How to piss Red off in 3 minutes of less

Please note the areas in dark grey are not for weak stomachs
When I walk up to you grab my ass, I don't mean accidentally run into it because it's large I mean grab it and if you could go for either my but crack like you are digging for treasure or (fellow strippers will know what I mean by the following) the part where my butt cheek meets my leg which is uncomfortable close to my vagina. THEN draw me so close to you I literally can't see straight while I talk to you.
While your talking to me tell me how you have worked hard for every penny( basically saying that I have not) then tell me that my company doesn't pay me enough. I will of course flip my hair to the side and very sweetly say "Sugar they don't pay me at all" go on talking like you care.
Oh and please continue to touch me in ways I don't like after I have told you to stop. At this point I'm going to tell you that you need to pay for it. You know if you could say something like...What you don't like it, it will get me to the point where I reach down slam my palm into your dick and grab onto it like I've just lunged for a climbing hold while bouldering. I will so enjoy watching you hunch over. At this point of course I'm going to ask you for a dance.
PLEASE SAY MY FAVORITE THING...You're so pretty...I would love to take you out instead...come back later.
this is my job, i'm not here to find a date, besides match.com filters out people like you for me. 
Tonight was pretty slow so I decided to take my chances with ol' smarty pants frat fucker tonight.
When I come back by I'm going to hit you in the dick with my clutch and you are going to proceed to tell me how much it hurt. I mean that's what you will do if you want to piss me off. I will ask you for a dance you will say something I don't remember and oblige.
We will head back to the dance area...and arrive at one of my least favorite booths. YAY isn't this fun.
I'll sit you down and tell you the rules like don't touch me inappropriately you will wine. Then should ask if you can put your finger in my ass. DON'T worry you can only if you lick whatever comes out (I'm not serious you can't really do that) You should say you will lick whatever comes out of my ass. I either want to see you deep throat a turd or hope that I ate a ton of fiber today and it's like spilling chili all over you. TMI...Nah just a vivid imagination. 

We will get stared and you should say stupid things like how you want my vagina in your face. You should do things like promise to buy me any house I want, and tell me that I'll never have to work again if I go out with you, and if it doesn't work out I can just leave you and keep the house.  Then when the longest 3 minutes of my life comes to a close and I ask you if you would like to continue you should say "We will see where this one goes" and I'll tell you it's over. You should go on to say how it isn't worth it and you expected more and basically tell me I'm a horrible person for following the law. Then tell me it's not worth $40. I'll go one to ignore your comments about me because well...I'M FUCKING AWESOME AND I WOULD RATHER GO HOME WITH LESS MONEY THAN LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR KNOWING THAT I LITERALLY JUST LET SOMEONE DISRESPECT ME. I'll go on to remind you that it's 20 and you will be ecstatic. I will promptly leave, and wonder to myself how I'm worth a house, but not 2 songs.

If you really want to get my goat I recommend telling a client(that is cool, and interesting and likes the melvins) I accidentally walk past you that I ripped you off.

Sugar you are right in a way the next time I see you I will rip you off. I'll rip you little dick off your disgusting body you sick fuck.

Other things, you can ask a waitress for me and then when I come over request a 3/4/40 and when I tell you no, you can tell me that you will wait for the 3/4/40 and me...I have news for you mister...IN SOME TIME.

At the end of the night you can tell me you are looking for a girl you heard will straight up fuck you in the VIP room...again...IN SOME TIME...LIKE FUCKING NEVER, unless I had herpes, then I would fuck you and your face.

There you have it folks how to make me angry in a matter of moments. Now get out there and do good things.

realizations

I have had one hell of a long day so I do not care that I have 7 minutes to eat my food and drink my cider then it's nuh-nigh time for this stripper. This soup is hands down the worst soup I have ever had. I should have made a steak, or some kale or something.

I realized today as coco was yelling at me over text for not blocking someone on twitter that I don't even know that she is somehow convinced is trying to steal me away I am yet again continuing down my spiral road of repeat. After her text, I text her back saying that I basically filled the space I had where bullet was with her, but since we only communicate via text it really was/is like having bullet around, it's someone to say crazy things to who I feel like understands me at times.

I started to ask myself if this was healthy, I'm still unsure. We will see if she decides to text me.

Other things I realized tonight. I hate explaining the law in Seattle, gentlemen I know it sucks, but please bitch to someone else, I'm not going to change my stance on it even if you ask me three times. Also someone please tell me how the phrase "You're really pretty equates to let me put my fingers in you and your boob in my mouth" I'm not seeing the direct translation.

Literally the worst soup ever of all time. Its so bad I'm going to stop eating it, and I'm fucking hungry so that's saying a lot. There now that's gone.

I also realized today that I've been avoiding my parents calls I'm not even sure why. I mean I'm going to see them in a couple of weeks so I had better figure it out. I think it's because I'm getting to the age where they expect me to get married but I've got nothing on that end. Also because they tend to treat me like a child. I'm older than my mom was when my dad married her. I'm also older than my cousin when she got married. I'm going to be the old lady with a million bulldogs. Which after reading it doesn't sound so bad.

I know I said I was going to PDX this weekend but it's going to have to wait until tomorrow.

I really embarrassed myself tonight. There was this guy who had been looking at me for a while, so I went up to chat with him while he was at the bar. I didn't realize he was waiting for Skylar for a champagne room. I apologized and she laughed it off but still embarrassing.

I'm beginning to get  a little, dishearten by people as of late when it comes to work, I hope that tomorrow is different and on that note I'm incredibly tired.

Dear VU...Fuck yourselves

Preface thats a hard thing to say because I know all of you so personally, I've been to your family dinners. WE HAVE HUNG OUT BEFORE but you are figuratively fucking me in the ass. So excuse me.


Some open letters to my company and a few patrons tonight.

Dear Vu,

I don't know if you have looked lately but I would like to remind you that I make you at least $2,240 that's the minimum. per month. It's more in the ballpark of 3000 That's at least the salary of a few people. I know I am one of the girls in my club that makes you the most money. I know that our club makes less money than others in the area...Regardless 2000+ dollars is nothing to scof at. I understand that you provide me with a space to work but I would like to talk about that space right now and your employees

Please explain to me why myself and my fellow dancers must deal with a toilet literally overflowing with feces onto our locker room floor for over a week. That is a health hazard, there is absolutely no reason for us to have to deal with that. Also while we are on the topic of bathrooms. Why must we have paper towels 10ft from the sink, again a safety hazard of dripping water all over the floor. You require us to wear heels please make it safe. Why do we constantly run out of toilet paper? Soap? Hand sanitizer? Why are the locker room floors never clean?

Lets talk staff. YOUR CONDESCENDING FUCKING STAFF! J I'm super sorry but THE WAY YOU TALK ON THE MIKE MAKES ME WANT CAUSE YOU SO MUCH HARM! which sucks because as soon as you are out of the booth your are a sweet heart. I FUCKING HATE THE WAY YOU SAY OOOOH DANCER NAME OOOH DANCER NAME YOUR UP NEXT. I HAVE NEVER MISSED A FUCKING STAGE AND I AM IN NO WAY HERE FOR YOU TO TALK DOWN TOO AT FUCKING ALL. Honestly girls talk about it, this is affecting your tips. Please just be you and be cool. Your waitress that dian to bring strippers drinks like we are the scum of the earth. Your managers that literally laugh in my face when the night isn't going well. Your security not walking me to my car. YOUR GOD DAMN FLOOR MANAGER WHO LITERALLY RUNS INTO ME EVERY FUCKING NIGHT I WORK LIKE I DON'T EXIST who does not stick up for us. Who claims we rip off customers.

As for bad nights...I literally do everything I can to get customers in. I'm on twitter, instagram, blogging, email. I promote more than anyone else and I get nothing, not even a thank-you from you. I am the team player. What more do you want me to do besides roofie people and steal their bank accounts? Which I would never do proof from all the smart phones and wallets left in booths I have also thanklessly returned.

VU...tell me, when did the most important part of your business become the part you treat the worst? The people that keep you fed, clothed, and sheltered, the people that do a job most of you couldn't because it is so emotionally and mentally and physically taxing are now not even worth a pot to piss in.

I am asking you to please remember that we are the reason you are in business.

I'm reaching the end of caring about other people and this company and busting my ass, losing sleep, and now money WHEN LITERALLY NO ONE GIVES A GOD FUCKING DAMN SHIT ABOUT ME. I could disappear off the face of the earth and the vu would not care.

Please reconsider how you run your business before you run it into the ground.
Thanks
-red

Ideal female bodies, doing the right thing, and tattoos.

I swear they all work together.
I'm writing a paper on ideal female bodies, or the media's idea on what women should look like. Basically everything says you should look like me...but taller. The odd thing about this paper is it has made me so self conscious about what I wear, how I look, how other people are looking at me, but only while I'm at school. It's so strange as soon as I get to work none of that matters it all goes out the window. I just look like me then, or how I wish I looked all the time. I'm so confident at work, I'm strong, I'm a badass who is scared of very little. I am really working hard to transfer specific attributes I have at work to my "real" life.

It's odd before this (job) I worked in advertising I have been surrounded by beautiful women both inside and out since I was 18. I may have a warped vision on what beauty is, but at the same time I know that everything is photoshopped and it really hurts when other women openly compare themselves to models and pornstars.

I'm going to talk about poop.
This week while I was in the bathroom at school the girl in the stall next to me sounded like she had explosive diarrhea after her first initial whatever you want to call it I was waiting for the fart symphony to start, and it didn't I thought it sort of odd. So I waited and what I did here was not farts, it was the scraping sound of someone scraping the back of their throat to make them selves throw up. I stepped out of my stall washed my hands and thought...I should at the very least find out who this girl is. Also at that same time I thought "maybe your wrong, perhaps you should look at which way her feet are pointed" Well friends they were not pointed out towards me like they should be...Then I heard her spit. FUCK MY LIFE I FELT HORRIBLE and I didn't know what to do. My first instinct is always to grab someone and hold them close to me in hopes of a human connection potentially reaching them. I did not do that. She walked out. I so wanted to say something. I wanted to write her a note anything. As I walked down the hall I thought...Maybe she didn't feel good...Red you should go back tomorrow around the same time. Thats one of those things people have on routine. Sure enough today was the same.

Everyone always asks me what I think about while I'm at work. I think about things like this and how I am going to fix it, or help. I only have a few days...So I've decided to make fliers, and I'm going to post them in every single stall at school, talking briefly about the dangers of bulimia and how you can die from dehydration or throwing your electrolytes totally out of wack. How a stranger cares enough to post things. Then I thought I should include a number to call for this, maybe even a qr code so they don't have to take a photo or  slip of paper that someone could find it's just in their phone when they are ready.

I had an ex who would tell me not to meddle in peoples business and to just worry about myself. I called him because we are still friends to ask his opinion on wether or not I did the right thing. He said I should do something for sure, and that even though he said don't meddle that he appreciates how caring I am for strangers as he never has been and never will be.

Okay tattoos. I have two currently and all of a sudden I feel like I need another, it's like I won't feel whole until I have it...odd feeling because I feel fine without it. It's going to be of something girly like flowers that will age well. A reminder that beauty fades much like cut flowers, at the same time it probably won't hurt to slow down and actually appreciate beauty sometimes, even my own, as that is the one I tend to neglect, although it may not seem like it with the amount of photos I take...again a work thing. I also always want a reminder of spring and summer. Lastly listed but probably firstly thought...I just think it will be beautiful...Oh no I'm falling asleep. Stay tuned for tattoo updates.

make-up and girly stuff

I'm writing to calm my nerves right now.
I'm writing a paper on the idealized female body for my class and as I write it I grow more and more self conscious. It might also be the company I'm keeping as of late isn't as confident a one would hope. ANYWAY...I get self conscious reading bout how men like bigger boobs, and a particular hair color, and an angular jaw, and light eyes, etc. Then I look in the mirror and think wait thats me, not to sound like a crazy egotistical bitch but really at this moment in my life I am very fortunate to be all of those things.

This post is for the ladies mostly I've been wearing more make-up lately but not your normal make-up I guess all of it has some hidden benefit that is suppose to improve something about my skin or my eyelashes. That is except for the eyeshadow I wear to work. Also Tiger and I have been in search of the holy grail of eye liner and I think we finally found it. Actually most of these items are the holy grail of beauty products that I love. Mind you I hate wearing make-up I hate putting it on, it's just not my jam.

Preface none of these images are mine so please don't sue me.

I almost always wear this product by garnier because I almost always look fucking tired. It has a very light concealer in it and CAFFEINE! It will run you about $9 at any drugstore.

Lately, everyone has been talking about bb cream and how rad it is for you. There are a few things I look for when I put things on my face, which I try not to do very often. Typically I wear a moisturizer with sunscreen in it. Sunscreen is my security blanket it makes me feel like nothing is going to hurt my skin, and for some reason I love wearing that shit at work. I feel like perfume, and hairspray, and smoke, and mean words cant hurt me. Anyway I have been on the quest for bb cream. I tried Garnier I didn't really like it it made me look jaundice. The Urban Decay Naked broke my face out, and my face rarely breaks out so I was a little peeved. Finally I found the Dr. Jart bb cream, I guess they invented it so far it's pretty rad

Ok...bb cream has moisturizer, sunscreen spf 45 to be exact (awesome!), and anti-aging in it and some other crazy stuff that isn't suppose to be bad for you. This particular formula does not contain Phthalates which are bad...very bad.

The only issue I have with it is the price tag it's a whooping $45 I try to be thrifty and keep things to a minimum as you will soon find out. 

Moving on I rarely wear powder but when I do I wear 

TAH_DAH another bb product. I FUCKING LOVE SUNSCREEN SO MUCH! This little ditty has a tiny pit of shiny crap in it so I actually look awake when I wear it. Don't let the name fool you, you can get this jam at bartell drugs for about $12 I think

I'm saving the best for last in case you are waiting for the eyeliner to end all eyeliners.

I do wear a crayon/pencil eyeliner on my water line and have been doing so since I was 14 and allowed to wear make-up to school. There are two I use right now because the are incredibly black one is more pricey than the other but the lesser of the two is my fave right now. So I use Urban Decay 24/7 glide on pencil it's around $20 have no fear my fave at the moment is way less which is the Victoria Secret Precision something something pencil for $9

For mascara I wear maybelline colossal mascara for wait for it...wait for it...$6 bam it's a direct knock of the Dior show mascara which is $25

Previously I wore the mac nymphette lipgloss religiously. Mind you I still wear a lot of mac lipsticks and what not but I'm just going over my basics for the day.

Currently I'm wearing a lot of Revlon super lustrous in pink whisper. I like this gloss because it goes on perfect in one coat the glitter isn't chunky at all and it basically looks like the mac gloss ($15) and it's only $6 mind you I've gone through a lot of drug store brands to find the perfect one. 

I always wear eyeshadow primer when I wear eyeshadow. If you don't do this you need to. I can literally sleep in my make-up and have it look the same in the am. I wear Urban Decay. I previously wore their eyeshadow as well and I still do just not as much. This is also a pricey item. I swear I really try to keep the cost down on a lot of things. Anyway it's about $20 at Sephora or Ulta I at one point have tried every color of these I usually go with the original. However they just came out with an anti-aging one. If you can't tell I obviously have an obsession with anti-aging. 

When I'm at work I wear eyeshadow sometimes, only sometimes, usually it's just eyeliner and mascara. The eyeshadow I wear is made by two faced and it's their boudoir palette. It's also a little pricey $36. I believe in spending money on eyeshadow because I feel that it blends better and is a better pigment quality. 

Finally we are to the part you have all been waiting for the eyeliner to end all eyeliners. It is also made by Physicians Formula. It is about $11 dollars. It apparently is suppose to make your lashes grow with the lash serum in it. I just like it because you can sleep in it and it looks exactly the same when you wake up, and then if you are super gross like me sometimes, you can wear it all day if you don't have time to shower and it still looks EXACTLY THE SAME! Anyway it's the Physicians Formula Lash Booster 

There you go. My ENTIRE make up run down. Mind you I rarely wear this much make-up it's usually bb cream, under eye stuff, eyeliner (both of them), and mascara. Sometimes I skip the eye gunk and the bb cream and just roll with pencil liner and mascara. Most of the time I don't wear anything. 

Okay well now that I've procrastinated, and bored myself with this post, I feel way better about whatever was bugging me before. 

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I'm totally pouting, you should ignore this one.

My high school Principle once said to me...

"Red being pretty won't get you everywhere in life" I responded with I suppose you are right but it should get my foot in the door.

Little did I know it would get me literally no where.

Let me preface with I've had a long horrible day and this is me bitching about it. 

This all became very apparent to me as I was having drinks with a couple of friends moments before work. I stepped outside the bar to call a car so I could get to work. A line had formed at the door while i was in the bar and on the phone. My little female brain told me...You have paid for drinks already and this gentleman has already seen your id you can probably duck right back in with your friends and go back to what you were doing. BOY HOWDY WAS I WRONG! I get about half way across the bar when I'm met with someone grabbing my shoulder and shoving me back towards the door shouting at me to get to the back of the line, as I'm trying to stammer out, that I've paid for drinks and he's already seen my id. Doesn't matter get to the back of the line. I'm a little bit peeved at this point and the people in line are talking about me. The girls in front of me get in for free. I get there and the door guy is all "ID" I had him my id and tell him he's seen it and he was like "SO I HAVE" um quick question you let me in before, why the fuck would I leave to get a fake id and come back? Decided not to ask that question I was apparently hated enough at that point. I'm then told it's 7 dollars. No big deal. I open my wallet pull out a 5 and some change and start counting, I needed to off load some change. This dude looks at me and says I can tell you right now that, that is not 7 dollars. I'm thinking in my brain. I can count, and if I happen to be holding up your line maybe you shouldn't have been so fucking chatty with everyone else. So I do the wrong thing and hand him a hundred and ask him to break it...he doesn't have change. I settle for a 20. I walk back to the bar. I explain to my friends what happened. I finish my drink I grab my bag, I walk out the door 5 fucking minutes. I don't think that I fit in at this bar. Maybe it was the fact that I was wearing a nike tee-shirt? I don't know 

Earlier today in my writing class I was accused of being a trust fund kid. I wish I had a substantial trust fund...but I don't, I just work all the time. My fucking professor even got in on it. The thing is the last time I took an english class I dressed way down, like grundy punk kid down, I also don't know if I showered, I was going through a tough time you could say. Anyway back to today, so people are making fun of me for that. I'm equating this to pretty because people say your life is suppose to be easier. FUCK THAT NOISE IT IS NOT!

And another thing I'm tired of hearing no I don't want a dance you are too pretty. ISN'T THAT THE POINT? TO SEE WOMEN YOU DON'T THINK YOU COULD TALK TO IN REAL LIFE? 

I suppose none of this really has anything to do with being pretty. The door guy just wanted to make sure the band was paid as much as possible. Everyone in my class...how are they suppose to know any better unless I wear my stripper clothes to class. Which I just might do. I think I am literally just crabby today because I'm overtired, out of time, and feeling a little lonely even though I'm around people 24/7 So you all can just excuse my oh whoa is me, I'm going to pout blog post over here.