before work musings

I need to go in early. I need to make money why? Because christmas is coming and I haven't bought anyone presents yet.
I apparently wrote this last year and the same holds true this year. Funny you think I would learn. I mean I have and I do but still.

I am the....

I get it I get it I get it. I'm different. Really. Fucking. Different. I know I've got 21 days to finish this year out super strong. To dig my heels in and really get a move on. I've got a really good start. I forgot why I started this blog and last week I was reminded why I did it. I started this blog to hopefully change some of the worlds views on us. Also there is a ton to talk about I just have to actually talk about it.

The past couple of days have been filled with people telling me I'm different and if I should know one  thing I should know that. I should know that I'm the standard by which they judge other dancers. I am the best dancer they have met. I'm the prettiest, the smartest, the funniest. There have been a lot of est's this week. It's been really great to be reminded, everyone that's been reminding me has also made it a point to let me know that it's okay to act like it sometimes or at least a little bit when needed. All of this is since last year was filled with a lot of the opposite and from people who's opinions don't really matter in the long or the short run.

Nothing crazy happened at work tonight. I ended up getting there incredibly late. I've got to start getting on the floor earlier I swear. I want to go in early tomorrow but I made plans with friends and I'm trying to be better at not canceling on people or being on time. I don't link what it is about strippers or stripping for a while but eventually you totally give up on time. In a very real way. There is no real reason. However every girl I know goes on her own time with everything.

I'm so fucking tired writing this.

Time waits for no man...

luckily I'm a woman, so I'm still slowing it a little bit, I mean that's what wrinkle reducer is for correct?

I move this week thank the stripper deities that I can get back to life being normal next week. Everything goes back to how it should. Seriously, I can't stand my +1 anymore, I'm over being polite to someone who clearly does not give a shit about anyone but themselves. I of course hope he lands on his feet but I'm incredibly mad at myself for being so kind. I mean "karma is a bitch, so make sure that bitch is beautiful" at the same time I think the universe handed me a very long lost off things to learn and a very short amount of time to learn it...so check and check and check. Lessons learned, back to being the better version of myself, I know I say that every time. I've been working on more positive reinforcements lately since work has been blah.

Although it's hard for things like that to stick when every manager corp sends over gets fired right away. It seems like we are purgatory of sorts. I really wonder how long we are going to stick around considering all of Amazon going up around us, and all the retail space also going in around us. It doesn't seem like Starbucks, Amazon, and whatever other companies that obviously have the money to throw money at the city to get rid of us, would let us stay put. There is so much pressure on us from corporate right now. It's also hard. We finally got rid of a bunch of dead weight and now we are working on some more, they implement ideas without alerting us and it makes sense for those ideas to work, and also to do it during the slowest part of the year when it's hard regardless forcing us to focus. It's nice in a way, at the same time it's jarring but I suppose that's the point. Anyway, today I'm going to be the best version of myself. I am going to be a shark that smells blood in the water. I'm going to be the sexiest. I'm going to quit being so humble (it's obviously gotten me nowhere). I'm going to catch up on local current events.

 I'm going to stop talking to some people who cannot keep their mouths shut, not in a bad way, but as corporate has plans as do I...I just need something a little colder, a little more silent, a little more convincing, something that envelopes people, causes a little bit of shock, something a little chilling. What I really need is a little help from Winter.

This weekend that just happened totally sucked it was so crazy slow...however I was told on countless occasions that I'm the most attractive girl there so if I had sat down with whomever I was sitting with a few minutes earlier or if I could just come back a few minutes later and ask...now I understand buyers remorse so I'll give someone that reason...the come back later still gets me. You just said I'm the most attractive girl there so what are you waiting on exactly.


On to the annoying of the weekend which happens all the time and the entertaining and enlightening of the weekend.
I also learned while speaking with someone about burial rituals in different countries and with that I had a very long conversation about hair and its importance in various cultures and differences in genders...apparently hair is one of the hardest substances to destroy which is why it is commonly found in caskets. Also your hair doesn't continue to grow after you are dead, your skin actually shrinks around the follicle giving it the appearance of growth. I haven't fact checked this yet and I probably never will, just saying.

Back to sleep for a bit. Oh and I don't think I hit publish but in the next couple of months I'm really going to try to beat my self publish amount...and really move this thing over to Wordpress. Along with the universe giving me a laundry list of things to learn it has also given me a brand new timeline to work off of, and it's a little faster than I intended it to be, which is probably for the greater good. Looks like I'll be leaving my shadow here at the end of that timeline.

From the moment I wake up before I put on my make-up

Or really the moment I'm laying in bed and almost asleep with no actual keyboard within reach is when I realize...I gotta get my shit together. I mean it's together but I need to really get it together. I was talking to my dad about this tonight. We were talking about losing your goals and how important they are. I'm still in this apartment I hate and it is what is killing my dreams. I know, I know, I know, stop fucking bitching and do something about it...so I am. My alarm is set, I have a plan, and a goal for tomorrow. I used to have a goal each night when I went to work and I would bust my ass reaching if now I'm so nonchalant about it, and really it's time, the time that I continuously talk about that I'm so motivated for when I wrote these blogs has really come. Even if I have to paint it on my ceiling when really I should repaint this skyline of Boston and actually paint "at dawn we ride" so it can be one of the 1st things I see in the morning. I didn't make any resolutions for "my year" this year. I don't really do New Years I do new birth years. So I guess I'm starting them right now, and it's only one, follow through, not only with other people but with what I tell myself as well...like get ready at home so I can hit the floor right away. Make money like I used too. I don't know what it is but I'm more aware of feeling awkward these days...it's stupid, I'm gorgeous, and smart, and funny, and interesting, and worth it, and there is nowhere I don't belong. Call me pretentious for saying it but I'm fucking saying it. I know I've said it before but I'm saying it again. Part of me is really tired of being overly humble, of always stating the ways in which other people are great and not acknowledging the ways I'm great. I'm not putting myself down I'm just not paying myself any compliments. So again following through with a self compliment sandwich.
Follow through with my own schedule not the one wher I dick around and wait for whatever but the one where I actually plan and do things at an actual time...everyday like writing. Apparently November is big for blogging and there is is blogging challenge to write everyday. I know I'm a little late on the jump, but no reason I can't drop in right now and catch up. Writing for 30
Days is probably a really good idea for me, and would keep me focused at work, and school, and my interpersonal relationships since I'm going to have to find something to write about everyday.
I also need to follow through with responding to text/email...maybe November is the month I set my goals and complete them. I'm also going to acknowledge one goal I completed
This last year for every 3 I set. Maybe I should get some gold stars for myself while I'm at it.they are all mostly small personal goals so it shouldn't be that hard...right? RIGHT GUYS! Totally easy? Anyone? Is this thing even on?

Here's to...

the nights we don't sleep...
The secrets we keep...
The friends we make...
The insults and compliments that shower us...
The inside jokes...
The life we chose...
To the game that chose us...
To the money and the girls we married because they have been there on our best days and our worst.
To the love we have for this life that other look down on. It's hard to look down on someone in 8" heels.

You've got to be...

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together

 Des'ree You Gotta Be

Sometimes songs still have application, especially when you do this job, and you've got to have a sense of humor about everything. 

Tonight was one of those nights where it felt like many nights happened in the course of an evening. So there were a bunch of funny things that happened, a bunch of me avoiding the negativity of the evening. (I swear I could write endlessly about the different pieces in a night, the locker room, individual girls, my emotional connection to the evening, the management, conversations, customers, outside influences that affect my work mode...I should really write more...Back to the real writing here.) I get to get up early and bust out a day shift and make a costume tomorrow as well. Part of me really wants to turn off my phone as well since I know I'm going to upset people. But you have to put on your own mask before you can put on others.

 

Lately all of us are really going though it, our club is slowly fading...I'll be surprised if we survive the winter...thank you large corporation for again fucking with my life...One of the girls for sure I've seen her crying in the back lately and it's hard, you have to remember that although you're there and you're friends are there and we support each other we don't pay each others bills...same with people in our personal lives that although our job may seem easy it's not and that they need to respect the fact we are working, which is hard for a lot of people. (I'm trying so hard to smash this post out in 10 minutes)

Tonight this guy came in and sometimes you guys say the dumbest funniest things...like don't every cheat on your spouse because you literally just admitted everything you were trying to lie about to me within 10 seconds.

So this kid comes in...he tells me he doesn't come to places like this, he's here for his friends, which admittedly he does have friends with him...he also had the advantage of being foreign so his story was a little easier to believe. Anyway he says then, that he's only been in a couple times. We chat for a little bit longer, then he says you know the dozen(ish) times he has been in, he usually just comes in and gets dances and leaves...perfect so why are you wasting my time right now. He obviously doesn't think that anyone with half a brain is going to sit down and talk to him, since he tried to dumb down his job description. GUYS HEADS UP SAYING YOU WORK IN IT MEANS NOTHING. So we continue to chat and I start talking about statistics. This kid then amazes me, he says he wasn't expecting anyone with half a brain to sit down and he has no fucking clue what the hell I'm talking about but it sounds really smart...my mind literally packed a little suitcase with old travel stickers on it, put on some galoshes, and vacated the premises...It of course couldn't get on a flight on it's own or catch a cab, so it came right back. I was trying so hard not to laugh at the fact that he went from never going to a "place like this" or going a few times, to enough times to have a routine down for while he was there, and a preference on girls. Also while we were talking, I said something about working out, and off handidly said something about needing to work out more since you can't really tell...this mother fucker said "Yeah you're right" what the fuck bro? 

 

Story two...same guy...As we were talking I asked what kind of girls he liked and he said girls that were in shape, and yes most of the girls I work with look amazing, but all of us could benefit from a little more gym time, which is what I said to him, then he looks at me and said I was wrong and that every girl seemed to be in really good shape. Again flabbergasted, I'm not in bad shape, and by comparison I'm in pretty decent shape, and this dude was just crushing my poor little ego, stomped on it. He did in the end get a dance so I guess the looking like I could work out more, and sounding like I knew something worked out for a few coins.

Girl you a bad bitch...

 So fucking act like it.

There is always tomorrow.

It only takes one.

Don't go to work mad.

You aren't here to make friends you are here to make money.

Set a goal. Everyday, every night, every week, every month, every year, have something you are working towards.

Talk to everyone.

Read...books, the news, the paper, the stranger, anything to make you more interesting.

Take care of yourself, don't eat shitty, stop fucking smoking, don't sleep all fucking day.

Market, market, market, make time for it, because no one else is going to.

Keep your space at work and at home clean you will be happier I promise.

Under promise and over deliver.

Do not lead people on. Whatever you do, in fact don't spare peoples feelings by being polite if they think it's something it's not just fucking tell them...or they will send you a bunch of emails about how they interpret your writing and what a shitty fucking person they happen to think you are.

Pretty Woman is not real...you also aren't a hooker...so maybe it is but it's not worth your sanity to try and find out.

Don't listen to the rumors.

Don't hang out in the locker room for very long, no one back there is giving you money so what the hell are you doing.

There is something interesting about every person you sit with.

If you make friends, like real, real, real, friends, do not forget about them ever, they happen to be shiny beacons in a place that feels like a sea of emotions trying to drag you down, hold on to the good that you find. Let go of the bad.

As a few tattoos say...Let it go...be bigger than the sound...you choose your life, you choose to be alone, you choose your feathers...If you do something do it like a boss.

This place might be your escape, but remember you can't hide from everything.

This place might also be your family and remember that everyone's family is dysfunctional especially this one.

Sometimes I have to remind myself what the fuck I'm doing.