How much for you soul?

"And there you go, selling me dreams and telling me things you know...You got what I want I got what you need. How much for you soul?"

If you know me you know I listen to rap. This song was one of those moments burned into my brain as the best ever...Screaming it at the top of my lungs going down 4th ave in the middle of the night with my ride or die, Baby. That right there that's my bitch.

Little did I know only a few months later would those words hold so much truth I almost crumbled. It's funny being in an industry where it's totally normal to have a full blown political conversation in your underwear. To believe you are larger than life that you can beat the shit out of anyone at any time. That you are it. At times its the time I feel like I am in fact the truest form of myself. The only other time I actually feel that like that is on a photoset. I have had so many people comment on just the feeling I give off when I'm not there.

So I unfortunately had to leave my day job due to well I'll let you guess. That banker in England was fired for being hot. I basically quit for the same reason. My high school principle once said being pretty wouldn't get me everywhere in life. What he failed to mention was that being attractive would actually hamper my ability to be taken seriously. I know there are probably people laughing at this...how could an attractive person have a problem being attractive. Well I'm reminded constantly my place is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, not out in the world.
 However I am oddly confident and I truly think this person thought I thought the worst of myself and really I haven't and didn't till they started bringing it up. (REDFLAG) Then I started to think I couldn't do things, or maybe people were treating me different. I know this is another oh woe is red story and I swear they will stop soon, because god damn.

Anywho its been fun being back for a few days, to go back to thinking I'm hot and funny and that's why you should dance with me. Not being afraid of anything, not being afraid of losing my job at any moment. Never in my life did I ever think that I would be happy to go back to dancing all the time. To the creeps I know, the creeps I love. You aren't creeps.

I'm smart, I can do something different and better and I will. Thats the thing it's gotten really bad and somehow I still haven't lost complete faith in everything.