Stab

Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes you make them on purpose, so you may learn a lesson on your own. Sometimes you drink peach schnapps in high school because all your friends do it. Sometimes mistakes follow you around for a while and you wonder why exactly they do, if you did something to deserve it.
Really when I look around and I look back and I think about mistakes I've made throughout my life and when they follow me around for a little while I no longer think its because I did something horrible and deserve to be punished for it. With age comes wisdom. At this age it's become a little clearer that it's not that people are jealous, everyone is successful in their own way so they have no reason to be envious of anyone. It's a little more of the misery loves company. Sisters tell me, if one girl in the club is crabby it spreads like the swine flu. Most of the time it's not intentional we are women we talk about whatever is on our mind.
Then there are other times when mean is just spread, it's like a low smoke on the ground that wraps its way around your ankles and works it's way up your legs and you unfortunely breath it in this horrible toxic smoke from a small fire someone decided to start. In my younger years this smoke would suffocate me force me out of this, it would really hurt my feelings. Now...I carry a lot of water and do my best to put fires out.
Recently I inadvertently hurt someone's feelings. I'm not sure who yet I just know I did. I would like to apologize for whatever I did to hurt them. I probably didn't mean too.

Oh and a note on my running. I run because I enjoy it, because it gives me a moment to put my thoughts in order. Are there benefits of running, of course, I have massive lung capacity, am I losing weight? I don't know, I don't own a scale, much like I don't own a tv. I just base it on how I feel and right now I feel really good, about all the things I have accomplished even if I have come to this point of acceptance in an unconventional way.

Please excuse all my silly reflections it happens every year.

Birthday count down.

I made a big huge sarcastic greedy list and thats not who I am so...

I really would love a nice email saying you appreciate my blog. You all are more than welcome to make a donation at any time. Shoot me an email and we can figure out a way to make it happen.
All that being said. I really appreciate all the great emails I've had lately and the very nice comments people have left.

Why don't you go do some coke...stripper

These words said to me as I was walking away from someone last night sent me into a blind rage, it's been a long time since I have found myself screaming at someone on the floor explaining to them that I run too much to put shit like that up my nose. As they retort I could just put it in my veins. As I continue to scream "Stripper is not synonymous with drug addict, as you apparently are one!" in the back of my head I'm thinking about an ex boyfriend who had a little coke problem who's eyes would not track correctly when he was high so he could never hide it.

To think this all started with him making the mistake of reaching out to grab my breast while I was talking to his roommate. We all know that I have my boundaries and I stick with them pretty tightly. As I tried to very calmly explain that it was not acceptable to touch me like that he replied with "you're a stripper what do you expect, especially with titties like those" *Let the rage begin* I'm proud of what I do. I don't think that my job gives anyone a pass to treat me like less of a human especially in my house (the club). I lost my temper started yelling at him to fuck right the fuck off, as he was a disrespectful ignorant piece of shit. Maybe I went too far. I doubt it.

An interesting thing happens in the middle of this, management walks up behind him getting ready to back me up and I tell them I'm fine and I can handle this. I could I had it under control. I like that people believe me, that they know I'm not going to make a total ass of myself just an ass.

As we are reaching the end of this conversation this little shit fucker and I, as he class me "just a stripper" one last time I ask him what he does. He says he throws rebar for a living. I ask him how that makes him better than me. He says it doesn't. I state then if I'm a fucking stripper you are just ad addict throwing metal, I'm sure you are much more than that so live up to your potential. I walk away.

I think this job has mellowed me out. Previously I would have been slamming that fuckers head back berating him for his poor life choices and reviewing the fact that I'm a great cook, I run practically every damn day, I'm working on an accounting degree, reminding him how low he should feel. Instead somewhere in my iced up grinch heart I found the right thing to say about living up to your potential.

You can still see the forest though the heart surgeries

There is a gentleman that comes in, who has had countless heart surgeries. Lately I have been a little reclusive trying to figure out exactly what I'm doing. I have been spending my time with people who I don't think view me as a real person. Anyway forest. Forest is this incredible person, maybe I shouldn't say his name in a blog. Anyway he so kindly reminded me that the world could be so much worse. Not that I think the world is bad. I typically try to convoke people that the world is great. He and I were talking about heart surgeries and the amount of time he has spend in the hospital. The type of girls he dates. I don't know why but I have a current fascination with who people are attracted to and why. Maybe it's my own lacking in that part of my life that drives me to know what it is about other people.
Anyway as I'm sitting here writing this a man sitting next to me is talking about his mother who has a drug addiction, who went to law school on welfare, passed the bar, and sadly can't kick the habit.
People and their success amaze me everyday, this is one of those strange places where you can work really hard and make things happen. Sometimes we take different paths to end up at the same end point.

More danger you say well let's turn that shit up.

Last night was the strangest night I have had in a while. I sat down with this guy, and he confirmed all of my current fears. I asked him if he wanted a dance. He said no, I asked him why because I was curious. He told me he liked girls with tattoos, and crazy hair, because they are dangerous. I did not understand this statement at all. I went on to assure him that I'm quite dangerous, that I wouldn't meet me in a dark alley, and that I would happily stab him for proof.
Apparently I'm too conservative looking. I'm going to change that right now. This is bullshit. I'm getting the "oh your too nice I don't want to get a dance thing again" I'm going to start ruining worlds again, burning the whole strip club experience into people's brains. I keep talking that I'm going to change my look back and I haven't done it yet. I'm starting tonight, this oh you look so friendly is so annoying, I'm so over it.
Time to fuck shit up.

Solo

I've been apartment hunting lately. Not that I don't love my place, because I really do. Anyway...

I was lpoking at this great place the other day, it was much like the one I currently have but with huge closets, and a bathroom so big I could do yoga in it with a great claw foot tub. Ahhhh! As I was standing there talking to the manager he looks at me and says "Is this apartment just for you?" I relied with "ah, yes? Why" he then says "Well it's sort of odd as we have a lot of couples who live here" I think my jaw dropped a little bit. "Yes, yes, I am single and it will be just me."

It was one of moments when I was reminded that I'm single. Not that I need a reminder I'm pretty well aware. Someone could read this as the trials and tribulations of a single girl in the city, and maybe it is. The thing is, it's not even that I'm a stripper, it's at this point my standards are so incredibly high, and that I'm not giving anything a real chance. I've become all good at the minute relationship, or at being extremely standoffish which adds to the not really giving anything a chance.

Which brings us to work, work when single and not worrying about a relationship is easy. Why can there not be a relationship where the drama is super low. Why can't people just trust that you like them or why can't we as strippers trust that a normal man normal man actually likes us. Maybe thats just me.  Blah, blah, blah. I talk about this crap so much.

Let's see work highlights. Some rude men, some men who loved me. Holy crap that's something to talk about. I was having dinner and drinks with a good guy friend of mine last night and his beautiful girlfriend. We were talking about sixth senses and he had joked he can hear all the women who feel leaving him was a bad idea crying over him. I said that I thought it would be interesting if I could hear the thoughts of men who thought I was the one that gt away. He looked at me and said "Red, did you forget what you do for work, thats all your going to hear, or you are flying to run past some guy in the grocery store and that will be his thought"
On second thought maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea.

Tomorrow, today, yesterday?

Currently not sure.
I just watched two people I really like have a misunderstanding at breakfast and then put me smack in the middle and then try to pull me apart. This job has taught me sooooo much about mediating, and how to be two places at once. Also oddly enough about being quiet and listening. It's taught me so much control.

Man, and had it taught me to appreciate sanity. Holy fucking cow. Sanity is what I'm currently seeking, its the new prerequisite to hang out with me. So much craziness, that its literally making me feel crazy. Can't everyone just be calm for like 10 minutes. CANT WE ALL just get along! So much going around that I came home, walked the dog, crawled into bed, deactivated my Facebook, turned my phone on  airplane mode with zero intention of turning that shit back on till fuck, who knows who cares. I hope no one needs me, I'll be on vacation from my vacation, for well probably a few days. Should probably email my non-zombie people in the am and let them know.

There are a few things that could go horribly wrong with this plan.
1. I now have to be super punctual.
2. Calling a car is going to be tricky
3. Well that's about it...this is going to be awesome.

In other news in case there was a question, I would like to state that... I can, and do read. I'm familiar with jobs in the tech field, I also know what a business analyst is. Just to clear up some questions from earlier because everyone knows that strippers are complete and total idiots.