too nice...OR I HATE MY JOB TODAY.

I think there is a point where I quit being me and I started being too nice, looking back I can pinpoint a couple of times when I really went out of my way to care about people and their feelings and keep from hurting them. Even this last week, I had someone text me some really mean stuff, how they will never trust a woman again, who I used them for money, how I think this is all a game, how I used this person, lied to them, lead them on, how I made them feel worthless, previously they have said I inspired them to end their life, this person decides once every week at some point to tell me that they are walking out of my life. I worry about them so much that, I try and convince him to stay, I worry that if I'm not keeping an eye on them who will... that they spent x number of dollars on me and x number of dollars in gifts, and that I should feel really bad for it, that accepting these things was totally wrong and I never should have. I'm really tired of this shit. I'm tired of people putting there personal well being on me.

Why is it that considering my profession where I do accept peoples money and I do accept gifts, it's how I make a living,(every single dollar I am extremely grateful of), why is it expected of me to feel bad for accepting it? I can't force people to spend money on me? I mean I wish I could I wish I could make people do it and then at the same time I magically wouldn't feel bad about it. There have been times over the course my my job where I have known how much money people have all together or how much money they make, and I will deny them dances after a certain number so they don't spend more than they should(i.e. the gentleman that smokes Newport's and lives off of unemployment, who doesn't have money to fix his truck so he walks to the club, I don't dance for him anymore, and when I did before I found out he was choosing dancing over himself I had a 2 dance max)...That's a pretty big deal I think, I don't think there are a lot of other dancers that do that.

My immediate reaction when they text me that they spent so much money on me was...*SHIT I SHOULD HAVE PUT ALL OF THAT IN AN ACCOUNT SO I COULD RETURN IT RIGHT NOW* that has happened a couple of times, more than anything I've wanted to return money to custys just so they wouldn't have that as ammo, especially this person...They are so mad at me for not dating them, I really am not in  a place where I can date anyone, I need to focus on me right now. I said that to them and they brought up that I previously dated them, and how they were mad that I chose that person over them, which makes me a liar...even though it was quite some time ago that we dated. They also said..."we could have worked on it" what is there to work on together if I need to work on things by myself? I'm trying to protect this person from me hurting there feelings, and they just kept pushing and pushing...I'm like JEEZUS do you want me to just destroy your feelings all together? I mean really why can't people see that I'm trying to protect them from dating a stripper?

I've said so many times I wouldn't wish dating a stripper on anyone. I mean really I don't get home till 4am. I flirt with how many men a night. I need to take a shower when I get home. I hate men at times, I don't understand why they are so rude or bone headed at times...Also why does it not occure to you/them that I'm not a stripper all the time, I don't wear sexy underwear all the time, I don't wear heels all the time, and I'M NOT A GOD DAMN THERAPIST ALL THE TIME, I'M NOT YOUR GOD DAMN MOTHER, I'M NOT NURTURING ALL THE TIME, I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME. I DON'T LIKE ALL THE THINGS YOU DO. I KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DON'T LIKE ANYTHING THAT I DO...HOW DO I KNOW BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ASKING YOU QUESTIONS ENDLESSLY!

IT'S MOMENTS LIKE THIS I FUCKING HATE MY JOB!!!!