HOW TO DATE A STRIPPER

This is an incredibly popular topic so I thought I would shed some light on the subject.

Google just returned this to me
"About 21,400,000 results (0.29 seconds)" 
I would love to add proper citation but I'm not in the mood...Hot Writer when am I ever in the mood to even pretend I have any grasp of the english language. 
Ok how to date a stripper:
1. Don't go to strip clubs to meet her rarely does this work out, although I have heard of girls marrying men they met there. I am gong to make they assumption that you kind sir google banged the shit out of how to do this so 
you could tell all your brah's about it. 

2. Don't ask her about work, we talk about it all the time much like any other job, and trust me you can live with out hearing the strangest shit that happens all the time. Or what bitch doesn't like this other bitch it's a cluster fuck, HOWEVER MOTHER FUCKER LISTEN THE FUCK UP. OUR JOB IS SO EMOTIONALLY DRAINING IT SUCKS OUT OUR SOUL SOMETIMES YOU SAY THAT ABOUT YOUR JOB BUT YOU DON'T CARRY THE EMOTIONAL BURDENS OF NOT ONLY YOUR COWORKERS BUT 500 MEN . SO CUT US SOME MOTHER FUCKING SLACK IF WE DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING FUCKING SEX  BECAUSE EVERYONE ASKED HOW MUCH TO TOUCH TONIGHT AND ALL WE WANT TO DO IS CRAWL IN FUCKING BED WITH YOU FEEL SAFE AND PRETEND THAT YOU DON'T THINK OF US LIKE OBJECTS AT THAT EXACT MOMENT. 
Also cut us some slack if we want to come home and fuck, not because we are super horny from dry humping some dicks (thanks bri) but because sometimes it's nice to have something that's ours that's right that dick is ours, and something that in that moment in time in our relationship is real, and again we feel cared about and loved and blah, blah, blah...

3. Don't expect us to pay for everything just because we have cash, we have bills to, oh and financial goals, and hopes and dreams and some people even have fam's they take care of. 
4. Do not ask us for lapdances at home unless you get lucky and find one that loves to give them, then ha-cha-cha cash that shit in. 
5. DO NICE SHIT FOR US...LIKE REALLY NICE SHIT, WE HAVE DUDES ALL THE TIME WHO LISTEN TO OUR FEELINGS, BUY US GIFTS THAT WE ACTUALLY WANT, BECAUSE THEY LOOK AT OUR AMAZON WISH LIST BECAUSE THEY CARE. NOT EVEN BIG SHIT, JUST SHOW US YOU CARE ABOUT US...THAT'S FUCKING IT, IT'S PRETTY FUCKING EASY. 
6. Don't you ever fucking judge us for what we do and then turn around and reap the benefits of having a hot girlfriend who happens to be comfortable naked in front of strangers. I dates someone once who accused me of fucking my customers, anyone who knows me knows that's not true, as the argument progressed it came to pass that he frequently picked up girls from this place of establishment...It was one of my favorite arguing points, oh and that there was a rumor that he may have forced himself on someone...but the jury is still out. 

7. Be yourself, guess what we are just humans, and I swear to you I'm not that cool the guys down at KISW can totally tell you
Late at night I'm just a girl, 
Guess I'm some kind of freak 
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes  (No Doubt, Just a Girl)

But really, I'm just a girl, your just a guy, and if you want to date a stripper, you can always ask the worst she will say is no...Here is the thing we here no all the time, it's not a big deal there are nights I hear no 20 times in a row, try and top that, that's an ego blow.

8. Don't say stupid shit like I could get this for free so let me buy you a drink...nothing makes me want to seek out
some roofies more and ruin your night. If you can get it for free please do, please go somewhere else douche, or stay, have some fun, get a dance, make a friend, but asking us to drinks or coffee doesn't work, especially coffee we don't wake up that early. 


9. Last but not fucking least, be funny, be open, be you, treat us like a normal person, not a piece of meat, not something on a pedestal, make us laugh, be our friends, be their when the going the rough and the bitches leave, and then wait, wait for the drama to blow over, and write us a nonchalant text and that my friends is how you win over a stripper.  

How baggage is important

I just left my bag at the airport and apparently they will not have it delivered as my needed to use the commode due to well you don't need to know any of that and the baggage claim attendant needed to leave at 11:30...Clues I went somewhere and came back and did some weird shit while I was gone.
I realized while on the phone trying to get my bag, that sometimes it's not just your physical baggage you have to take a billion hours out of your day for it's your emotional baggage as well and I know that at times I just can't let it go I wish I could but I really can't. Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with being a stripper and taking on so much emotional baggage from other people that I feel the need to offload onto other people just to sort of maintain my own personal equilibrium.

Anyway I did a lot of thinking while doing shoulder mounts on street signs, getting completely housed, and having a generally good time.

This weekend was attack of the ex's what's new in reds world right one of them is always doing something to ruin my life. Like last week on threatened to get a restraining order against me and I laughed at him because well...I already tried. This week one wrote me to apologize for his insensitivity and leading me on...I love when dude's are like "OH MY GOD YOU ARE PERFECT! YOU LOVE TO COOK, YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME YOU CAN DO SHIT THAT TAKES STRENGTH *see above photos* YOU'RE SMART, YOUR FUNNY, I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU" and I'm all like yeah sure (Mind you this was said eons ago literally eons) but now they want to apologize and bitch about how unhappy they are in their practically married state. 

Then there is the one who's all like wah wah you abandoned me...kid that was a billion years ago get the fuck over it. 

Then there was another one who got married. 

Then there is one who wants me to travel with him. 

Then there is the one that got way, or the one I let go for being a retard, whom is also getting married. 

Why does everyone think I'm going to welcome them back with open arms...oh wait because red has gotten soft in her old age, mind you I've gotten hotter, but till marshmallow like on the inside; mother fuckers be warned the buck stops right fucking here, were my louboutin meets your nuts. 

So I thought to myself...Self why not be really honest, why not throw a little salt on the wound rather than just sugar coating that shit. So did, and I will continue to. I'm sure i've referenced a conversation skinny and I had one night about bad bitches he said something that went a little like this...

N***** you are literally the baddest bitch I know, you have the best style, you walk in this club like you own the place but as soon as you fucking leave you just forget who the fuck you are either boss up or get the fuck out, cuz girl you know you the baddest so start fucking acting like it. 

On the bright side of the aforementioned oh whoa is me pity party...which I'm not having I'm literally just having a party, all of my ex's are married or getting married so I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that there is any way in hell that we would ever get back together. For the record for those of you currently having an anurisum for free of me wanting to get back together with any of these folk...I don't. I'm done with fucking crazy fuck tards.

While out to dinner with one of my homegirls this weekend, a fellow sister of the most bonded sorority known to women...stripping. I like her because she's totally open, not afraid to offend people, likes to see their reactoins and is all about empowering women in business. Things I look for in friends, being crazy means you are just comfortable with yourself. So I'm about to grind fucking harder, I've given myself a goal of everyday for till the end of the month. Come out support single college students! Or if you live far away and still want to support hit me up in the contact the author section and shoot me  a little donation to my pay-pal. That's right folks I finally joined this century. 

I also learned another important lesson. A friend of mine as of late has been pushing some boundries and acting like I owe him something like I should be extra nice, the thing is I am extra nice, or like things are my fault, when I'm orchastrating things to make your life easier, I don't owe you shit. I'm sorry I really don't. I really, really, really don't like being made to feel like I should bed over backwards to help you. 

SO...Step one of today tell some people to fuck off. 

Good luck and goodnight all. 

Oh wait how does this translate to stripping and changing the world...I just bought a pillow off of gilt that will be going on my bed that says cash rules everything around me. It's time to hustle smarter not faster, out smart patrons into getting a dance, keep those around me that I love incredibly close since my circle is growing so small, always be honest, don't take no for an answer and don't take shit .

Rando rants written by red!

So I'm going to bitch about work yah ready. Okay it cost me a minimum for 130/night to work, typically I pay between 140 and 170. However for VIP rooms the club take a cut so for 15 min they take 50 and a half hour they take 75 and an hour they take 100 a little high by my standards so Lets say I pay 140 a night...I work 4 days a week (we are just averaging of course there are those nights they have to make exceptions. Anywho 140*4 if 560/week *4 is 2240 *12 26,880 Give a few extra thousand and you probably have it. That's more that my rent on my apt per month.

Last weekend I went to grab a bite with a girl friend at an italian place down the street and we thought we would dress it up a bit, I had to pee so I ran into the club on the way back to the car. Mind you I run into work and pee all the time...Also I'm not scheduled for saturdays.

Anyway upon leaving the club luis sends me a text saying I'm losing credibility, so i write him a lengthy one in return about how I don't like disappointing people...etc. He followed this text up with if you come in again on your days off I'm going to back-rent you...UMMMMM WHAT THE FUCK! IS THIS LEGAL? I mean there is a line of our contract that says any rule instated my management is basically law and we must follow that rule or it is a breach of our contract...I wonder sometimes how far they push this.

Considering how much I pay a week is it so horrible that I run in to use the restroom. I know that L says it distracts the girls who are working...but we are contractors and that means that we should be able to do our job without being told how to do our job, and considering that the only person really being affected is the dancer, I don't think that the clients lose any customer service from our end. I mean sure if that 5 minutes makes or breaks the night and that girl can't pay out I totally understand but I think it's a little extreme to say that I will be back rented if I'm there on a day or time I'm not scheduled.

In addition I don't know how many of you knew/know but there was a hot second for the past few months that it could have turned out that I had a life altering illness...but don't worry I don't so this blog won't be stopping due to my death from an illness any time soon...well knock on wood anyway, I mean I guess anything could happen I could contract malaria

I would just like to say thanks for all the emails I've received lately it's always nice to hear from whoever is reading this crazy thing.

That one time someone totally weirded my out...

So alongside this last weekend being one of the shittiest weekend on the books for a really long time. It was also the weekend that someone found my creeped out line and crossed it...Which takes a whole lot.

At one point this weekend I was on stage looking around, and thought to myself red..."this has to be one really long crazy anxiety dream, you're going to wake up any second...any fucking second now...okay wake yourself up...fuck I'm not dreaming"

Maybe a little back story would be helpful. I was walking the floor and this "gentleman" *as you know I use the term gentleman pretty loosely* approaches me, asks me for a dance, but says that he wants it in one of the booths on the floor, no big deal not my favorite but that's okay. We head over for a dance, we start chatting. He asks me if I like men who wear womens lingerie, i'm indifferent to it, I mean it doesn't bother me, but it doesn't shock me any more either. So I give him the normal run down of rules like I do everyone. We dance for a song, then he wants to take a one some break, I begrudgingly agree, I don't like standing back and talking since my club marks us for that as dancing and it was a slow night and I knew that I would have to pay for that "dance". Anywho this is where shit gets weird...This guy asks me to dom for him, totally normal, that happens pretty frequently.

This "gentleman" starts describing the things he would like me to do, and the ways in which he would like to prove himself to me, one way in which he would like to submit to me is by me taking a crap on his chest and having him eat in, because in his mind he believes/ed that I'm perfect and there is no way my crap could taste bad. This, this is the line, I don't do blood, play, skat, piss, or vomit. I just don't.

Then this gentleman depicted the way in which he would like for me to organize a gangbang for him so he could basically play count the cocks while tied to a chair and suck at least 50 men off. Okay I don't care about this, except that it was a lot of cocks for me to think about.

Another one that hit the gross throw-up button for me was a lengthy dialogue about how he would love for me to drink a giant cocktail glass filled with the ejaculate of many men, however if I couldn't finish he would happily do it for me. I hate the idea of strange ejaculate in my throat it totally grosses me out the viscosity of it is absolutely foul to me.

The other one that sent me over the edge, and why I put up with this for so long was a description in how he wanted me to be his dom, because he knew that I was a really strong woman. He wanted me to treat him like a little girl, to pretend that he was a little girl..."around 13" Anything that involves anyone underage, or the idea of underage people totally creeps me out, especially when they (the person who wants to pretend to be that young) wants me to convince grown men to..."take them in the ass softly"

So since I had to suffer though all of this I'm forcing all of you dear readers to do the same. My sincerest apologies for the gross out, but I can't let them fester in my head.

Good luck and dont' forget to keep your stick on the ice.

Talk dirty to me.

Past sex lives since... I know, I know, I know, I have been single for a billion and a half years.

Bella said some funny things the other night like "Let's go dry hump some dicks for money" "I haven't gotten laid so long I don't remember who was the president"

On that note it's amazing how many dances I've sold telling people past sex stories, or how talking about math and money can turn people on in bed, in my past experiences.

Last weekend I told a little white lie...I didn't actually have sex so I made up a story and it was a slow night so what the hell change the hustle. So I gave people the option of either a) getting a dance from me b) being told the story of how I had sex for the first time in a long time or c) both It was amazing how many people chose C. I might have to make this part of my slow night hustle.

Public, Privet, and Secret lives OMG PICTURE INCLUDED

Everyone lives three lives, or so batman tells me, the more I think about it the more he's correct.

Although I feel like sometimes my privet life and my public life are one in the same, but that's more a personal problem than anything else. So here we go lets dive in shall we folks.

My public life as you know it I'm a student I study accounting. I'm constantly thinking about ways to improve business make new businesses (yes batman I'm a working on a business plan, Semi I want to go over it with you as well, if I can ever catch a day where I'm not deathly ill...Just kidding all better, and down literally only 7lbs WHOOOO) trying to help those around me succeed all whilst being successful for those of you reading this you obviously know that I'm a stripper...and if you didn't then there is the shocker for the day, hide your husbands and your wives, again kidding, you will have to excuse me I haven't been sleeping very much lately midterms and all so I think I'm hilarious but you may think I'm not. Also on the public life...I'm like a very expensive piece of furniture at my club (only because I have given them oh lets round down and skip all the vip rooms I've done and say they come out in the wash for the very few deals I have ever needed to in the ball park of over 20k I mean when I write it out it seems like a deal wait that per month it comes out to around 100k that tuition at a great school, instead I'm trying to convince people I'm attractive maybe now is a good time for a photo for those of you that don't know me, disregard you've already seen it,

Anywho that's the jist of what I look like without a head...pretty sweet huh, oh and drop 10lbs off it. 

or maybe I'm more like the wallpaper it's redish so if we had blue it would be like...hmmm something is missing, something doesn't feel right if I were to leave. A few others as well. This, became incredibly apparent to me tonight as I was getting a ride with some of the staff and one of them noted that I've been coming in extremely late (Sorry everyone, I'll be more diligent from now on)

The privet life thing is a little different, being a stripper is something I don't scream at the top of my lungs or go to protests dressed in all white with a big ass glittery sign equating the tuition spike to the number of dances I'm going to have to do. I keep it a little quieter, but lately, it's been coming out a little more, hence the confusion of public vs. privet. There are parts of this life you can't hide,  like rolling into class on a Monday or Friday with slept in hooker face. Telling lab partners what you do and finding out they used to be married to a stripper late night like this. I'm so tired of staying up late. I hope I get to sleep at the dr. today. But my privet life is so much more than that it's this whole world, the the world I can't tell my parents about, it's the world I want everyone to understand but I know that they won't. It's the one thing write now that I really want to change amongst another million things I want to change...Like getting an hour of sleep on my couch I want to change that. Wait it's 8am I can finally put shit in the dryer. Sorry losing focus, sometimes this is my only outlet for my privet life. I used to tell friends what I was doing and they would all, always give me the same face...the RED, your too good for this and I worry about you face, and I would always have to reassure them that I was a big girl who could take care of herself which I'm pretty sure I have proved time and time again, with a few punches here, a few sit the fucks down there.

Then there is your secret life. Very few of you know about my secret life and if you do, you know I'm at a crux I'm at a point where I need to start making some choices on what I'm going to do right now. Holy shit we are fading fast. Sometimes I wish I could show people my privet life, and have them understand it, and not have it be a thing.  Right now most of my life is so compartmentalized and so privet that my closest friends well that's not true Bulliet knows what's going on but very few other people do, and i'm perfectly okay with that. Excuse my grammar as it goes to shit as I star to do the head nod, which means I need to get at least one hour of sleep tonight/today, who knows. I didn't even realize that it's wednesday and I have to work tomorrow.

I saw semi today, and batman, I also saw west today three of my favorite people in the world, they make this flaky fleetly stripper feel grounded, and like I can be myself, I can order a drink in the middle of the day if I want to. I can wear short skirts if I want to. Two of them are great friends that I don't think are going anywhere who know a lot about all three of my lives. All of them sort of accept me for who I am, know that I have bigger dreams, I just run slowly after them. I'm very thankful for them. I'm also very thankful for west he has a particular tone of voice that calms me down.
 I would say the only one that was missing was the DR, but I saw them yesterday (I'm so pissed at them for moving.), that person knows more about me than anyone should and if I run for office he may need to disappear.

I FUCKING LOVE MY JOB!

I do, I really do love it. I love talking to people. I love when my faith in humanity is restored though the people I meet at work like Mr. Manhattan, or airplane guy, yoga guy, irish guy, asian guy, semi-annual D. Women like Bullet who I couldn't live without at times, I'm so lucky to have her as my best friend. The professor, well I mean I didn't meet him at work, but I think that it's part of the reason we are friends. H who I adore. I know I've missed some folks but it's late.

HOWEVER NIGHTS LIKE TONIGHT MAKE ME HATE MY JOB.

I was told tonight by a sir that I was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in real life, then asked me for 2.5 songs for 40 dollars. I hate when people tell me silly things and then try to low ball me. Compliments don't pay my bills. I wish they did, I could dole out compliments to all my bill collectors all day.

I hate when people try to put their fingers in my mouth.

Although I appreciate any money someone spends on me. I know how hard people work...at least as hard if not more hard than I do. HOWEVER on nights like tonight when it's slammed all i had tonight was the one dance one off. I don't know what I was doing wrong, but everyone (basically) bought one dance...it was awful. I hustled my ass off, I'm exhausted from trying so hard.

I hate when I'm walking by someone and they grab my arm so hard that they make me lose my balance.  Putting a death grip on my ass.

I hate when dudes gyrate. Let me do the grinding, you are throwing off my whole game. Sit the fuck back and relax if you could dance you would have been a stripper trust me I've met plenty of male strippers.

DON'T MOTHER FUCKING LICK ME. I HATE IT, I'M A GERMAPHOBE. Lick me again and I'll rip your tongue out.

DO NOT PULL AT MY CLOTHING, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE.
It makes me want to punch you. If you want me to wear something specific email me or tell me some time, unless of course it's illegal then...no

Do not try to top from the bottom it's not okay, and it makes me want to show you what a real dom looks like you little bitch

Please stop pulling my underwear' up my ass, and over my hips, it's not the 90's and I don't like weggies.

Also if you ask me again how much to touch I'll be pulling out pinking shears and saying it's a finger every time...you programers are going to have to get creative with how you work.

Do not haggle the price with me, it's not negotiable. It is what I say it is, and it's insulting when you tell me how pretty I am and how much you like me, and then tell me i'm not worth TWENTYfuckingDOLLARS. You have no idea what an ego blow that is.

It's been a long couple of months get ready for some more rants followed by one good night and some other good stuff. Hang in there readers I promise it gets better.