I can't sleep...A reminder to my stiletto sisters that we are some bad bitches.

I keep thinking about work, and what I want, and how I can make things happen and also how proud I am and how funny things can be. This isn't a pity party over here I don't have a mini disco ball and a box of tissues.
Preface anytime anyone hit's me with "I want to but..." "I'd love to but..." "You're so pretty but..." I have to try not to laugh on the outside. Maybe the next time someone says something like that I'll try and finish their sentence. So please know since sometimes tone gets lost...I'm working on it. It's one of my "challenges" this is suppose to be kind of funny, and very "high fucking, five, fuck yeah...we are going streaking through Westlake Center"

1. I need a break. I need time away from work. I need to be an adult 1st and foremost but then I need to take some time for me and forget about this crazy night world. So soon, very, very, soon I hope.

2. I want to change the way the world sees strippers. I want people to know and believe when I say I'm working towards something be it school ( a million years of school). To know that we aren't all fuck-ups. I guess with the changes I'm making I'm hoping to start a dialogue about it. Fellow former strippers any stories, comments, anything...bueller...bueller.

3. I want people to see us as people and remember that saying no polietly is great. But don't give me the "no but" I think you are beautiful, I can't hand my apartment managers a million notes saying that everyone thought I was beautiful. I want people to remember that...WE ARE SO GOD DAMN BRAVE FOR WHAT WE DO. We do something a lot of people can't, we get up and take our clothes off for people we don't know. We do the impossible we ask people to accept us to be close to us, to let us get all up in their bubble and...what's even braver, we hear "no"....and we sit there in your lap as you tell us why you are saying no, sometimes you say no before I can find out one fun, interesting, cool fact about you, you say no because drum roll please... you have a girlfriend, you don't pay for it, youre just looking, you just got here, you don't like me, I'm too smart, come back later, in some time, I'm not in the mood, I wish I would have met you earlier, I'm broke, I'm here for my buddy. I'm about to leave (you don't you get a dance from toothless tami)...You know what we do, we look at you, run our fingers through your hair... and say...
"It's no big deal, maybe I'll come back later, thank you so much for the compliment, let me know if you need anything...k" and we do it all without flinching all without showing you any sign that a a normal girl would show you if she had the balls to walk up to you in a super skimpy ass outfit since you can't wear your underwear in public, and ask you if you want to have her shove boobs in your face, and run her smoking hot yoga body down yours, and donate to her charity known as school, or independent women not depending on a man and living alone, or the stereotype of single mothers, or any other way you want to spin what we do into our very own charity work that any woman would be proud of... and you say no. A normal girl who has a body
 like mine.
So a normal girl would probably cry, call you an asshole and tell you that you're a god damn idiot, that a million guys would be happy just to talk to her and a million guys would do whatever she asked, and she doesn't know why she even came over here to talk to you because you look like a total stupid nerd... I mean whatever I'm not a "Normal girl" I mean I wear underwear under my dresses to strip clubs and know your vagina should not resemble anything that swims.
You know what we are some brave, bad, bitches, because we don't do a god damn thing but tell you to have a good night, hope that in some way we made you feel better about yourself and that one of our colleagues will tickle your fancy, and go out our night. Our feelings don't get hurt until we hear "no" about 10 times or more then we start to take it a little personally, but even then you aren't going to see us crying on the floor to you begging you to like us. We might ask what's up and if there is something we could change...I mean Dejavu doesn't let us use their glasses we aren't good enough so we have these red and white cups. One night I had heard no one to many times and I asked a guy what I could change and he said I'm turning you down because there is something about you holding a paper cup, I don't know what it is but I don't want a dance from you because of it. CRAZY, but whatever man. Even then I can't tell him the company won't let us have glasses and probably for good reason someone would get shit faced and break one every night and then there would be broken glass all over the locker room the following items in italic are boring things about profit and shit I'm sure it's a liability thing for the club, but now their liability solution is a profit liability to me and subsequently a liability to them....blah blah blah boring shit. Anyway I was turned down because of a cup...and countless other reasons. A normal woman would have thrown her drink and you and said look at me you dumb fuck, are you fucking serious? You are? You look nothing like Tom Brady, Ryan Gosling, Or Channing Tatum, but whatever bro. A normal girl would be crazy, because normal girls are crazy. (Sidebar Stripclubs are great for that reason you can tell super hot chicks no, and not feel bad about it, since we are fucking tough as nails when it comes to that shit) A normal girl might even leave the club go home, cry, and wonder what's wrong with her. but we don't, we hope for the best, tell ourselves secretly while we smile, run our hand down your chest and say have a good night, that really you would have been a douche canoe that we totally avoided and the next guy will be better because hey...there is always tomorrow. That and there is nothing wrong with us, and that is one thing being told no a million times teaches you, there is nothing wrong with you, and the worst thing that's going to happen when you ask someone for a dance, or a date, or whatever is that they will say no. the nice thing about me hearing no (not that I'm encouraging more no's I'm just looking on the bright side so don't get any crazy idea's) is it gives me a chance to move on to the next, and really it's their lose if they don't want me all smashed up on em'.
 We are the strongest, bravest women in the world. Honestly I'm really fucking proud of myself for making the choice to do this. I feel really lucky sometimes when I sit down and remember that it's not normal to be confident, and it's really not normal to take rejection so well. So mad props, and big ups, kudos and shit to my fellow stiletto sisters. Bitch you bad.
Also because pole tricks hurt like a mother fucker and we try to keep our sexy faces on, or our totally emotionless faces since we are focusing on not making it look like we were punched in the boob...that's a hard one too. I have to be up in 5 hours for breakfast, and to start the ol' blog move...scary, and exciting.
Hopefully I get to see dear friend corbeau today for a hot second before he goes to deal with some bullshit, it's always nice to see a friendly face before a lame ass flight.
I've been really lucky lately batman, has totally provided me with ideas to write about, motivation to do so, encouragement and compliments, also letting me hide out, which has totally helped me clear my head of the other noise that happens all while in disguises that make me look like I'm going to Cochella, but whatever. I'm infinitely appreciative of quite a few people in my life for sticking out this past year with me, change is a coming.

PDX Bound...adventures ahead.

It's been a hot second since I've been to portland. I havent gone on an adventure in forever. I've been a little to scared for some reason. It's time to start doing the things I loved about this job again...Like traveling even if it's just to Portland and especially while I have the time over the summer. Dejavu brainwashes all of us into believing we can't leave because they "have the lowest rent in the country" at 140 if you are scheduled 160 if it's open...insane, and that our club is sooo great, with our lack of bathroom. Batman pointed out today as I was hiding out with the pink elephants that...Yes it's been a rough yeah, and it this last year I forgot that sometimes it's about the story and it's got to be fun, and there has to be a goal and you've got to know that I'm not just some stripper who's fallen by the wayside and given up and given in and just flops around on stage right now...Just kidding I'm picking the next person I'm going to dazzle with my charm, wit, and sexiness. I love how the strange how the stage has always been quiet time for me, and pick my next person time.

For some reason, which I'm still working on maybe it's the burnout, because the burn out in this job is real  I just sort of forgot that I was sexy. Batman and I were talking about that today too. He was like I don't get it,  I'm surprised your ego it's just destroyed, because a person can only hear no so many times. I'm pretty good looking, in my opinion, and those of you that have met me seem to agree. Regardless i still get rejected on a daily basis and I still do this job. It surely not for the thin skinned. It will give you I would say big ol brass balls but it doesn't it just titanium tits...Which I'm grateful for.

Okay back to the point. Just because I don't have my bestie to travel with anymore doesn't mean I can't travel. Or because Dejavu wants us to think it's a big scary world out there. I'll get a new travel buddy, and have some damn adventures. 

Also I'm moving my blog to wordpress so expect some changes in the near future. Now I need a nap. 

The difference between strippers and groceries

Tonight a gentleman came in who works in finance, I sat down with him and went through the whole rig-a-marol of questions I ask. He noted on how curious I am and asked me why. We eventually got to the do you want to buy a dance part...he told me he views buying dances like buying a car and this was an ahah moment for me, like a holy fucking shit why didn't I think about this before. He told me that he feels like dances don't have a set price that it is something you can bargin on because when he goes into his job that he treats it the same way. So he feels like when a girl says how much a dance is it is the highest price she's asking and he can talk down from there. I told him that was not true and that dances are a set price, they are also the lowest price we are willing to accept. So tomorrow I'm going to go in and ask people some some crazy high price and then talk them down from there and potentially get a higher price on dances. Or this is going to go horribly wrong.

However, at the end of the dance, he admitted I changed his mind about dances, and that he agrees that you should not bargin from the 1st asking price.

I got home from work today at like 5 which is why I'm up writing right now. I was super stressed out about getting to bed on time, getting my kitchen clean, taking car of my dog, and blah, blah, blah, and it occured to me that I've been, being really hard on myself. I was mad at myself for not making time for someone tonight because I felt that my time was best spent talking about the future of this blog, and where I want it to go. I was kicking myself because of the way they got back to me and said well it's okay because I'm going to go see basically my replacement you...only they didn't say replacement you. I realized right then that I've been trying so hard to keep people happy and sometimes I'm going to fail at that, and I realized at that moment that something has to give. It can't give way to something bad either.

I realize this post makes no sense I'm just too tired again. I've got to start writing during the day and with both eyes open this one open thing is giving me a headache.

Quick quips

there is no use crying over spilled vodka

This is me bitching about some girls I work with and about the fact that people don't consider the fact that everyone is fighting their own battle. So excuse the rant.

Strippers live on one phrase there is always tomorrow. Well I guess two phrases depending on the time of day. There is always tonight. I'm banking on the latter at the moment and then the former after work.

It has been the year to end all years. I think I might have killed someone or something considering how bad my karma has been. It's funny, I think at this point I might actually be insane for still doing this job. I mean insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results right? I keep expecting people to do what they say they are going to do (and I know I'm not perfect) and I hope, and hope, and hope, and then I am let down. I'm so fucking tired of all of the things that people do and I know I do annoying shit too. 'm so fucking tired of presely incessantly being drunk every night and annoying the shit out of me, asking me if I'm okay, and saying I look depressed. BITCH I'm not, i'm just trying to get ready in peace please! IF I WAS DEPRESSED I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT. She really needs to quit drinking because even if you try to get a word in she cuts you off and tells you the same story she's been telling over and over and over again. We all know you are going to turn 30 and that you want to have a baby but you need to get sober 1st. We know you hate your roommates, and that one of them moved out and you are looking for a roommate but you yourself don't ever pay rent on time. Earlier when I was going to kick my interloper out, she literally said she wanted to move in with me, and that she is a great roommate blah, blah, blah, then no more than 2 seconds later was complaining about how broke she was and how she was not going to be able to pay her rent on time again. I'm so tired of the story of how her roommate tried to kill herself, I know I'm being insensitive but you are not helping the person who is obviously in need of some physiatric care if they are harming themselves by telling a bunch of strippers a story. I'm sorry her roommate tired to kill themselves, I really, really, am that's so hard on not only the person attempting but everyone around them. I really am sorry...But I was really serious when I said I didn't want to talk to her about it because my fucking now ex squatter tried to do the same thing on the 4th of July. I wanted to ask her how many knives she has gotten out of someones hand? Did they steal a bunch of your shit? Did they not clean your dogs face and then let it get all gross and painful? NO I'm sure they didn't. I mean maybe they did but whatever,
I'm tired of Versailles  whining that the world is out to get her. It's not, you just need to actually work for what you want and make the best of a bad situation. She freaked out because she thought her boyfriend was cheating on her. I can now way in my life I don not put up with cheaters and the sooner you realize that in life the better off you are or you are just enabling the behavior and telling them it's okay to treat you like that, which will ultimately make a person feel like they aren't worth a shit. And the world sucks, there is something good to be found in every day, you just have to find it but otherwise it sucks and it's hard and it will kick your ass if you let it. She shouts all the time she's one of those people with no concept of volume at all. I wish they both would realize that life happens, and you can get yourself out of shitty situations. Yes you are dating someone shitty, stop doing that. Stop focusing on such small shit and you'll probably be happier. If I can get this far in this year I know she can do so much good for herself.
I'm tired of Nev starting drama. Last we she told me that she thinks it humbles me to tell me I can't get ready by my locker? She also told me that I need humbling since I don't own that counter....Actually I'm almost 100% sure I've paid the club more money than she has, so I think it is my counter. Also Really? Really? you think I need humbling  I would say at this point I'm pretty humble and that's actually part of my problem at the moment.  As for what's humbling having the red cross give you a $50 gift card to replace the food in your kitchen because everything was ruined by smoke, your entire pantry of special things ruined. $50 is 1 bag of groceries, maybe two if you are really stretching it. Then having them tell you, instead of helping you out by putting you up in a hotel, you can stay with your boyfriend...who just happens to be sleeping with your best-friend. I know the red cross is a donation volunteer organization, and I know there are plenty of people who really need help. I mean I really needed help at that moment, but I figured it out. That is fucking humbling. When your life and who you are is connected to your home and it is where you feel safe, and you are forced to move and your downstairs neighbor writes a 10 page complaint about you so when you are inside you tip-toe around and walk sideways so it's quieter and then you find yourself doing it in public so you have a complex about the noise you make as a 105lb woman. THAT IS MOTHER FUCKING HUMBLING.
Yes your life sucks too, I know because you put all your business on blast but you still have your kids, and your home. Also getting dirt on everyone to hold it over their head later is fucked up or making friends with people just to find out about other people is fucked up. We are suppose to be adults not in junior high. I mean I guess it's a strip club what can I really expect.

This year has been so crazy for everyone. Every day is a new day. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to Versailles and tell her life is not so bad. Hell I'm going to remind myself that life is not so bad and although I wouldn't repeat this year if you paid me a lot of money I have learned more about the cattiness of the girls in the strip club that I was so greatly oblivious to earlier this year. Now it's about navigating....and making money