How to be the best stripper...ever (the word according to red)

Lately I've been asking myself how to get back to my original self. The self that made money hand over fist. I'm still attractive, I'm still smart. There is no reason why I should make money the last hour of work. Also I was asked to give advise on the subject considering my amazing abilities to retain regulars...although I am taking on new regulars if anyone is up for the challenge. I didn't advise them as I didn't have time and I didn't know what to say considering my most recent luck...

After binge watching a ton of netflix and hulu, and really going though everything in the past 10 years of my life ( it is getting to be that time of year where I start talking about the years passed). That there is a little bit of truth in the fiction of movies. I suppose what I'm about to say is probably going to concern some people. (Family I'm not talking to you or about you, or anyone who may think I'm referencing them personally I'm not this is more of a general statement)...YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THE LIE. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY THE BEST PERSON ON THE FLOOR AND THAT NO ONE ELSE EXISTS OR THAT THEY ARE THERE TO ASSIT YOU IN MAKING MONEY. That's it that's all it takes. Oh and a six minute limit. If you can't close in six minutes you aren't going to close it. Remember it's an option you are selling, not a demand, and you have to believe that they are not the only option as well. Oh and the lie never derive from the lie. I don't mean lie to everyone about everything. I mean more like method acting believe who you are while you are on the floor. I always take time to adjust from work me to me me, before interacting with anyone.

So here is to getting back into myself and truly believing that "don't can't call me bitch, bitch"is the truest I have been with myself. Right up there with knowing a little bit about everything and taking interest in everything as well. Also righting myself for thinking I've been wrong at all and shouldn't do this or don't deserve to do it well. So that's all it takes to be a great stripper, just believe in yourself, and some tall, tall shoes.

Summer, summer, summer time...I think I have titled a blog this before.

So today I was enjoying one of my favorite summertime activities...and observing a tinder date at the same time. I was talking to a good friend of mine a non-stripper (crazy I know I have non-stripper friends). Anyway we were talking about what I've been up to and the writing I've been doing lately. I text her the other day and she had deleted my text somehow a while ago so I said I was Red, because I am Red. She was out with another friend at the time and couldn't think of who "Red" was...she said "who's red" out loud and the friend she was with we will say V said..."you mean Red from The Mens Room? I love her"...So V thanks for listening to me on the mens room I really appreciate it, and yes you should come down and see me sometime.

Today was sprinkled with delightful little surprises, like embarrassing myself to no end when I should have kept my mouth shut.

Also...A delightful surprise of a really wonderful Indian gentleman, I am not even kidding right now. I was walking the floor tonight slowly like I always do, lining up in my head whom I'm going to prey on I mean approach next, and I catch an Indian man looking at me and really trying to get my attention. I did what I usually do which is ignore them/him for a moment. I finally walked up to him, and he was so sweet, didn't waste a ton of my time, he didn't try to renegotiate dance prices(that), he just agreed to get a dance. I laid out the rules like I always do. Low and behold this man who statistics would say would be a total jerk was so polite and nice it was great, it was the most pleasant surprise I've had in a while when it comes to talking to new Indian men. Faith renewed...right here all it takes is one good one, where as one bad kid can ruin it for the whole class when it comes to chewing gum or whatever in elementary school. As an adult and in my industry it's the exact opposite all it takes is one good one to erase all the bad.

Also just as an FYI so I can get it off my chest, and on the record.

Nev, last night was telling me about her relationship issues, and I was trying not to get into it, because I had overheard it like 5 times by then. Somehow and I thought she said this to drag me in, she said that her Mr. had threatened to "start talking to me" to get back at her. She asked me not to do that to her because it was just kill her. The thing is I would never, in one million years of a number of dollars do that ever. I would never helps someone cheat on their significant other. I would also never, even after they were broken up hook-up with anyone I work with's SO, or XSO, everything about it is so incredibly wrong with that it breaks like the highest rule of girl code.  Not that this fact matters he is so not my type or someone I would be attracted to. Personality is a huge thing for me and someone who threatens their lover with interactions with someone they find a threat is not someone I want anything to do with. Even if that wasn't a thing still not my type, I don't even have a type, but he's really not someone I would be into.

Side rant...
 I'm also really tired of this club, it feels like I should be doing better, like being hot would be worth something but it seems like it's not here...That being said I think I'm going to go back to traveling between here and PDX a little bit more. I feel like when I travel it reminds me of my worth since Dejavu has a tendency to brainwash us into thinking that we must work for them, and we must pay them a crazy amount every night, and that there is no where else to work, and that we aren't that attractive or smart...Yup I need a break. PDX I'm coming for you...If I can force myself to, DAMN YOU BRAINWASHING!

Radio interview...and a bunch of bullshit about things I'm considering talking about.

Yup another radio interview tomorrow for I think a small personally owned radio station they want to ask the usual questions. I'm sure the question about relationships is coming up which moves us into strippers and boyfriends. Mind you I know some girls with very healthy relationships, I'll be talking about them soon. HOWEVER I HAVE MAGICALLY CONVINCED GIRLS TO LET ME INTERVIEW THEM ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIPS GET READY INTERNET THIS NEW SEGMENT IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

We all complain about the same things (hence why I don't date)
Things our boyfriends hate collectively.
1) They hate our jobs, but love our money
2) Hate how much or when we work, but don't mind spending our money or getting gifts.
3) If we mention we want something say as a gift from say our boyfriend they tell us to ask a custy, but hate when we go in early.
3a) When they want a gift they ask us to ask our customers

PREVIEW.
1.One girl dates a dude who only wears rick owens and owns enough clothes he could own a house. I understand that I love rick owens and I love clothes...also he buys them. I've met him he's hilarious. They also have a pretty healthy view on dating.
2.Another girl just dates a shitty dude I'll be talking a whole lot about him.
3. Another dates a hippie with a radiology degree who doesn't use it.
4. One girl went on a date with a dude I went on a date with the one who camped on my lawn...man I hope I wrote about that.
5. I'll be dishing dirt on dudes I've dated, and the type of guy I actually like...and maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, I'll dish on dudes I've actually had crushes on...like real ones.

However don't worry I'll still be talking about stripper shit, because no one wants to read about rom-com crap.

Sorry I suppose I'm just a little excited that my writers block is over.

Body dysmorphia is a serious thing.

First before I get into the guts of tonight I would like to say. DAMN I LOVE RADISHES even without butter.

So tonight I got into it with someone on instagram. How childish right? That's what I thought but sometimes I'm a little indulgent because it's nice hiding behind a screen. What happend you ask?  Well you can view the whole thing on insta by looking up redflagrampage and seeing how horrible I am at insulting people, and typing, and spelling and all those other things I'm not good at, speaking of I need to be in bed with my eyes closed in 19 minutes so please excuse the mess I call a blog.

Anyway. I posted some silly photo of me in my underwear (surprise) and tagged it with something like #dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwashotlikeme and this young lady commented saying there is a difference between hot and FAT and trashy. Mind you I would assume trashy right off the bat as well because aren't all strippers highly uneducated and living in the ghetto? Oh wait no we don't most of us have normal lives, and clean homes, and decent modes of transportation.

I responded by saying that I agreed with her and I thought it was silly that people also considered tattoos and smoking pot trashy.
She replied with "I'm not sure if you're on drugs or illiterate or just really awful at sarcasm really. it's a tough call"
I'm not on drugs, nor am I illiterate. I actually take offense to the lack of literacy comment.

I did a very brief skim of her photos not paying much attention to her. She retorted with something something. I must not be very bright. Then it got ugly. I told her to see a therapist since she seemed to have issues with herself and other women, and I would be concerned about gateway drug usage, and when getting into a "real job" they tend to drug test, so I claimed she didn't have a job, or an education. Major bad on my part, rude and mean. She got back to me saying I'm unfortunate and need therapy ( I actually go to therapy I think everyone should) and then she called me filthy and unfortunate. She stated she's been living on her own for 3 years and she's getting her esthetician license in january. Then came the squabble of me being narcissistic and not deserving respect because I don't have close on and I shouldn't give "advise" (advice) because of this and if I were to wear clothes I may be relevant enough to be taken seriously.
I got back to her admitted to having narcissistic tendencies, and that she shouldn't take me seriously, it's my work thingy, it's marketing for the most part and a good way to keep up with others in the industry. Or follow people I couldn't follow with my everyday life thing. I said something about needing to go back to work, and mentioned her lack of punctuation (like I should be one to talk, I also mentioned that, and directed her to right here.)

She said she is to blind to get LASIK so she can't see what she types, and that there is not difference between reality and make believe when it's trashy photos. She then apologized for my lack of job prospects and that I must strip for income, also that she hates encountering photos like this when browsing Instagram (question, my hashtags are pretty specific for things that would produce images of this nature, why would you search them if you didn't want to see this, or the few people I follow are clearly industry) She then said she was tired after laughing at me at my expense. I was then informed that her LEXILE SCORE was that of an average scientist, so I should not have said anything about her grammer, she's right I shouldn't have mine is horrible. Then she looped a friend in. She finished up by calling me a mediocre body with no face because she's right I do chop it off for safety reasons. Saying I'm not ashamed to show all of it and then some.

After this I brought it up to the girls in the locker room. We started going though her pictures and it became very apparent that she may be suffering from anorexia. I instantly felt bad. Like horrible. Of course this girl is trying to rip me apart, she has issues with herself, and it feels better to make fun of someone else, when you are tearing yourself apart from the inside out.

I left her one last comment...Saying that I was sorry, and that had I looked sooner I never would have said those things, and that if she needs someone to talk to to email me. I said that I know how hard it can be to be a woman in this day in age. I brought up a story of an ex of mine always checking out other women with big boobs, and how it literally gave me a complex and for a long time I thought he didn't like me and that I wasn't attractive, which was not true at all. I told her that becoming a stripper was the best thing I could have done for my body image issues, it has made me realize that beauty is not just one way, it's so many ways, and not everyone likes one thing. I told her that even if she doesn't believe me, or doesn't like "me" (even though she has no idea who I am...at all) that there is someone who cares about her, wants the best for her and wants her to love herself more than anyone else because no one is going to go to bed with you more than you go to bed with you.

It made me really sad to think that there are girls that still pick on other girls because of their own discomfort in their own skin. I wish so badly that my job didn't have the stigma it does and that people could see the benefits. I feel like lately I've been too quiet about the good things and that I gave up on going hard for those involved in the sex industry. I used to fight for this so hard. This girl reminded me why I should fight for it, because it's no fighting for me and my type of people it's fighting for women and the freedom to be themselves, and the right to love themselves unconditionally.

GVS strikes local strip club....

For those of you unfamiliar with GVS it is a horrible illness known in it's entirety as Golden Vagina Syndrome, it typically inhabits the bodies of newer strippers. One of the girls in my locker area is currently suffering from it.

I walked into work last night and it was crowded in my area, I couldn't turn my big butt around without running it into someone else. There is this younger stripper in the back having a conversation with one of my fave girls about fighting, and how she doesn't talk shit. Let me also interject that she's wasted, she puts down at least a 750ml bottle of Vodka every night she works She is continually saying how she doesn't say anything that she just leans back and smiles, before she picks up the heaviest thing she can find to swing at someone...First off this is dumb, you are currently talking shit, and there are a bunch of bitches back here who would happily prove you wrong.

S (another fave of mine) is talking about how crowed it is and that people need to move and get on the floor so there is space to get ready. GVSS (golden vagina syndrome suffer) is also talking about how it's crowed, but she's not getting ready she's just milling about, S tells her to get out since she doesn't have a purpose for being back there. She also drops that she might drop kick her if she doesn't. I chime in with "If you don't need to be back here Get The Fuck Out" She decides to come back at me with "Bitch don't tell me what to do" I'm caught a little off guard, I was merely chiming in, and yes I wasn't being very nice, I'll admit it, she annoys me. At the same time she can be so sweet when she's not drunk, nicest girl, she's caring, funny, and all sorts of other things, but when she's wasted and around other newish strippers with egos she's fucking awful. I retorted with, "you're the one that said you couldn't breathe so fix it. She starts talking to the girls around her all while she's within arms reach of me saying "I wish a N*g* (you get the idea) would" Other girls are trying to calm her down, it's not working so I open my mouth again and I'm like "Hey I was joking, calm down" She pipes back with "Don't fucking tell me to calm down, never ever tell me to calm down, I will fuck you up" At this point I'm waiting for this drunk bitch to punch me. I'm thinking there is about to be a locker room fight, because this bitch keeps running her mouth every night. She leaves to smoke.

L comes down and says that GVSS is upstairs saying everyone is being bitchy and to tell her if I'm talking shit. I turn to L and say please tell her I'm talking shit, that she needs to quit drinking so much and running her mouth. I don't think it ever got back to her. We started talking about how great she is when she isn't drunk, as I mentioned before she's awesome.

She comes back down, L says "I hate drunk people they totally annoy me" GVSS "Says oh I'm sorry I hope I'm not annoying you" L "I didn't even notice" L then turns to me and says "Red wouldn't it be awesome if we could actually fight people and not get fired for it" I smirk and say "Yup it would be pretty rad" Sometimes it would be nice to just get it out rather than squawking at each other. Or for the girls that talk a big game to actually bring it to the table. This statement quieted the whole shit talking forum that was happening.

GVS is a dangerous thing, it can turn a whole club against you. This girl is really working on making some enemies with all her drinking and acting like she's the top bitch. She's also one of those girls that talks about how much she weighs or doesn't weigh. She's cute don't get me wrong. She has big boobs, shes Puerto Rican, she's pretty. One night she was all like blah, blah, blah, I weigh 120 blah, blah, blah. The thing is I look lighter than her, I might just be lighter than her but I'm also super muscular, to the point people comment on what good shape I'm in, not in an overly done way yet. I work out. I run, I try to stay active, I feel pretty fit. This girl follows that statement with I'm an athlete, my whole family consists of athletes I'm just too lazy to work out. UMM WHAT THE FUCK! YOU ARE NOT AN ATHLETE UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY WORK OUT, JUST FYI. Statements like that obviously annoy me. There are those of us that work hard to look a certain way and I don't need anyone negating the work that I do. I so want the best for this girl, I really want her to quit being delusional, before someone slaps some sense into her.

Some quick quips to entertain you this morning...

Me: I want to go home
Manager: Can't you just stay and sell one more dance?
Me: You do realize I've already made up my mind, I'm tired, I'm crabby, and I don't see any sales in my future.
Manager: Fine, give me $60.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY NO! YOU CAN HAVE $50
Manager: Don't kill the messenger I'm just trying to do my job.
Me: FUCK THAT I'LL KILL YOU AND EVERY SUBSEQUENT MESSENGER TILL THE OWNER GETS HERE AND I MIGHT JUST KILL HIM TOO!
Manager: You know I sort of believe you...ok $50
Manager: Why do you have to be so scary all the time.
(for the record should the owner or anyone in management read this, I won't be killing anyone it's not an actual threat)
Locker room banter has been reduced lately to how big my ass is and that it might have it's own gravitational pull.

There has been a lot of talk about boob-jobs lately...for some reason it appears that the 90's are back and everyone wants melons again.

Me: you know how I get these abs?
Stripper: No, how?
Me: I do twists like this(doing twists) followed by this...Random flex pose with a facial expression that looks like I ate a lemon.
Stripper: you should make a you tube video of your work-out it would be hilarious.

...Laughter ensues, photo to follow.

Manager: All the crazy stuff that happens around here you should write a book.
Me: You are the 5th person this week to say that. I might have to work on my horrible english first.

Customer: How did you recognize me I'm wearing a wig.
Me: I'm observant, the way you stand gave it away...actually that's a lie, actual hair metal rockers don't wear such nerdy shoes.
Customer: Damn, I knew I should have worn different shoes.

Last time we were here.

Last time I sat on the couch I am currently sitting on to write this blog I was crying uncontrollably. I was in the darkest of dark places. Darker than Little Darlings and that my dears is a basement. On the bright side of all of this. I am in a much better place at this point I have come to terms with certain things in my life...Like being a stripper again. Yes hard to believe I RED had a hard time with being a stripper for a moment as I am such a proponent of this industry if you can hack it which leads me to my next point.

A friend of mine was chatting with a girl online. By chatting I mean he was using an online dating service (I live vicariously through my friends in this way) He was telling me about this girl and that she had said she was a stripper. I thought that it would be really cool if he took this opportunity to get a really inside view of a strippers life rather than just mine because I might be just a little bit different than most...Here we have the stripper in her natural habitat, notice the skittish movements and slight aversion to daylight...fascinating. I'm kidding of course, most of the girls I know are great.

Anyway it came about that she was lying about being a stripper. I think that, lying about this job is probably one of the strangest things you could lie about. Why would you? Having gone on dates with people it has become pretty apparent to me that men don't think it's very "cool" to be dating a stripper. Typically it's a deal breaker, or it will eventually become a deal breaker.

My dear friend knowing that there are many pros and cons to this job gave her a little what for as she apparently stated something, something, about morals. Saying that there are may respectable strippers in the world and we happen to have morals, we just do it as a job (a job that I love) but still a job.

I really wish I had the option of talking to most people that feel that strippers don't have morals. I wish I could give them a small glimpse into my life and prove to them that we don't just shove thousands of dollars of drugs up our noses a month. We don't sleep with everyone that shows interest. We really don't have a low self-esteem. That in fact our ego's occasionally are a little over inflated. We have very normal lives. Some of us have children, are on the PTA, outside of work we don't really dress sexy, we try to cover as much as we can.

It's absolutely ridiculous to assume we don't have morals. It's even more ridiculous to lie about being a stripper. On that note...

Dear Random Internet Girl,
Amateur night is every Thursday. It's a couple hundred dollars if you win, or we (the club) will cover your license should you choose to be a dancer. Then you don't have to lie about it to impress people, you can experience first hand the look of disappointment on people faces, or should you get really unlucky the random dude that reaches out to grab your boob because he thinks you are easy. But really with any luck you will get lucky and find out who your real friends are and learn to live a tiny double life, but not a double life in a bad way if you do it correctly.
Kindest Regards,
RED.

The hot chick...no I'm not talking about the movie

First and foremost I would like to state that I have fallen in love with limonata all over again. I might have to pick up a case on my way home.
I was having coffee with one of my dear friends and her boyfriend this morning before class and before they had to head to work. We were at one of my favorite neighborhood spots, that is entirely beside the point. We have all been friends for a really long time. We were sitting talking about hot chicks and what exactly makes a hot chick. This conversation came up as the 19 yr old in my class asked me out to coffee and we were sort of laughing about it. Well my friends boyfriend commended him for having the balls to ask out the older super hot chick (hence the hot chick conversation). They both turned to me and said RED you are what makes a hot chick. I said that was absolutely ridiculous. The friends boyfriend turned to me and said "Just because you see yourself as the nerdy girl with glasses and braces does not mean that's who you are" Side note, no I will not post photos from that era of my life.
Anyway this got me really thinking about what the hell is a hot chick. Do I actually fit in that category? I always think about my personality first, I mean I think I'm fucking hilarious, I think I have great style, and I think I listen well. On so many occasions at work men have really said to me "You are too pretty to be here" My first question is what the hell does that mean? Should I be an executive of some company based solely on my looks? OK back to the hot chick question, in some ways I suppose I am I have boobs, I have an ass. I have a red flag for hair. Maybe I do fit in the category but hot chicks look like Lily from Showgirls and Charlie from Dreamgirls. They have impeccable make-up and and take forever to get ready. Mind you Lily is a good friend of mine and I think she is so insanely gorgeous. If you don't know her you should find her she's amazing. Charlie and I aren't really friends I just know about her. Anyway I can be out the door in 10 minutes even if it is a work day I have this make-up down pat. I don't even wear make-up outside of work.
On that note can I get a clarification on what exactly a hot girl is because google is just pulling up porn. Thanks!