Mid-weekend highlights, or there is always a silver lining to everything.

I'm wondering if my karma is throw off right now.
1. I smashed my phone.
2. My ex came in.
3. I cried at work.
4. I broke my shoes.

The universe is trying to tell me something, in fact it's yelling at me, but it's yelling at me in a different language

1. Smashed phone...I am finally adult enough to get insurance. So whooo upgrade for me 5s I'm excited.

2. Well JW and I were together his friend KK who encouraged him to dump me. I mean he would have dumped me regardless...But I really thought he never thought very fondly of me. I'm quite sure that hasn't changed. BUT! I think that he ending up with a raging boner is good enough for me. I mean I know guys get boners, but that, that one proves that he's just a person and no better than me, and I being a woman still have some power over him... and my bonder providing ability. HotChaCha I still got it.

3. I cried at work...Everyone breaks down every now and again, and sometimes it's good to cry in public to find out who your real friends are, sometimes it's surprising, but it's always good.

4. I broke my shoes...Got to bust out the ol' bondage tape and something about it, just made me feel like myself again.

I  think I'm officially an  at least there is something in my glass, and it's probably half full.

Even though this weekend has sucked super mushroom looking cock, there is always tomorrow, and it's a brand new day, and everyday is a good day to start over. Stand by for up coming resolutions for the new year.

I'm so tired of my posts

being so boring.

Frustration, leads to laziness, and laziness leads to...

Don't call it a comeback.
I've been thinking a lot about how I was when I first started this job. Lately I've been so frustrated and the whole stripper world seem so bad, and I know why I'm not making any money right now. I'm not following my own advice of staying out of the locker room, and talking to everyone, because there really is some good in everyone...Except for a particular brand of men who just want to put there hands wherever they seem to think is exciting.

So here we are. Almost a new year, and I'm going to dig deep tomorrow morning and re-find myself. This version of me isn't working and I need me back by tomorrow. There is nothing wrong with me, and lately I've felt like there is. I mean for real...I'm awesome, and excuse me as I toot my own horn again for the millionth time. I mean really, if I were a dude, I would want a girl, who worked out, who could cook, who had great style, who knew folks around town, who like drinking both classy cocktails and dive bars, who reads, who makes her own money, who wants me and doesn't need me, who is totally sexy, who loves workout clothes, and who also loves lingerie, who goes to school to better herself. I would totally date myself. I'm the shit and that's all you all need to know. I'm serious. I'm. So. Hot. I. Can. Do. Be. The. Best. And. I. Am...so I better start working like it, and acting like it.

1. Don't hang out in the locker room...ever.
2. Do make-up at home, before arriving at work.
3. Talk to everyone, find something interesting about everyone.
4. Shark walk gang.
5. Don't be so apprehensive about being a little rough with people, it made me $ before it should make       me $ again.
6. Be a little vulnerable, so I'm not so "INTIMIDATING" 

Previously, I never had bad nights. I want so badly to blame it on the club, or the construction, or blah, blah, blah.

But, tonight while I was talking to dais I made a good point. I have a body similar to a porn star, I'm great as you can see in the aforementioned items. There is zero reason that anyone should stay NO more to me.

So, now that I've blathered on for a million years...Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm grab it by the fucking balls, and then I'm going to make tomorrow my bitch.

Whine, whine, whine, I wish I had a glass of wine.

I don't even know if this is appropriate to talk about in my blog. I have no clue but it might help me to talk about it. My best friend no long wants to kick it with us on this planet, apparently we her friends are not enough, nor her family, or any puppies, nothing. She's taking all the right steps to prevent it, of course and wants it to work but doesn't know if it will work. Im so sad.

Another soon to be ex friend is incredibly mad at me because I have never really made time for them, or that I wouldn't give them a chance at dating me. I DON'T DATE, AND I HAVE MY REASONS HOW HARD IS THAT? Yes I'm busy anyone who knows me knows that I'm always busy, or tired, and I'm always, always, always late. Really though our "friendship" that I haven't mad time for they have gotten so mad at me and sent me just passive emails that put themselves down and it appears that they don't listen to what I'm saying, so I get a couple days of mean emails, then I get an apology email hoping that I will understand and forgive him. I mean this has been going on for a year. I think that I'm doing the right thing for them by saying I don't want to continue this cycle, and that it's incredibly unhealthily and I don't get any joy out of this so I don't see any possible way that they do.

Lastly my other best friend is questioning if I'm actually doing anything with my life since I'm not through school yet. If I will do anything with my life or if I'm just going to maintain. Also that no one would care if I colored my hair dark brown I really hope that's not what to seems like to everyone else(the school thing), but it may, and that would make sense I've been in school for a billion years.

When it rains it hails...and I'm debating with myself wether or not I want to go home for the holidays. It's going to cost me over 1,000 just for the plane ticket, then I have the car rental, and I know if I go home it's not a vacation, inevitably I will be running errands for my parents which is fine. What's not fine is their instance that I wake up at 7am. I really would like to be with my family on Christmas they are my world... I'm a horrible daughter because I don't want to spend somewhere in the ball park of 2,000 to not be on vacation.

Less than 15 minutes

To smash this blog out, eat, and get to bed, so I can wake up, and make thanksgiving dinner. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday it has everything that Christmas has but without the presents.

Tonight two men came in. The were both previously or currently in the armed forces, I'm not sure I didn't find out.

They were throwing paper airplanes made out of dollars at the girls. They happened to be awful at making planes. I said I would help but on one condition they would not throw any more dollars in that manner they agreed silly rabbits. Totally impressed by my airplane making abilities they asked me where I learned to make them and I said Hogwarts, because that's what's really going on here I am a wizard.
We started talking and the one with the bad mustache told me a story about someone throwing rolls of quarters at a stripper. They giggled and asked me if this was appropriate, after they realized that the look on my face was not enjoyment but horror, and disgust. Mustache guy asked me what the problem was, and I said anyone that throws change at a stripper obviously has a death wish. He followed up with something about being able to do that better because he was/is in the army. ( I think that's a dumb thing to brag about to start with, just so we are all clear) I then said...

R: Have you ever seen a stripper get angry?
MG: No, but I"m sure it's like any other woman getting angry I'm not too worried about it.
R: Well it's not, it's like the hulk basically, once the anger is there it doesn't stop, and strippers don't fight fair we are totally scrappy I wouldn't recommend it.
MG: I ran into a girls heel last weekend I'm no scared of your shoes.
R: A regular girl, or a stripper girl?
MG: A regular girl.
R: Ok, look at my shoes.
MG: Holy shit, those aren't shoes they are weapons.
R: Yes, exactly, now you get the point, imagine those coming at your head with the rage of every woman on earth behind it.
MG: They didn't cover that in hand to hand combat.

Okay, done, sleeping. I'll fix the grammar later when I'm like 60

I can't fucking do this anymore.

Preface If you don't want to hear me bitch right now please don't read this. Also in now way am I trying to offend an entire group of people. I understand that everyone is different which is why I have not given up completely on a particular brand of men, and I probably never will because the good ones are really great. 

I also know I'm about to have all fucking hell rain down on me for this post. The thing is if you have never done anything I am about to mention I'm not referring to you so...please don't hate me. 

Also I'm asking a lot of questions and I am truly seeking answers so I can better understand my clients, because if I don't want to be around you we aren't going to have any fun. I don't like threatening to brake bones, but I will because it's self defense, because most of this shit is sexual assault  and that is no laughing matter. To everyone else who is going to be concerned after reading this, don't worry, I'm fine, just annoyed.

Nothing bad has happened it's all been nipped in the bud as they say...Except for one thing, which is people putting their finger in my belly button, which is just the oddest fucking thing. I'm sure I could write a whole blog post about that. 



I don't understand why we are spoken to in a particular way, or treated like less than human for that matter. Let me give a few examples. I'll just cut to the chase and skip my whole intro to a sale...

Hi, what's your name? 
*hand in my face* IN SOME TIME.
Your name is "in some time"? 
IN SOME TIME. *hand in face*
Okay, my dear let me set something straight...one your in my chair, all of these chairs are mine, which means your in my house. I did not try to sell you anything, I'm not even sure if I want to sell you a dance. I like to sit down and get to know a person before I dance for them, because what if I don't like you? If I don't like you I don't want to dance for you, because it won't be fun for either of us. I understand you don't want a dance, but please at least be polite, let me get your name first, THEN you can say you are not ready for a dance. 
blank stare 

...would you like a dance?...
What does that entail?
Well...I'm going to run my mostly naked body down the length of yours. 
How much?
A dance is $20 dollars and it is the length of a song, I will ask you in between every song if you would like me to continue, to avoid any questions later. 
I want 2 for $20 (or sub in) I want 3 for $40 (or sub in) I want 3 for $30 (followed by) I want to touch.
You want to touch what? 
I want to touch your boobs. You will take off your top. I want to touch (hand reach for my lady bits) DEFLECTED. 
I'm sorry you can't do that, and sadly I'm not allowed to be topless during dances in Seattle. 
Why?
It's the law.
But I want to.
I'm sorry, I don't make the law. 
But I want to your boobs are so nice.
I know they are, I like them too, but that doesn't change anything 
*reaches for boobs*
I said no. We are done here. 

SIMILAR LINE. 
...I don't want to pay 20 dollars for a dance.
Okay I'm sorry, you can pay me more if you want.
I want 3 dances for $20 dollars and I want to touch everything/ I want to put your boobs in my mouth. 
My dear, dances are $20 and that is a reasonable price, it's far to low if you ask me. Every other place I dance at in the country is much higher and gentlemen are not allowed to touch me at all. You do realize this is the equivalent of me asking you to make me an app for my phone and not pay you for it right? You are basically devaluing what I do.
blank stare
But I want to touch you.
Absolutely not. We are done here. 

...same story line...
Why won't you let me touch you? 
Because it's the law. 
No it's not.
Yes, it is would you like me to show you? 
You can break the law for me. No one will know. 
I will know, and I can't, I will lose my job. I don't think you want to support me. 
Come on...
Uhhh... no I can't it's the law as I previously stated, and I'M NOT A FUCKING PROSTITUTE DICK FUCK. 
Well I need to touch you if I get a dance.

...
How much to have the sex with you. 
The sex? 
Yes how much. 
Well...I don't do that, so it doesn't matter. 
Yes you do. 
No I don't. 
Yes you do, my friend just had a dance with you and he said you did. 
Your friend is lying my dear.
No he's not. 
Ok...well I was the one giving the dance and I know what happened, so unless your friend has a very strange view of what sex is, it didn't happen. 
walk away

I want to do...any of the aforementioned myriad of things.
Um...no.
Well one of the other girls let me.
Did it ever occur to you, that if she lets you do it, then the likely hood of her letting other people do the same thing is really high? Also considering that I know who you are talking about in no way do I want any exchange of bodily fluids with that person. So...think about how many people you have shared her with.
I need those things so no I won't get a dance from you.  

A brief description of giving a dance...
Grabbing at me, pulling me down into their lap. Trying their best to get their hands wherever they can, into whatever crevasse, or as much breast as they can grab, pulling at my clothing. Attempting to get their mouth on me wherever they can. Acting as if they were a small dog humping my leg. Doing their best to convince me to lower my morals for a the tiniest amount of money. Speaking to me as if I have had absolutely no formal education what so ever. It literally does not matter how many times I say no. NO MEANS NO FUCK TARD, no does not mean yes, and yes does not mean anal.

I have held down so many hands, held back so many mouths, argued about so many payments. I can't take it any more.

So many times this weekend so far I have had this happen. Or been turned down for a dance because I won't suck some dick. I almost broke a dudes collar bone after a dance because he wouldn't listen to me say no. Didn't think I meant it, and then didn't want to pay me.

Usually I get offended when someone says that I am, too smart, too pretty, too hot, right now I literally am all of those things. I am too good to be treated like a piece of shit by any man.


I am literally at my wits end. I've been on the verge of tears so many times this weekend, and it takes a lot to get me to cry at work because strippers don't cry. That is neither here nor there.

I don't want to give up on people, because that sucks then you miss out on the good ones, but I cannot be insulted anymore by these people. I can here some of the comments I'm sure this is going to get now...about how maybe I put myself in this situation, and I allow it to happen, and I'm weak. FUCK THAT NOISE. Everyone knows I tell everyone the rules when they sit down with me, and everyone knows that if I feel threatened I'm not afraid to defend myself, or ask for help from someone else. As you can see with the above dialogues I'm typically not rude.

I literally cannot do this anymore. I cannot handle it correctly I find myself trying so hard to hold back my temper not to just start screaming at people that i'm a human fucking being and I have feelings, and you can't treat me like this, and that they aren't better than me. That they aren't above me. That they have to respect me, that it's my fucking body and I say what goes. I make it so clear already in the nicest way possible. I fucking hate myself every time I dance for someone who can't follow my rules. It literally makes me hate my job, I cannot get enough isopropyl alcohol on my body sometimes. I don't fucking get it. I want to scream sometimes about how fucking filthy and disgusting and humiliating they are not only to themselves, but their mothers. They are totally giving men a bad name.

It is literally getting to the point where I cannot make money in this city. That shouldn't happen.

I know people do things for a reason, and they are probably not lying when they say some other girl let them do X,Y,Z. Here is the thing ladies, I don't care what you do if it's outside the club, but please do it outside the club. Please have some respect for yourself, charge enough money, be classy, but please I am fucking begging you please stop. I swear you don't have to do extras, I promise you, you will still make money and you are hurting everyone when you let someone touch you.

Can one of you out there in internet land send me a pep talk? I feel like a crazy person over here.

That time of year...Or a story from before I was a stripper.

In Seattle Strippers must have business licenses. We are independent contractors. It's the time of year when they (the clubs) start to remind us to renew our papers. Every year it reminds me of when I first started dancing. When you first enter into this industry there is a bunch of buracracy you must get though.

I was walking though downtown listening to daft punk getting pumped up to get everything done. I was so scared, it was spring, and I had no fucking clue what I was getting myself into. I don't remember what I wore that day, although I'm sure I could look I know I have a photo from that day. I arrived at the department of licensing downtown and went to the desk to find out where I needed to go. I was informed that I was to go to some crazy high floor and take the high speed elevator. There are tons of different kinds of people in this building, I remember wondering what all of them did or if they could tell that I was on my way to becoming a stripper.

I walked into the office, filled out my paper work and was informed that I needed to head back downstairs and across the street to the police department. I was so confused by this. Here in Seattle they take your fingerprints, maybe for our safety but most likely because crime follows this business.

I remember standing in line being so nervous I thought I was going to puke. This amazing thing happened while I was getting my finger prints taken. I was joking around with the officers taking my prints and all of a sudden before I even put down one finger one turns to me and says "Are you sure you want to do this? You are just so nice, you don't seem like the rest of them" for some reason I found so much comfort in that. This happened so many times that day when I feel like I'm failing like today I really like looking back on that moment and thinking that I'm just a little different than the other girls.

Stripper Superstitions

Tonight was so odd. Like truly just odd shit happened. No one was in a good mood. Sometimes while I'm working get this strange feeling like the club feels foreign to me or looks different even though I know damn well it doesn't and I know my way around that place in the dark better than my own home.

All the oddness tonight had me thinking of all the weird superstitious things that we as strippers do,  or that I personally do.

1. Never put your shoes on the table or the counter.
2. Don't put your money on the floor.
3. I usually wear a karma necklace, I haven't this weekend and that might be what's messing with my whole stripper thang.
4. Always carry a dollar, money multiples so always have some to start.
4a. Somewhere along the way I acquired some ripped twenties, probably from someone who thought it would be okay to pay for a service with them. For some reason I used to carry them around in my purse for good luck. I should start doing that again. Right now I'm carrying a two dollar bill instead.
5. We all have a lucky outfit of some sort.
6. Don't brag about having money, because it won't continue.
7. Respect your money. I know it sounds silly but really be nice to it, so it continues to be nice to you.

Last but not least and my favorite.
The Stripper Deities, my favorite good luck charm, I get asked about them a lot, who they really are, they are no one in particular, it's just putting wishes and requests and funny blurbs out into the universe. Writing to them always makes me laugh and typically puts me in a better mood, also it's the signal to work. That I can no longer procrastinate and hide behind a curtain, that I red, need to bust out into shark mode.

There was a great wind

I woke up at 6am on my birthday to the wind blowing though my bedroom. All of the loose papers on my desk flying around. Typically I would get up and close my windows but there was something about this wind that wasn't extremely cold, it was refreshing, it was kind of like a  reminder that I'm still here. That although at 12 I thought I would be sooooo incredibly old by now. That I thought I would be at a different place in my life, I never in a million years thought I would be doing what I'm doing now and be happy about it.
This past year has been crazy, I feel like I say that every year, because every year just gets a little crazier. I'm really hoping that this is the year everything gels, it doesn't need to be perfect it just needs to be a gel. I also hope this is the year I get my sleep schedule figured out. This randomly being tired thing is sooo not working for me.

( I wrote this last year at this same time, It's amazing how time flies, how everything changes but still stays the same)

I swear this year is going to be different. This year I'm going to be the best me I can be all the time. I may not fold my laundry but god dammit I'm going to have some fun.

Test

Blogger is redirecting me please excuse this random post to get to the part of blogger I need.

"When it's over

Can i still come over? When it's over is it really over?" Sugar Ray

Recently on a trip to the beach with a really good friend of mine we were reviewing the quitting time line and how it is directly linked to school and graduating, and as soon as I receive my diploma I'm out.

I was rambling on about hiding out in a cubicle and doing work that may not affect individuals as my work does now, and the idea of wearing clothes to work, and less make-up, basically dialing down the sex appeal by one million. AND GASP COLORING MY HAIR BROWN! not even a good brown, just brown and no other crazy colors in it. Just brown. Boring, boring brown. The whole thing is incredibly appealing at times.

My friend brought up a few really good questions...Like will I miss it. In a way I will really miss this job, it's a major part of my social life. It is incredibly helpful to my ego. I will go from having countless men tell me I'm beautiful to probably zero. Even greater than that, I will be leaving behind most of my friends. I literally will not be able to know people any more for fear that they may damage my job prospects. I have lost site completely of what normal people do on the weekends.

I was reading this blog earlier and she recently left stripping and is lamenting the fact that rather than making 400 in an hour it's 16 hours of work. I'm okay with this idea but working 8 full hours may take a little getting used to.

What's going to be odd is that  I will have to die, the woman that writes this blog at some point will have to die, when all the stories have been told...trust me there are so many, the ones about corruption, and crazy shit, will come after this is all said and done as to not damage anyone I know right now. BUT at some point it will all be over and I red will be gone. The blog may remain but the rest of me will disappear forever. Part of this is really appealing the reinventing of my real self and taking pieces of this part of me with me, the confidence, the ability to say not and not take no for an answer, the strong woman that people look up to and consider a leader all needs to come with, but the shitty parts of me must die, the temper mostly. There are days when I can't wait, when the idea of reinventing myself is what drives me to study hard and what drives me to work hard.

But for now I have a couple years left. Then I'll tackle the hard questions like living in a world where this doesn't exist and really is just a fantasy.

being a good wife...

Mind you I'm not anyones wife, and I probably won't be for a really long time. The following are a few recent conversations I've had about my "future"

Recently I walked up to a gentlemen at the bar and started chatting he inevitably asked me about my life and what I do, I rattled off all the things I do like school, and running, and cooking, and blah, blah, blah. All of a sudden out of nowhere this man says you are going to make someone a really good wife. I laughed at him. I know I shouldn't have he's probably right I probably will but that day is not today and it is not tomorrow. I really want to get though school before I do the whole marriage thing, I mean no one wants to marry a stripper, and that's okay, I wouldn't want to marry a stripper either.

Later this week, I was having a discussion with C and he was going on about how I would be a great wife and a good mother, and it really hit a cord with me. I was thinking about it while we were sitting and talking and came to the conclusion that I have 3 years to get it together find a damn husband and get married and start thinking about kids. This means that I need to get started um...yesterday.

Later this week I was talking to Dr. M whom I dated (term loosely used) ages ago. Recently broke up with a woman who seemed to have her life together, made a boatload of money, had a house, two small dogs, big wig at a company but was totes cray otherwise known as totally crazy. We were discussing how even though she was attractive and her background seemed normal. How he needs to screen for the crazies a little bit better. He then mentioned that whilst we were going out that the main deterrent for him was my job. Which makes perfect sense you hear the words "dating stripper" and you think bat shit crazy.

I was reading a blog earlier today regarding strippers from a customers pov I believe it was here http://pdxstoney.blogspot.com/ and how being a stripper is like a huge hurtle a person needs to overcome like some sort of horrible disease and at times it really does feel like that especially when it comes to dating it's like having a huge black mark on your resume that people can't look over.

I suppose this comes from other strippers giving us a bad name. I was reading on another blog today here and in no way am I bashing this gentleman I'm more concerned about the dancer he is currently involved with. Her way of paying for drugs by having sex in the club gives "us" decent dancers a bad name. Dancers such as this women and others are creating un-necessary hurtles for us to leap over in our tall shoes to make life normal for ourselves.

I don't date due to the questions that arise from my job, and the schedule I keep and the worry that it creates. Quite frequently I am getting home later than a normal person which has worried previous boyfriends not thinking that I have left the club with a customer but that something horrible has happened to me from point a to point b.

So regardless of the fact that I'm wifey material, I will refrain from searching for a partner till I am done with this job to alleviate any concerns my partner may have.

Um...Pity party for one?

I know I bitch about work a lot like a lot a lot. I'm going to PDX this weekend that should remedy this feeling I have of complete hate for my club.

I did the math last weekend typically if you figure I pay the club 140 a night 4 nights a week I pay them roughly $2,240 a month last weekend alone I paid them $770.00.

I think it's bullshit to pay them this much and currently feel unwanted by my club. Luis is currently micromanaging the shit out of me. The other day I was about to hit the floor but I was updating my twitter first or sending an email out right by the door and he walks in and says "Red get on the floor there are guys here" Honestly I don't go to work to hang out in the back and gab. I mean it happens you make friends and you want to find out what's going on with them so you talk while you put your face on. I don't need someone telling me to hustle my my 8inch heels onto the floor. That's what I'm there to do.

Also the general feeling of management not wanting me there it's been a minute since it's happened and maybe I just need to put my head down and work ignore it and ignore them, I'm sure I would be much happier if I just tuned them out. NEW GAME PLAN ignore management and there bullshit cattle calls and yelling about stupid shit. WINNING!

Also I don't like paying so much when we run out of things like toilet paper or our light bulbs burn out our the floor in the back is never cleaned.

I feel like a small child most of the time because I feel like I'm saying I just want the club to love me but really I just want the club to hold up their end of the deal and provide a safe and clean place for us to work and that's not happening when fights between customers and staff are happening, toilets are overflowing for days, and then the floor isn't getting cleaned.

I'M LIKE WHAT THE FUCK AM I PAYING FOR!
{end rant}

updates on the updates

Hello? Hello? is this thing on?...Of course it's on, it's the internet.
I've received some emails lately requesting an update, well I thought I should update about the update. Unfortunately I was not able to lock myself up in my parents cute house in the woods, Thoreau style, which is what I really wanted to do...sadly I was woken up every morning around 6:30 to drive my sister to school. Which is fine by me, I love my sister, but it messed up my writing schedule, and my sleep schedule. Then there was that whole being at work till around 6am thing on uh, friday? Yes friday because it was saturday today.
That being said. Tomorrow the weather is suppose to suck. Also guessing by the amount of fog I'm viewing right now it probably won't be the best day to go to the beach.
 I have to meet with some people about some super secret projects I'm working on but I'm carving out some time to be able to sit down and get some writing done, because I have all kinds of crazy shit to write about right now.
So please sit tight just a little longer and don't give up on reading just yet...I promise more compelling content is on the way.

How to piss Red off in 3 minutes of less

Please note the areas in dark grey are not for weak stomachs
When I walk up to you grab my ass, I don't mean accidentally run into it because it's large I mean grab it and if you could go for either my but crack like you are digging for treasure or (fellow strippers will know what I mean by the following) the part where my butt cheek meets my leg which is uncomfortable close to my vagina. THEN draw me so close to you I literally can't see straight while I talk to you.
While your talking to me tell me how you have worked hard for every penny( basically saying that I have not) then tell me that my company doesn't pay me enough. I will of course flip my hair to the side and very sweetly say "Sugar they don't pay me at all" go on talking like you care.
Oh and please continue to touch me in ways I don't like after I have told you to stop. At this point I'm going to tell you that you need to pay for it. You know if you could say something like...What you don't like it, it will get me to the point where I reach down slam my palm into your dick and grab onto it like I've just lunged for a climbing hold while bouldering. I will so enjoy watching you hunch over. At this point of course I'm going to ask you for a dance.
PLEASE SAY MY FAVORITE THING...You're so pretty...I would love to take you out instead...come back later.
this is my job, i'm not here to find a date, besides match.com filters out people like you for me. 
Tonight was pretty slow so I decided to take my chances with ol' smarty pants frat fucker tonight.
When I come back by I'm going to hit you in the dick with my clutch and you are going to proceed to tell me how much it hurt. I mean that's what you will do if you want to piss me off. I will ask you for a dance you will say something I don't remember and oblige.
We will head back to the dance area...and arrive at one of my least favorite booths. YAY isn't this fun.
I'll sit you down and tell you the rules like don't touch me inappropriately you will wine. Then should ask if you can put your finger in my ass. DON'T worry you can only if you lick whatever comes out (I'm not serious you can't really do that) You should say you will lick whatever comes out of my ass. I either want to see you deep throat a turd or hope that I ate a ton of fiber today and it's like spilling chili all over you. TMI...Nah just a vivid imagination. 

We will get stared and you should say stupid things like how you want my vagina in your face. You should do things like promise to buy me any house I want, and tell me that I'll never have to work again if I go out with you, and if it doesn't work out I can just leave you and keep the house.  Then when the longest 3 minutes of my life comes to a close and I ask you if you would like to continue you should say "We will see where this one goes" and I'll tell you it's over. You should go on to say how it isn't worth it and you expected more and basically tell me I'm a horrible person for following the law. Then tell me it's not worth $40. I'll go one to ignore your comments about me because well...I'M FUCKING AWESOME AND I WOULD RATHER GO HOME WITH LESS MONEY THAN LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR KNOWING THAT I LITERALLY JUST LET SOMEONE DISRESPECT ME. I'll go on to remind you that it's 20 and you will be ecstatic. I will promptly leave, and wonder to myself how I'm worth a house, but not 2 songs.

If you really want to get my goat I recommend telling a client(that is cool, and interesting and likes the melvins) I accidentally walk past you that I ripped you off.

Sugar you are right in a way the next time I see you I will rip you off. I'll rip you little dick off your disgusting body you sick fuck.

Other things, you can ask a waitress for me and then when I come over request a 3/4/40 and when I tell you no, you can tell me that you will wait for the 3/4/40 and me...I have news for you mister...IN SOME TIME.

At the end of the night you can tell me you are looking for a girl you heard will straight up fuck you in the VIP room...again...IN SOME TIME...LIKE FUCKING NEVER, unless I had herpes, then I would fuck you and your face.

There you have it folks how to make me angry in a matter of moments. Now get out there and do good things.

realizations

I have had one hell of a long day so I do not care that I have 7 minutes to eat my food and drink my cider then it's nuh-nigh time for this stripper. This soup is hands down the worst soup I have ever had. I should have made a steak, or some kale or something.

I realized today as coco was yelling at me over text for not blocking someone on twitter that I don't even know that she is somehow convinced is trying to steal me away I am yet again continuing down my spiral road of repeat. After her text, I text her back saying that I basically filled the space I had where bullet was with her, but since we only communicate via text it really was/is like having bullet around, it's someone to say crazy things to who I feel like understands me at times.

I started to ask myself if this was healthy, I'm still unsure. We will see if she decides to text me.

Other things I realized tonight. I hate explaining the law in Seattle, gentlemen I know it sucks, but please bitch to someone else, I'm not going to change my stance on it even if you ask me three times. Also someone please tell me how the phrase "You're really pretty equates to let me put my fingers in you and your boob in my mouth" I'm not seeing the direct translation.

Literally the worst soup ever of all time. Its so bad I'm going to stop eating it, and I'm fucking hungry so that's saying a lot. There now that's gone.

I also realized today that I've been avoiding my parents calls I'm not even sure why. I mean I'm going to see them in a couple of weeks so I had better figure it out. I think it's because I'm getting to the age where they expect me to get married but I've got nothing on that end. Also because they tend to treat me like a child. I'm older than my mom was when my dad married her. I'm also older than my cousin when she got married. I'm going to be the old lady with a million bulldogs. Which after reading it doesn't sound so bad.

I know I said I was going to PDX this weekend but it's going to have to wait until tomorrow.

I really embarrassed myself tonight. There was this guy who had been looking at me for a while, so I went up to chat with him while he was at the bar. I didn't realize he was waiting for Skylar for a champagne room. I apologized and she laughed it off but still embarrassing.

I'm beginning to get  a little, dishearten by people as of late when it comes to work, I hope that tomorrow is different and on that note I'm incredibly tired.

Dear VU...Fuck yourselves

Preface thats a hard thing to say because I know all of you so personally, I've been to your family dinners. WE HAVE HUNG OUT BEFORE but you are figuratively fucking me in the ass. So excuse me.


Some open letters to my company and a few patrons tonight.

Dear Vu,

I don't know if you have looked lately but I would like to remind you that I make you at least $2,240 that's the minimum. per month. It's more in the ballpark of 3000 That's at least the salary of a few people. I know I am one of the girls in my club that makes you the most money. I know that our club makes less money than others in the area...Regardless 2000+ dollars is nothing to scof at. I understand that you provide me with a space to work but I would like to talk about that space right now and your employees

Please explain to me why myself and my fellow dancers must deal with a toilet literally overflowing with feces onto our locker room floor for over a week. That is a health hazard, there is absolutely no reason for us to have to deal with that. Also while we are on the topic of bathrooms. Why must we have paper towels 10ft from the sink, again a safety hazard of dripping water all over the floor. You require us to wear heels please make it safe. Why do we constantly run out of toilet paper? Soap? Hand sanitizer? Why are the locker room floors never clean?

Lets talk staff. YOUR CONDESCENDING FUCKING STAFF! J I'm super sorry but THE WAY YOU TALK ON THE MIKE MAKES ME WANT CAUSE YOU SO MUCH HARM! which sucks because as soon as you are out of the booth your are a sweet heart. I FUCKING HATE THE WAY YOU SAY OOOOH DANCER NAME OOOH DANCER NAME YOUR UP NEXT. I HAVE NEVER MISSED A FUCKING STAGE AND I AM IN NO WAY HERE FOR YOU TO TALK DOWN TOO AT FUCKING ALL. Honestly girls talk about it, this is affecting your tips. Please just be you and be cool. Your waitress that dian to bring strippers drinks like we are the scum of the earth. Your managers that literally laugh in my face when the night isn't going well. Your security not walking me to my car. YOUR GOD DAMN FLOOR MANAGER WHO LITERALLY RUNS INTO ME EVERY FUCKING NIGHT I WORK LIKE I DON'T EXIST who does not stick up for us. Who claims we rip off customers.

As for bad nights...I literally do everything I can to get customers in. I'm on twitter, instagram, blogging, email. I promote more than anyone else and I get nothing, not even a thank-you from you. I am the team player. What more do you want me to do besides roofie people and steal their bank accounts? Which I would never do proof from all the smart phones and wallets left in booths I have also thanklessly returned.

VU...tell me, when did the most important part of your business become the part you treat the worst? The people that keep you fed, clothed, and sheltered, the people that do a job most of you couldn't because it is so emotionally and mentally and physically taxing are now not even worth a pot to piss in.

I am asking you to please remember that we are the reason you are in business.

I'm reaching the end of caring about other people and this company and busting my ass, losing sleep, and now money WHEN LITERALLY NO ONE GIVES A GOD FUCKING DAMN SHIT ABOUT ME. I could disappear off the face of the earth and the vu would not care.

Please reconsider how you run your business before you run it into the ground.
Thanks
-red

Ideal female bodies, doing the right thing, and tattoos.

I swear they all work together.
I'm writing a paper on ideal female bodies, or the media's idea on what women should look like. Basically everything says you should look like me...but taller. The odd thing about this paper is it has made me so self conscious about what I wear, how I look, how other people are looking at me, but only while I'm at school. It's so strange as soon as I get to work none of that matters it all goes out the window. I just look like me then, or how I wish I looked all the time. I'm so confident at work, I'm strong, I'm a badass who is scared of very little. I am really working hard to transfer specific attributes I have at work to my "real" life.

It's odd before this (job) I worked in advertising I have been surrounded by beautiful women both inside and out since I was 18. I may have a warped vision on what beauty is, but at the same time I know that everything is photoshopped and it really hurts when other women openly compare themselves to models and pornstars.

I'm going to talk about poop.
This week while I was in the bathroom at school the girl in the stall next to me sounded like she had explosive diarrhea after her first initial whatever you want to call it I was waiting for the fart symphony to start, and it didn't I thought it sort of odd. So I waited and what I did here was not farts, it was the scraping sound of someone scraping the back of their throat to make them selves throw up. I stepped out of my stall washed my hands and thought...I should at the very least find out who this girl is. Also at that same time I thought "maybe your wrong, perhaps you should look at which way her feet are pointed" Well friends they were not pointed out towards me like they should be...Then I heard her spit. FUCK MY LIFE I FELT HORRIBLE and I didn't know what to do. My first instinct is always to grab someone and hold them close to me in hopes of a human connection potentially reaching them. I did not do that. She walked out. I so wanted to say something. I wanted to write her a note anything. As I walked down the hall I thought...Maybe she didn't feel good...Red you should go back tomorrow around the same time. Thats one of those things people have on routine. Sure enough today was the same.

Everyone always asks me what I think about while I'm at work. I think about things like this and how I am going to fix it, or help. I only have a few days...So I've decided to make fliers, and I'm going to post them in every single stall at school, talking briefly about the dangers of bulimia and how you can die from dehydration or throwing your electrolytes totally out of wack. How a stranger cares enough to post things. Then I thought I should include a number to call for this, maybe even a qr code so they don't have to take a photo or  slip of paper that someone could find it's just in their phone when they are ready.

I had an ex who would tell me not to meddle in peoples business and to just worry about myself. I called him because we are still friends to ask his opinion on wether or not I did the right thing. He said I should do something for sure, and that even though he said don't meddle that he appreciates how caring I am for strangers as he never has been and never will be.

Okay tattoos. I have two currently and all of a sudden I feel like I need another, it's like I won't feel whole until I have it...odd feeling because I feel fine without it. It's going to be of something girly like flowers that will age well. A reminder that beauty fades much like cut flowers, at the same time it probably won't hurt to slow down and actually appreciate beauty sometimes, even my own, as that is the one I tend to neglect, although it may not seem like it with the amount of photos I take...again a work thing. I also always want a reminder of spring and summer. Lastly listed but probably firstly thought...I just think it will be beautiful...Oh no I'm falling asleep. Stay tuned for tattoo updates.

make-up and girly stuff

I'm writing to calm my nerves right now.
I'm writing a paper on the idealized female body for my class and as I write it I grow more and more self conscious. It might also be the company I'm keeping as of late isn't as confident a one would hope. ANYWAY...I get self conscious reading bout how men like bigger boobs, and a particular hair color, and an angular jaw, and light eyes, etc. Then I look in the mirror and think wait thats me, not to sound like a crazy egotistical bitch but really at this moment in my life I am very fortunate to be all of those things.

This post is for the ladies mostly I've been wearing more make-up lately but not your normal make-up I guess all of it has some hidden benefit that is suppose to improve something about my skin or my eyelashes. That is except for the eyeshadow I wear to work. Also Tiger and I have been in search of the holy grail of eye liner and I think we finally found it. Actually most of these items are the holy grail of beauty products that I love. Mind you I hate wearing make-up I hate putting it on, it's just not my jam.

Preface none of these images are mine so please don't sue me.

I almost always wear this product by garnier because I almost always look fucking tired. It has a very light concealer in it and CAFFEINE! It will run you about $9 at any drugstore.

Lately, everyone has been talking about bb cream and how rad it is for you. There are a few things I look for when I put things on my face, which I try not to do very often. Typically I wear a moisturizer with sunscreen in it. Sunscreen is my security blanket it makes me feel like nothing is going to hurt my skin, and for some reason I love wearing that shit at work. I feel like perfume, and hairspray, and smoke, and mean words cant hurt me. Anyway I have been on the quest for bb cream. I tried Garnier I didn't really like it it made me look jaundice. The Urban Decay Naked broke my face out, and my face rarely breaks out so I was a little peeved. Finally I found the Dr. Jart bb cream, I guess they invented it so far it's pretty rad

Ok...bb cream has moisturizer, sunscreen spf 45 to be exact (awesome!), and anti-aging in it and some other crazy stuff that isn't suppose to be bad for you. This particular formula does not contain Phthalates which are bad...very bad.

The only issue I have with it is the price tag it's a whooping $45 I try to be thrifty and keep things to a minimum as you will soon find out. 

Moving on I rarely wear powder but when I do I wear 

TAH_DAH another bb product. I FUCKING LOVE SUNSCREEN SO MUCH! This little ditty has a tiny pit of shiny crap in it so I actually look awake when I wear it. Don't let the name fool you, you can get this jam at bartell drugs for about $12 I think

I'm saving the best for last in case you are waiting for the eyeliner to end all eyeliners.

I do wear a crayon/pencil eyeliner on my water line and have been doing so since I was 14 and allowed to wear make-up to school. There are two I use right now because the are incredibly black one is more pricey than the other but the lesser of the two is my fave right now. So I use Urban Decay 24/7 glide on pencil it's around $20 have no fear my fave at the moment is way less which is the Victoria Secret Precision something something pencil for $9

For mascara I wear maybelline colossal mascara for wait for it...wait for it...$6 bam it's a direct knock of the Dior show mascara which is $25

Previously I wore the mac nymphette lipgloss religiously. Mind you I still wear a lot of mac lipsticks and what not but I'm just going over my basics for the day.

Currently I'm wearing a lot of Revlon super lustrous in pink whisper. I like this gloss because it goes on perfect in one coat the glitter isn't chunky at all and it basically looks like the mac gloss ($15) and it's only $6 mind you I've gone through a lot of drug store brands to find the perfect one. 

I always wear eyeshadow primer when I wear eyeshadow. If you don't do this you need to. I can literally sleep in my make-up and have it look the same in the am. I wear Urban Decay. I previously wore their eyeshadow as well and I still do just not as much. This is also a pricey item. I swear I really try to keep the cost down on a lot of things. Anyway it's about $20 at Sephora or Ulta I at one point have tried every color of these I usually go with the original. However they just came out with an anti-aging one. If you can't tell I obviously have an obsession with anti-aging. 

When I'm at work I wear eyeshadow sometimes, only sometimes, usually it's just eyeliner and mascara. The eyeshadow I wear is made by two faced and it's their boudoir palette. It's also a little pricey $36. I believe in spending money on eyeshadow because I feel that it blends better and is a better pigment quality. 

Finally we are to the part you have all been waiting for the eyeliner to end all eyeliners. It is also made by Physicians Formula. It is about $11 dollars. It apparently is suppose to make your lashes grow with the lash serum in it. I just like it because you can sleep in it and it looks exactly the same when you wake up, and then if you are super gross like me sometimes, you can wear it all day if you don't have time to shower and it still looks EXACTLY THE SAME! Anyway it's the Physicians Formula Lash Booster 

There you go. My ENTIRE make up run down. Mind you I rarely wear this much make-up it's usually bb cream, under eye stuff, eyeliner (both of them), and mascara. Sometimes I skip the eye gunk and the bb cream and just roll with pencil liner and mascara. Most of the time I don't wear anything. 

Okay well now that I've procrastinated, and bored myself with this post, I feel way better about whatever was bugging me before. 

Who is reading...

my blog at this time or day?
Or in general...?
Inquiring minds are inquiring to know.
Leave a comment introduce yourself.

I'm totally pouting, you should ignore this one.

My high school Principle once said to me...

"Red being pretty won't get you everywhere in life" I responded with I suppose you are right but it should get my foot in the door.

Little did I know it would get me literally no where.

Let me preface with I've had a long horrible day and this is me bitching about it. 

This all became very apparent to me as I was having drinks with a couple of friends moments before work. I stepped outside the bar to call a car so I could get to work. A line had formed at the door while i was in the bar and on the phone. My little female brain told me...You have paid for drinks already and this gentleman has already seen your id you can probably duck right back in with your friends and go back to what you were doing. BOY HOWDY WAS I WRONG! I get about half way across the bar when I'm met with someone grabbing my shoulder and shoving me back towards the door shouting at me to get to the back of the line, as I'm trying to stammer out, that I've paid for drinks and he's already seen my id. Doesn't matter get to the back of the line. I'm a little bit peeved at this point and the people in line are talking about me. The girls in front of me get in for free. I get there and the door guy is all "ID" I had him my id and tell him he's seen it and he was like "SO I HAVE" um quick question you let me in before, why the fuck would I leave to get a fake id and come back? Decided not to ask that question I was apparently hated enough at that point. I'm then told it's 7 dollars. No big deal. I open my wallet pull out a 5 and some change and start counting, I needed to off load some change. This dude looks at me and says I can tell you right now that, that is not 7 dollars. I'm thinking in my brain. I can count, and if I happen to be holding up your line maybe you shouldn't have been so fucking chatty with everyone else. So I do the wrong thing and hand him a hundred and ask him to break it...he doesn't have change. I settle for a 20. I walk back to the bar. I explain to my friends what happened. I finish my drink I grab my bag, I walk out the door 5 fucking minutes. I don't think that I fit in at this bar. Maybe it was the fact that I was wearing a nike tee-shirt? I don't know 

Earlier today in my writing class I was accused of being a trust fund kid. I wish I had a substantial trust fund...but I don't, I just work all the time. My fucking professor even got in on it. The thing is the last time I took an english class I dressed way down, like grundy punk kid down, I also don't know if I showered, I was going through a tough time you could say. Anyway back to today, so people are making fun of me for that. I'm equating this to pretty because people say your life is suppose to be easier. FUCK THAT NOISE IT IS NOT!

And another thing I'm tired of hearing no I don't want a dance you are too pretty. ISN'T THAT THE POINT? TO SEE WOMEN YOU DON'T THINK YOU COULD TALK TO IN REAL LIFE? 

I suppose none of this really has anything to do with being pretty. The door guy just wanted to make sure the band was paid as much as possible. Everyone in my class...how are they suppose to know any better unless I wear my stripper clothes to class. Which I just might do. I think I am literally just crabby today because I'm overtired, out of time, and feeling a little lonely even though I'm around people 24/7 So you all can just excuse my oh whoa is me, I'm going to pout blog post over here. 

Body dysmorphia is a serious thing.

First before I get into the guts of tonight I would like to say. DAMN I LOVE RADISHES even without butter.

So tonight I got into it with someone on instagram. How childish right? That's what I thought but sometimes I'm a little indulgent because it's nice hiding behind a screen. What happend you ask?  Well you can view the whole thing on insta by looking up redflagrampage and seeing how horrible I am at insulting people, and typing, and spelling and all those other things I'm not good at, speaking of I need to be in bed with my eyes closed in 19 minutes so please excuse the mess I call a blog.

Anyway. I posted some silly photo of me in my underwear (surprise) and tagged it with something like #dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwashotlikeme and this young lady commented saying there is a difference between hot and FAT and trashy. Mind you I would assume trashy right off the bat as well because aren't all strippers highly uneducated and living in the ghetto? Oh wait no we don't most of us have normal lives, and clean homes, and decent modes of transportation.

I responded by saying that I agreed with her and I thought it was silly that people also considered tattoos and smoking pot trashy.
She replied with "I'm not sure if you're on drugs or illiterate or just really awful at sarcasm really. it's a tough call"
I'm not on drugs, nor am I illiterate. I actually take offense to the lack of literacy comment.

I did a very brief skim of her photos not paying much attention to her. She retorted with something something. I must not be very bright. Then it got ugly. I told her to see a therapist since she seemed to have issues with herself and other women, and I would be concerned about gateway drug usage, and when getting into a "real job" they tend to drug test, so I claimed she didn't have a job, or an education. Major bad on my part, rude and mean. She got back to me saying I'm unfortunate and need therapy ( I actually go to therapy I think everyone should) and then she called me filthy and unfortunate. She stated she's been living on her own for 3 years and she's getting her esthetician license in january. Then came the squabble of me being narcissistic and not deserving respect because I don't have close on and I shouldn't give "advise" (advice) because of this and if I were to wear clothes I may be relevant enough to be taken seriously.
I got back to her admitted to having narcissistic tendencies, and that she shouldn't take me seriously, it's my work thingy, it's marketing for the most part and a good way to keep up with others in the industry. Or follow people I couldn't follow with my everyday life thing. I said something about needing to go back to work, and mentioned her lack of punctuation (like I should be one to talk, I also mentioned that, and directed her to right here.)

She said she is to blind to get LASIK so she can't see what she types, and that there is not difference between reality and make believe when it's trashy photos. She then apologized for my lack of job prospects and that I must strip for income, also that she hates encountering photos like this when browsing Instagram (question, my hashtags are pretty specific for things that would produce images of this nature, why would you search them if you didn't want to see this, or the few people I follow are clearly industry) She then said she was tired after laughing at me at my expense. I was then informed that her LEXILE SCORE was that of an average scientist, so I should not have said anything about her grammer, she's right I shouldn't have mine is horrible. Then she looped a friend in. She finished up by calling me a mediocre body with no face because she's right I do chop it off for safety reasons. Saying I'm not ashamed to show all of it and then some.

After this I brought it up to the girls in the locker room. We started going though her pictures and it became very apparent that she may be suffering from anorexia. I instantly felt bad. Like horrible. Of course this girl is trying to rip me apart, she has issues with herself, and it feels better to make fun of someone else, when you are tearing yourself apart from the inside out.

I left her one last comment...Saying that I was sorry, and that had I looked sooner I never would have said those things, and that if she needs someone to talk to to email me. I said that I know how hard it can be to be a woman in this day in age. I brought up a story of an ex of mine always checking out other women with big boobs, and how it literally gave me a complex and for a long time I thought he didn't like me and that I wasn't attractive, which was not true at all. I told her that becoming a stripper was the best thing I could have done for my body image issues, it has made me realize that beauty is not just one way, it's so many ways, and not everyone likes one thing. I told her that even if she doesn't believe me, or doesn't like "me" (even though she has no idea who I am...at all) that there is someone who cares about her, wants the best for her and wants her to love herself more than anyone else because no one is going to go to bed with you more than you go to bed with you.

It made me really sad to think that there are girls that still pick on other girls because of their own discomfort in their own skin. I wish so badly that my job didn't have the stigma it does and that people could see the benefits. I feel like lately I've been too quiet about the good things and that I gave up on going hard for those involved in the sex industry. I used to fight for this so hard. This girl reminded me why I should fight for it, because it's no fighting for me and my type of people it's fighting for women and the freedom to be themselves, and the right to love themselves unconditionally.

Rarely do I panic, but when I do it looks something like this...

I don't panic often, but right now. I.am.fucking.panicking.
Please excuse me sometimes it just feels better to get everything down on "paper" so I can later create an actual plan from this brainstorm as to how I'm going to be the best I can be.
I'm a firm believer in money comes money goes and it will be there when you need it if you bust your ass for it. The thing is, the club I'm working at right now is our company's equivalent to the island of lost toys. I don't know what the fuck happened well I do. We had a manager that didn't care how we made money as long as we made it, which makes it hard for the likes of someone like me who is never in the mood to have a strangers fingers in her vagina. Do I know where your hands have been hell fucking no. Actually let me do a quick internet search for stories about people having sex with stomas, and gonorrhea bubbles bursting in peoples mouths to give you a small idea as to why I have an incredible fear of shit like peoples hands. Actually no you all can google those stories yourself...but why would you do that when you can read it here ps NSFWS (Not safe for weak stomachs) Look at all that time I saved you. Oh back to panicking.

Also I never complain about money but for real shit is getting real in my club, and I'm about to be a frugal ass stripper which I of course am all ready but I'm really about to cut all spending.
No eating out ever, not even at school. I don't care how fucking hungry I am, I won't do it anymore.
No drinking because booze are expensive and I'm one of those crazy women that doesn't let people buy her drinks.
No new clothes, scratch that no used clothes as well, so no new "to me" clothes, work clothes included. Here is to hoping my shoes don't break.

I have never had this happen before. A summer like this happen it is worse than the winter. I'm not sure how that is even possible but apparently it is. It's insane. LITERALLY INSANE.
I seriously feel like I should work doubles every day that I don't have school to try and make-up for money that just isn't happening.
  (This is what actual panic looks like, it's me going nuts and scrambling to make everything work, not even putting together real thoughts) For anyone who has been upset with me lately for not getting back to them in a prompt manner I apologize I've been really busy trying to succeed at a normal level lately and nothing is really working out. So I sincerely apologize bear with me. 
 In a first world problem sort of way. I desperately need a hair day, because my hair is a mess right now. Anyone wants to chip in for my hair message me I'm sure we can figure it out. A note on my hair it's not as high maintenance as most. I don't have extensions so by comparison it's cheap. I never get my nails done so I don't have that expense. I have all the make-up I could ever want for like a year. I am not going to buy any make-up for a year and see how far I can get on what I have, with the exception of my new favorite lipgloss with is $3.50 less than my previous favorite lipgloss.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong with this whole making money thing. IF anyone wants to brainstorm some ideas and send them my way again...please message me It would be greatly appreciated.

Also on a note about monetizing the blogger google just released that any "adult content links" on an adult content blog will either be removed, or the blog itself will be removed, I don't remember how they worded. So it's going to take me a second to figure this whole thing out.

A final note. The sun is coming up which is my que to skedaddle on to bed before I turn into dust or whatever happens when strippers see dawn.

Male Strippers...and some fucking douchbag...and all the good things people say.

Sometimes we find solace in those similar to us. Every night lately someone has reminded me of who I was over a year ago, that I'm great, and that I'm going to be just fine when this is all over.

Disclaimer I really would like to go to bed so please excuse all typing and grammer errors.

Lets start with the bad, everyone sucked tonight. So fucking rude. One fucktard specifically had me pretty unhappy. I approached him and his friends, his friend invited me to sit on the chair that this dumbass had his feet resting on. He was a little upset when I sat on it and started bitching about how I took his chair. I told him I owned all the chairs, because the amount of money I pay a month covers I think the clubs lease, so I think over a couple of years I have paid for everything in there. Anyway he invited me to sit on his lap to chat so I did (because that's how we roll up here) as I was trying not to eat shit in my huge as shoes he grabbed me to "help" me (worst idea ever) which I informed him made me less stable and more likely to fall. Okay finally seated. We start talking and he's like "oh you should come back to our party bus" I said I hope you have 100k to which he replies, I'm not asking you to strip I'm asking you to hang out and have a good time and I said yeah, so, it's still 100k. He said "I don't pay for things" to which I replied "How do you buy groceries?" he of course said with money and the same to movies, and other forms of entertainment. SO I asked then why would you not pay me for entertaining you? He said because I don't have to I mean your sitting here on my lap and we are having fun...and then the fucker started to bounce me. BOUNCING IS ONE OF MY LEAST FAVE THINGS. I'M NOT A CHILD YOU CREEPY FUCK. PS, I was not having fun. I think it's super degrading and insulting to bounce grown women. So I said, okay you obviously have never taken an economics class and have no idea about how the money system works. There is a monetary exchange that happens for entertainment regardless of wether or not you go home and jack off, you pay for porn and it's the same thing sort of and there is something to be said about warm bodies especially mine because in the real world you don't have a chance. What is it that you do? he is an electrician. I asked him if he would rewire my apartment for free. He of course said no, and at this point was pretty embarrassed and called himself an idiot I was in two deep, and I couldn't stop, it's like as soon as I insult someone for something really horrible like not having common sense I can't stop especially after the have insulted me. Time passes and he and his horrible group are leaving and he comes up to me for one more shot. As he was leaving I said "You know besides not really being my type, I really don't waste my time on men who can't hold and intelligent conversation, I'm happy to recommend some reading to you if you like" He left. I know this is totally hypocritical as my grammer is horrible when write, but whatever, I was mad.

ON TO THE GOOD STUFF, THE STUFF THAT MADE ALL MY NIGHTS FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS.

Tonight a super athletic ex male stripper came in apparently he met me at dreamgirls a while ago and was in LD's tonight just randomly, he claimed he doesn't go to stripclubs often, I'll believe that. It's odd that someone else in the industry can make everything seem so much better, he's successful, happy motivating, and has a similar love of fitness as Semi, and a similar build, height included. I need a nick name for him, Oak. He compared his legs to oak trees. So oak has neck tattoos, and liked me for my new septum piercing, and the fact that I have a brain and I use it to communicate effectively with those around me. This has been the thing lately. People have been pretty into the organ in my head. I've quit changing the pith of my voice at work and trying to come off as flirty and gone back to being myself, or as much of myself as I can be at work, it's working out well. Anyway there was something about talking to oak that really made me feel better. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I've had a lot on my mind particularly a friend of mine who has been going though a rough battle with themselves for a while, I'm at a lose for how to help them. I know you can't help someone who doesn't want help, but they seem to want help and then they don't, it's getting a little confusing. More on Minnesota later.

Later tonight an old client came in who I haven't seen in who the hell knows how long, who kept going on and on, on who i've gotten hotter, I'm in better shape, I talk different, I've gotten sharper. He was pretty hung up on the idea of a new and improved me.

I'm quickly running out of time, the sun is about to come up, I feel like a fucking vampire in the summer here, going to bed when the sun is coming up is horrible, especially because I'm suppose to be heading up to whidby for the day tomorrow.

Wednesday night was the crazy vip room night of 3 strippers and 3 dudes, on fucking drunk dude who could not get the word no through his head with the two other girls. I think there is something about me that people take pretty seriously when I say no. I might be that I'm not stick thin. Or the fact that I don't have horrible hair extension, smell like booze and cigarettes and can barely keep my eyes open. Anywho the leader of this group chose the aforementioned girl, the drunk fucker took tiger and the totally tame awesome conversationalist ended up with me, and everything was great...then we all switched and I had the super drunk dude, who wanted me to go away as quickly as possible because I'm not fun. I fucking hate drunk people, so fucking rude. I ended up with the leader and he ended up saying that he liked me best not because I was pretty but because I stood up for myself I didn't bend the rules and I could hold a conversation.

The thing everyone has had in common is they have said I'm too good for this job, I'm just too good for it. I love my job, and I like that people feel this way, I think it helps people understand that this job isn't my forever it's just my for right now, it's means to an end, I mean, a means that I enjoy, but I will be so glad when this is all over and all i have is this blog to look back on.

On that note. I'm going the fuck to bed.

Monetizing the blog?????

Hey Readers,
I know this is fun because it's ad free and all and it's probably really nice to to be hit in the face with a banner for weight watchers (damn that vita mix recipe search). But I'm curious, if I were to add ad's would you still read? Do you think you would click on them or would you be pissed that I bowed down to the man because I am a stripper and sometimes I do want to make some money, because well that's what I do. Or would ya'll be happier with something else...Like buying my underwear, or something.
What can I say, I'm just working on always hustling, so if you have any input I really want to hear it, because I want you to stay right where you are and keep reading this.

Thanks!
-RED

waiting...

I'm waiting to fall asleep...because I have so much studying to do I think I should just wake up in the morning and do it.
I'm waiting for a phone call...6 hours later, it's safe to assume that phone call is not coming.
I'm waiting to get over this anxiety...of finals, and not knowing, and feeling uncertain, and the feeling of anxiety that comes with not feeling incredibly stable.
I'm waiting to be better...to be better, to be a better person, that can handle situations better. I felt I was doing so good, I hadn't lost my temper, but apparently tears make one seem unstable and not worth working with.
I'm waiting to go running...because it's finals and I need to study and I need to sleep, and i need to run, because I have a race. I need more time in the day.
I'm waiting for my future...because the present is crushing me.
I'm waiting for the sun...because god dammit i'm fucking tired of the rain and the gloom and the feeling of clouds.
I'm dreading the winter. Please see above.
I dread the time it will take for me to finish this degree, because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in the time I've been in school.
I dread a piece of the future that feels like a small chunk of porcline being thrown at a car window. Something so small, and so insignificant but at the same time it's going to shatter my world, and I'm going to have to wait for it to repair.
I'm waiting to quit this job, even though I know that it will be a long time till I make money like this. Maybe my best friend was right maybe I should live frugally and save so I can have something to remember this by in the future. At the same time I think what if I never make any money again. What if this, these years are the best my life will ever be and I don't enjoy them because I'm waiting.
I'm waiting for the right one to catch my drift. I was reminded this week of Charlotte york in a satc episode where she says something along the lines of "I've been dating for 15 years where is he" and I wondered if I had let him go, or maybe if this job and my promise to myself to stay single while I do this is really doing damage. I wouldn't wish dating a stripper on anyone, not ever so I know it's my own fault but damn I am fucking lonely.
I combat the idea of being so damaged that I'm not enough for someone everyday with "I go to school, I work, I run, I have a dog, I pay my own way...always...even to a fault...and I did on dates when I went on them, I always paid" lately though the idea of being damaged goods has come up so often that I'm almost wondering if it's true. I wonder if my lack of ability to work with someone totally insane on a group project is really so horrible. A friend told me I hate women. I don't hate women. I really like them. I wish I had more female friends I just don't have time. There will be more on the crazy woman I had to work with later. Something tells me to get the fuck out of bed everyday, and it's not just a baby dog. Apparently I still hope that eventually someday, someone will get me, but until that day, god dammit stripping is a lonely job.

If it's unclear I'm feeling a little down, it will all pass over soon enough so no one panic I swear I'm fine I just wanted to complain a little bit.

Like a Bullet...

Sometimes I wonder how Bullet got her name. This last couple of weeks drove it home on how and why. She's kind of like a person trying to shoot a pistol with one hand. She wavers a bit and all you can think is "Oh god, I hope I'm not in the line of fire" I have felt like I always have been one of the first she has aimed for, maybe that's because we were best friends. I specifically remember one trip down to portland when we were in the car talking about being friends and she said "I can't think of anything that could come between us" I should have known right then everything was going to explode.

Every time I even consider going to portland I think of her and how well we worked together and how much fun we had. I also think of how my grade suffered from sleeping in, and drinking boxed wine, and eating shitty chinese food. I look at where I am now and where I was then. Maybe I was more fun then, maybe I was just plain wreckless. Right then I had nothing to lose, my family lives thousands of miles away and no one was counting on me so I think at that time I did not give a fuck about what I did. Then I think about now. I have my dog, I have one small thing in the world depending on me and that makes me a responsible adult. I just gave myself new fitness goals. So I can't be eating crappy Chinese food and drinking a gallon of wine.

Anywho...I'm heading back to Portland soon, only this time I won't be traveling with a loose pistol. I can honestly say at this point even though I miss her and I miss how much fun we had, I am so glad we are no longer friends.

GVS strikes local strip club....

For those of you unfamiliar with GVS it is a horrible illness known in it's entirety as Golden Vagina Syndrome, it typically inhabits the bodies of newer strippers. One of the girls in my locker area is currently suffering from it.

I walked into work last night and it was crowded in my area, I couldn't turn my big butt around without running it into someone else. There is this younger stripper in the back having a conversation with one of my fave girls about fighting, and how she doesn't talk shit. Let me also interject that she's wasted, she puts down at least a 750ml bottle of Vodka every night she works She is continually saying how she doesn't say anything that she just leans back and smiles, before she picks up the heaviest thing she can find to swing at someone...First off this is dumb, you are currently talking shit, and there are a bunch of bitches back here who would happily prove you wrong.

S (another fave of mine) is talking about how crowed it is and that people need to move and get on the floor so there is space to get ready. GVSS (golden vagina syndrome suffer) is also talking about how it's crowed, but she's not getting ready she's just milling about, S tells her to get out since she doesn't have a purpose for being back there. She also drops that she might drop kick her if she doesn't. I chime in with "If you don't need to be back here Get The Fuck Out" She decides to come back at me with "Bitch don't tell me what to do" I'm caught a little off guard, I was merely chiming in, and yes I wasn't being very nice, I'll admit it, she annoys me. At the same time she can be so sweet when she's not drunk, nicest girl, she's caring, funny, and all sorts of other things, but when she's wasted and around other newish strippers with egos she's fucking awful. I retorted with, "you're the one that said you couldn't breathe so fix it. She starts talking to the girls around her all while she's within arms reach of me saying "I wish a N*g* (you get the idea) would" Other girls are trying to calm her down, it's not working so I open my mouth again and I'm like "Hey I was joking, calm down" She pipes back with "Don't fucking tell me to calm down, never ever tell me to calm down, I will fuck you up" At this point I'm waiting for this drunk bitch to punch me. I'm thinking there is about to be a locker room fight, because this bitch keeps running her mouth every night. She leaves to smoke.

L comes down and says that GVSS is upstairs saying everyone is being bitchy and to tell her if I'm talking shit. I turn to L and say please tell her I'm talking shit, that she needs to quit drinking so much and running her mouth. I don't think it ever got back to her. We started talking about how great she is when she isn't drunk, as I mentioned before she's awesome.

She comes back down, L says "I hate drunk people they totally annoy me" GVSS "Says oh I'm sorry I hope I'm not annoying you" L "I didn't even notice" L then turns to me and says "Red wouldn't it be awesome if we could actually fight people and not get fired for it" I smirk and say "Yup it would be pretty rad" Sometimes it would be nice to just get it out rather than squawking at each other. Or for the girls that talk a big game to actually bring it to the table. This statement quieted the whole shit talking forum that was happening.

GVS is a dangerous thing, it can turn a whole club against you. This girl is really working on making some enemies with all her drinking and acting like she's the top bitch. She's also one of those girls that talks about how much she weighs or doesn't weigh. She's cute don't get me wrong. She has big boobs, shes Puerto Rican, she's pretty. One night she was all like blah, blah, blah, I weigh 120 blah, blah, blah. The thing is I look lighter than her, I might just be lighter than her but I'm also super muscular, to the point people comment on what good shape I'm in, not in an overly done way yet. I work out. I run, I try to stay active, I feel pretty fit. This girl follows that statement with I'm an athlete, my whole family consists of athletes I'm just too lazy to work out. UMM WHAT THE FUCK! YOU ARE NOT AN ATHLETE UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY WORK OUT, JUST FYI. Statements like that obviously annoy me. There are those of us that work hard to look a certain way and I don't need anyone negating the work that I do. I so want the best for this girl, I really want her to quit being delusional, before someone slaps some sense into her.

Narcolepsy? No I think I'm just really tired.

Last night I dropped by work to look at the new Showgirl of the Month poster, as per request of the showgirl, who is an amazing girl named Claire, you should all come down and see her, she is one of  the funniest kindest girls I know.
Anyway while I was there I was talking to Skylar in the locker room about how school was going and if she had midterms coming up. We ended up on the topic of what time we both go. I go at a more reasonable time than ever in the morning. I have previously had class start at 8am. There are many a day that goes by when I haven't even pulled myself out of bed by 8am. She goes at a really reasonable time that allows her to get a normal amount of sleep and maintain a pretty normal life. As we are chatting all of a sudden she blurts out "When do you sleep?" Something about that totally stuck with me. When the hell do I sleep, I mean I know when I sleep, I sleep for a few hours, then I grab 10-30 minute naps throughout the day. I exist solely on naps, caffeine and the afternoon bag of skittles. I know I have talked about this at great length before, but I swear I cannot fucking wait for the day I look back on this and realize how much I really did. Honestly right now I don't think about it till someone says something. Right now it feels like I'm just not doing enough.
I never see my friends, I'm always tired, and I'm always scrambling to do something. All of this goes on while other people live extremely busy lives as well but don't seem to have the same level of panic that I have.  All this being said I need to slap on my face and head out for the day.
Here's not not having a narcoleptic episode in class. Fingers crossed.

"You're the extra ton of cash on my sinking life raft"

You're the good things... One of my favorite songs by modest mouse.

 Recently this comment landed in my inbox. I get a fair amount of mail, wether it be wives asking advice about there husbands, or just general banter. This one, something about this one got me...

"I have to admit I have been reading your blog now since October of last year (long story of how I got here, not important at the moment), and I have to say I am constantly captivated by what you write. That is, the blogs like this one where you seem focused and have a point to the story. The short blurbs about hating your manager are more entertaining than captivating but I digress.

The reason why I am commenting now is that lately I find you really need something positive in your life to happen. Something to show that everything you're doing with your life is not all wasted on idiot people who don't give you the love and respect you deserve. Whether or not you take away a positive from this, do know that you have positively affected my life in small but powerful ways. Everyone has real life "grown up" problems, but you deal with some very heavy shit. No matter how bad it gets though you not only pick yourself up but you continue to try and pick up the other people who have faltered as well. It is inspiring to know that there are still truly good people out there trying to make the world a little bit better.

To wrap up, thanks for giving me a little inspiration to keep on fighting not only for myself but for the ones I care about"

I should preface with I'm not upset in any way shape of form by this comment, I just want to write about it. 

You are correct sir. I have been a little negative lately. Everyone has their own battle to fight, and everyone is fighting that battle everyday. My battle is not really very horrible at all. Sure, I've lost, lovers, and friends, we all have, and for various reasons. Life doesn't really give up more than we can handle, or it shouldn't anyway, we all find a way to make it though somehow. 

An old boyfriend of mine once said that he appreciated my job, since I pulled really positive things from it. Like ...how people work in interpersonal relationships. Specifically a friend of his who didn't know me came and and ended up getting a dance from me. He told me how he had just broken up with his girlfriend, and he was pretty upset about it. Having my own experiences with relationships it didn't occur to me that men could really be that upset about losing a girlfriend. There are two sides to every story, and at that moment I had only seen things from my side, which was this side of a breakup. It was incredible that a man could love a woman so much and still let her go. It gives/gave me so much hope that someday someone will love me enough to cry on a strippers shoulder about my leaving.

I suppose I see it really frequently in my line of work. Men who absolutely adore their wives, who will talk endlessly about them if given the chance, and maybe that's just it they would like to tell a women (that isn't their wife) they find beautiful and intelligent, who seems slightly unattainable, that they had obtained someone like her, and convinced her to marry him. Most feel their wife is incredible, and not only is she the bees knees, she did something amazing and agreed to have his children. WHOA! It's probably one of my favorite realizations of this job, that men are not all bad, and some of them love unconditionally.

I will remember when I leave this job and move back into a corporate environment, that there is zero reason for a team not to work. Hell I'll remember it next quarter. If 50 women who are all competing to make the most money, based on their looks, their ability to hold a conversation, and a few other totally menial things, can get along without killing one another, and even form incredibly solid friendships, any team can work together. I'm quite sure no other team operates at we do. I'm amazed everyday by the sort of dysfunctional family love that occurs in the strip club.

I have seen the wall of racial barriers fall in a strip club. People from all different backgrounds come together every night and have a great time. Girls defend one another. I always feel like there is someone to catch me if I'm going to fall off my heels there. I would say I'm incredibly lucky to have the experiences I have most of the time. 

I mean mind you it's not sunshine and champagne everyday. Right now there are a bunch of girls who annoy the shit out of me, but that's life, it doesn't keep us from having out lockers right next to each other, or doing double dances, or holding a simple conversation.

He was right, I have found some of the greatest things about people in my little basement of a strip club. I still say that even now, if given the choice knowing that I would go though everything that I've gone though, if I was given a second chance at this, if I would go though with it. HELL FUCKING YES I WOULD. I would do the whole damn thing over again. 

Truth be told I have a great life. I am privileged enough to be able to continue to go to school. I have a couple really good friends. I have a gorgeous baby dog, that cracks me up everyday. An apartment I'm comfortable in and that I love. A family I love and care about. Everyday is good in some way.

I really means a ton to me that you find inspiration in my blog.