I had a dream...not the MLK kind or sexy kind either

Warning this  is the last depressing blog I'm going to write then I'm letting everything go I don't need the negativity anymore.

I had a dream the other night I was walking down the 1st ramp to get into the club I had just rounded the corner by my poster. It was like old times...My head was held high and each step was intentional even though I had not gotten on the floor yet. I was carrying one bag a black leather duffle which I don't own but think that I should excuse me as I add it to my wish list done! and camo pants my leather jacket black booties and someone stops me and says "Sie sind eine Kraft zu rechnen" Mind you I don't speak German but I knew right away that what they said was "You are a force to reckon with. I knew right then that they were right, because everything in my dream slowed down and I could see everything the way it used to be I could just see money. So as you know my birthday is in a few days I decided to write one final depressing blog post about everything that's happened in basically the last year that has had me wondering if my life is a joke because sometimes it feels like it. Ok this list isn't meant to make anyone feel bad for me, or sad or anything I just want to get all this shit off my chest. Ok here it goes

My apartment starts on fire by no doing of my own, and they can't find out who did it so there are no repercussions to anyone for it. I carry my 50 pound bulldog down a fire escape as a neighbor in the next building over take photos. I am suppose to go to vegas a few days later and like an idiot I do rather than saving which is what I should have done. Considering I have 24 hours to move and can luckily move near by. This apartment is the only place that's ever felt like home to me and I've now lost it. I went to work that night because what else do you do when you panic you work. I never tell sob stories but this one is crazy. I tell it to someone and show them the photos and they call me a liar and say I photo shopped it
.
I wish I had mad photo shop skills.

I get bronchitis on this trip to vegas. My douche of a boyfriend while on this trip shows no interest in me, but I'm used to it so I think nothing of it.

I come home to find out the person of my new place living below me thinks I'm a noise machine who later writes a 10 page letter to get me evicted.

It's around this time ol' douche canoe gets caught cheating on me with my best friend or so called. They both lie to me to my face. She even comes to pick me up one night as I'm crying over it. Twisted, I wish I was that diabolical.

I moved into a 2 bedroom place so I had a spare room...I should have rented to someone responsible instead I give it to gia who has a heroin problem that I don't know about because she tugged at my heart strings and promised to to better and just needed a place to stay.

I start traveling and working to stay away from home because I hate being there so much and strangely my money starts disappearing. I think everyone is inherently good and I'm doing this bitch a solid and letting her stay with me. I come home from a trip to find her new boyfriend their who says he will leave and I should have told him to go, I did not realize what two heroin users were like.

I start working more and more because i'm supporting a house of 3 and a dog, and strangely my stuff starts disappearing, again small things here and there, so I think I've misplaced them in my travels nope wrong, two heroin users are pilfering through all my shit and selling it, cameras, jewelry, designer clothes, money, basically anything, and this girl gia is turning tricks in my home...in my bed...when I'm not home. I finally kick her out not knowing the depth of GA's sociopathic ways, but don't worry I find out when I continue losing things. I confront hm on the issue he totally gaslights me saying I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I kick him out when I move again finally out of the hell hole that was my 90's apartment that I couldn't use the balcony on because it woke ricky down stairs up. As I'm cleaning out his room I find that anything of any value I was storing in the closet in the room he was staying in for free, that he was very private about, even though I would wake up with him in my room going through my handbag.
Regardless...free at last...not quite...I have to forefit my security deposit because the smell of whatever in that room has made it smell so bad they have to pain it. Also come to find out they have been letting my dog pee all over my leather knotted rug that weighs as much as a person so the color has bled onto the carpet floors. That's right I put rugs on carpet to dampen the sound for old ricky...fuck that guy because it didn't help. So I'm out 800. Whatever it's only money

Some time passes I hate it, and try to snuggle it all away with my dog, the only thing that brings joy to my life.

As all this is going on work is getting worse and worse, I'm making less and less money my head is hanging lower and lower red the great is losing the fucking war on life. I'm trying to find the joy in each day so I start a collage in the back of all the girls and playboy girls since it seems like a nice thing to do, and I have a poloroid printer so why the hell not. It's fucking awesome it has almost everyone on it. I was trying to get everyone on it, but didn't...I walk in one day and someone has ripped half of it down. I have a fucking melt down at this point.

I've started a new day job in marketing for a fashion start-up it was grueling and killing me. I was always traveling. I never got to see my dog. I decide to cut someones lock instead of being a grown up. Half way through almost cutting this persons lock it just pops open what good fortune, now I can re lock it. Mind you I did this in front of two witnesses, one being one of the twins who switched up on me later, because I have nothing to hide. Did not find the collage I feel instantly bad. Like for real because this was a friend of mine. Whatever I did the wrong thing.

Lets rewind. I got a day job in marketing in fashion. I felt like my luck was changing....fast forward to the day of the launch party. I was a contractor so I was suppose to be billing for two jobs. Slippery bastards got me to sign on before the launch party so a crazy ass event with booze and food in a museum was planned for free at the expense of my soul. I had models walking around I had the flowers chosen to match the logo. Lets start at the beginning of this hell day.

I wake up and get in the car to discover that nothing has been done the night before by the interns, that my boss has waited till two pm to start doing any of the other prep, mind you I'm thinking easy day, no problem. I find this out my 1st idea divide and conquer no point two people in one car. He starts to freak out. I make up a new rule for myself. Only one person can panic at a time. OKAY off we go to get clothes for models, ribbon for shirts etc. The models show up late my boss starts freaking out and yelling at me especially because I borrowed them from the strip club. Whatever they were pretty, thin, and fit the clothes. I also borrowed the photographer from the club as well. He takes me into the other conference room and starts screaming at me about how horrible I am that the CEO can't get in. NO FUCKING SHIT IT'S A MUSEUM AFTER HOURS OF COURSE YOU CAN'T. I get back to getting people ready and thats when the leggings ripped...so I have to pin these on not stab this girl and I'm doing all of it with my hands shaking. She said she had never seen such fear in my eyes ever.

We leave for the party I make sure it's just him and I in the car because I know I'm going to get screamed at. I did not think I was going to have to duck to avoid getting hit in the face as this mother fucker screams at me about what a crap job I did and that I suck at what I do. We arrive I'm holding back tears. He turns to me and says no matter what kind of shit show you produced in there you  better sell the hell out of this thing. We walk in and it's perfect everything is perfect. I go down to the bathroom to cry and he follows because he can't get his cufflinks in and needs me. I can't do it because I'm shaking so much, he says  "Red, I know you, and I know you are going to try to quit and walk away from this, don't you fucking dare". Anyway, the night goes on I pull him outside and say. There are a million other me's in this world that will take that kind of abuse because they think that's how the world works but I won't so I can walk now or stay his call. He of course asks me to stay but that's not realized by me till why later. Party happens. I have to travel somewhere around 21 days a month with this mother fucker

So work is sucking I'm not making money at anything because i'm on the road all the time, and they only pay like 40k a year, I made that in a month once in Chicago. So this dude is around all the time. Picks me up for work, drops me off, has dinner with me. I see him more than I see my dog.

Then comes the worst day of my life. I come home after specifically asking GA if he needs help with the dog because I have a strange feeling he insists he doesn't, but he wants to be paid in advance. Fine whatever it's only money.

Worst day ever. I come home from NYC after 9 days, in which my boss has dangled this carrot of meeting with obvious to me now make believe publisher. I come home to GA who tells me he accidentally killed my dog. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. Come to find out he killed her 3 days earlier. I cannot handle this and don't handle it well. I found out later it was totally preventable. She died of heat stroke and aspirated on her own vomit it took anywhere from 10 min to 2 hours for her to pass so my poor baby suffered the worst death because he was off getting hi I'm betting. Anyway that brings us up to pretty close to now.

I tell my boss I'm not traveling anymore, he said he needs me to do one more trip to LA that next week then I don't have to travel till paris fashion week.

I jump on a plane pop back some Xanax and wake up in a hotel suite in LA. All of a sudden it all comes together. If we were worried about the burn rate why were we flying 1st class, and staying at the best hotels, eating at Michelin rated restos...we weren't. This was all clear when my bank flagged my account for fraud which they should have as soon as GA was using it to write checks to folks for god knows what. Anyway, I ask if I can borrow his card for a few cheap props, mind you this is a lingerie shoot I'm doing. He throws a fit when I tell him he can't be on set...so this is where it all comes together, this isn't a job isn't one endless date. Really a 9 month long date. He booked all of our travel together so we would stay in the same room together all the time. One man one woman one bed. I caught him going through my phone a few times in the morning. He wouldn't let me go out with my friends no matter where we were. This mother fucker was trying to fuck me and I was not going to fuck him ever not ever so an hour before my flight to paris I quit my day job because of sexual harassment. Fuck that place.

Oh one of my best friends has car troubles in a different state and I had to find them a way home that happened and everything that could go wrong did including the greyhound bus breaking down, causing more stress and less money.

At this point I think I just gave up on work. I had done my best to be a good person and everything was going to shit around me.  My locker was getting vandalized daily. I was getting hate mail from the girls at the club, saying things like they should have known better than to associate with me, that for a moment they felt sorry for me, but to please do the world a favor and get out of the gene pool. Someone else said they were going to slit my throat. Everything was getting really intense but...

Fast forward to now. There is a ton of construction in front of the club, there are like zero people coming in. Everything that could be working against us as club is. My home looks like a storage unit, the crisis hotline was amazed I hadn't offed myself yet when I called them to talk.

The creme de la creme because it just doesn't quit was, I was dog sitting and came home randomly one night to grab something to find GA in my apartment. With some long winded sob story about how he blah blah who knows. Anyway. Later I text him and ask him what the fuck was up with that night because my only marc jacobs I have left and my prada boots and prada wallet are missing. I ask him if he just let himself in to steal things and he admitted in a text message that yes, the only reason he was there was to steal from me. It was like getting punched in the stomach I was speechless I still am everything stolen money etc is a total upwards of $100,000 of items. FML

Now I'm a good person, I help people when I can obviously. I love animals, If I believed in boyfriends I would try to find one. THIS FUCKING MOMENT TODAY FOR SOME FUCKING REASON TODAY is the day with the straw that broke the camels back. Today, I have decided not to keep my head down anymore. I was back to be a force to reckon with. I don't know if it's all my ex's showing up at once telling me about the money I used to make, or what the fuck it is but I'm done being nice. I"m done being soft caring red, who will help you with anything. Fuck every fucking bitch in that club. I can think of 2 that are actual friends.

So there is one year one very painful fucked up year in which nothing went right and I lost all my confidence.

I've lost all my confidence because all of this has happened in the span of a year and sure they are were just things and they can be replaced with new better things but all those things made up a life and made up who I was. All of them were ripped away from me without any warning. I know the universe is telling me something. I'm about to find out if it's telling me to get it the fuck together quit fucking whining about this shit and be a fucking bad ass because even if I move all this pain goes with I don't get to escape it. I can't run from this shit. So there I wrote it all out. I've addressed everything that's been bothering me and I'm going back to the selfish version of myself who got things done, people may have hated her but she didn't notice because she was too busy making money. So 30 is my year for me. It's my almost done with this year it's everything. I'm done helping others if I get nothing out of it. If it don't make dollars it don't make sense...So on that note fuck you, fuck you, you're cool fuck you.