you know because it's 5/12 of the way though the year.
So I've decided after a rough start to my year that I am giving up drama. I am getting rid of everyone who brings drama into my life, or likes drama, or anyone who is a drama magnet. I officially refuse to participate in these ridiculous childish games anymore.
I am absolutely appalled with myself as of late and the behavior I have put up with as of late, it's like all of a sudden I'm a doormat and for no real good reason. I've just been putting up with. I am no longer putting up with people playing games, or having insecurities that they project on to me, and then guilt trip me into what the fuck ever. Maybe I need to move my locker, maybe that will fix everything. Dais, I'm not talking about you...just so you know.
I am pushing away the people have been creating drama, or keeping themselves close to it in order to create some sort of excitement in their lives. I wish I could quit being so vague about things...BUT I CAN'T! GOD DAMN I WISH I COULD SPEAK FREELY BUT I FUCKING CAN'T OH MY GOD!
I am going to do my best to remind people that I didn't start this job to make friends, and I will not put up with the nonsense that has been coming my way, I don't care if I have to cut people off in the middle of their sentences, saying good-bye, and walking away.
I am also going to start speaking my mind and being myself...after this blog post. I swear.
I know this is going to sound totally crazy since I'm sure everyone already believes that I'm incredibly selfish already, but I'm not, contrary to popular belief, and I really do my best to try to make everyone else really happy. So much so that I've started getting panic attacks, because I have no time for myselfSO...I'M GOING TO START BEING ACTUALLY FACTUALLY SELFISH. Another 5/12 of the year resolution, I'm going to start doing what is best for me, and things that will make me happy, I literally need to quit worrying so much about everyone else so damn much. The rest of this year or at least until November is going to be solely about me.
I am going to focus more, and care less about wether or not it upsets people that I am unavailable to hang out with them. I WILL STAY HOME AND WATCH SEX AND THE CITY IF I WANT TO. I am only going to hang out with people that actually make me happy. I am tired of putting other peoples feelings before mine, I mean it's not bad to think about other people of course, but really, I really put so many people before me all the time, people who make it very clear that I mean very little to them.
I am so glad that apple added a block caller feature to their ios. I'm gonna put that puppy to work...Monday.
MAN does it feel good to get some shit off my chest.
Sorry excuse my personal life rant...As always thanks for reading, and I will do my best to post more frequently.
Red, I really appreciate everything you do share and rant about no matter what it's about. This one in particular is very much how I have been feeling lately myself and fully understand where you are coming from. Maybe this is a place you have to be vague to keep the world from knowing the specifics of what you mean (and if I am one of the reasons for that I do apologize) but make sure you have someone you can vent your full frustration on so it doesn't tear you up inside.
ReplyDeleteBeing selfish is not a bad thing, you need to look after you first. Take more time for you and the things that make you happy as you deserve it. It sounds weird but people seeing you happy and the good energy that you will give off from you being happy will do more good then any vent/rage/blow-up talk. I hope you find your happy place again as I am going to find mine!
Crazy Canadian
I'm concerned about you. It sounds like a lot of stress has been creeping into your life lately.
ReplyDeleteThere are two kinds of selfish, the kind which is abusive to others and the kind which you are talking about, being there for yourself.
It isn't bad to make sure you are happy. Too many people rely on others for too much of their happiness and it usually has disastrous consequences.
As for the panic attacks, I can't relate as I haven't ever had one. I have had friends who went through them. I think the most success my friends have had dealing with it came from a few things. First, have someone to call who will just listen. Second, have a ritual of taking time to worry, which helps break problems into more manageable pieces and gives time to figure out which problems are really important. Finally, one of my friends carries a token (a piece of jade) that he has associated with being calm. I sometimes see him rubbing it with his thumb.
It is good to re-evaluate what people in your life bring and take. Keep those who bring a lot and leave those who take too much. Either their behavior will change and you will reconnect, or it won't and the loss will be welcomed.
Well, everybody deserves to be happy. That includes you. It's not being selfish. Trying not to hurt anyone else along the way is tricky but sometimes it happens even with the best of intentions. Stay true to yourself and you beliefs. I'm sure you are a good person (even though I don't know you - sometimes it's better to get the opinion of a random joe). Laters.. S COLIE.
ReplyDelete