the man the myth

the go fuck yourself... yup that's right I said it. I'm not into you. So stop trying to take me home you fuck, I don't care how big your dick is, you don't have the money and I really don't have the time. Another day in the life of Red.
It all started out cheery tonight, I went in with a great attitude because last night was amazing, I returned someones wallet without even opening it, that's a pretty big deal if you ask me. So here I am thinking tonight is going to be even better, and it starts out great with some private wealth management dude just paying me to talk to him. Odd as we were talking about the debt ceiling. I love those guys! As soon as I get up to go hustle it's like a fucking storm happens.
EVERY GOD DAMN PERSON TELLS ME NO! I was like are you serious? Really tonight? You are going to tell me no. Do I look fat or something? No no I do not, how do I know some super crazy muscle dude who could literally bench me with one arm tells me I look super solid and that I must work out a ton. It was just a jacked up night. Everyone but me was making millions. WHATEVER!
Then I had the end of the night douche canoe get a champagne room try to get me to go home with him. GAH when will you kids ever learn that unless you have goo gobs of money I'm not going anywhere.
Thanks.

Short stories

I sit down on a man's lap one night, he claims to be a physician, as he asks me about my boobs. Then he proceeds to bounce me on his lap and say boingy, boingy, boingy, I walk away. Dumbass.
It's my last night at work in Seattle, I decide to dance with someone I would not normally dance with, knowing full well they are going to try and touch me (those of you in the know, know it's a bad idea). He trys to touch me. I get up to tell him he's a douche canoe, he stands up to counter me. I slam him against the wall and not so nicely explain to him that I'm not a fucking prostitute and I won't go to jail for him and I don't give a fuck if he's a programmer he doesn't have enough money to even get close to me. This is when Cam walks over and has her shoe raised to hit him. I love teamwork.
You know we are going to fight when we take our shoes off those things are damn weapons.
One night, also in Seattle a gentleman decides he wants to sit on my stage, I kick him off. He then proceeds to stand up and taunt me. I kicked him in the chest, there may have been blood, last time I checked that shit was a biohazard. Biohazard is a word you can't really argue with, it's like I don't care what happened he has to go.
Every time I take my clothes off I'm told I have a great body, every time I laugh on the inside.
Also just for the record, what I'm really thinking about when I give a dance is...god I hope my shoes don't break. Does this dude realize how hard this is to do in heels? I wonder if he cares that I'm sweating my ass off, followed by hypercrush lyrics..."If the club gets hot then air it out" All the things I should have done that day. Most importantly HOW THE FUCK DO I SELL CHAMPAGNE ROOMS, BECAUSE THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER IF THERE WERE FOOD AND DRINKS!

I get all the girls, I get all the girls.

Mildly true, anyone that knows me knows that I danced to Calvin Harris in Seattle a ton, like so much to the point that I wanted to knock the dj out every time he played that or "Whip My Hair" or "Pop the Glock" I thought to myself on many occasions how much I hated our dj, that is until I came to chicago. I hate the dj here and he hates me back, I swear he only puts me up to butt rock. Mind you I have a nice ass but I can't get my Philly ass shake down to Eddie Vedder, mind you I hate Eddie as well. He ruined that whole movie "Into the Wild" for me, actually that movie was just straight up disturbing anyway. Anyway, my distain for this dj goes a long way, he doesn't even say hi to me when I check in with him he just seems annoyed. Here's my thing Mr. Dj man I FUCKING TIP YOU YOU SHIT BAG ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS SAY FUCKING HI TO ME! I can totally deal with music I would not choose to dance to. Holy crap, sometimes the people I work with on a daily basis drive me totally insane.

Plastic guy

Before we begin, privacy settings are awesome! It's like the new way to avoid people I have no idea why I have never thought to customize them before. LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER! OH MY GOD LIKE WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS I NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AT THEM AND THEY NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AT ME! FUCK YES!
There was a gentleman that came in the other night, I'm going to call him plastic guy. He is a chemical engineer that creates plastics. He was hilarious. I find two kinds of patrons to be absolutely hilarious. Chemists and Patent Attorneys. Some times I find the Finance folk funny but their humor is few and far between. Anyway Plastic guy is hilarious, he kept going on and on about water bottles, and what a waste they are, and how that's basically all landfills are made of. Which started me thinking about the fact that bottled water is a luxury (one that I personally enjoy, but I do prefer it out of glass) and the fact that golf courses are built on landfills. It's funny the way things work.
So plastic guy only bought a couple of dances but he was so nice, and hilarious. I have strangely enjoyed having a new client base in Chicago.
At the same time I can't wait to go back to seattle and see my old peeps.