Like a Bullet...

Sometimes I wonder how Bullet got her name. This last couple of weeks drove it home on how and why. She's kind of like a person trying to shoot a pistol with one hand. She wavers a bit and all you can think is "Oh god, I hope I'm not in the line of fire" I have felt like I always have been one of the first she has aimed for, maybe that's because we were best friends. I specifically remember one trip down to portland when we were in the car talking about being friends and she said "I can't think of anything that could come between us" I should have known right then everything was going to explode.

Every time I even consider going to portland I think of her and how well we worked together and how much fun we had. I also think of how my grade suffered from sleeping in, and drinking boxed wine, and eating shitty chinese food. I look at where I am now and where I was then. Maybe I was more fun then, maybe I was just plain wreckless. Right then I had nothing to lose, my family lives thousands of miles away and no one was counting on me so I think at that time I did not give a fuck about what I did. Then I think about now. I have my dog, I have one small thing in the world depending on me and that makes me a responsible adult. I just gave myself new fitness goals. So I can't be eating crappy Chinese food and drinking a gallon of wine.

Anywho...I'm heading back to Portland soon, only this time I won't be traveling with a loose pistol. I can honestly say at this point even though I miss her and I miss how much fun we had, I am so glad we are no longer friends.

GVS strikes local strip club....

For those of you unfamiliar with GVS it is a horrible illness known in it's entirety as Golden Vagina Syndrome, it typically inhabits the bodies of newer strippers. One of the girls in my locker area is currently suffering from it.

I walked into work last night and it was crowded in my area, I couldn't turn my big butt around without running it into someone else. There is this younger stripper in the back having a conversation with one of my fave girls about fighting, and how she doesn't talk shit. Let me also interject that she's wasted, she puts down at least a 750ml bottle of Vodka every night she works She is continually saying how she doesn't say anything that she just leans back and smiles, before she picks up the heaviest thing she can find to swing at someone...First off this is dumb, you are currently talking shit, and there are a bunch of bitches back here who would happily prove you wrong.

S (another fave of mine) is talking about how crowed it is and that people need to move and get on the floor so there is space to get ready. GVSS (golden vagina syndrome suffer) is also talking about how it's crowed, but she's not getting ready she's just milling about, S tells her to get out since she doesn't have a purpose for being back there. She also drops that she might drop kick her if she doesn't. I chime in with "If you don't need to be back here Get The Fuck Out" She decides to come back at me with "Bitch don't tell me what to do" I'm caught a little off guard, I was merely chiming in, and yes I wasn't being very nice, I'll admit it, she annoys me. At the same time she can be so sweet when she's not drunk, nicest girl, she's caring, funny, and all sorts of other things, but when she's wasted and around other newish strippers with egos she's fucking awful. I retorted with, "you're the one that said you couldn't breathe so fix it. She starts talking to the girls around her all while she's within arms reach of me saying "I wish a N*g* (you get the idea) would" Other girls are trying to calm her down, it's not working so I open my mouth again and I'm like "Hey I was joking, calm down" She pipes back with "Don't fucking tell me to calm down, never ever tell me to calm down, I will fuck you up" At this point I'm waiting for this drunk bitch to punch me. I'm thinking there is about to be a locker room fight, because this bitch keeps running her mouth every night. She leaves to smoke.

L comes down and says that GVSS is upstairs saying everyone is being bitchy and to tell her if I'm talking shit. I turn to L and say please tell her I'm talking shit, that she needs to quit drinking so much and running her mouth. I don't think it ever got back to her. We started talking about how great she is when she isn't drunk, as I mentioned before she's awesome.

She comes back down, L says "I hate drunk people they totally annoy me" GVSS "Says oh I'm sorry I hope I'm not annoying you" L "I didn't even notice" L then turns to me and says "Red wouldn't it be awesome if we could actually fight people and not get fired for it" I smirk and say "Yup it would be pretty rad" Sometimes it would be nice to just get it out rather than squawking at each other. Or for the girls that talk a big game to actually bring it to the table. This statement quieted the whole shit talking forum that was happening.

GVS is a dangerous thing, it can turn a whole club against you. This girl is really working on making some enemies with all her drinking and acting like she's the top bitch. She's also one of those girls that talks about how much she weighs or doesn't weigh. She's cute don't get me wrong. She has big boobs, shes Puerto Rican, she's pretty. One night she was all like blah, blah, blah, I weigh 120 blah, blah, blah. The thing is I look lighter than her, I might just be lighter than her but I'm also super muscular, to the point people comment on what good shape I'm in, not in an overly done way yet. I work out. I run, I try to stay active, I feel pretty fit. This girl follows that statement with I'm an athlete, my whole family consists of athletes I'm just too lazy to work out. UMM WHAT THE FUCK! YOU ARE NOT AN ATHLETE UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY WORK OUT, JUST FYI. Statements like that obviously annoy me. There are those of us that work hard to look a certain way and I don't need anyone negating the work that I do. I so want the best for this girl, I really want her to quit being delusional, before someone slaps some sense into her.

Narcolepsy? No I think I'm just really tired.

Last night I dropped by work to look at the new Showgirl of the Month poster, as per request of the showgirl, who is an amazing girl named Claire, you should all come down and see her, she is one of  the funniest kindest girls I know.
Anyway while I was there I was talking to Skylar in the locker room about how school was going and if she had midterms coming up. We ended up on the topic of what time we both go. I go at a more reasonable time than ever in the morning. I have previously had class start at 8am. There are many a day that goes by when I haven't even pulled myself out of bed by 8am. She goes at a really reasonable time that allows her to get a normal amount of sleep and maintain a pretty normal life. As we are chatting all of a sudden she blurts out "When do you sleep?" Something about that totally stuck with me. When the hell do I sleep, I mean I know when I sleep, I sleep for a few hours, then I grab 10-30 minute naps throughout the day. I exist solely on naps, caffeine and the afternoon bag of skittles. I know I have talked about this at great length before, but I swear I cannot fucking wait for the day I look back on this and realize how much I really did. Honestly right now I don't think about it till someone says something. Right now it feels like I'm just not doing enough.
I never see my friends, I'm always tired, and I'm always scrambling to do something. All of this goes on while other people live extremely busy lives as well but don't seem to have the same level of panic that I have.  All this being said I need to slap on my face and head out for the day.
Here's not not having a narcoleptic episode in class. Fingers crossed.

"You're the extra ton of cash on my sinking life raft"

You're the good things... One of my favorite songs by modest mouse.

 Recently this comment landed in my inbox. I get a fair amount of mail, wether it be wives asking advice about there husbands, or just general banter. This one, something about this one got me...

"I have to admit I have been reading your blog now since October of last year (long story of how I got here, not important at the moment), and I have to say I am constantly captivated by what you write. That is, the blogs like this one where you seem focused and have a point to the story. The short blurbs about hating your manager are more entertaining than captivating but I digress.

The reason why I am commenting now is that lately I find you really need something positive in your life to happen. Something to show that everything you're doing with your life is not all wasted on idiot people who don't give you the love and respect you deserve. Whether or not you take away a positive from this, do know that you have positively affected my life in small but powerful ways. Everyone has real life "grown up" problems, but you deal with some very heavy shit. No matter how bad it gets though you not only pick yourself up but you continue to try and pick up the other people who have faltered as well. It is inspiring to know that there are still truly good people out there trying to make the world a little bit better.

To wrap up, thanks for giving me a little inspiration to keep on fighting not only for myself but for the ones I care about"

I should preface with I'm not upset in any way shape of form by this comment, I just want to write about it. 

You are correct sir. I have been a little negative lately. Everyone has their own battle to fight, and everyone is fighting that battle everyday. My battle is not really very horrible at all. Sure, I've lost, lovers, and friends, we all have, and for various reasons. Life doesn't really give up more than we can handle, or it shouldn't anyway, we all find a way to make it though somehow. 

An old boyfriend of mine once said that he appreciated my job, since I pulled really positive things from it. Like ...how people work in interpersonal relationships. Specifically a friend of his who didn't know me came and and ended up getting a dance from me. He told me how he had just broken up with his girlfriend, and he was pretty upset about it. Having my own experiences with relationships it didn't occur to me that men could really be that upset about losing a girlfriend. There are two sides to every story, and at that moment I had only seen things from my side, which was this side of a breakup. It was incredible that a man could love a woman so much and still let her go. It gives/gave me so much hope that someday someone will love me enough to cry on a strippers shoulder about my leaving.

I suppose I see it really frequently in my line of work. Men who absolutely adore their wives, who will talk endlessly about them if given the chance, and maybe that's just it they would like to tell a women (that isn't their wife) they find beautiful and intelligent, who seems slightly unattainable, that they had obtained someone like her, and convinced her to marry him. Most feel their wife is incredible, and not only is she the bees knees, she did something amazing and agreed to have his children. WHOA! It's probably one of my favorite realizations of this job, that men are not all bad, and some of them love unconditionally.

I will remember when I leave this job and move back into a corporate environment, that there is zero reason for a team not to work. Hell I'll remember it next quarter. If 50 women who are all competing to make the most money, based on their looks, their ability to hold a conversation, and a few other totally menial things, can get along without killing one another, and even form incredibly solid friendships, any team can work together. I'm quite sure no other team operates at we do. I'm amazed everyday by the sort of dysfunctional family love that occurs in the strip club.

I have seen the wall of racial barriers fall in a strip club. People from all different backgrounds come together every night and have a great time. Girls defend one another. I always feel like there is someone to catch me if I'm going to fall off my heels there. I would say I'm incredibly lucky to have the experiences I have most of the time. 

I mean mind you it's not sunshine and champagne everyday. Right now there are a bunch of girls who annoy the shit out of me, but that's life, it doesn't keep us from having out lockers right next to each other, or doing double dances, or holding a simple conversation.

He was right, I have found some of the greatest things about people in my little basement of a strip club. I still say that even now, if given the choice knowing that I would go though everything that I've gone though, if I was given a second chance at this, if I would go though with it. HELL FUCKING YES I WOULD. I would do the whole damn thing over again. 

Truth be told I have a great life. I am privileged enough to be able to continue to go to school. I have a couple really good friends. I have a gorgeous baby dog, that cracks me up everyday. An apartment I'm comfortable in and that I love. A family I love and care about. Everyday is good in some way.

I really means a ton to me that you find inspiration in my blog. 

Someone said there would be a prince...

 not the artist formerly known as Prince, or Prince, I'm not really sure what his name is now.

I think Walt Disney told me there would be a prince when I was about 5, that all I really had to do was give up my voice, or take a really long nap and he would show up. Well I suppose with enough valuim, I could make it feel like no time had passed at all and I had just been asleep waiting...FAT FUCKING CHANCE I WOULD EVER DO THAT I GOTTA GET OUT THERE, MOVE AROUND.

That being said I don't need no knights in shining armor on their little ponies, I brought my own horse, and I don't ride this thing side saddle. I've been thinking about independence as a woman lately. ONLY because my youngest sister is OBSESSED with romance. Everything is about romance, about finding "the one". I can't actually make fun of her too much because I feel like at that age I probably felt similar. I think it was more the idea that I could escape with "the one" that we would disappear to a far way place where nothing in my boring little life existed. I found out a few years later that I didn't need someone to swoop me up, and take me away from everything, that I could swoop myself up and get on a train alone, and head out to the "lonesome crowded west". That I could work two maybe three jobs, put myself though school, find an odd love of textile art in various forms, have a career and then walk away from it only to start the process again.

When I was 13 I read the series "Dealing with Dragons" the main character is a princess who runs away from her wedding and lives with a female dragon. Different princes attempt to come save her so they can win her hand in marriage. She always brushes them off and if I remember right typically saves their ass (no prince needed) I think when I look at my formable, need a prince, don't need a prince years, reading those books (no joke 14 times) really drove the idea home that I absolutely didn't need a god damn "prince" to do shit for me, and the chances of finding one that wouldn't need me to save them pretty slim.
Truth be told I don't need a man to buy me diamonds, I can and do buy my own damn diamonds. Really every man has disappointed me in relationships. I could go though their blunders and mine, but we would need more time.

I want my sisters to grow up knowing that if they have a dream they should follow it, to never let a partner, or anyone for that matter hold you back. If I had listened to everyone tell me no my whole life, I would be living in Wisconsin doing nothing.

I hope so much that she is more similar to me than she puts on and that it is not the appeal of a man, but the appeal of adventure that drives her. You can get a man anywhere, but an adventure, well sometimes, you need to get on a airplane, train, car, bus, bicycle, motorcycle, or your own two feet, to have one of those, and sometimes I feel like if you settle down you don't get to have those adventures, that you give the adventure a little bit for something a little different like a house. I for one am not exactly ready to give up my adventurer status. At the same time I suppose if one is talking about adventures and partners that you try to find one that is just as up or down for the same adventures as you are.

Promises, Promises, Why do I believe...

A year ago my best friend beat me to the punch. Told my then boyfriend he should break-up with me. Stole my thunder. Why you may ask. Well that little fuck-tard drove to my place so god damn shit faced he couldn't talk, couldn't walk, couldn't speak. So he passed out in my bed, I called him an ass-hole and hit him with a pillow. She told me I had brought violence into it. Maybe she's right, maybe I did, but I think a pillow whilst passed out is a minor offense. This story is not about him. This story is about a whole year...and about her. She promised me she would be there for me in the break-up and that was a bold faced lie. She said she wouldn't answer the phone because she didn't want to be yelled at. My opinion, don't open pandora's box. Anyway...I got though that break-up...alone. Well with the help of one good girlfriend for as long as she could stand me. This whole past year changed my life, it changed my entire trajectory. I had a best friend who I did everything with. I think I can count on two hands the number of times I have seen her in this past year. Something changed. Some sort of small stream was put between us and that small stream turned into a river and that river turned into an ocean. Out of that break-up I am more upset that I lost my best friend, rather than some fucking alcoholic ungrateful coke-head.
In this past year I have run 3 half marathons. Without her saying "I don't want to answer the phone, because I don't want to get yelled at" I would not have had the motivation to run those.
I have pushed though school even when it was a bad idea.
I lost another friend to them being stupid and drunk and calling me a bitch. People that I thought were there for me though thick and thin have disappeared into the night just like the arrived. It's like I'm standing under a street light, watching people walk up to me, having a great time in the glow of that light and then watching them disappear into the night again.
I watched a ex-get married.
I watched the one that got away get engaged.
I came to the conclusion, that I might be happier alone, and that I have a whole lot of work ahead of me if I want to be an adult.
I watched my sisters get a little older.
I acquired something worth coming home to, of the small furry sort.
I made a great running buddy, who I couldn't be more thankful for. Whom has been a greater, help and influence on my life than they may realize.
I've said no countless times.
I've cried more tears than I care to think about.
I've also come across a few men who will cry when you tell them no, or throw temper tantrums, or camp out on my lawn, whatever really suits their fancy. HEY YOU CRAZY SOUTHERN FUCK! MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP JOCKEYING STRIPPERS NUTS (our figurative nuts of course) AND YOU WON'T BE EMBARRASSED SO MUCH. HOPE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOUND OUT YOU ARE OFF YOUR FUCKING ROCKER.
I've gotten in fights.
Every single battle I've encountered this year would have been just a little bit easier if my bestie was there to laugh at it with me.
This weekend was the nail in the coffin. I had been vacillating on wether or not to have her watch my dog. A different friend of mine is thinking of getting a bulldog, and I knew that Bullet (that is her name) had a lot going on. So I thought it would be a good idea to send the dog to my other friend. In my hurry I fogot to tell her. I did my best to make it up to her, I tried to put money in her account which she denied.
She decided that she is completely done with me. Like unfriended on facebook done with me. I feel like this is/was some sort of excuse for the ocean between us. Maybe we really don't have anything in common anymore, maybe I'm disappointed in her for the choices she's made. I mean this women inspired me to go back to school, to always work hard, you use my voice, I am incredibly sad to see her go, over a stupid cancellation. Honestly now that I think about it. She had said she turned down another dog sitting gig to watch my pup. Since when do friends charge you to watch your dog? I've never charged her. Also it's a fucking cancellation in which I tried to pay her. What the fuck is she mad about? She didn't even have to work for that money. If she had another gig come up she should have fucking told me. This whole thing is fucking stupid.
Honestly. There is some unspoken resentment between us. I think I'm really upset and mad at her for what she did a year ago, I forgive her, and I'm mostly over it, but I just haven't trusted her ever since. I'm upset that she dropped out of school. I was so looking forward to one of us having a phd and watching her do something she loves. I'm upset with her for having to quit dancing. I'm mad at her for never acting normal around me again after last year. I understand that, we had a fallout but when you act like a wierdo afterwards how am I suppose to think nothing is wrong. Sure I understand you don't like me yelling at you, maybe you were yelled at as a child, but if you were listening you would understand I'm not yelling at you, I'm just fucking yelling at no one. I'm just yelling to yell, because sometimes if feels fucking awesome to yell, and I have to be so god damn calm all the god damn time that I just want to yell.
I wish from the very bottom of my heart. I had a time travel machine. I would back it up a year, and beat her to the punch. I would walk into where he was getting his liquid breakfast on, and say "You're drunk, it's ten fucking am. I am so done, get your shit out of my house." Then I could have jumped in a car gone to her house, we could have shot bb guns at beer cans and acted like nothing ever happened. She could have been there for the break-up like she promised because it would not have been nearly as hard, it would have been just one more amazing day in paradise. Rather than this fucking bullshit..

vacation all i ever wanted vacation HAVE TO GET AWAY!

Lately I've been bitching a shit ton. I apologize to all if I'm bringing you down, but it's been one hell of a month leading up to vacation. In fact I'm concerned I'm about to jinx myself, as I still have two more days to make it thought. GOD DAMMIT I'M GETTING THOUGH THEM. I think I will feel the most reward if I push though this rather than skipping out early.

I feel like I really need this vacation right now. All the craziness that's been happening at work lately. Some stereotypes surrounding strippers are true, such as a history of abuse (not me) but for some it's very real and lately people have been extremely open with talking about it. I don't know what to say most of the time, it's like when someone dies, and not knowing the correct thing to say.

That being said, internet I need your help. I need to be pointed in the right direction to point these girls towards affordable therapists, or peer counseling, or something, anything really.

Somedays this job is the most emotionally exhausting thing on the planet. I've got douche bags and crazy ass bitches.