I'm not just a stripper

Recently an acquaintance of mine became aware of what it is that I do. I hate it when this happens. People go from taking you seriously to thinking "Stupid fucking stripper." (Without Stripper being capitalized.) There are so many negative connotations that go with this job so this morning I've decided to go into detail as a little reminder that we are humans too. So here is a list of things that I am, besides a stupid fucking stripper.

1. I'm a student, like for real I get up I go to school. I go to accounting class everyday, it's boring it's not insanely easy, except that it is so I suppose that I'm lucky that way. I also attend a math class, okay so my scholastic activity isn't that impressive. It might be next quarter.

2. I'm a team player. Why? because I worked in an extremely hostile corporate environment for years. I know the value of having people being committed to a cause. In this case it's the hustle and when we all work together and have a good time we all make more money.

3. I'm a still life stylist, a fashion stylist, and the occasional art director. Boom, what are you doing today? I might not do it at the same level I previously did but along with taking time out to attend school I'm taking time to mostly if not completely rebuild my book. (This money has to fund a few things I suppose). I also still do the occasional closet edit, interior advice, and personal shopping for people. If you catch me on the right day I might just give out some off the cuff advice, or I'll send you an invoice. Again why? It's a business, and I could bill by the minute if I really felt like it.

4. I cook. Yup, that's right it might not be as much as I have had time for previously but I still cook. I might even cook you under a table. I don't mean that in the literal sense, I just mean I'm better at it than you...maybe. That's not for sure I probably haven't had your cooking.

5. I'm by the book. Anyone who has gotten a dance from me or read this blog knows what you can't touch and that I expect you to be a gentlemen, if you happen to choose otherwise have a good time explaining to your significant other that a stripper hit you in the face.

I understand the not taking strippers serious thing. Most of them don't read a whole ton, aren't watching the news (or reading it in my case, as we all know I don't own a television) don't ever look at the stock market. Don't see this job as a means to an end they just see dollar signs. This job isn't who I am, it's just that a job, a job I enjoy, but a job none the less. It has afforded me many opportunities I could not otherwise afford. It's introduced me to people I would not have met. It's also straight up and ruined relationships. It has taught me to be self sufficient. It has taught me to really be "Bigger than the sound." That people, places, and things come and go, and no matter what life will still go on, even if you don't think it's going to. That people will understand if you "just don't feel like working, today" Can you do that in your job? I didn't think so. Sorry sidetracked.

So the next time you choose not to take me seriously, please do me the favor and consider that I don't live in the strip club, I do wear clothes when I'm not there. I can spell most of the time. I'm not a raging alcoholic or a drug addict, I do however take frequent naps which is what separates me from being a normal member of society. Also I don't have so much make-up plastered on by day or pink sugar that you could look at me and know I was a stripper unlike some of them. Actually I don't do that at night either.

On that note. I'm going back to accounting homework.

Lets talk a little trash

There is a girl I work with not a lady, not a woman a girl. Lets call her Thomas, yes lets call her that.
A few weeks ago I came into work, in such a mood I was unable to pull it together to be able to hang out at work. It was just one of those days. This girl whom doesn't know me very well decided it would be a good idea to give me a hug. We strippers get a little weird about un-invited acts of kindness from our own type we don't assume it's sincere. You never hug a stripper you don't know you ask her if she's ok and if you can hug her. If you happen to be another stripper that is. Anyway I ended up yelling at her and telling her not to touch me. Not because I was mad at her or because I didn't like her.
I really didn't have a problem with her until this weekend. That girl is a fucking bitch with a bad attitude. I was in the back with Skylar and we were getting ready to leave at the end of the night and she comes in the back just trashed. Gawd! I hate it when you can tell we are wasted it's not attractive and I don't understand why other girls don't understand that. I digress she comes in the back asking if she thinks she's going to get fired for lighting a cigerette in the back I told her I didn't care if she was going to get fired or not I didn't want her smoking in the back. She looked at me like "How dare I care that she pollute my air supply" I wanted to punch her right in the fucking face. Then I of course told her that she would get fired. She looks at me and says "Red I don't want to get into this with you so whatever I won't smoke back here" Then she starts going off on me about her childhood and how her mother never hugged her and how I caused her damage by telling her not to hug me a few weeks back.

Ladies can I reiterate something to you. DON'T FUCKING SMOKE NEAR ME. I DON'T SMOKE I DON'T LIKE SMELLING LIKE SMOKE I DON'T WANT ANYTHING IN MY LOCKER TO SMELL LIKE SMOKE AND IF I FIND OUT YOU WERE SMOKING NEAR MY STUFF I WILL DESTROY ALL YOUR FUCKING CANCER STICKS BITCH" I hope I have made myself clear.

Also this job is really hard on us emotionally. I understand this and if you can't stand the heat, get the fuck to a counselors office. I'm sure we all make enough money to get some therapy and sometimes it's necessary. You can't bring your childhood problems in here. If you do you are just continuing the idea that all strippers have daddy issues. I would so much rather work with mentally healthy women than constantly being bombarded with women that should not be there.

Anyway a message to dear Thomas. We are going to talk. Oh and I'm going to let management know that we will be having a talk, that way if I end up smashing your face in they have forewarning that you probably had it coming. As an adult I'm sure we can talk it out, and I'll happily recommend you a counselor.

That's all for now kids. Have a great Monday.

Saturday night highlights

I walk in tonight and I'm giving one of my first dances and what do I see some girl getting finger banged. It was at this moment I missed union jacks and their private booths why? So I don't have to watch that shit.

I walked up to a group of people they were seated like this from left to right. Woman, woman, man, man. I put my hand on the furthest mans leg and to my surprise I have the furthest bitch yelling at me to stop touching her husband. I immediately quit and go touch hers. She ended up being nervous and pissed and told me I should have assumed they were together. Kids the number one rule is not to assume anything, I wanted so badly to hit her in the face. Ladies I'm sorry we touch everyone, so if you can't take it get the fuck out. No really get out.

A semi regular looker came in tonight and dismissed me with his hand I dismissed him by a swift hit to the testicles. Fucker.

Last dude I danced for had a period stain on his paints. Ladies check your vaginas.

Lastly some bitch in the back was pissed at me about yelling at here a couple of weeks ago when I came in crying and she tried to hug me and I told her not to touch me. She started babbling off some shit about her childhood and how her mother never hugged her. Ladies again get a therapist or a journal or something.

Bright side no one was seriously injured tonight. Tomorrow night different story. It's doom time and I'll tie you up and leave you.

I am not an "all ages dancer"

Like when you think about all ages shows. This fact smacked me in the face again last night as I was giving a dance to a 19 year old. I was about half way though and realized that he had never had a lap dance before. This always makes me laugh. I would even bet that this kid is probably a virgin based solely on how uncomfortable I made him feel. This could be because I'm finally in my mid-twenties and I have pretty good idea about who I am and what is and is not sexy.

I assume most of the time really young men come in they are simply expecting me to jack hammer my ass on their lap. Those of you in the know, know that, that's not how I do my thing. I do it way better. I feel like that's sort of surprising to them most of the time. They have no idea what to do with a lady. Yes that's right I'm a Lady I said it LADY. They get so nervous they don't even look at me and they glue their hands to the booth which is all fine and well except that if you don't move your hands occasionally I will smash them with either me knees or my shoes. Neither of which is comfortable.

I think part of the whole deal is I also intimidate them. I would be terrified of me if I were 19, I pry to much and I don't talk like I'm 19, because well, I'm not. I want to know to much about them I think. I think I need to take on a new game plan for the young one's maybe more espn before work so I'm up on sports and stuff, yeah stuff 19 year olds like.

Lets review last year... and see how to improve it

1. Moved into rad apartment furnished it how I like...Left it for douche in Chicago who's name I should
    throw in here just so he's a little easier to find on google.
       a) Moved back apartment still intact.
1A. Don't move ever again

2. Realized I really do love this city and I love my job
    a) unable to improve on this.

3. Found out another Stripper Friend has cancer.
    a) Throw benefit.
         2) Taking suggestions on how to get a benefit off the ground? Donation website?
              COME ON PEOPLE HELP ME BRAINSTORM

4. Didn't run a marathon
    a) Run a marathon
    b) Run a half marathon

5. Was far to nice to people outside of work.
     a) donezoh, ie don't have racial debates with me or I will hit you in the face, or laugh at you...out  loud. Nothing personal.
         a1) I mean I will have them with you along with political debates if you actually contain a microcosm of intelligence but if you don't...talk to the hand cuz the face ain't listening.

6. Trusting Strippers that shouldn't be trusted.
    a) Only trust them as far as I can throw them, which is probably not very far, but is a new olympic event, the stripper throw.

7. Told bad Jokes, humor ended up a little to dry for everyone.
    a) taking joke suggestions and those of you that come in sometimes need to remind me that I'm way funnier in my head than I am in real life.


7. Day Drinking
    a) I actually basically quit day drinking...except for right now, today is an exceptional day and I mean that in the today is an exception sort of way.

8.  Just kidding there are two 7's sense of humor and 1drink combined makes me think I'm hilarious.

9. Learn MLA again.
  

Let's recap last night for sanities sake.

So last night I was at Union Jacks as I usually am every other weekend. I was doing my stretching routine on one of the benches on the back wall. This woman comes up to me and says her man appreciates what I'm doing I say tell him your welcome. Shortly after this he walks over and drops like 10 1's on me, of course like any smart stripper I convince him to get a dance. We are in the back about to start a dance and I ask him what his story is, he said he had just gotten out of jail. I in my stupid stripper way I ask him what he was is prison for. He replies with a drive by shooting. Only in this job do you really not judge anyone for what they do or what they did. It was also at this point i knew that the night was going to be very interesting.
It was attack of the nerds night, which I will take they were super nice. One of them had my email from the summer and was absolutely amazed that that I was in town. He apparently thought I had moved to chi-town forever. Thank fucking god I didn't stay there.
So I'm listening to Jeezy right now. I typically don't listen to trap music, it's not really my thing. I do say that I find the lyrics hilarious. Such as "What do you know about champagne at every night and bad bitches all night" To answer the question proposed in this song. I know a lot. I drink a lot of champagne and hang out with women all night. Ok back to the main points. I'm getting a little distracted by the scenery, I'm currently on the train. I'm also really hoping to take a little cat nap before I get home tonight.
Alright more entertainment from last night. I coerced more people than normal to buy me G&T's I love getting drinks and waiting for all the ice to melt, not because I like my drinks watered down, but because I like drinking water and I hate carrying a bottle of water around and I do my very best to spend as little time as possible in the locker room. This is small known fact. Well I suppose it's not that small I'm always on the floor.
Attack of the nerdy dudes is always funny, they are usually super polite and generally just happy to have me in there space bubble. I suppose it also helps that I know just a few nerdy things to get by. Nerds also don't have a problem passing around strippers and if one gets a dance it's basically a guarantee that they will all get a dance. I need to take a break from writing this blog today. This will be edited later, with more care and thought put into it.

I feel bad for anyone that sits next to me on an airplane.

Let's preface this post this have I taken some an(xanax)ity medication before writing this post. Why? I'm flying to the midwest. No, no, no, I'm not going to chicago. That my darlings would be so fucking stupid much like a kamikaze mission. Which I will not be taking. (sidetone I would love some nacho's I've been craving nachos since yesterday.)

Anyway I'm heading back to the midwest to see my parents, new sweater in hand, along with because I am a thrifty stripper a new pair or rather pricey shoes on a discount. Yes kids that's right I'm thrifty, why because I really do go to school, and yes I use this money for tuition. Surprise, surprise. 

Ok back to why I feel bad for anyone that happens to fly with me. I typically take anxiety medication. I did though my bag till I fall asleep. I crave chips 20m minutes into the flight I'm totally annoying. I'm horribly needy. I'm chatty and I want nothing more than to think that I'm self sufficient, which I am not. Well I am. Lets start with some funny red on airplane stories. 

As we all know by this time I didn't just move to chicago. I moved there for a business transaction otherwise known as the worst Idea of my life. (excuse me as the anxiety medication just kicked in.) 

Ok funny stories about Red on airplanes. 

Such as the time I was really hungry and found a bag of (opened) peanuts in the in the seat pocket, of course I ate the. Hands down most disgusting thing I am admitting to the public. What can I say I used to travel without a debit card. 

I went to chicago and I knew as soon as I landed that I would have to meet the now ex's ex, so I decided it was a great time to get totally hammered, so I hung out with the flight attendants in the back and dumped an entire glass of wine on myself. That was one of those flights with the compassion of humanity came out. It is also one of the reasons I really enjoy flying delta. Those people were so incredibly amazing to me. There a are a few memories that I think about when I think about my time in chicago and I get really down on it as it was horrible and I remember all the really amazing memories that didn't involve the ex. The thing is if I hadn't had that experience I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't feel like my life was amazing and I wouldn't have the friends that I have. I would just be sad and miserable in the Chicago. (no offense Jason you were a pretty rad friend of the fucking idiot face that I dated, that I personally hope creates ugly children and fails at his job and gets really fat) 

OK back to funny flight stories. I used to take my anti anxiety medication much earlier and there was perhaps a point where I took them and drank. I had this one time mistook my seat number as my gate number. With that error came thinking that somehow 3a was in the back of the airplane. Let me tell you it's not it's actually in first class. Also wearing a button down flannel jeans with rips, a leather jacket, and carrying a studded bag all while wearing the make-up from the night before is not the way you want to flop down into first class and it's not very classy but I did it and then proceeded to get the best sleep of my life next to a horribly conservative gentleman whom I felt very, very, bad for. I of course quickly got over that remembering that I am who I am and that I am in fact pretty adept in most situations, regardless of my garb.

 I sat next to a Grandma like woman once who said I could sleep on her shoulder, she was an amazing and sweet woman who showed me pictures of her pets. She was amazing. Seriously flights restore my faith in humanity. 

I also ended up on my last flight from Chicago sitting next to a 7 year old hispanic girl. We played hang man. She was amazing I bought us cookies and chips and soda. I also realized on that flight that my spanish was absolutely horrible, I have the ability to communicate with a 7 year old. 

Ok maybe the drug haven't kicked in now I'm just really hungry for nachos. Stand by kids. 

Ok no nacho's obtained but I do have junk food which gets me pretty pumped. 

Which brings me to my next point for those of you that don't know I have been really sick for the past week or so so this week is my first week of eating normal food and I so pumped. Also for those of you that know my life is based around food and apparently sweaters. Ok now the drugs have kicked in I need to sleep.