an hour a day... and some random early morning thoughts.

I know I said I was past my writers block but I'm not. Although this weekend I did decide something. IF you are going to say no to me for a dance you have to give me 3 compliments. It's funny when people are put on the spot and asked to say something nice about someone sitting right in front of them. Sometimes I feel like we are slightly dehumanized considering the amount of times we get the hand in the face "no, no, i'm good come back later." I think it makes you all remember that we are still people most of the time. I mean it is the one place you can stare at our bodies and comment openly on how nice they are, or how I have a heavy butt...or used to have a heavy butt. That night totally cracked me up. There are so many nights and things that crack me up.

Nev came into work tonight to grab her liscense, she cornered me in the mens room. I was in the stall and started taking off my hoops and putting my hair up I was so worried she was going to try to fight me. She was all like Red I heard you said I attacked baby...to which I responded that I didn't say that and baby even admitted to throwing the 1st blow. She also said that I said it was all her fault, which wasn't true at all. Girls get things so messed up and they change the stories around so much to make them sound better in their minds or whomever they can throw under the bus. Sometimes this job is a little crazy.

In this job promises are made to us so often it's hard to tell whats real and what's not most of the time. A promise was made recently and I'm so hoping it's an actual thing because it's a game changer, a huge game changer, which I need right now. I really, really, really, really, really, need a game changer. I don't feel stuck right now. I just feel like I need a little extra push to get me back on the right path. I'm not scare of where I am, I love my club, I love my girls, I just need this extra thing so I feel safe making some different moves. Like yoga everyday again. Making sure I'm taking time for myself. I literally don't really remember the last time i did that. I'm suppose to do it, I think people think that I do it, but really I don't it's all smoke and mirrors (sometimes) I mean sleeping that's my escape, not orginal or exciting I know. I want yoga and travel, and nights out, and more pillows on my bed. Sometimes (batman this has nothing to do with you, or anyone else that would worry that I'm talking about them I'm not) I am just trying to fit everything in and see everyone and make it look like I've got it together and really I do have it together, but I'm just running on this crazy stripper schedule which means that I'm always late and always sleep deprived. This post is getting so strange the longer I stay up. It would also reduce so much of my stress, I suppose that's what makes it a game changer, it's something I don't even want to talk about even though I'm talking about it, because I need to stay extra motivated no matter what...although that would motivate me more. Whatever I need to stop thinking about it. I feel like anna feris in house bunny when she says her wish outloud and then regrets it immediately and takes it back by sucking the air back in. That is exactly how I feel right now. It's a stripper super stition for sure don't talk about things you really want to happen. And if this thing doesn't happen I won't be mad, I don't feel like I can be. The mention of it was reminder enough that I'm not just a stripper or a shitty person or whatever, I deserve good things too, and sometimes I have to experiance bad things to appreciate the good things, and if this thing was just something to motivate me to work harder than so be it...Work harder I will. Aint nothing going to hold me down, aint nothing going to break my stride oh no I got to keep on movin.

I suppose it's because my year from hell is coming to a close that I keep hoping things are going to change and I know I need to make them change and I've been doing that. I haven't been just sitting on the sidelines boohooing about whatever fucking bullshit. I've been getting back in the game not taking shit so personally, remembering it's suppose to be fun, and that helps money come by a little easier, and believing that I'm sexy. The whole phase of me not believing that was not a working for me.

So I've been looking at where my traffic is coming from and my reffering sites. Apparently I need to create some ad's the thing is I don't know how. I've been reading a ton lately about writing blogs and always having relevent content, and it's all this pressure all of a sudden. I need to start bringing my laptop to work and get one of those hotspot thingy madoodles so I can blog when it's slow about what I'm thinking about.... and create ads I think of really good stuff while I'm there and I try to write it down, but remembering at this hour is way hard. I was going though old posts there is some good stuff I didn't publish in there. I'm going to have to start publishing throwback pieces from the archive.

Time needs to go by so much faster so I can get my shit done and go to bed. It's strange sometimes it feels like I'm just waiting for time to pass so I can go to work especially since I'm not taking summer school.

I just recieved an email asking me if my amazon wishlist is up to date...it's not my photo is soooo old I really need to change that and update it with some shit I really want...Like... I have no idea but I'm sure there is something I want...I found something. I need to link my twitter or my blog to my wish list I suppose there might be a better chance of me actually getting a pepper grinder or whatever the hell else is on there. Fabric to reupholster my couch. That's my next big project that I'm determined to finish before school starts again.

Alright time to clean my room and work on being sexy all the time.

Stripper Fight...My ride or die bitches.

I have to get up early today. I have a long day ahead of me. Sadly however I'm having that nightly anxiety thing. Whatever.

Last night I wrote that Nev said that Co and Baby were talking shit about me and I was super mad and fuck my club and all that. I'm sure the happenings of tonight are not going to help anyones opinions of me, and that's okay I'll figure it out. Last night I told Nev that I was surely going to tell baby and Co that I heard from her that they were talking shit about me. So I send Co a text and she writes me back saying it's all bullshit. Then I pull baby aside and ask her what the fuck the deal is.

At the end of the night tonight I walk in the back and Nev and Baby are getting into it. Baby starts asking her what the fuck she is talking about saying that she said something about me. Nev turns to me and said shes lying she was talking about you. Baby says red are you serious do you really think I wouldn't tell you if I hoped in your ex n***** whip and some punk ass bitch was in there? DO you? I said I sure hope you would tell me.

Ok I'm switching to quotes and letters

N: Whatever Red, be friends with fake ass bitches at least I tell you I think you're a bitch and don't like you all the time.
R: And I appreciate that we can agree to disagree.
B: N'a I would never say that shit about Red and honestly you keep getting the dudes name wrong. I never said that shit. I never said shit about Red, Red and I have done known each other for 100 years and were real close. I would never...
N: Bitch, you talk more shit about everyone than anyone in here.
B: Bitch really, really, you talk about people so much you try to interject and read peoples text message you snoopy ass bitch.
N: Bitch you act like you are so tough but when Luis was here and he would have let us settle this outside you never wanted to go because you were too mature for that shit then. Now you're all like fuck you Winter is here, you think you are protected from whatever bitch, you're just some punk ass bitch. I bet you can't even fight.
Ryan is in the locker room at this point. observing we had a fight the other day so tempers are flaring right now.
B: Bitch are you serious? Are you fucking serious right now. I want to keep my job and it's pointless to fight some stupid ass bitch like you. Bitch you're high, you look sick look at your face, look at how pale you are. Bitch I don't even like you but I'm going to pray for you.
N: Fuck you bitch, you're all bark and no bite you would fight anyone ever, stupid bitch, can't tell the truth bitch.
At this point I've walked back to my corner.
Nev turns towards her purse and is still talking shit about what a chump baby is and blah blah blah what a dumb bitch she is, isn't going to amount to anything bitch.
Baby turns to me and her eyes get huge and she says "I'm going to mangle this bitch" turns around as nev is all like "FUCK YOU BITCH"
Baby grabs her and smashes her into the counter Nev pops up and Baby smashes her into the lockers and water is spilling so all of a sudden they are on the floor baby is on her back Nev is screaming she's a dumb bitch, baby kicks her I grab baby from behind. DJ's girl grabs Nev, I'm all like baby, baby, baby.

At this point shit gets real WINTER walks in (winter is my favorite person in this industry) she's like "What the fucking fuck, break it the fuck up you two." Winter grabs Nev and I think this is were Nev made a really bad choice and she starts swinging at Winter and smashes her in the wrist a few times...Bad fucking move. The fight gets broken up Nev goes outside, Baby and Winter go in the bathroom to chat.

I walk in a little later to give my two cents, and it turns out Nev broke Winters favorite bracelet...no fucking good. Like the really wrong thing to do.
Co finally makes it in and Co was ready to fight to. So we all had a powwow with winter, and I said that I felt responsible since Nev told me that they were talking shit and I confronted them about it and said I heard it from Nev not before telling Nev I was going to bring her name up. So a conclusion was come to that Nev was trying to start some shit with some of the top bitches for god knows what reason.

Regardless we won't be seeing her for quite some time, and baby is taking a little break as well, so we will see how work is tomorrow.

The strange thing is Co and Baby are my ride or die bitches, Baby smashed Nev tonight because she was talking shit trying to fuck with our friendship. I take back the trust no bitch...Trust only a couple of bitches.

This club needs an overhaul and I'm so glad Winter is there because she will do it. In the mean time I hope I can just keep focusing on me and keeping my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

I guess it's better to be talked about than forgotten.

Tonight I found out that all this comradie and tight night bonds I think exsit inside of my job are the fakest things tin the world. I had a little bird tell me that one of my good friends whom I tell a lot of my fears and dreams too, whom I thought I could trust, apparently just talks mad shit about me behind my back, that I'm a washed up stripper, that I'm not as bad as I used to be ( I HAD A HARD YEAR! CAN I GET A BREAK PPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEEE ANYBODY). I don't make the money I used to and that no one really likes me.

Another home girl knew my ex was cheating apparently and didn't say shit to me about it. THANKS! I mean I don't care about him but why keep the secret.

Apparently I'm just the topic of conversation when it comes to who to talk shit about. Thank god I'm one of those people who doesn't give up I just want to be better that's all. I'm just made, just tell me you don't like me, I can handle the fucking truth.

Things I don't remember, like how the hell did I get here

There are things I don't remember like...all my malevolent intentions...Thank you modest mouse side project of ugly cassanova for being the soundtrack to my evening.
Somehow this month is going by so insanely fast and I can't slow it down, but I really need to. I don't have enough time in the day to finish all my projects, or spend time with the people I want to spend time with, or make a gabagillion dollars, that I needed to make like 3 days ago. Le sigh, and there is always tomorrow...every strippers mantra, we live and die by tomorrow. However that's not what we are here for today.

Today I remembered and it's going to sound funny, that people come to the strip club to have fun. I know strange that I could forget that but when things become so routine you sort of forget why you do them or what your purpose in doing them is. I had sort of put myself in a rut of just going with the flow, forgetting that although these men may seem like the same men from the nights before they are different. I try to remind myself that everyone has something interesting about them, I forget, I get sidetracked thinking about my own stuff...till tonight, tonight was hilarious, tonight was a great reminder of individuals.
There was a group of african american gentlemen who came in, typically they don't like me I don't fit whatever I'm suppose to fit, but for some reason these guys, thought I was the baddest bitch, and they were vocal about it. It was so nice to hear that, and although I hear it pretty often that I'm super pretty or whatever, sometimes it's so nice to hear it from people you don't usually hear it from.

Interloper Insanity

This is the icing on the cake of my year...I mean it can get worse it can get way worse, so now it's just funny.

On the 4th of july this my interloper was suppose to pay me rent for the month that had happened (june) as that is how her rent structure is set up. (I'm writing this in 15 minutes so I can hopefully sleep, charcuterie sent me an email and pushes my buttons). She came home and sat outside the door and happened to hear +1 and myself venting our frustrations and voicing our concern for her general well being. She bursts in the door and proclaims "FUCK YOU GUYS, BULLSHIT YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK, FUCK YOU RED" I fully admit to talking about her behind her back. She starts yelling about how she's leaving and not fucking paying since I'm not staying...I remind her that's not how it works. I get her to calm down a bit and sit down and try to get her not to make any rash decisions. I leave her alone for a minute.

So I come back in her room and her back is turned to me so I leave her be for a bit...Then it dawns on me that she's probably up to no good and what do you know she is, she's doing something I very specifically asked her not to do in my fucking house....This is when all hell breaks loose.

Interloper is pacing my flat, fireworks are starting to go off and my dog starts to freak out. She starts crying and runs into her room. I ask her what's wrong she hits me with a "FUCK YOU RED I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOURE SUCH A BITCH, WHY DOES +1 KEEP GOING OUTSIDE? YOU CALLED THE COPS I'M GETTING ARESSTED AREN'T I!" I tell her she's not she hasn't done anything to get arrested for. I walk away...Thinking I can start getting ready for work, I should have thought like a child it would have been more productive.

I hear yelling and Interloper runs into the bathroom and trys to close the door screaming she's going to slit her wrists. I smash my way into the bathroom and see a knife in her left hand I get my arm through her arm and hand up on the back of her neck and start bending her hand like they teach you in judo and  tell her to drop...she finally does, and storms off to her room...remember she's high on drugs at this point. So I follow her to her room and tell her she has a few options she can calm down, or I can call the police, she promises to calm down, then goes back to thinking the police have arrived and wants to know why there are so many people outside...It's the 4th imagine trying to explain a holiday to someone who's paranoid and hallucinating, it's pretty fucking hard. (Sidebar, my college roommates sister tried to stab herself with a kitchen knife over her boyfriend, and I've wrestled knives away from a few people at this point in my life.). We get her calmed down enough and I head to work.

I come home, she's sitting in her room pouting I ask her what's up. She stands up to check the window for creepy crawlies and cops, and as she stands up I see she's been sitting with a knife (face palm). I start telling her she needs to work on her life, she freaks out and says she's leaving, I demand her keys and she whips them at me grabs a wad of cash out of he bag (rent) and storms out with nothing. She runs to the neighbors house whom she's friends with...fine go I give zero fucks.

Fast forward to today, she needs her stuff I say she can come get it if she pays rent, she says it's in her purse...it's not I looked. So I hand her her purse and she says she needs her other stuff for work and I tell her no. She pushes her way into my apartment and I start doing the thing where I yell and clap my hands because I don't want to slap her for being such an immature inconsiderate bitch with zero respect for anyone. So instead I scream at her to take her shit and std covered crap out of my house. ( I say shit covered because I was looking for something of hers in the trash and thank god I put on gloves because she had taken some of her turds and put them in there HUMAN FUCKING SHIT IN MY GARBAGE SO MOTHER FUCKING GROSS). She screams "FINE FUCK YOU" then I ask her where she is going and get in her way and say no, and she says "I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T FUCKING MOVE I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE" I think of how I can't miss work over a broken nose or a missing tooth and I get out of the way. She drags her shit in the stairwell. I give her a minute. Then I think...red you should be helpful she can't carry all that.

So I head to the stairs and while she's shleping her shit out and down the stairs, grab her suitcase and take it down the elevator. She comes out the door and starts talking shit when she realizes that my apt manager is right there...So I help her take her stuff right down the way. Mind you shortly before this as she was trudging her shit out, I yelled at her that she was totally ungrateful, irresponsible with no forethought or consideration for others and that if I see her on the street I won't give her any change.

I feel like this great weight has  been lifted from my life. I mean I still have to get rent and the money I loaned her out of her...hahaha or I just sue her for it, I mean I doubt I will get it but perhaps I can help her reach her bottom a little faster so she starts to seek out help. She's never had to deal with consequences when it comes to her actions.

Thoughout the past week I found out how many times she has called me a raging bitch, taking my food without asking, waltzed into my room to help herself to whatever. She also almost pawned some of my stuff because she thought I wouldn't notice. AND,AND,AND TO TOP IT THE FUCK OFF SHE'S BEEN MEAN TO MY DOG ACCORDING TO +1 whom I believe. I will not stand for anyone being mean to my pickoopie, that's the only thing I care about in the whole world

At the same time I feel like a horrible friend for letting her slide this far down a dark hole, but people are going to do what people want to do no matter what.

At the same time I can't let myself fail because of someone else needs me to go with them. I can't have someone in my house that does drugs and doesn't see a reason to quit.

She does have some redeeming qualities, she listens something. Okay neckcramping and getting strange half dreams going so time to get some real sleep and not a nap. 

This girl, doesn't have a ged, doesn't know what one is. 

She's obsessed with Kimkardasian. She never cleans anything I have started to clean up the make-up smears that cover my apartment.

Long story short she's super cray, does not care about care about anyone but herself and that's questionable. She's getting a whole chapter later on the crazy shit she did.

Summer, summer, summer time...I think I have titled a blog this before.

So today I was enjoying one of my favorite summertime activities...and observing a tinder date at the same time. I was talking to a good friend of mine a non-stripper (crazy I know I have non-stripper friends). Anyway we were talking about what I've been up to and the writing I've been doing lately. I text her the other day and she had deleted my text somehow a while ago so I said I was Red, because I am Red. She was out with another friend at the time and couldn't think of who "Red" was...she said "who's red" out loud and the friend she was with we will say V said..."you mean Red from The Mens Room? I love her"...So V thanks for listening to me on the mens room I really appreciate it, and yes you should come down and see me sometime.

Today was sprinkled with delightful little surprises, like embarrassing myself to no end when I should have kept my mouth shut.

Also...A delightful surprise of a really wonderful Indian gentleman, I am not even kidding right now. I was walking the floor tonight slowly like I always do, lining up in my head whom I'm going to prey on I mean approach next, and I catch an Indian man looking at me and really trying to get my attention. I did what I usually do which is ignore them/him for a moment. I finally walked up to him, and he was so sweet, didn't waste a ton of my time, he didn't try to renegotiate dance prices(that), he just agreed to get a dance. I laid out the rules like I always do. Low and behold this man who statistics would say would be a total jerk was so polite and nice it was great, it was the most pleasant surprise I've had in a while when it comes to talking to new Indian men. Faith renewed...right here all it takes is one good one, where as one bad kid can ruin it for the whole class when it comes to chewing gum or whatever in elementary school. As an adult and in my industry it's the exact opposite all it takes is one good one to erase all the bad.

Also just as an FYI so I can get it off my chest, and on the record.

Nev, last night was telling me about her relationship issues, and I was trying not to get into it, because I had overheard it like 5 times by then. Somehow and I thought she said this to drag me in, she said that her Mr. had threatened to "start talking to me" to get back at her. She asked me not to do that to her because it was just kill her. The thing is I would never, in one million years of a number of dollars do that ever. I would never helps someone cheat on their significant other. I would also never, even after they were broken up hook-up with anyone I work with's SO, or XSO, everything about it is so incredibly wrong with that it breaks like the highest rule of girl code.  Not that this fact matters he is so not my type or someone I would be attracted to. Personality is a huge thing for me and someone who threatens their lover with interactions with someone they find a threat is not someone I want anything to do with. Even if that wasn't a thing still not my type, I don't even have a type, but he's really not someone I would be into.

Side rant...
 I'm also really tired of this club, it feels like I should be doing better, like being hot would be worth something but it seems like it's not here...That being said I think I'm going to go back to traveling between here and PDX a little bit more. I feel like when I travel it reminds me of my worth since Dejavu has a tendency to brainwash us into thinking that we must work for them, and we must pay them a crazy amount every night, and that there is no where else to work, and that we aren't that attractive or smart...Yup I need a break. PDX I'm coming for you...If I can force myself to, DAMN YOU BRAINWASHING!

Man, I always give in...

The following post is just an example of how I'm totally unreasonable and a little crazy, and little bit bitchy. Also how I have spent many nights at work texting with someone who didn't get me trying to explain my point of view and only having it come out negatively but I can't let things go sometimes...So I guess that's a new goal to let things go.

Below is a comment left by an anyonomous person. I've numbered the things I'll be talking about.

maybe it would be better to acknowledge that (1)people have positive traits also instead of only dwelling on their failings. So many of your posts are simply cutting people down. (2)The Indians who grope, (3)the guys who treat you badly, (4)Philly. It used to be fun to read your blog, (5)now it is only crying about how everybody treats you unfairly. I'm reminded of how when a person points a finger there are three fingers pointed back at herself.

1.Alright...I try to say something I like about everyone.

2. Indian men who grope...How exactly am I suppose to find the good in a man who decided that I'm not a person but I'm an object that doesn't deserve any respect and that they can do whatever they want, because of the occupation I've chosen. That's like me going to amazon, giving someone a wet willy, a weggy, demanding that their pay be dropped and they somehow put me in charge of drone delivery, then doing it again, and again, after they swat my hands away and say no politely, then when they say no not so politely. Honestly I do complain about this a lot because I'm really hoping at some point people read it and talk about it and it eventually gets around that it's not okay...and yes if I make it a little funnier they might read it, and talk about it a little differently. Anyway back to the point...it is never okay to try to grab my boobs, give me a tongue bath, trying to touch any mucus membrane my eyeballs and nostrils included, all while telling me they don't want to pay for standard dance because it's too much and they want all these crazy extras and don't want to pay for it even if it were on the menu which it is not. There are quite a few Indian men I do like, and I should talk about them more often. Incedentally I'm not going to say that the gentlemen trying to get all up in my biz with out my permish had a super nice pager.

3. Guys who treat me badly... I just skimmed my blog, and I think what I complain about more is how I'm tired of the club treating us badly, there being no customers, there being no increase in marketing, but an increase in the amount of rent we pay to them. I talk about how I am annoyed that gentlemen don't want to dance with me and my confusion about it and what I can do to change, or how I can be more attractive while I'm at work...mind you I don't run around complaining about how someone told me no because I don't give blow jobs, let alone cheap blow jobs...again I don't think I complain about guys treating me badly unless they actually do something like get dances and not pay for them. Also I think I'm allowed to complain about being ripped off outside of work, since while I'm at work I almost never say I'm having a bad time I make it a point to say I'm having a good night, or a great time, or whatever I'm always positive. Again some of the ways I spin things could be a little funnier.

4. Philly...oh philly. There are a lot of good things about her. Philly has taught me a lot of great lessons over the course of dancing...someone will lie to you to get whatever it is that you have. Also that the things I have or the people close to me, are things people want, or people they want to be associated with, or that they will stop at nothing to get them including totally betraying their best friend, therefore teaching me to do what's best for ones self regardless of wether or not it means getting rid of some people around you...especially if you will be happier. Also to hustle, to ball hard and to hustle hard. That people in this industry who seem fake probably are. I could go on and on about philly and the things I've learned from her, the things I love about her. I'll totally write another blog post about her and how great she has been over the years, seriously some of the most valuable things....ugh I can't type I'm falling asleep.

So...my life is not bad, at all, I love it, and all the girls I work wit