lost and found

How many of these do I have to write before I believe myself...enough to change how I feel, hopefully this one sticks, I think it will it feels like I've taken enough time off and enough time for myself to really believe in myself this time...Also Insomnia rules.

For months I have been losing my mind, losing my grip, losing myself, losing everything, so tonight over cookbooks, whiskey and a pickelbacks, and my beloved sex and the city, I hashed it out with myself, and like all relationships it wasn't exactly easy to face the facts of whats really going on, and what's really upsetting me. I was looking at photos from when I was making so much money I could fly out in a few hours to just about anywhere and not give a fuck about what I spent, now I'm thinking about if I should even be buying this coffee I didn't sign up to be broke...I digress. I was my happiest then, I was the chubbiest i had been I didn't care that my teeth were not LA sized, I thought I could conquer the world and I could. I had broken it off with my fiance who had decided to date and marry his ex, I was dating one of the hottest guys on the hill, I was going out all the time, I was in pdx almost every other weekend, I was having the time of my fucking life, my best friend was by my side, I could take on the fucking world...Fast forward, I'm 30 count em pounds lighter, the hottest I've ever been, I've had a few knocks in the love department, I have a scorched apartment, a new one with a downstairs neighbor who has given me a complex about walking inside, I waddle like a champ in heels let me tell you, I have an estranged custy who once told me how much he had spent on me and then told me I shouldn't have accepted any of the money and I was a bad person for doing so, that I should ahve known better and turned it down. Mind you ever time I walk into work I think about this and I think that I might hurt someone else's feelings...I can't do my job right now...or right then I should say. I have lived in constant fear that I'm going to ruin someones day. This is ruining my lively hood. My job is not to worry about if i'm going to ruin people, it's about making people feel better, and feel like they mean something, to feel alive forget about their day no one wants to talk about what they fucking do for a living and no one fucking believes me when I say "oh...that's so interesting do you like what you do?" I used to tell the crudest jokes and I used to be so god damn hot...Now I'm just frumpy, with no confidence and I keep comparing myself to stupid fucking Philly. Fuck that bitch, more on her later...hey all press is good press and that bitch needs more Instagram likes or her 10k boobs do.
Anyway, today is a new god damn day, I'm the same old red, only I'm the old, old red, I'm done being frumpy red that bitch can die, and I'm here to say in the words of Eminem "Will the real slim shady please stand up and put one of his fingers on each hand up and be proud to be out of his mind and out of control and one more time as loud as it goes...I'm the real slim shady yes I'm the real shady..." So if you have been telling me I'm a bitch and I should care about your feelings when you've made it clear you don't care about mine and proved to me that i am just an object and one you want to be equivalent to a rolex GO FUCK YOURSELF, THE BITCH IS BACK, SHE'S GOT A FLASK IN HER BAG AND SHE'S DONE BEING BROKE AND SCARED AND UGLY. So if you aren't on my team, my bench, or cheer squad, or sitting in  my section, go the fuck home, you have better things to do then worry about me, because I can't take care of anyone else if I'm not taking care of myself, and I've spent way to much time avoiding mirrors, deflecting compliments, and telling people it's okay to not get dances with me and that telling me I'm interesting is enough.
I told Co. Last week I was going to wake up and today was going to be different, and she told me change doesn't happen over night, and that she hate L for whatever he fucking did (which was call me ugly, yup ugly no joke, I"M NOT FUCKING UGLY YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT, YOU AND YOUR HORRIBLE PERSONALITY ARE, YOU WERE HOT WHEN YOU CARED ABOUT SOMEONE, WHEN YOU CARED ABOUT EVEN YOURSELF BUT NOW YOU GIVE ZERO FUCKS, CONGRATS. ) and I laughed and told her she was wrong, she was right it took me a week to comes to grip with the whole thing again and realize that I was so over this bullshit.
Anyway, I'll be working tonight, bring champagne lets celebrate the return or red.