Talking shit about a pretty sunset

blanketing opinions that I"ll probably regret soon. So I've been bad about writing blogs I've been bad about being on periscope so I'm going to try and fix both this morning. I've just had a lot of personal stuff going on so I just ended up putting all this off. I acquired new roommates so lets see how that works out since we all know I have terrible judgement when it comes to people. Lately at work I've been really having issues that are seriously fucking with my self esteem. Like you're soo cool I just want to be friends with you. Or I wish I had met you sooner so I could have spent money on you. So I suppose really I am going to get into work early. I quit drinking, which makes work a lot harder I mean in the beginning it was easier but now I get so stressed working with a certain manager who gets mad at me for talking shit on my blog.At the same time that's what blogs are for talking shit, and when shits fucked up and you can't make any money it sucks. Here is the thing I wouldn't talkl shit if things were normal, like my backrent is through the roof however I do at least a room a week, I pay out when I can, however when there are only 4 guys In the entire club and I can't get in edgewise it makes it a lot harder. Also we've just had so much drama with the girls lately. Like so much drama. I'm hoping that with the change in girls will bring back the better guys. I mean my anniversary happened recently so I know I can make money that's just the hard thing. You would think the money would be enough but sometimes it's not and I still love my job. So to all of you who say maybe I should change jobs I'm not going anywhere. I'm just at a different place in my life I want more out of it. I want to enjoy some part of it every day and I haven't been. I want happiness I want to make money like I did. I'm back to square one of how did I used to do it. Was it that I would talk to everyone. Was it I would drink a bunch first. What made me money, was it my confidence I mean I know that was part of it. I had brass tits and I could talk someone into anything. I could make you belive, and maybe I've been too friendly and not sexy enough and that's what I need to bring back. I need to go back to listening to music on the way to get in the mood. I need to remember the amount of people that have called me sexy...it's a dumb amount. I need to write some positive affermations so I can avoid the fact that management doesn't care about me and is looking to fire me right now. I need to get back to being there at 8pm on the weekends and just crushing. Putting my clothes out 1st putting my make-up on here. I guess there is a lot. I forget how great I am because I don't hear it from mgmt. I don't get a nice job thanks for selling a few hours of rooms. Again this is where the money should be enough. I should be enough but I'm not. I'm in stripper limbo I look 23 but I'm 30 I only have a few years left at this and I need to finish another degree, and really put my back into it. That's the crappy thing about doing this for a while you profile people and you miss out on money. I need to stop doin that like asap. Tomorrow I'm going in early getting on the floor by 9. Talking to everyone if I have to poach them as they walk in the door. I'm going to have a great Friday. I'm also going to wash my lucky underwear for this one. I've got my hair in curlers already I should be able to turn the sex up to the gigawatts. I mean really even though pixie called me conceited I am actually pretty attractrive when it comes to whos who in the club. I have to remember I'm there for me and no one else. Also that I can't worry about people they are adults they choose what they wanto to do. I just need to make them choose me again and it can't be that hard I mean really I'm experienced. I'm just having anxiety about nothing that's really whats happening here. When I make money I'm less anxious so I can totally do this. It recently came out an ex of mine hated my job thought it was toxic thought I needed to get out of it but did absolutely nothing except move to la to help me on that one. I don't think he ever saw the confidence that it brought me I mean hell he just saw me In sweats, and lately I haven't been trying at all so maybe just getting ready during the day would help. Getting my place put back in total neat freak order. I don't know there is so much I need to do to still work on the past two years of my life. I need to confront someone who assaulted me, I need to write some letters to some people who hurt me and that I hurt. Ugh I'm not ready to quit this job, so I cant I keep saying I feel like I have things to finish in it and I do and now I think I have some clear goals on what they are, I need to chase down some happiness. I need to spend some time in pdx. Speaking of pdx I know I keep promising to come down but I need to pay my rent on my apartment 1st then I'll be down for a couple weeks so have no fear i'll be their soon. I promise that and I need a break from seattle again. I need to 1. prove that I'm worth something here so maybe in a couple weeks i'll be down since if I follow throw with everything and then disappear it would be better. I don't know I'm back in a rut and for no reason. I need to pull myself out and get excited about making money again and not caring about peoples feelings that much or if I look bad moving from person to person just really pull myself together. I have a few hours I can totally do this.