I'm going to bookend the year from hell with today, and potentially the next couple of days, I think this whole experience caps off the year. Sort of well I don't know if anything else can happen...Shit I fucking hope not.
So it's been my assumption that my family has known for a while what I do. I thought it was kind of a don't ask don't tell policy...apparently I was wrong.
A couple weeks ago my dad text me about wanting to visit me, I kind of blew it off because I was busy, actually busy. Eventually he text me and said he was coming out here, univited...things I don't like my world being interupted. Never pop in on me I hate the pop in everyone who knows me knows I hate the pop in. We get into a massive text fight about this, about how I'm busy, I'm moving, I might be traveling. How I think it's a huge waste of money and time. I called him, he said he just needed to get out of town, I didn't believe him so I totally pushed the issue, it comes to pass that he's coming out here because he thinks I'm doing something illegal...face palm jeezus this is for real happening...okay. I tell him I'm not and that everything is fine. Doesn't believe me. I say I'm leaving town. He says "If you leave it proves all my fears are correct" One way to get me to do something challenge me. I'll show up. I will so show up. Don't tell me you are going to form an opinion about me without me being there.
I'm livid about this whole thing for a week. I'm super stressed about it. I can't sleep. I'm not in the mood to have company my place is a box for that is growing by the day.
Today arrives, he texts me at 6 something am and wants me to tell him what train to take and what stop. he had already agreed on meeting at the airport. The airport is totally a neutral spot. You come into the city it's my turf, and I'm more apt to be a bitch...I get to the airport early. I'm waiting, I'm super people watching. He arrives...we head to the bar.
We are sitting there having drinks. He asks about work, I tell him about the other stuff I do...which I actually do sometimes. He asks if I have any cash jobs...now, no stripper wants to tell her dad that she's a stripper...ever. It's terrible. I've been living on my own for quite some time so that makes it worse. I don't really feel like I have a ton of responsibility to my family to tell them I'm a stripper. I say I'm bartending. Bartenders have cash on them...yeah and it's a story I've been going with for a while.
We are talking about something and he stops me and says...I know about your other job...Okay...Fuck, fuck, fuck, alright...I knew this was going to happen someday but really you could have skyped me no big deal. He says he's not mad just concerned...I can deal with that, yay liberal people from the midwest...I tell him there is nothing to worry about, I'm not doing anything, and I get the concern, the media doesn't make us out to be the best people in the world, and sterotypes exist for a reason, so I can't blame him. I swear it gets interesting here in a second.
He says there is not judgement he still loves me...fantastic, I was prepping myself for a we never want to see you again, I'm not sure if what follows is worse or not I'm still processing the whole thing, which I'm pretty upset about. He then tells me he's been reading my blog. HI DAD!. On the bright side, I don't have to really filter anything anymore. That being said I'm not filtering shit. Anyway, my mom, my mom is apparently judging the shit out of me, and doesn't believe that I've ever told them the truth about what I do or I have done, and that I've been doing this as long as I've lived out here. Which I haven't I didn't start until I was way into adulthood. I'm pretty pissed about this. Actually I'm out of my mind angry. This is followed by..."oh, and not to be a buzz kill, but your little sister obviously won't be coming out to visit you" my little sister is 16, I get that due to the dangers that go with my job and the overall perseption of it, I can't be trusted alone with her...um what? okay whatever. I'm going over all of this in my head for a second as my dad tells me that his brother, and sister, my aunt, and uncle, also know what I do. I don't really think it's fair to tell anyone outside my tiny family circle. No offense you two, I just would have rather dealt with this as a family issue before making it a FAMILY issue. He goes on to say...that I can't expect everyone in my family to treat me the same, and it's going to take a little while for them to adjust... Following are my actual thoughts on the matter.
I appreciate the concern I get it, my job isn't normal and there are some interesting issues that come up with it, and as I said if I get myself into something I can get myself out, and that's the truth. I'm not saying I've never made a mistake, but I did stupid shit before I did this job. Moving on.
I'm super pissed about my mom throwing judgement all over this. I should state it's my step-mom. I think of her as my mom, I value her opinion very much, more than most. So I really feel like she doesn't like me, she got really mad at me when I moved out here, bitched about me for a few years, until my uncle stood up for me at dinner. THANKS! So part of me feels like this is just something she can hold over my head for a long time. I can't expect her to understand however without talking to her, which I'm going to do face to face when I go home next...which I'm not sure when I'm going to do, I don't really feel welcome at the moment. I really felt like being out here I was sort of immune to the whole parents finding out thing, I think i've made it longer than anyone else however. I don't think she's going to accept anything I say...baby strippers pay attention, I'm either going to fuck this whole thing up so much or glide through it, take it as a beginning lesson in stripping. I'm also insanely mad that she thinks I've been lying to them for the entire time I've lived out here. You decide to be a stripper but it's never a lifetime goal to be a stripper.
My Aunt sent me a text as well...about how she loves me and wants to chat. I appreciate all the love and concern it's great. She also read's my blog. Hey Lar. We are chatting tomorrow. Stay tuned.
I was thinking about the spike in blog traffic I've had and how it might just be my family...guys stop reading your over inflating my ego I can't tell who's real and who's not.
Back to the part about being looked at differently. I have some pretty strong opinions about that at the moment too. I've been doing this for a hot second. I've been home since i've done this. Previously they didn't know. I was treated like a normal person, and this is where normal and not normal pop up again which sucks, because I am still a person and I am pretty "normal" and even if i'm not "normal" I'm not a leper or something. You can't catch stripper, it's not an STD...glitter on the other hand that's a STD you can't get rid of. Why is it now I have to be different, and I can't be trusted, I'm exactly the same as the last time you saw me. The idea of that makes me not want to go home for a while. I know I chose my life-style but I don't run around acting like a stereotypical stripper, most of the time, and when I do I usually regret it. Also considering that I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't want me in their house it makes it seem a little sillier to spend a money on a trip their when I could be a lot of other places after being on a plane for 5 hours and then driving 2. Let's just say 7 hours in the air...tons-o-places. There also aren't any decent hotels within 20 minutes of my parents hours.
I know I have my own life out here, and I know that my choices affect my relationship with my family but there are so many positive things that have come out of this that I can't ignore them. My best friend, whom I haven't seen in months and I probably wouldn't be friends if it weren't for this, as I wouldn't be as interesting. I wouldn't be writing...really at. I wouldn't have traveled, met a lot of people, learned about myself. I mean I know that I'm going to be fine, not because I know myself, but also because I have a pretty decent support system, and they don't really know that, because well I've been doing me for some time now.
I don't know how this is going to end up but I really hope they can see it's not as bad as it seems, no one messed up along the way and now I do this. I decided to do this, it was very calculated. Is it unfair to say my sister can't come out here...yes, yes, it is, that's their choice. That is the only thing that makes me second guess what I do a tiny bit, then again I have nights like tonight where everything is great, I walk into work I tell P what happened I get an ear I can talk to that understands what it's like, and a hug and a reminder that I'm not alone.
That was kind of them moral of the story tonight at work. Presley was shit housed again...I can't fucking stand that bitch getting wasted every night. She comes back in the locker room and Luis is sending her home because she fell down...again. She doesn't get why. T and I are talking to her I'm trying to explain it, you can't reason with a drunk person at all. I was really trying. Presley kept saying how attached she felt and how she felt like everyone was telling her what a fuck up she was, when really it was the other way around, that we care about her and don't want to watch her do this to herself. So in that I understand my dad's concern my job is scary sometimes, but I'm not presley and blaming my actions on others around me. At the end I just wanted her to see that she has our support and we may sound like bitches but it's really because more than anything I want that girl to quit drinking.
I still love what I do, I don't regret it at all...Was this year a pain in my ass absolutely. Am I glad it's over of course. Am I okay with my dad knowing yes. Am I okay with the way he went about it, not really. I really wish he would have talked to me before talking to everyone else. Lesson baby strippers, if it seems like they know test the waters a little bit and find out before it gets blown completely out of proportion, because it will, and that's how families quit talking to each other.
Damn left over chinese is so good.
Well, I'm glad it mostly worked out. Funny thing, when my ex's family found out about my ex and I, they almost had someone come along and remove me from the picture. She convinced them I wasn't pure evil, and with time we were able to be friends again. That said, I hope that your step mother calms down sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteI think it's lame that your sister can't visit you. What do they think is going to happen? That you'll turn her in to a dancer? Or worse?
Did you find out how they found out?
I'll have to remember that challenge part for the next time I think about trying a big old bowl of noodles.
Take care Red!