"You're the extra ton of cash on my sinking life raft"

You're the good things... One of my favorite songs by modest mouse.

 Recently this comment landed in my inbox. I get a fair amount of mail, wether it be wives asking advice about there husbands, or just general banter. This one, something about this one got me...

"I have to admit I have been reading your blog now since October of last year (long story of how I got here, not important at the moment), and I have to say I am constantly captivated by what you write. That is, the blogs like this one where you seem focused and have a point to the story. The short blurbs about hating your manager are more entertaining than captivating but I digress.

The reason why I am commenting now is that lately I find you really need something positive in your life to happen. Something to show that everything you're doing with your life is not all wasted on idiot people who don't give you the love and respect you deserve. Whether or not you take away a positive from this, do know that you have positively affected my life in small but powerful ways. Everyone has real life "grown up" problems, but you deal with some very heavy shit. No matter how bad it gets though you not only pick yourself up but you continue to try and pick up the other people who have faltered as well. It is inspiring to know that there are still truly good people out there trying to make the world a little bit better.

To wrap up, thanks for giving me a little inspiration to keep on fighting not only for myself but for the ones I care about"

I should preface with I'm not upset in any way shape of form by this comment, I just want to write about it. 

You are correct sir. I have been a little negative lately. Everyone has their own battle to fight, and everyone is fighting that battle everyday. My battle is not really very horrible at all. Sure, I've lost, lovers, and friends, we all have, and for various reasons. Life doesn't really give up more than we can handle, or it shouldn't anyway, we all find a way to make it though somehow. 

An old boyfriend of mine once said that he appreciated my job, since I pulled really positive things from it. Like ...how people work in interpersonal relationships. Specifically a friend of his who didn't know me came and and ended up getting a dance from me. He told me how he had just broken up with his girlfriend, and he was pretty upset about it. Having my own experiences with relationships it didn't occur to me that men could really be that upset about losing a girlfriend. There are two sides to every story, and at that moment I had only seen things from my side, which was this side of a breakup. It was incredible that a man could love a woman so much and still let her go. It gives/gave me so much hope that someday someone will love me enough to cry on a strippers shoulder about my leaving.

I suppose I see it really frequently in my line of work. Men who absolutely adore their wives, who will talk endlessly about them if given the chance, and maybe that's just it they would like to tell a women (that isn't their wife) they find beautiful and intelligent, who seems slightly unattainable, that they had obtained someone like her, and convinced her to marry him. Most feel their wife is incredible, and not only is she the bees knees, she did something amazing and agreed to have his children. WHOA! It's probably one of my favorite realizations of this job, that men are not all bad, and some of them love unconditionally.

I will remember when I leave this job and move back into a corporate environment, that there is zero reason for a team not to work. Hell I'll remember it next quarter. If 50 women who are all competing to make the most money, based on their looks, their ability to hold a conversation, and a few other totally menial things, can get along without killing one another, and even form incredibly solid friendships, any team can work together. I'm quite sure no other team operates at we do. I'm amazed everyday by the sort of dysfunctional family love that occurs in the strip club.

I have seen the wall of racial barriers fall in a strip club. People from all different backgrounds come together every night and have a great time. Girls defend one another. I always feel like there is someone to catch me if I'm going to fall off my heels there. I would say I'm incredibly lucky to have the experiences I have most of the time. 

I mean mind you it's not sunshine and champagne everyday. Right now there are a bunch of girls who annoy the shit out of me, but that's life, it doesn't keep us from having out lockers right next to each other, or doing double dances, or holding a simple conversation.

He was right, I have found some of the greatest things about people in my little basement of a strip club. I still say that even now, if given the choice knowing that I would go though everything that I've gone though, if I was given a second chance at this, if I would go though with it. HELL FUCKING YES I WOULD. I would do the whole damn thing over again. 

Truth be told I have a great life. I am privileged enough to be able to continue to go to school. I have a couple really good friends. I have a gorgeous baby dog, that cracks me up everyday. An apartment I'm comfortable in and that I love. A family I love and care about. Everyday is good in some way.

I really means a ton to me that you find inspiration in my blog. 

Someone said there would be a prince...

 not the artist formerly known as Prince, or Prince, I'm not really sure what his name is now.

I think Walt Disney told me there would be a prince when I was about 5, that all I really had to do was give up my voice, or take a really long nap and he would show up. Well I suppose with enough valuim, I could make it feel like no time had passed at all and I had just been asleep waiting...FAT FUCKING CHANCE I WOULD EVER DO THAT I GOTTA GET OUT THERE, MOVE AROUND.

That being said I don't need no knights in shining armor on their little ponies, I brought my own horse, and I don't ride this thing side saddle. I've been thinking about independence as a woman lately. ONLY because my youngest sister is OBSESSED with romance. Everything is about romance, about finding "the one". I can't actually make fun of her too much because I feel like at that age I probably felt similar. I think it was more the idea that I could escape with "the one" that we would disappear to a far way place where nothing in my boring little life existed. I found out a few years later that I didn't need someone to swoop me up, and take me away from everything, that I could swoop myself up and get on a train alone, and head out to the "lonesome crowded west". That I could work two maybe three jobs, put myself though school, find an odd love of textile art in various forms, have a career and then walk away from it only to start the process again.

When I was 13 I read the series "Dealing with Dragons" the main character is a princess who runs away from her wedding and lives with a female dragon. Different princes attempt to come save her so they can win her hand in marriage. She always brushes them off and if I remember right typically saves their ass (no prince needed) I think when I look at my formable, need a prince, don't need a prince years, reading those books (no joke 14 times) really drove the idea home that I absolutely didn't need a god damn "prince" to do shit for me, and the chances of finding one that wouldn't need me to save them pretty slim.
Truth be told I don't need a man to buy me diamonds, I can and do buy my own damn diamonds. Really every man has disappointed me in relationships. I could go though their blunders and mine, but we would need more time.

I want my sisters to grow up knowing that if they have a dream they should follow it, to never let a partner, or anyone for that matter hold you back. If I had listened to everyone tell me no my whole life, I would be living in Wisconsin doing nothing.

I hope so much that she is more similar to me than she puts on and that it is not the appeal of a man, but the appeal of adventure that drives her. You can get a man anywhere, but an adventure, well sometimes, you need to get on a airplane, train, car, bus, bicycle, motorcycle, or your own two feet, to have one of those, and sometimes I feel like if you settle down you don't get to have those adventures, that you give the adventure a little bit for something a little different like a house. I for one am not exactly ready to give up my adventurer status. At the same time I suppose if one is talking about adventures and partners that you try to find one that is just as up or down for the same adventures as you are.

Promises, Promises, Why do I believe...

A year ago my best friend beat me to the punch. Told my then boyfriend he should break-up with me. Stole my thunder. Why you may ask. Well that little fuck-tard drove to my place so god damn shit faced he couldn't talk, couldn't walk, couldn't speak. So he passed out in my bed, I called him an ass-hole and hit him with a pillow. She told me I had brought violence into it. Maybe she's right, maybe I did, but I think a pillow whilst passed out is a minor offense. This story is not about him. This story is about a whole year...and about her. She promised me she would be there for me in the break-up and that was a bold faced lie. She said she wouldn't answer the phone because she didn't want to be yelled at. My opinion, don't open pandora's box. Anyway...I got though that break-up...alone. Well with the help of one good girlfriend for as long as she could stand me. This whole past year changed my life, it changed my entire trajectory. I had a best friend who I did everything with. I think I can count on two hands the number of times I have seen her in this past year. Something changed. Some sort of small stream was put between us and that small stream turned into a river and that river turned into an ocean. Out of that break-up I am more upset that I lost my best friend, rather than some fucking alcoholic ungrateful coke-head.
In this past year I have run 3 half marathons. Without her saying "I don't want to answer the phone, because I don't want to get yelled at" I would not have had the motivation to run those.
I have pushed though school even when it was a bad idea.
I lost another friend to them being stupid and drunk and calling me a bitch. People that I thought were there for me though thick and thin have disappeared into the night just like the arrived. It's like I'm standing under a street light, watching people walk up to me, having a great time in the glow of that light and then watching them disappear into the night again.
I watched a ex-get married.
I watched the one that got away get engaged.
I came to the conclusion, that I might be happier alone, and that I have a whole lot of work ahead of me if I want to be an adult.
I watched my sisters get a little older.
I acquired something worth coming home to, of the small furry sort.
I made a great running buddy, who I couldn't be more thankful for. Whom has been a greater, help and influence on my life than they may realize.
I've said no countless times.
I've cried more tears than I care to think about.
I've also come across a few men who will cry when you tell them no, or throw temper tantrums, or camp out on my lawn, whatever really suits their fancy. HEY YOU CRAZY SOUTHERN FUCK! MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP JOCKEYING STRIPPERS NUTS (our figurative nuts of course) AND YOU WON'T BE EMBARRASSED SO MUCH. HOPE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOUND OUT YOU ARE OFF YOUR FUCKING ROCKER.
I've gotten in fights.
Every single battle I've encountered this year would have been just a little bit easier if my bestie was there to laugh at it with me.
This weekend was the nail in the coffin. I had been vacillating on wether or not to have her watch my dog. A different friend of mine is thinking of getting a bulldog, and I knew that Bullet (that is her name) had a lot going on. So I thought it would be a good idea to send the dog to my other friend. In my hurry I fogot to tell her. I did my best to make it up to her, I tried to put money in her account which she denied.
She decided that she is completely done with me. Like unfriended on facebook done with me. I feel like this is/was some sort of excuse for the ocean between us. Maybe we really don't have anything in common anymore, maybe I'm disappointed in her for the choices she's made. I mean this women inspired me to go back to school, to always work hard, you use my voice, I am incredibly sad to see her go, over a stupid cancellation. Honestly now that I think about it. She had said she turned down another dog sitting gig to watch my pup. Since when do friends charge you to watch your dog? I've never charged her. Also it's a fucking cancellation in which I tried to pay her. What the fuck is she mad about? She didn't even have to work for that money. If she had another gig come up she should have fucking told me. This whole thing is fucking stupid.
Honestly. There is some unspoken resentment between us. I think I'm really upset and mad at her for what she did a year ago, I forgive her, and I'm mostly over it, but I just haven't trusted her ever since. I'm upset that she dropped out of school. I was so looking forward to one of us having a phd and watching her do something she loves. I'm upset with her for having to quit dancing. I'm mad at her for never acting normal around me again after last year. I understand that, we had a fallout but when you act like a wierdo afterwards how am I suppose to think nothing is wrong. Sure I understand you don't like me yelling at you, maybe you were yelled at as a child, but if you were listening you would understand I'm not yelling at you, I'm just fucking yelling at no one. I'm just yelling to yell, because sometimes if feels fucking awesome to yell, and I have to be so god damn calm all the god damn time that I just want to yell.
I wish from the very bottom of my heart. I had a time travel machine. I would back it up a year, and beat her to the punch. I would walk into where he was getting his liquid breakfast on, and say "You're drunk, it's ten fucking am. I am so done, get your shit out of my house." Then I could have jumped in a car gone to her house, we could have shot bb guns at beer cans and acted like nothing ever happened. She could have been there for the break-up like she promised because it would not have been nearly as hard, it would have been just one more amazing day in paradise. Rather than this fucking bullshit..

vacation all i ever wanted vacation HAVE TO GET AWAY!

Lately I've been bitching a shit ton. I apologize to all if I'm bringing you down, but it's been one hell of a month leading up to vacation. In fact I'm concerned I'm about to jinx myself, as I still have two more days to make it thought. GOD DAMMIT I'M GETTING THOUGH THEM. I think I will feel the most reward if I push though this rather than skipping out early.

I feel like I really need this vacation right now. All the craziness that's been happening at work lately. Some stereotypes surrounding strippers are true, such as a history of abuse (not me) but for some it's very real and lately people have been extremely open with talking about it. I don't know what to say most of the time, it's like when someone dies, and not knowing the correct thing to say.

That being said, internet I need your help. I need to be pointed in the right direction to point these girls towards affordable therapists, or peer counseling, or something, anything really.

Somedays this job is the most emotionally exhausting thing on the planet. I've got douche bags and crazy ass bitches.

FUCK YOU NATE

Nate is the manager I'm sure you've heard me bitch about him before. He's the worst thing to happen to slow nights. It's like, I'm already having a bad night and then this fucker wants an extra 10 bucks. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

In addition some little fuck tard who claimed to own a stripclub in jersey came in and said his girls pull 2500 on a shift. A shift is 2 hours. Mathematically that's not possible when dances are $20. Also if' he's taking half of that he should be able to spend more than $20.

Followed by some turkish guy trying to buy me out, with promises of a car, a house, and a bank account that never goes dry. Sometimes I wish I was a gold digging whore so I could take people up of crazy offers like that.

Why does the whole word think just because I'm a stripper that I can't do math, read, or be generally intelligent or feel that they can pull the wool over my eyes.

FUCK THIS NOISE IT'S OFFICIALLY TIME TO MOVE TO A DIFFERENT CLUB.

Lets talk about random baby lets talk about

me and me, lets talk about all the good things and the bad things that I see.

I want so badly to ace my finals. I need to just study all day tomorrow.

I'm sick and fucking tired of my no longer good friend being out of her fucking mind. You are not fun. Please go back on your meds and quit with the prostitution. I also understand that abuse plays a large role in her life, but I would like her to seek help for it, not spout it off to customers.

NO dear stirriper with a locker close to mine I do not want to go to you drug dealers version of a tupperware party. Thanks for the invite.

I just want to go on vacation.

I want a smoothie.

I want to sleep.

I want to find the fucktard that hit me the other weekend and play a little game of hard candy.

I want another friend of mine to realize that if she keeps complaining she's going to loose all her friends. Sweetie you make your own life, if you don't like it, change it.

I want a better education, a better job, and the same life I have now.

I am literally terrified some days to go back to the "normal" world. Sometimes I don't think I fit in. I know I will find a way to fit in, just as all of my friends have but it's still scary.

I want jeans that fit.

I want a little bit of time for me. I want to not have to care about 100 other people and wether or not I'm going  to hurt their feelings. I want to talk about me sometimes in an un-edited fashion. The thing about that is. I never will.

I want my oldest younger sister to become an engineer. I want my youngest sister to quit being the baby and realize she's a teen and that being a teen is rarely as it is depicted on the disney channel. I want to take them both on vacation.

I DESPERATELY WANT MY STUFFY NOSE TO UNSTUFF SO I CAN GO RUNNING I FEAR I MAY BE DIEING.

I want to know why I am so much more intriguing inside of work, or more beautiful, or anything really. I want to know why people like me better there. I am pretty aware that being in my underware has something to do with it.

I want to stop writing and go to bed so I can get up and study, so I can take my final, so I can go to work, so I can leave on monday for vacation.

On that note...Good night moon.