Promises, Promises, Why do I believe...

A year ago my best friend beat me to the punch. Told my then boyfriend he should break-up with me. Stole my thunder. Why you may ask. Well that little fuck-tard drove to my place so god damn shit faced he couldn't talk, couldn't walk, couldn't speak. So he passed out in my bed, I called him an ass-hole and hit him with a pillow. She told me I had brought violence into it. Maybe she's right, maybe I did, but I think a pillow whilst passed out is a minor offense. This story is not about him. This story is about a whole year...and about her. She promised me she would be there for me in the break-up and that was a bold faced lie. She said she wouldn't answer the phone because she didn't want to be yelled at. My opinion, don't open pandora's box. Anyway...I got though that break-up...alone. Well with the help of one good girlfriend for as long as she could stand me. This whole past year changed my life, it changed my entire trajectory. I had a best friend who I did everything with. I think I can count on two hands the number of times I have seen her in this past year. Something changed. Some sort of small stream was put between us and that small stream turned into a river and that river turned into an ocean. Out of that break-up I am more upset that I lost my best friend, rather than some fucking alcoholic ungrateful coke-head.
In this past year I have run 3 half marathons. Without her saying "I don't want to answer the phone, because I don't want to get yelled at" I would not have had the motivation to run those.
I have pushed though school even when it was a bad idea.
I lost another friend to them being stupid and drunk and calling me a bitch. People that I thought were there for me though thick and thin have disappeared into the night just like the arrived. It's like I'm standing under a street light, watching people walk up to me, having a great time in the glow of that light and then watching them disappear into the night again.
I watched a ex-get married.
I watched the one that got away get engaged.
I came to the conclusion, that I might be happier alone, and that I have a whole lot of work ahead of me if I want to be an adult.
I watched my sisters get a little older.
I acquired something worth coming home to, of the small furry sort.
I made a great running buddy, who I couldn't be more thankful for. Whom has been a greater, help and influence on my life than they may realize.
I've said no countless times.
I've cried more tears than I care to think about.
I've also come across a few men who will cry when you tell them no, or throw temper tantrums, or camp out on my lawn, whatever really suits their fancy. HEY YOU CRAZY SOUTHERN FUCK! MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP JOCKEYING STRIPPERS NUTS (our figurative nuts of course) AND YOU WON'T BE EMBARRASSED SO MUCH. HOPE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOUND OUT YOU ARE OFF YOUR FUCKING ROCKER.
I've gotten in fights.
Every single battle I've encountered this year would have been just a little bit easier if my bestie was there to laugh at it with me.
This weekend was the nail in the coffin. I had been vacillating on wether or not to have her watch my dog. A different friend of mine is thinking of getting a bulldog, and I knew that Bullet (that is her name) had a lot going on. So I thought it would be a good idea to send the dog to my other friend. In my hurry I fogot to tell her. I did my best to make it up to her, I tried to put money in her account which she denied.
She decided that she is completely done with me. Like unfriended on facebook done with me. I feel like this is/was some sort of excuse for the ocean between us. Maybe we really don't have anything in common anymore, maybe I'm disappointed in her for the choices she's made. I mean this women inspired me to go back to school, to always work hard, you use my voice, I am incredibly sad to see her go, over a stupid cancellation. Honestly now that I think about it. She had said she turned down another dog sitting gig to watch my pup. Since when do friends charge you to watch your dog? I've never charged her. Also it's a fucking cancellation in which I tried to pay her. What the fuck is she mad about? She didn't even have to work for that money. If she had another gig come up she should have fucking told me. This whole thing is fucking stupid.
Honestly. There is some unspoken resentment between us. I think I'm really upset and mad at her for what she did a year ago, I forgive her, and I'm mostly over it, but I just haven't trusted her ever since. I'm upset that she dropped out of school. I was so looking forward to one of us having a phd and watching her do something she loves. I'm upset with her for having to quit dancing. I'm mad at her for never acting normal around me again after last year. I understand that, we had a fallout but when you act like a wierdo afterwards how am I suppose to think nothing is wrong. Sure I understand you don't like me yelling at you, maybe you were yelled at as a child, but if you were listening you would understand I'm not yelling at you, I'm just fucking yelling at no one. I'm just yelling to yell, because sometimes if feels fucking awesome to yell, and I have to be so god damn calm all the god damn time that I just want to yell.
I wish from the very bottom of my heart. I had a time travel machine. I would back it up a year, and beat her to the punch. I would walk into where he was getting his liquid breakfast on, and say "You're drunk, it's ten fucking am. I am so done, get your shit out of my house." Then I could have jumped in a car gone to her house, we could have shot bb guns at beer cans and acted like nothing ever happened. She could have been there for the break-up like she promised because it would not have been nearly as hard, it would have been just one more amazing day in paradise. Rather than this fucking bullshit..