Silent but deadly

I wish this was about farts sadly it's myself imbibing myself with how mother fucking sad I've been the last few months. Don't ever have your home disappear it blows chunks... and I need to get over it I know however it's forced me to go through all my shit like old journals holy crap have I been dumb in the past...
A friend of mine posted on Instagram the other day that words can be weapons but silence can be mass destruction. It's so true I feel as a woman thinking back to all the times I was questioning my relationships it was the silence that killed me. The silence that answered all my questions. Actions speak louder than words. The times people pulled away disappeared didn't answer my calls gave me the most solid answers even though I didn't want to admit it at the time. I made so many excuses for people, they must be busy, they are taking a nap, they left their phone at home.
The truth is he just wasn't that into me.
I made up a rumor once that I broke up with someone so people would quit blaming him for my actions, I told him about it just so he would know, he was like okay I'll just tell them we were from different worlds and we are still friends. I remember thinking at the time how easily the words came out of his mouth. I told him not to say that because it felt too real. I didn't realize at the time how real it was. We all learn from things. I wish the me now could go back to early stripper me and tell myself just to let things be. That I walked into a different world with different rules that I didn't know. That you can't hold on to people the same they don't look at you the same. You are more disposable as a stripper, you don't have the same feelings as everyone else. We are rejected every night so many times I feel like the people we choose to try to be with think that rejection in our real life should be easy. That much like the strip club when you sit down with someone and they don't say much to you it means you should move on. That maybe we will just move on happily to the next person and rejection isn't so bad. 
I feel like dealing with the home thing is like rejection, this thing I loved so much and put so much of myself into that I could always escape to told me to get the fuck out so rudely and I've been wandering around aimlessly since then. I've been sleeping to much, which means I don't eat enough which means my kitchen never gets used and I'm about to pull a sjp in an SATC and start putting sweaters in my oven.
On the other hand I'm pretty persistent at work even when told no. I'll sit down and have a chat and at the end of it they might change their mind...why because I'm hilarious and awesome. Also I can find the good in everyone, or something good about them. Maybe I just need more good focusing than bad. 

Sorry for being sad, but damn it's hard to be a gangster.