip for making this stripper wait considering how helpful she is, she listens to me talk about my divorce, and how great my ass is, how jelly my wife is going to be, oh that I came into work thinking she (me, red) would be there and I was sneaking around) nope 

That being said get paid every hundred I dont break the law but I feel like this is a law worth breaking.

Part 2 on the way.

Call me before you come over so I can shave my chacha

So back about a million years ago when I was a brand new baby stripper edgy as all get out still wearing colored contacts, and punching high public figures in the face, also around the same time I would show up at 7pm for work...which is my goal all week. I think it will prove to be profitable...who knows only excel will tell.

Anyway, way back when I didn't know how to shave or put in a tampon. I was not the only baby stripper at the time, there was another one an african american girl who ended up getting a tampon stuck up there, so one of my 1st interactions with this girl was helping her dig it out. Mind you I didn't really know her name...So to all my ladies in this crazy sorority let me talk about tampons. I use ob and I take them do the four way pattern with the string to make the base bigger. Then I wrap the string around so you can't see it when you tuck it up...unlike the girl in chicago who forgot to do that and was super wasted, so wasted I walked up to tell her that her string was hanging out and she asked me of where...jaw...floor...whoa. Anyway wrap the string, insert as usual, don't be scared you are going to have to reach up there later and fish it out but there is no easier way...that I know of anyone with any secrets please share.

So cha cha shave time. I use L'occitane amande huile de douche, or almond shower oil. It leaves all my skin super soft but the closest shave that this is the bomb! then remember ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, GO WITH THE GRAIN! remember to get in there get all the strange growth hairs, and lets not forget the rear area, no one wants a taint goatee, not sexy, so check that. Then there is the booty hole, hair grows there it's gross, I'll post a picture of a dude butt to prove it, just kidding I won't, thats extra gross. Sometimes in endeavors like this you gotta call in the big guns, a mirror, or if you have a super chill boyfriend, roommate, sister, fellow stripper ask them to check for you.

Alright now that you are all tamponed and shaved get out that and get back to the grind.                                                    

This is me bitching about the same shit.,

I go off on a tangent near the end I swear this has something to do with work it just doesn't seem like it.

Success is a funny thing right...Thats what I'm eventually going to talk about this morning.
So I accidentally slept though work tonight, for the 1st time sine I started this job, I didn't call in saying I wasn't coming in or coming in late...Side story I've been watching a lot of girl code and the episode I was just watching was about divorce, and one of the guys on the show brought up a good point, in a divorce girls need a dad around, guys can get by but girls need a dad, dad's teach you the original girl code...THIS IS SO TRUE, THE TRUEST EVER, my dad taught me to never let a dude pay for my dinner since he may think that since he payed for dinner he deserves a little dessert...yah know which is not true at all...no one eats dessert on the 1st date.

Anyway...I slept though work tonight so I ended up going out for a drink with a friend, and we were talking about me and the place that my brain is in right now and how I'm having a really hard time getting back to the place I need to be in. I realized tonight that I have been really successful in what I've done, lately I haven't felt that way, I've felt/feel like I'm failing at what I'm doing right now since I mean I slept though work tonight, I haven't been really going out and getting after it. It's like I've lost my drive (and I don't know how to get it back) I mean I know I need an actual break from everything. I need a break from work, and I really need a break from my squatter.

We had a discussion about my squatter and why I'm allowing this person to stay with me even though they aren't contributing, making my life miserable...I do it because of my polite upbringing, my parents taught me that I have to be nice to people, that I need to take care of other people, that I shouldn't let people fail, that I should be nice and if I have something to give to be helpful I should give it. However with this person I really think I need to let them fail, or be independent really, I know I keep talking about this and really the only way it relates to dancing is that we work at the same club sometimes, and for some reason the idea of this person telling everyone what a bitch I am is keeping me from sending her on her way I guess it's because I don't fucking know I'm tired of bitching about this.  Has anyone ever kicked a squatter out before what's the best way to do it?

I'm tired of work being shitty. I'm tired of shitty managers, I'm tired of being treated like an employee even though I'm not, I'm tired of not feeling like no matter what I do that managers will not back me up. I'M TIRED OF NOT HAVING ANY GOD DAMN TOILET PAPER. I'm tired of ugly ass strippers trying to be my friend. I currently am not taking applications for new friends and I had 3 people text me today that they were going to kill themselves I don't need you telling me everything is going to be okay...UUUGGGHHHH FUCK THIS JOB RIGHT NOW #ICANTEVEN I mean seriously someone get me the fuck out of seattle and away from all these people who are holding me back seriously I need to get ready for work today and really, really, do what I used to do, even though I know it's a weird cycle to think that I can change things over the course of a few hours, because I probably can't, but I really need to try because I really feel like if I can just get the old red back that everything else will just fall into place.

End of story I need to get the fuck out of this mess, I really need to get my shit together.

too nice...OR I HATE MY JOB TODAY.

I think there is a point where I quit being me and I started being too nice, looking back I can pinpoint a couple of times when I really went out of my way to care about people and their feelings and keep from hurting them. Even this last week, I had someone text me some really mean stuff, how they will never trust a woman again, who I used them for money, how I think this is all a game, how I used this person, lied to them, lead them on, how I made them feel worthless, previously they have said I inspired them to end their life, this person decides once every week at some point to tell me that they are walking out of my life. I worry about them so much that, I try and convince him to stay, I worry that if I'm not keeping an eye on them who will... that they spent x number of dollars on me and x number of dollars in gifts, and that I should feel really bad for it, that accepting these things was totally wrong and I never should have. I'm really tired of this shit. I'm tired of people putting there personal well being on me.

Why is it that considering my profession where I do accept peoples money and I do accept gifts, it's how I make a living,(every single dollar I am extremely grateful of), why is it expected of me to feel bad for accepting it? I can't force people to spend money on me? I mean I wish I could I wish I could make people do it and then at the same time I magically wouldn't feel bad about it. There have been times over the course my my job where I have known how much money people have all together or how much money they make, and I will deny them dances after a certain number so they don't spend more than they should(i.e. the gentleman that smokes Newport's and lives off of unemployment, who doesn't have money to fix his truck so he walks to the club, I don't dance for him anymore, and when I did before I found out he was choosing dancing over himself I had a 2 dance max)...That's a pretty big deal I think, I don't think there are a lot of other dancers that do that.

My immediate reaction when they text me that they spent so much money on me was...*SHIT I SHOULD HAVE PUT ALL OF THAT IN AN ACCOUNT SO I COULD RETURN IT RIGHT NOW* that has happened a couple of times, more than anything I've wanted to return money to custys just so they wouldn't have that as ammo, especially this person...They are so mad at me for not dating them, I really am not in  a place where I can date anyone, I need to focus on me right now. I said that to them and they brought up that I previously dated them, and how they were mad that I chose that person over them, which makes me a liar...even though it was quite some time ago that we dated. They also said..."we could have worked on it" what is there to work on together if I need to work on things by myself? I'm trying to protect this person from me hurting there feelings, and they just kept pushing and pushing...I'm like JEEZUS do you want me to just destroy your feelings all together? I mean really why can't people see that I'm trying to protect them from dating a stripper?

I've said so many times I wouldn't wish dating a stripper on anyone. I mean really I don't get home till 4am. I flirt with how many men a night. I need to take a shower when I get home. I hate men at times, I don't understand why they are so rude or bone headed at times...Also why does it not occure to you/them that I'm not a stripper all the time, I don't wear sexy underwear all the time, I don't wear heels all the time, and I'M NOT A GOD DAMN THERAPIST ALL THE TIME, I'M NOT YOUR GOD DAMN MOTHER, I'M NOT NURTURING ALL THE TIME, I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME. I DON'T LIKE ALL THE THINGS YOU DO. I KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DON'T LIKE ANYTHING THAT I DO...HOW DO I KNOW BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ASKING YOU QUESTIONS ENDLESSLY!

IT'S MOMENTS LIKE THIS I FUCKING HATE MY JOB!!!!

Squartters, and how I only get 6 hours of sleep

For those of you who follow my twitter, I'm sure you know I rarely sleep, and I have a squatter. I took the night off last night because well I had a nice dinner and I was so exhausted I was hallucinating...dinner was awesome (my text conversation was not).
Anywho my squatter, whom annoys me on a regular basis, somehow tonight went out with some friends and as she was leaving the bar ended up getting jumped and maced...she then woke me up at 5am. I went to bed around 11:30 mind you actually sleeping at night helped me out a ton, I think I'm going to do it more often. However dealing with a crying squatter because she was maced and had $300 stolen out of her bag was then my problem. She's a sweetheart, she takes my dog out pretty often and I feel really bad for her, I really do getting maced sucks it hasn't happened to me in 10ish years (knock on wood) however I did get it on my hands tonight from dealing with her clothing, and that shit burns. (thank you police catalog for mace wipes and overnight shipping)
I can't be mad at someone for getting maced and waking me up, I can be annoyed by how many times she has been given fake money, lost money, had it stolen, lost her wallet, dropped it, left it at a bar...etc. Still getting maced sucks.
Moving on to what constitutes as harrassment. Tonight my friend told me I should write no matter what, I haven't been writing lately out of fear of offending people, I don't like hurting peoples feeling lately I mean I never have, however this outlook has turned me into a huge pussy lately who doesn't stand up for themselves and gets walked on by squatters. Anyway.... coming up once I figure out how to quote these things...but 1st more cake.

talking about pussy...

So the other day I walk I to the bathroom and my homegirl whom happens to be African American has her leg up on the counter full vagina spread...and I'm like....
R: whoa...girl...whoa, put the trash can in front of the door so everybody knows you need privacy.
S: what's the big deal it's just black pussy it looks like roast beef no big deal.
R: I don't mean it like that I just meant I don't want to see anyone's vagina like that...I un-see that, just like I can't I hear things.
S: I had an ex once who would call it a Charleston chew.
R: I love candy! I don't want to associate vaginas with candy
Bahahahshahshshshshshshhhahah
I love that girl. The other day I ran into an ex at the gas station with her. He had two other girls with him, and I was like...fuck this I'm getting out fuck this she's trying to grab me. Nothing happened we all had a laugh but when I got back in the car...girl I was trying to grab you so we could both hop out and jump that bitch with him. It's funny but that's how we forge deep bonds in the strip club by proclaiming that you will without a doubt fuck someone up for someone else with no reason.