I'm waiting to fall asleep...because I have so much studying to do I think I should just wake up in the morning and do it.
I'm waiting for a phone call...6 hours later, it's safe to assume that phone call is not coming.
I'm waiting to get over this anxiety...of finals, and not knowing, and feeling uncertain, and the feeling of anxiety that comes with not feeling incredibly stable.
I'm waiting to be better...to be better, to be a better person, that can handle situations better. I felt I was doing so good, I hadn't lost my temper, but apparently tears make one seem unstable and not worth working with.
I'm waiting to go running...because it's finals and I need to study and I need to sleep, and i need to run, because I have a race. I need more time in the day.
I'm waiting for my future...because the present is crushing me.
I'm waiting for the sun...because god dammit i'm fucking tired of the rain and the gloom and the feeling of clouds.
I'm dreading the winter. Please see above.
I dread the time it will take for me to finish this degree, because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in the time I've been in school.
I dread a piece of the future that feels like a small chunk of porcline being thrown at a car window. Something so small, and so insignificant but at the same time it's going to shatter my world, and I'm going to have to wait for it to repair.
I'm waiting to quit this job, even though I know that it will be a long time till I make money like this. Maybe my best friend was right maybe I should live frugally and save so I can have something to remember this by in the future. At the same time I think what if I never make any money again. What if this, these years are the best my life will ever be and I don't enjoy them because I'm waiting.
I'm waiting for the right one to catch my drift. I was reminded this week of Charlotte york in a satc episode where she says something along the lines of "I've been dating for 15 years where is he" and I wondered if I had let him go, or maybe if this job and my promise to myself to stay single while I do this is really doing damage. I wouldn't wish dating a stripper on anyone, not ever so I know it's my own fault but damn I am fucking lonely.
I combat the idea of being so damaged that I'm not enough for someone everyday with "I go to school, I work, I run, I have a dog, I pay my own way...always...even to a fault...and I did on dates when I went on them, I always paid" lately though the idea of being damaged goods has come up so often that I'm almost wondering if it's true. I wonder if my lack of ability to work with someone totally insane on a group project is really so horrible. A friend told me I hate women. I don't hate women. I really like them. I wish I had more female friends I just don't have time. There will be more on the crazy woman I had to work with later. Something tells me to get the fuck out of bed everyday, and it's not just a baby dog. Apparently I still hope that eventually someday, someone will get me, but until that day, god dammit stripping is a lonely job.
If it's unclear I'm feeling a little down, it will all pass over soon enough so no one panic I swear I'm fine I just wanted to complain a little bit.
You are a good person.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't broken.
You will make good money.
Enjoy school while it lasts.
Hey Red,
ReplyDeleteBeen reading your blog for a while now and i wish i could just give you a good big hugs to ease your pain. There are good people out in the world that dont care if your a stripper and like/love you for who you are and not what you do. The ones that cant understand that your not what you do are not worth your time or love. I expect to be back in seattle in march (on my birthday even) and hope to find you when i come and give you the hug. (Virtual Hugs to you!!!)
The rains may come and darkness flows but sun rise clears the hearts of doubt and soon the seeds in your heart with bloom and all will be right with the world.
Flavon
Hope you are feeling better about things. I know it can get overwhelming, but always remember that there are people who you help because you listen and are interested. The all-too-few moments I've spent around you meant a lot.
ReplyDelete* I know that this is an old post and that these feelings may have passed but I've read this a few times in your blog so I'll go ahead and comment. *
ReplyDeleteRed, I wish I could offer you some encouragement, but all I can say is that you just need to get through school and then worry about stuff.
In some cultures, dating is frowned upon until people have finished schooling so that they don't waste their academic time on silly things like love.
I've seen you, and watched you in the club. I know that different people have different tastes in who they find desirable, but I doubt you will ever have a problem with men coming to you. The problem for you will just be separating the wheat from the chaff. It's possible that the one you find, might have an issue with Red The Stripper, versus Red The Human Being, and if he does, then it really is his loss, and he will miss out on being with an incredible woman.
As for our wonderful weather? A few years ago, I wasted a whole summer dreading the coming winter. I really wanted to move somewhere where it wasn't cloudy eight months out of the year. I mean, I like rain. I loved it as a kid, and to a degree I still enjoy rain. I just don't like a cloud covered sky. Either be blue or rain!
And it was just that one summer. I still would rather have it either be blue or rain though. Grey skys day after day suck!
Take care Red.
Hi Red! I have just started reading your blog and must that among all the "stripper blogs" that I have googled yours is by far the most intelligent and well written. So why am I googling "SBs" you might ask? Well for starters I am looking into entering this career for short term monentary gain and...to improve my own self esteem and to gain empowerment. Currently I am dieting and working out to get into the shape I want. Do you have any wisdom or advice for me? My email is sweetsparrow88@gmail.com I would be greatful for any thoughts or advice you have to offer me...a newbie-working-towards-being-a-sexy-empowered (woman) stripper! Thanks a lot Red (btw you are beautiful...at least from the neck down!! Lol ;) that's all I can see from your pics!!) Sincerely Brit
ReplyDelete