It's cozy down here...

Preface...Thank you all for sticking with me, through all of it.

This weekend something crazy happened...I found the bottom of feeling bad, I know I've been whining about it for months now...Literally, and I had no idea how to change it. I'd been having things that seemed like panic attacks when I would leave work, or when I arrived at work, I was scared to talk to anyone, I started thinking of all my flaws when I approached people at work. I hadn't been sleeping very much, because I've been trying to be a super hero and get everything done, spend time with people blah, blah, blahThat's right everyone Red, was scared to talk to people.

So last night...I snapped, I lost it, I was totally inconsolable. I was just walking around crying, sitting and crying. It was awful. It all started from some kid from Dubai telling me that he didn't want a dance because he wasn't there to dance he was there to fuck...for less than $20. It clicked something in my mind, and replayed all the times in the past few months and men had told me that they didn't think a dance was worth $20, and there was no value in it to them. Which in my dumb, dumb, stripper brain translated too...YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. (Which is absolutely not true at all, of course I am worth it.)  I started laughing at him, and shaking him a little bit, it occurred to me that his english was not the best, and sadly started telling him how much he hurt my feelings and how upset I was that some smelly kid with bad hair and bad breath didn't think I was good enough, that I work out all the time, and I go to school, and I wear a DDD cup bra or for the rest of the world a F cup and a great ass, and long gorgeous hair. I looked so crazy, SO FUCKING CRAZY. He laughed, and laughed as I was talking about how upset I was, and doubled checked to make sure he didn't understand me. I suppose that's one of the joys of this job, sometimes you can say crazy shit and no one hears you.

The momentary water works started then. I pulled it together. Moved on.

Then I went and asked another gentleman for a dance and he turned me down for someone else, which is totally fine, she's very sweet, but I really didn't understand at that moment why I was being turned down for others left and right. I KNOW, I KNOW, DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS. That's totally fine, I understand.  As a friendly reminder I look like this...

I'm the one on your left..

I also look like this...

...just in case you were curious.

THEN, THEN, I TOTALLY lost my shit. I started crying, and crying, and talking about how I didn't understand what was wrong with me, and why I wasn't good enough, or why I wasn't attractive enough, smart enough, witty enough. As I'm crying about how awful I feeling, I'm noticing who is trying to console me and who is walking past and not saying anything. That totally made everything worse, I started thinking about how many people I have comforted when they are crying. SILVER LINING NUMBER ONE FIGURING OUT WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE. So I keep crying like a girl.

I SWEAR IT GETS BETTER FROM HERE AND I BASICALLY QUIT WHINING.

Eventually I realize I totally need to pull it together and try to make some money. So I slam a glass of wine (bad idea...sort of) and hit the floor. A little liquid confidence is needed sometimes. I walk up to this gentleman (all bleary eyed and fuzzy post cry vision, and a little wine brain). I introduce myself to him, and his friend heckles him into getting a dance with me. Just as we sit down for a dance, it occurs to me that know this man, we had really long conversations together, and he rarely buys dances, so all of a sudden I'm really confused, and my confidence has totally returned. This man on various occasions has said that he believes in me, and my dreams, and my love of art, and interest in investing. One time months and months ago we were talking about TED talks, as we were talking about this, he gave me one of the greatest compliments I have ever received, he said "I would love to hear you give a TED talk, I think it would be great".

I went home, watched some crappy tv, and went to bed. I woke up this morning still feeling like shit. So I snuggled my puppy, closed my blinds and slept for most of the day. I woke up around 4 snuggled my puppy some more. I started to think about the previous day, and how everything went down, and I started thinking about my new years resolutions, one of them was really important and it is... that I take better care of myself, that I start being nice to myself, that I quit beating my self up when I'm not perfect in someone else's eyes. I've always been good enough, which is why I felt like I would be a great Stripper because of my confidence.
Somehow my confidence was lost recently, and I know it takes more than one day of sleeping in to regain it but...I thought, and thought, and thought, and I'm going to be just fine. I'm still me, I'm still here, I'm still all the things I toot my own horn about.
So tonight I went to work, and I was me again, shark walk and all, I reminded myself I can't be anyone else except for myself, which is really who I need to be. I've been wondering so much lately why it seems people don't like me and that's why, I must seem so fake lately. So tonight I went back to being me, and tomorrow I'm going to keep being me, in every aspect of my life, and stop trying to be someone else. SOOOOOOOOOOOO identity crisis is over.

That's the nice thing about finding the bottom, the only way to go is up. Here is to a new year, and an old me, and returning to being the person I love.

Thank you all for sticking with me, through all of it. Reading all my whining, although I don't know all of you personally, but I really appreciate you.