Things I don't talk about...and what I want for my birthday....

So...This week I shot a poster for work, crazy, I'm a little worried how it came out. It's not like a showgirl of the month thing, it's like a hey...this is going to be here for a while kind of thing, which is a little crazy...This is a terrible post about nothing.

I also hate writing this shit it makes me sound like a super greedy bitch, and just weird, about as weird as the other day when someone said "you're kind of famous" then really wanted to talk to me. I guess that's what I signed up for however...so yay me. No seriously, I mean yay, but no to being a greedy bitch.

So everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday and to just put in on my amazon wishlist...which I'm not doing so you have to look here...You can send everything to my job...little darlings in downtown seattle. I'm sure you can google the address or leave me a note.

Okay things to get....
SOMEONE PLEASE PAY FOR MY YOGA CLASSES! I will be forever grateful, like seriously, I would love to have my hot yoga paid for. I guess I'm more into experiences.

Go really big and get me some plane tickets or does delta make a gift card? I would happily take that too.

If you want to get something I can actually touch I still love allsaints.

I legit need a new purse, well two purses really I need one that I can carry that's a little bigger than my clutch and the other one needs to carry my laptop.

Now watches, I already know that I'm late all the time, however shoes, shoes I could use, and if I ruin them while walking it wouldn't matter.

Everything hot victoria secret has. For some reason I still feel like I have nothing to wear to work.

Ohhhh a ton of leggings make by onzie, but only for yoga, not for actual wearing out. I hate when girls wear work out clothes and don't work out.

Dating a stripper....again.

Apparently this is a very popular topic...I thought I would right this from our point of view however instead of how to date one. Mind you I'm super biased since I'm single and most of these reasons, are the ones I stay single, and I'm perfectly happy rolling solo.

1. Dating is hard, just in general dating is one of those things that takes a lot of work, and effort, and I mean even getting into a relationship, you have to go out and meet people and you have to sit there and think while they are trying to eat salad in a sexy way if you could potentially sleep with them...try picuturing someone eating salad in a sexy way, it doesn't work.
Now take your normal dating issues, throw some 8" heels and a shit ton of glitter on them and make them one billion times worse, that is what dating is like for us, harder than normal. It's dating on viagra really.

2. We see things in a very realistic manner, you aren't going to think we are beautiful forever, and eventually want to go elsewhere, the issue with this is we don't really care, we know that our job exists for that reason, the issue here is anyone we date is going to think that and then compare themselves to the men we dance with and ultimately they are going to think they come up short. They forget pretty often that we are coming home to them.

3. When I started dancing dating seemed feasible, and easy in a way, you go out you have some drinks you trick a guy into talking about how strippers are totally broken, then boom you drop it on them mid sip thats how you spend your time, this was a favorite date past time of mine for a while. Now the idea of telling someone after I've had enough people get up and leave is a little more daunting, not that I don't love my job, and I'm not proud of it because I am.

4. Which leads me to the next issue of who they are actually dating, I find most of the time they are dating who they perceive me/I/myself/ Red to be, who is this crazy stripper person, not someone who's hobbies including running and statistics, or they date me because I can pay for things. Most of the time people want to date the idea of who I am, the thing is I'm always me, my personality is my personality, but we(the strippers) don't always want to be on...unless you happen to be giving us money hand over fist, then we will giggle over a cocktail till the cows come home.

5. I find that this job has gotten me F'z'd on more than one occasion, and maybe it's as Seven says something about "loving like a thug" we don't have "normal" girl emotions we kind of deal with things like guys do. Maybe that makes us way easier to be friends with, or maybe it's because we have access to a ton of hot half naked girls, or maybe it's because dating a stripper is on of the hardest things you could ever do, and it's why I like being single.

6. Not only is being friend zoned a thing we have to worry about or they idea you choose, but the fact that we are more disposable than most girls, we look awesome on your arm, we make you look better than a popped collar (because you're the fucking man and everybody fucking knows it). However the majority of guys I talk to would much rather marry the average girl than the super hot girl the super hot girl is a risk. Now take the hot girl and give her a ton of options, and all the options are tripping over themselves for her. Which brings us back to reason 2. I guess these all are one big long reason.

7. Time, we have so many watches but can't tell time, unless it's time to work, then we are procrastinating like we don't want to go, till we actually want to go, then there isn't enough time in the world for us. Time is most of our downfall I swear.

I promise to follow this up someday with all the amazing reasons to date us, like we look awesome and make you look better than a popped collar. However right now I need to get ready to do some day time things...crazy I know.

Fucking fuck

I need to get fucking serious about this shit again and my blog just ate my funny post. I've been fucking off so much lately I've lost a little bit of focus I mean I've had fun, but I need to go to bed, get up and get the fuck after it, If I lose track of one thing I kind of lose track of them all.

Hey it's my one year anniversary...

So today is the anniversary of my fire...as you all know it's been the most crazy fucked up year I've ever had, and you couldn't pay me enough money to redo it. My last few weeks have been pretty great, except the whole parent thing but whatever shit happens...as taylor swift says "
"In my mind, saying it's gonna be alright

Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off, Shake it off"

Little did you know I have an affinity for Taylor Swift...Like for serious. Sometimes you just have to listen to shitty pop to make yourself feel better. 

Last night I was sitting looking at the ocean thinking about everything that's happened and lessons I've learned I'm sure I've already talked about this but this year and the year before have taught me how to deal with chaos gracefully or seemingly gracefully, to just take things in stride, honestly being a stripper has had a ton to do with that, all though the past two years have been lackluster I made myself a promise last night and it was to let it go, to be over it for the most part. I don't feel like I gave myself a real chance to be mad about this whole thing but it's basically shit or get off the pot at this point. 

I need to quit slacking and feeling sorry for myself which I have been doing quite a bit. So...enough of that and even though tonight sucked at work, which a lot of that was my fault I can't be mad when I don't get on the floor till a decent time...so day shift tomorrow before my friday plans it is. I'm just going to crush it...I'm going to crush it all weekend long. 

Speaking of tonight. It was one of those nights no one realized I was pretty at 1st till I stood up or turned or something. At one point I was talking to these three "gentlemen" in the front row. The 1st one barely listened to me till I really interjected myself into his conversation, then he passed me off to the gentleman sitting next to him, and for some reason I was really funny to myself tonight, before I could even get out the traditional "hey...what's your name?" I have the hand in my face no thank you coming at me, I hate that. So I chat up guy number one again, while guy number two tries to dismiss me, so all of a sudden out of nowhere I hit him with, look man I get that I'm not attractive and that's why you guys are trying to pass me off...they look shocked. They way they reacted I was trying so hard not to laugh all I could hit them with was " I'm just fucking with you" Guy number two stammers something for a moment then points to guy three "Go talk to him he's a sucker" I wanted so badly to say..."It would have been better to call me unattractive, because now your saying I'm unattractive and need to trick someone...awesome." I hate when guys play musical chairs with me it's so fucking insulting. Luckily guy 3 was from the state next to mine, and he got dances to be polite, because that's how we do it in the northern midwest. 

I'm really talking to the #StripperDeities about tomorrow being better.  My week ended up a little out of order since last minute I decided to skip town and ignore the world for the most part for a moment. I have a fancy thing tomorrow night I'm going to and it's strange, I love dressing up, I think it's the best. So many girls at work always comment on what I'm wearing sometimes I wonder if they are doing it just to be nice or if they mean it. Anyway...I have nothing to fucking wear. The one time I wish I could wear my underwear to an event as I'm out of ideas...Does anyone want to go dress shopping tomorrow? Bueller? Bueller? 

So back to it really quick let me get some final things off my chest...

Fuck you Smoker who lit my place up, I fucking hate you.

Fuck you Philly, you are as shitty of a friend, and as fake as they come, and you wasted so much money on your boobs they look terrible.

Fuck you interloper, I tried to help you and you stole from me, countless times and countless items.

Fuck you +1, I'm fucking tired of having someone in my house. 

Fuck you downstairs person, I can't even walk in my own home, I hate living here because of you. 

Fuck you bulliet, you were my best fucking friend.

Fuck you other fake friends, this one explains itself. 

My birthday is coming up next month, I'm planning a party which I need to get to the printer, and approved by this weekend, so I can flyer for a month. Anyone have any ideas as to what I should do? What do you want to see happen at the strip clubs in Seattle? 

The time my family found out...

I'm going to bookend the year from hell with today, and potentially the next couple of days, I think this whole experience caps off the year. Sort of well I don't know if anything else can happen...Shit I fucking hope not.

So it's been my assumption that my family has known for a while what I do. I thought it was kind of a don't ask don't tell policy...apparently I was wrong.

A couple weeks ago my dad text me about wanting to visit me, I kind of blew it off because I was busy, actually busy. Eventually he text me and said he was coming out here, univited...things I don't like my world being interupted. Never pop in on me I hate the pop in everyone who knows me knows I hate the pop in. We get into a massive text fight about this, about how I'm busy, I'm moving, I might be traveling. How I think it's a huge waste of money and time. I called him, he said he just needed to get out of town, I didn't believe him so I totally pushed the issue, it comes to pass that he's coming out here because he thinks I'm doing something illegal...face palm jeezus this is for real happening...okay. I tell him I'm not and that everything is fine. Doesn't believe me. I say I'm leaving town. He says "If you leave it proves all my fears are correct" One way to get me to do something challenge me. I'll show up. I will so show up. Don't tell me you are going to form an opinion about me without me being there.

I'm livid about this whole thing for a week. I'm super stressed about it. I can't sleep. I'm not in the mood to have company my place is a box for that is growing by the day.

Today arrives, he texts me at 6 something am and wants me to tell him what train to take and what stop. he had already agreed on meeting at the airport. The airport is totally a neutral spot. You come into the city it's my turf, and I'm more apt to be a bitch...I get to the airport early. I'm waiting, I'm super people watching. He arrives...we head to the bar.

We are sitting there having drinks. He asks about work, I tell him about the other stuff I do...which I actually do sometimes. He asks if I have any cash jobs...now, no stripper wants to tell her dad that she's a stripper...ever. It's terrible. I've been living on my own for quite some time so that makes it worse. I don't really feel like I have a ton of responsibility to my family to tell them I'm a stripper. I say I'm bartending. Bartenders have cash on them...yeah and it's a story I've been going with for a while.

We are talking about something and he stops me and says...I know about your other job...Okay...Fuck, fuck, fuck, alright...I knew this was going to happen someday but really you could have skyped me no big deal. He says he's not mad just concerned...I can deal with that, yay liberal people from the midwest...I tell him there is nothing to worry about, I'm not doing anything, and I get the concern, the media doesn't make us out to be the best people in the world, and sterotypes exist for a reason, so I can't blame him. I swear it gets interesting here in a second.

He says there is not judgement he still loves me...fantastic, I was prepping myself for a we never want to see you again, I'm not sure if what follows is worse or not I'm still processing the whole thing, which I'm pretty upset about. He then tells me he's been reading my blog. HI DAD!. On the bright side, I don't have to really filter anything anymore. That being said I'm not filtering shit. Anyway, my mom, my mom is apparently judging the shit out of me, and doesn't believe that I've ever told them the truth about what I do or I have done, and that I've been doing this as long as I've lived out here. Which I haven't I didn't start until I was way into adulthood. I'm pretty pissed about this. Actually I'm out of my mind angry. This is followed by..."oh, and not to be a buzz kill, but your little sister obviously won't be coming out to visit you" my little sister is 16, I get that due to the dangers that go with my job and the overall perseption of it, I can't be trusted alone with her...um what? okay whatever. I'm going over all of this in my head for a second as my dad tells me that his brother, and sister, my aunt, and uncle, also know what I do. I don't really think it's fair to tell anyone outside my tiny family circle. No offense you two, I just would have rather dealt with this as a family issue before making it a FAMILY issue. He goes on to say...that I can't expect everyone in my family to treat me the same, and it's going to take a little while for them to adjust... Following are my actual thoughts on the matter.

I appreciate the concern I get it, my job isn't normal and there are some interesting issues that come up with it, and as I said if I get myself into something I can get myself out, and that's the truth. I'm not saying I've never made a mistake, but I did stupid shit before I did this job. Moving on. 

I'm super pissed about my mom throwing judgement all over this. I should state it's my step-mom. I think of her as my mom, I value her opinion very much, more than most. So I really feel like she doesn't like me, she got really mad at me when I moved out here, bitched about me for a few years, until my uncle stood up for me at dinner. THANKS! So part of me feels like this is just something she can hold over my head for a long time. I can't expect her to understand however without talking to her, which I'm going to do face to face when I go home next...which I'm not sure when I'm going to do, I don't really feel welcome at the moment. I really felt like being out here I was sort of immune to the whole parents finding out thing, I think i've made it longer than anyone else however. I don't think she's going to accept anything I say...baby strippers pay attention, I'm either going to fuck this whole thing up so much or glide through it, take it as a beginning lesson in stripping. I'm also insanely mad that she thinks I've been lying to them for the entire time I've lived out here. You decide to be a stripper but it's never a lifetime goal to be a stripper. 

My Aunt sent me a text as well...about how she loves me and wants to chat. I appreciate all the love and concern it's great. She also read's my blog. Hey Lar. We are chatting tomorrow. Stay tuned. 

I was thinking about the spike in blog traffic I've had and how it might just be my family...guys stop reading your over inflating my ego I can't tell who's real and who's not. 

Back to the part about being looked at differently. I have some pretty strong opinions about that at the moment too. I've been doing this for a hot second. I've been home since i've done this. Previously they didn't know. I was treated like a normal person, and this is where normal and not normal pop up again which sucks, because I am still a person and I am pretty "normal" and even if i'm not "normal" I'm not a leper or something. You can't catch stripper, it's not an STD...glitter on the other hand that's a STD you can't get rid of. Why is it now I have to be different, and I can't be trusted, I'm exactly the same as the last time you saw me. The idea of that makes me not want to go home for a while. I know I chose my life-style but I don't run around acting like a stereotypical stripper, most of the time, and when I do I usually regret it. Also considering that I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't want me in their house it makes it seem a little sillier to spend a money on a trip their when I could be a lot of other places after being on a plane for 5 hours and then driving 2. Let's just say 7 hours in the air...tons-o-places. There also aren't any decent hotels within 20 minutes of my parents hours. 

I know I have my own life out here, and I know that my choices affect my relationship with my family but there are so many positive things that have come out of this that I can't ignore them. My best friend, whom I haven't seen in months and I probably wouldn't be friends if it weren't for this, as I wouldn't be as interesting. I wouldn't be writing...really at. I wouldn't have traveled, met a lot of people, learned about myself. I mean I know that I'm going to be fine, not because I know myself, but also because I have a pretty decent support system, and they don't really know that, because well I've been doing me for some time now. 

I don't know how this is going to end up but I really hope they can see it's not as bad as it seems, no one messed up along the way and now I do this. I decided to do this, it was very calculated. Is it unfair to say my sister can't come out here...yes, yes, it is, that's their choice. That is the only thing that makes me second guess what I do a tiny bit, then again I have nights like tonight where everything is great, I walk into work I tell P what happened I get an ear I can talk to that understands what it's like, and a hug and a reminder that I'm not alone. 

That was kind of them moral of the story tonight at work. Presley was shit housed again...I can't fucking stand that bitch getting wasted every night. She comes back in the locker room and Luis is sending her home because she fell down...again. She doesn't get why. T and I are talking to her I'm trying to explain it, you can't reason with a drunk person at all. I was really trying. Presley kept saying how attached she felt and how she felt like everyone was telling her what a fuck up she was, when really it was the other way around, that we care about her and don't want to watch her do this to herself. So in that I understand my dad's concern my job is scary sometimes, but I'm not presley and blaming my actions on others around me. At the end I just wanted her to see that she has our support and we may sound like bitches but it's really because more than anything I want that girl to quit drinking. 

 I still love what I do, I don't regret it at all...Was this year a pain in my ass absolutely. Am I glad it's over of course. Am I okay with my dad knowing yes. Am I okay with the way he went about it, not really. I really wish he would have talked to me before talking to everyone else. Lesson baby strippers, if it seems like they know test the waters a little bit and find out before it gets blown completely out of proportion, because it will, and that's how families quit talking to each other. 

Damn left over chinese is so good.