Loving you is hard to do.

By you I mean my job. Well it's really not hard because I love my job and I love a lot of things about it. BUT IT IS SO DAMN HARD TO LOOSE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE OVER IT.
When exactly is everyone going to realize I love what I do. I do it often, and I sure as hell am not quitting.
Alright back to the entertainment...
Last night I was headed home, carrying a large duffle bag full of heavy ass stuff, and walked between two men, maybe not my best idea ever, whatever it was either being an art gallery window or traffic, it seemed in my best interest to go right though. Little did I know in that moment I would be part of an attempted tripping and fire lighting. Mind you I wear a very large scarf, I may try to light it on fire someday, but damnit I was so not in the mood. Have any of you every seen bum fights? It was about to be like that expect I was about to fight a bum.
Screaming at someone about fucking manners does not make a person seem dignified. At the moment I felt it totally appropriate screaming that they were motherfuckers that I was about to beat the shit out of because they had no regard towards women, and I had said excuse me.
The man replied with "fuck off wench" Who the hell says wench. Wench, I was acutally insulted by being called a wench. I walked off laughing.
Even though yesterday was one of those rough days where nothing goes right, I left believing that you can still find some humor in a rainy cold seattle evening.

I hate the pop-in

I was walking though the club last night in a haze it's amazing what being tired will do to you. It turns you into a damn zombie, I know a few of you have normal everyday day jobs so it's not a big deal if you leave because you aren't feeling well, but we the strippers have to stay and hustle even if we are super tired. Anyway, I was wearing this great dress, I've been totally obsessed with this black dress lately I look amazing in it.
Anyway I'm making my rounds and all of a sudden I hear "RED" I turn and look and it appears to be this middle aged larger gentleman with glasses and I think it it odd someone like that would yell my name. Sasha see's the confusion on my face and says "No, that guy". I look down and see a tattoo covered arm and scream "OH SHIT". My eyes move up to a very familiar face that is actually smiling at me. This face belongs to my ex, the one that created so much wreckage. Our entire relationship flashed before my eyes, it was like dying.
He looks at me and says "I thought you didn't work wednesdays?" I stammered back "I dont but I'm taking time off soon so I need to try and make up for that." He looks at me and says "It's good to see you panda" I then said hi to his friends and proceeded to walk away to go back to work, and it was at that moment that I realized I might just be too tired to actually function at work. So I left.
I walked straight back to the locker room changed and called him. He agreed to come pick me up. Amazingly nice of him as I'm pretty sure she still thinks I'm bat fucking shit fucking crazy.
I get in the car we start driving up the hill, he looks pissed, the thing is he always looks pissed. He's not really pissed he's just thinking. We turn on to my street I ask him if he wants to meet the baby (dog) he agrees too. He also starts talking about how it's my dog, and it is my dog, I just started talking about getting it while we were together.
We pull up to my place and I run up to get the baby dog. I bring her back down, he just rolls down the window (dick) so I tell him to get out of the car. As soon as he gets out and stands up, mind you he's not huge, my baby freaks out. She big dog barks with a straight up snarl in it, and books for the door. I have never seen her do that in regards to a person. She loves everyone, unconditionally (god she is really the best dog in the whole world I can't wait to finish lunch and get home to her.)
He pecked me good night. I walked in the door breathed out a sigh, I'm proud of him for working on him and I'm glad it's not with me.
I am so happy being single...cue m83 midnight city
I literally sit and listen to this song everyday and stare out the window while i get ready and remind myself how lucky I am to have this live.

If you were my bitch

Let me just clarify I don't mean bitch in a duragatory manner.
There is a dialouge I have with a girl that I work with about once a week it goes a little something like this.

If I were a dude, I would make you my bitch, there is no way I would ever let you go. I mean look at you, you are gorgeous, seriously, those men that have let you walk away are idiots. You are amazing you study, you work, you're independent, shit I hope my son meets a woman like you. I mean really I'm not going to let him be with anyone less. Shit for real I would never let you out of the house. I would make sure you had whatever.

This brings me to my actual point. There are a lot of women that I work with that have a crazy ass schedule and seem to live mostly normal lives "what the fuck is normal"

I went out last night, I know crazy, to a party, a house party, with 30 somethings, not joking, most of them women, that worked in the corporate world. I felt so fortunate to not be scared to talk to strangers, if I had been I would have been dead in the water. I'm standing around with a death grip on my plastic cup of champagne observing everyone, checking out the outfits. As soon as I started looking at what everyone was wearing I started to get self consious, I went with the typical uniform. I wore something from allsaints, and my black boots that have seen better days at this point. Everyone had on their party clothes bright colors everything fitted, and I'm standing their wearing grey and oversized. Most of them full faces of make-up hair done, and me standing there with a quick smear of eyeshadow on and my hair down, then up, then down, then up, and never really done. Lest we forget the entire underneath is fucking purple, Le sigh, thankfully I'm a student so it's okay for me to look like an idiot sometimes. I'm watching them interact and it's so interesting to watch people drink so much so quickly. Strippers do that too, we just typically don't hold up our drinks for photos. The girls that drink are typically trying to convice others that they are sober, so photos wouldn't support that sober image... Then the inevitable happened people started paying attention to me it was like in my head "I need to blend in" I  drank an apple pie shot, put my chicago party hands up, tryed not to feel out of place. Truth is I did, for no specific reason, other than I didn't plan what to wear correctly.

I woke up this morning...In my clothes from last night, sans boots, somehow I still had my socks on. I walked into my living room after putting on approriate house clothes, of running shorts and an old oversized grey sweatshirt (I'm too sexy for this party) to find fellow party goers asleep on my couches and my pole up...sideways (Thankfully no one decided to use that) It was right then I thought. Regardless of the fact that I sometimes don't fit in, and it would have been exactly the same years ago when I came from a corporate place, it was the cool kids of corporate, I still come from a different world. I'm still pretty cool, I can get down with the rest of them even if I'm not "normal". Maybe I will never be normal, even when I'm done with all of this, I don't think "normal" is my thing.

Someday I will have some who rides with me, someone who feels the same way as my co-worker. I also really hope they say stupid shit like that so I can just laugh at them. 

Don't get me wrong I still love my job more than a lot of things, and I wouldn't give it up even for the right guy, because the right guy would never ask me to give up something I love. 

This post was incredibly long and pointless sorry folks just needed to go over last night out loud. 

go to be early and get up late

You go to bed early and you talk to your pillow- Modest Mouse "Whenevere you see fit"

I was thinking today as I was sitting in class how many women I know that do just incredible things, that go to bed late, and get up early. That do the very best they can to provide for their families. Yet sometimes our society doesn't exactly look at we the sisterhood the way that we would prefer to be looked at.
As I was in class today. This young man was practically badgering me to find out what I do for work, and where I work. I was getting so frustrated I almost leaned in and said "Look dickwad, I'm a stripper okay, and that shocked look on your face doesn't bode well for you, so please never look my direction again" Instead I chose the highroad and decided not to say anything at all expect "I dont like people I know coming in, it makes it strange, so lets just avoid that okay"
Sometimes I wish this was portland and I wish it was *okay* to be in this industry, that the world didn't think it was so bad.

I want...

I want birthday cake.
I want fresh stripper shoes.
I want endless amounts of black underwear.
I want lots of water.
I want more red lipstick.
I want great people around me, all the time.
I want a really good year.
I want a great bottle of wine.
I want the girls at work to quit with the cray.
I want people to not run into me because they refuse to pay attention.
I want to go running.
I want to bring my dog everywhere.
I want better handwriting.
I want everyone to play nice with one another.
I want cookies.
I want chinese food and a night on the couch.
I want my laundry to do itself.
I want smart people around me.
I want to not be confused by the tone of text messages.
I want to be successful in my own eyes.

Most of the things I want right now, right this second are completely attainable. It's just a matter of wether or not I go though with them.
Isn't that funny how life works, we "want" so many things, but we don't need much.

I need to apply myself.
I need water.
I need air.
I need 30 seconds of sanity at work.
I need to be smarter.
I need...so little.

Stab

Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes you make them on purpose, so you may learn a lesson on your own. Sometimes you drink peach schnapps in high school because all your friends do it. Sometimes mistakes follow you around for a while and you wonder why exactly they do, if you did something to deserve it.
Really when I look around and I look back and I think about mistakes I've made throughout my life and when they follow me around for a little while I no longer think its because I did something horrible and deserve to be punished for it. With age comes wisdom. At this age it's become a little clearer that it's not that people are jealous, everyone is successful in their own way so they have no reason to be envious of anyone. It's a little more of the misery loves company. Sisters tell me, if one girl in the club is crabby it spreads like the swine flu. Most of the time it's not intentional we are women we talk about whatever is on our mind.
Then there are other times when mean is just spread, it's like a low smoke on the ground that wraps its way around your ankles and works it's way up your legs and you unfortunely breath it in this horrible toxic smoke from a small fire someone decided to start. In my younger years this smoke would suffocate me force me out of this, it would really hurt my feelings. Now...I carry a lot of water and do my best to put fires out.
Recently I inadvertently hurt someone's feelings. I'm not sure who yet I just know I did. I would like to apologize for whatever I did to hurt them. I probably didn't mean too.

Oh and a note on my running. I run because I enjoy it, because it gives me a moment to put my thoughts in order. Are there benefits of running, of course, I have massive lung capacity, am I losing weight? I don't know, I don't own a scale, much like I don't own a tv. I just base it on how I feel and right now I feel really good, about all the things I have accomplished even if I have come to this point of acceptance in an unconventional way.

Please excuse all my silly reflections it happens every year.

Birthday count down.

I made a big huge sarcastic greedy list and thats not who I am so...

I really would love a nice email saying you appreciate my blog. You all are more than welcome to make a donation at any time. Shoot me an email and we can figure out a way to make it happen.
All that being said. I really appreciate all the great emails I've had lately and the very nice comments people have left.

Why don't you go do some coke...stripper

These words said to me as I was walking away from someone last night sent me into a blind rage, it's been a long time since I have found myself screaming at someone on the floor explaining to them that I run too much to put shit like that up my nose. As they retort I could just put it in my veins. As I continue to scream "Stripper is not synonymous with drug addict, as you apparently are one!" in the back of my head I'm thinking about an ex boyfriend who had a little coke problem who's eyes would not track correctly when he was high so he could never hide it.

To think this all started with him making the mistake of reaching out to grab my breast while I was talking to his roommate. We all know that I have my boundaries and I stick with them pretty tightly. As I tried to very calmly explain that it was not acceptable to touch me like that he replied with "you're a stripper what do you expect, especially with titties like those" *Let the rage begin* I'm proud of what I do. I don't think that my job gives anyone a pass to treat me like less of a human especially in my house (the club). I lost my temper started yelling at him to fuck right the fuck off, as he was a disrespectful ignorant piece of shit. Maybe I went too far. I doubt it.

An interesting thing happens in the middle of this, management walks up behind him getting ready to back me up and I tell them I'm fine and I can handle this. I could I had it under control. I like that people believe me, that they know I'm not going to make a total ass of myself just an ass.

As we are reaching the end of this conversation this little shit fucker and I, as he class me "just a stripper" one last time I ask him what he does. He says he throws rebar for a living. I ask him how that makes him better than me. He says it doesn't. I state then if I'm a fucking stripper you are just ad addict throwing metal, I'm sure you are much more than that so live up to your potential. I walk away.

I think this job has mellowed me out. Previously I would have been slamming that fuckers head back berating him for his poor life choices and reviewing the fact that I'm a great cook, I run practically every damn day, I'm working on an accounting degree, reminding him how low he should feel. Instead somewhere in my iced up grinch heart I found the right thing to say about living up to your potential.

You can still see the forest though the heart surgeries

There is a gentleman that comes in, who has had countless heart surgeries. Lately I have been a little reclusive trying to figure out exactly what I'm doing. I have been spending my time with people who I don't think view me as a real person. Anyway forest. Forest is this incredible person, maybe I shouldn't say his name in a blog. Anyway he so kindly reminded me that the world could be so much worse. Not that I think the world is bad. I typically try to convoke people that the world is great. He and I were talking about heart surgeries and the amount of time he has spend in the hospital. The type of girls he dates. I don't know why but I have a current fascination with who people are attracted to and why. Maybe it's my own lacking in that part of my life that drives me to know what it is about other people.
Anyway as I'm sitting here writing this a man sitting next to me is talking about his mother who has a drug addiction, who went to law school on welfare, passed the bar, and sadly can't kick the habit.
People and their success amaze me everyday, this is one of those strange places where you can work really hard and make things happen. Sometimes we take different paths to end up at the same end point.