In the conversation Winter and I had this weekend she reminded me how seriously I take my job sometimes and that can be a really bad thing. 1. I get to invested in the people I work with. 2. I get really invested in my clients and I take on all the emotions and stress of everyone around me.
This weekend Corbeau thought I blew him off that I pretty much said go fuck yourself even after I had been making plans for weeks. That's not what happened. As you all know I went for a very long run with no bra and the improper footwear which will make a person late. I told him to go do something else in the mean time since I was going to be late arriving. This crushed me when he wouldn't get back to me especially after all the speeches of how great I am and blah, blah, blah, and how I deserve better, where as he is dumping me in a group with some stupid strippers.
So...crushed, just felt the lowest...I felt like a stupid stripper...skirt stop the bus, I'm far from stupid and although yes I'm a stripper. I am not a stupid stripper, nor am I like the stereotypical stripper. I and I hate to toot my own horn...am way better than a lot of girls. Although every girl is totally different and also better than me in a lot of ways. For the sake of argument and based on what a lot of people tell me I'm different and I'm better. (To anyone from my club I don't mean this in a fuck all you bitches way). That being said I need to quit beating myself up for people projecting the fuck ups of other girls, I've got to let that shit go. If it makes them change their minds and totally ruins my weekend and I end up with a rental car and a hotel so be it, and even if part of it was from a friend of mine being wishy washy about going. Whatever...I'll stop talking about it now. This is the client investment I was talking about. I've got to quit and remember I sometimes serve the purpose of scapegoat, catalyst of self discovery, distraction, creator of all evil. The last one may hold a little more truth.
I need to bring back the shot gun approach, start banking on my looks and my sense of humor again and my interesting little brain. How can I expect any of you to buy a dance from me when I forget the good in me sometimes since I'm so busy trying to find the good in everyone else I'm rad as fuck. Sometimes in this job I'm just spongeing up everyones emotions around me which is what I've been doing, I have once again forgotten that my job is suppose to be fun...I think it's hilarious I have these little epiphanies whilst writing at night, which subsequentely quell my anxiety I get every night on the way home thinking I haven't done enough...Which yet again ends today. Today as always I am changing the way I do things. I guess that starts with maybe sleeping...Then remembering I'm the baddest bitch up in this bitch and beating all you other bitches at a friendly game of who can make more money on paper.
I wish Dejavu would leave the dance sheet out so I knew if by how much I'm crushing the game.
Winter is my damn hero and she gave me some really good advice that I need to start using my resting bitch face more often and to my advantage. The stories of this weekend are slowly sliding out my fingers as the embaresenet of pulling such a rookie move wears off.
Any way moe on last night Mahal brought up a good point I talk all this shit about how I want guys to act a certain way at work but really if they did I would just have a bunch of whiners on my hands and I don't want that. I just want you all to be mildly mindful and okay with supporting the charity of me...I'm rambling so lessons learned. Funnier stories when I wake up.
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