Then it happened...

I woke up this morning, and my first thought was "Why is my best friend calling me soooo early..." Followed by "I'm so glad I'm not dead, and I get to wake up to this view everyday." Let me clarify, there was no reason to think that I might be dead, except for well, no really I can't think of any reason I would be dead this morning. Anyway we have a policy were we all check in with each other if we haven't heard from each other in a couple of days. So I guess I've been MIA for a minute.

I went back to sleep for a second, to be woken up by another phone call, and my first thought was "MAN, that view, it just doesn't get old!" This phone call equally as pleasant as the first. It was a friend of mine who looked at some work I had done a little while back and wanted to call me to tell me how great it was. They want to say appreciated what I was trying to accomplish in life, that they respected my priorities.  Also if I was great at what I did before they could not see a reason why I would not succeed at what I'm trying to accomplish right now.

Then I finally decided, maybe after these really great phone calls, that it was the time to ruin my own day as I didn't feel like I should be so pumped so early. It was then I checked my grades.  I swear I almost cried, tears welled up in my eyes. Not because my grades were bad. They were acceptable, they weren't perfect, but they were pretty close. Considering that I never feel like I can study enough, they were close, and maybe had I studied just a little harder they would have been perfect. Or I can quit being so hard on myself and accept that they were pretty close to perfect, and no one would really say they were not good enough. It was right then I appreciated all the social time I had blown off over the summer, all the times I could have been drinking at the beach, that I chose to stay home and study on my roof, that I could have slacked off so much had more fun, all the times I was totally harsh with people and stuck to my guns on saying no, that it finally paid off.

The reason for the tears stems from last night. I am told so many times, that I'm great, that I am an awesome catch. Last night one of the girls right before I left was just going on and on about how if she was a man, she would do everything in her power to snatch me up and never let me go. For some reason as she's going on and on about how motivated I am,  about how smart I appear to be, how gorgeous I am, how normal I am, how if her son brought home a girl like me it would be a proud day in her life, etc...I was totally preoccupied with the thought that I didn't think I had done well in my classes, that I have another half marathon to train for, the laundry I have to do, that I totally brushed off the things she said.

I have heard it from all angles lately, that I'm pretty awesome. One of my best friends has a saying, "If one person tells you, you have a tail, tell them to fuck off, if 20 people tell you, you have a tail maybe you should check". I have been so preoccupied with school, and work, and my family, and side projects, that I have totally forgotten about my tail.

Now back to our normally scheduled programing.

Writers block

Thankfully I don't do this for money so it's not a big deal. Digging deep looking for something good coming up empty handed...back to watching Sex and the City, hoping for some magical inspiration.

Another night another douche-bag

Here is a sampling of a few of the more interesting conversations tonight...

Customer: "You are so much more than this, this job is so deemeaning"
Me: "What the fuck did you just say about me and my job?"
C:"that you deserve better"
M" you understand that I love my job right?"
C"No, because I hate my job so how could you enjoy this"
M:" I work with people that will go to bat for me like family"
C:"Really? How did you create a bond like that?"

C:" Are you married?"
Me:" nope"
C:"boyfriend?"
M:" nope"
C: "girlfriend ?"
M:"nope"
C:" Really? You should be married you are too pretty not to be married"
M:"1. What does being pretty have to do with being married? 2. Because I don't want to be? 3. I don't think you really want to get into this"

C:" let me take you out, wait how much will it actually cost me?"
M:" 100k"
C:" are you serious? But I'm so nice?"
M:" yup very serious"

C:"...but I just wanted to touch them."
M:"and I wanted to physically harm you, do you see me doing that?"
C:"No you can't do that!"
M:" we'll you can't fucking touch me, and for that you get this..." grabs septum

L the manager:" this is my favorite part of the night, when you pay me"
M:"don't fucking start with me $160 and the lights in the back don't work, we run out of toilet paper and you hire idiots, fuck this nonsense"

Just moments before...
L:" where is Red?"
M:"I'm right here."
L"where?"
M:"behind the curtain, I'm the one behind the curtain that runs this shit!"

Even earlier
Girl 1:" I don't remember the last time I was sober"
Girl 2:"really? Me either"
Me...cringes, walks away, shakes head, hopes for best.

Customer trying to ask me out...
C"come on really that's how much you make a night"
M"uh...yeah."
C"well after you subtract house..."
M"I already did"
C"well what about your time getting ready and all this stuff you wear...after that it would only be a couple hundred?"
M"uh...okay fine well the the make up might cost about $60 so let's sub..."
C"NO, you have to depreciate it!"
M" double declining or straight line?"
C"straight line. How do you even know what that is?"
M:"I took accounting.anyway well in that case you are looking for a depreciation of 33 cents, you sure you want to do this?"
C"nevermind that works on the other girls."
M" well, wrong one to try and fuck with my dear"

M" are you a police officer?"
C" I was told not to say. I was told to say I'm an Italian chef."
M" okay...tell me your pasta recipe"
C" a cup of flour, two eggs"
M"pasta takes way more eggs than that, you aren't a chef at all, I bet you are a cop"
C" okay fine you got me"

You always want to be little spoon!

No, no,not me. I feel like I'm never little spoon.
This whole conversation started last night, while I was having a glass of wine with a friend I haven't seen in gosh 9 months. Only after I finished my first final, because I don't drink while taking tests. We were talking about recent conquests. This conversation had me laughing for over an hour. Why? I'm the most conservative stripper ever and I dont think of sex like that. Wait yes I do.
Anyway we were discussing proper bedroom etiquette, and manners, such as if the bathroom door is closed leave it that way. You never #2 in front of anyone, not okay. Always finish what you start especially if you finish early. Finishing early is only acceptable after a long dry spell. Leave before you overstay your welcome.
We had a brief discussion on dating people who might be a little batty. Only because I know a few of the girls that he has spent some time with. In the past couple years it appears that I just attract the ones with a screw loose.
Anyway it turned into a conversation about dating people under the age of 30 (which I swear to god I will never do again, and really 30 is pushing it, I think I need to make a rule that they must be like 7 years old than me or something.). How they happen to be children, almost literally I have found myself taking care of crying men. Now there is nothing wrong with crying when it's appropriate. Im down to be an ear to listen to whatever is on your mind, and if you are really sad about something I'm happy to console you.
It moved from there to the fact that I am rarely little spoon...Or there was the guy who wanted to sleep on my shoulder. Yes that's right my shoulder. Let me just state I still have a vagina and I'm curvy in all the right places so there is no way  to mistake me for a man.  I have never felt more masculine, than I did at that moment. Apparently that is what I have become. I've become both the man and the woman in relationships. I pay for dinner, I make dinner, I work my ass off, I go to school, and I'm always the big spoon. Someone is asking to get pegged and I'm not picking up on the hint.
It leads me to the question. What happened to all the real men? What happened to being challenged. Really what happened to getting to feel safe, not like you have to fight your own fights and maybe his too. I'm officially tired of feeling like I could kick everyone's ass, even the ones that are in the gym everyday. I mean I get it I'm pretty dominate...but come on! If you can't stand the heat get the fuck out the kitchen. Actually if you want to be the woman can you please get in the kitchen and make me breakfast, and don't over cook my eggs. 
This, this, is why I'm staying single. 

Current attitude...dont give a fuck

First and foremost I would like to say thanks for reading, I finally made it to 10,000 plus views. Pretty excited over here in Seattle.
Feeling a little cockier than normal this morning, which says to me...maybe I should go to work tonight especially because I will be skipping sunday...again. I suppose it is only if I get all my Econ reading done lé sigh. Speaking of I should be on my roof right now spraying on sunscreen I suppose I should also be forgeing for breakfast. Not being in my own home for 23 days sort of ruined everything in my fridge.
I suppose I should get down to writing about something relevant.
It's been a while since I have thrown the contacts in. I think it might be time to replace them and turn the fear back up. I think I'm getting a little too nice in my old age. I think it's all the sappy-ness around me has cultivated a new watered down version of me. Personal opinion at the moment, fuck that shit (has anyone see my bondage tape? Or know at lest wear I put it?). Perhaps it's all the weddings, again back to my picnic conversation about choosing my education over an actual factual relationship and maybe a little of choosing my job as well, but we don't talk about that. Speaking of when was the last time I did a pole spin without hands? Jeezus who have I become?

The game

Dating has been a huge conversation in the strip club as of late. 

IT sort of started with someone who is not a patron choosing to camp on my lawn. (No one panic, no seriously don't) That's a story for another time. The following is a collection of dating advice from strippers. 

1. Don't call him, whatever you do don't call him. 

2. He nutted on you? He should have called you have a couple of hours. 

3. Buy the book women love bitches. 

4. I don't care if he is nice, if he asks you out say no. 

4.1. Do not tell him what you are doing, he never needs to know. 

5. The first 6 months make it a chase men want to chase something not have it given to them. 

6. Don't be too nice. 

7. Don't be too mean. 

In other news I was reminded how my little family is dysfunctional. I was using the restroom and 2 other girls barge in, which isn't that abnormal considering we don't really have a doorknob. I lost my temper and yelled at them to leave as I had just been backed into a corner by squawking girls. On of the  girls I yelled to leave called me a bitch. I heard so many people through the door defending me that I actually just like to pee with the door closed. My girls, they are the best. I love them. I would not give up this job right now for the world. I mean I would consider it if the right job came along, but I fear that I will never find another group of girls like this again, that I am excited to see every night. 

Lick my ass...get hit

As I sit here eating macaroni and cheese for the first time in about a month and watch Fraiser, I can't help but think...
What is the fixation with my ass I mean seriously and how hard is it to follow to rule of "DON'T LICK ME"

Anyway tonight was interesting. Lets start with...
The 19 year old, who had never been to a strip club before. He was visiting from, somewhere I can't remember otherwise known as texas. He was pretty into our dance, but regardless of that. He started talking to me about his relationship and how his girlfriend has gone though some really rough stuff and expects him to be there for her for the rest of her life. I love a good love story as much as anyone else. I would love to see some high school sweet hearts work out and it breaks my heart that he doesn't want to be with her, and that he is doing the ever typical 19 year old thing and is cheating on her, but yet he's too scared to actually dump her. He said that he feels she just won't get over him. I tried to convince him that the best way to have a girl get over you is to tell her the truth especially if you are cheating on her (I mean how would I know I've nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvveeeerrrrr been cheated on) I wish I could tell her myself. Not that a 19 year old girl would take a stripper very seriously but I'm sure if anyone could convince someone that there are a million fish in the sea and she could have any of them.

Speaking of taking strippers seriously. Tonight I received one of the greatest compliments, a friend of mine who knows what I do said something like...I don't care that you are a stripper, in fact I think it's great, you are passionate about what you do. You are focused. In fact I don't think it says anything about who you are and is not a reason for people to disrespect you, nor do I think it's a scratch on your personality.

As for the ass licking. It is only a certain type of person who chooses to not follow the rules and they are always so surprised when my hand meets up with their face, as if I didn't warn them and I should feel bad...excuse me mother fucker two seconds ago you were treating me with less regard than you would treat a rug and I'm pretty sure there is something in there about karma. Karma just happened to show up early in the form of my hand and let you know that the universe was just a little bit unhappy with the way you were treating me. That being said I might not be a lady and you probably shouldn't treat me like one, but dammit I'm a woman and I demand just as much respect as any man.

Some quick quips to entertain you this morning...

Me: I want to go home
Manager: Can't you just stay and sell one more dance?
Me: You do realize I've already made up my mind, I'm tired, I'm crabby, and I don't see any sales in my future.
Manager: Fine, give me $60.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY NO! YOU CAN HAVE $50
Manager: Don't kill the messenger I'm just trying to do my job.
Me: FUCK THAT I'LL KILL YOU AND EVERY SUBSEQUENT MESSENGER TILL THE OWNER GETS HERE AND I MIGHT JUST KILL HIM TOO!
Manager: You know I sort of believe you...ok $50
Manager: Why do you have to be so scary all the time.
(for the record should the owner or anyone in management read this, I won't be killing anyone it's not an actual threat)
Locker room banter has been reduced lately to how big my ass is and that it might have it's own gravitational pull.

There has been a lot of talk about boob-jobs lately...for some reason it appears that the 90's are back and everyone wants melons again.

Me: you know how I get these abs?
Stripper: No, how?
Me: I do twists like this(doing twists) followed by this...Random flex pose with a facial expression that looks like I ate a lemon.
Stripper: you should make a you tube video of your work-out it would be hilarious.

...Laughter ensues, photo to follow.

Manager: All the crazy stuff that happens around here you should write a book.
Me: You are the 5th person this week to say that. I might have to work on my horrible english first.

Customer: How did you recognize me I'm wearing a wig.
Me: I'm observant, the way you stand gave it away...actually that's a lie, actual hair metal rockers don't wear such nerdy shoes.
Customer: Damn, I knew I should have worn different shoes.