I wish this was about farts sadly it's myself imbibing myself with how mother fucking sad I've been the last few months. Don't ever have your home disappear it blows chunks... and I need to get over it I know however it's forced me to go through all my shit like old journals holy crap have I been dumb in the past...
A friend of mine posted on Instagram the other day that words can be weapons but silence can be mass destruction. It's so true I feel as a woman thinking back to all the times I was questioning my relationships it was the silence that killed me. The silence that answered all my questions. Actions speak louder than words. The times people pulled away disappeared didn't answer my calls gave me the most solid answers even though I didn't want to admit it at the time. I made so many excuses for people, they must be busy, they are taking a nap, they left their phone at home.
The truth is he just wasn't that into me.
I made up a rumor once that I broke up with someone so people would quit blaming him for my actions, I told him about it just so he would know, he was like okay I'll just tell them we were from different worlds and we are still friends. I remember thinking at the time how easily the words came out of his mouth. I told him not to say that because it felt too real. I didn't realize at the time how real it was. We all learn from things. I wish the me now could go back to early stripper me and tell myself just to let things be. That I walked into a different world with different rules that I didn't know. That you can't hold on to people the same they don't look at you the same. You are more disposable as a stripper, you don't have the same feelings as everyone else. We are rejected every night so many times I feel like the people we choose to try to be with think that rejection in our real life should be easy. That much like the strip club when you sit down with someone and they don't say much to you it means you should move on. That maybe we will just move on happily to the next person and rejection isn't so bad.
I feel like dealing with the home thing is like rejection, this thing I loved so much and put so much of myself into that I could always escape to told me to get the fuck out so rudely and I've been wandering around aimlessly since then. I've been sleeping to much, which means I don't eat enough which means my kitchen never gets used and I'm about to pull a sjp in an SATC and start putting sweaters in my oven.
On the other hand I'm pretty persistent at work even when told no. I'll sit down and have a chat and at the end of it they might change their mind...why because I'm hilarious and awesome. Also I can find the good in everyone, or something good about them. Maybe I just need more good focusing than bad.
Sorry for being sad, but damn it's hard to be a gangster.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Knowing when to quit
Sometimes we as strippers have a hard time knowing when to quit...by quit I mean take a break we over work ourselves and under appreciate ourselves, take a time out do anything for us. We see a dollar sign at the end of the night and we role with that. I know that I focus on saving a lot...I constantly think about how many dollars till the next thousand hence the panic attack before work every night.
We have the oddest view on money. I remember thinking $100 was a lot of money and now I'm terrified if I have $100 in my wallet.
Or I think pretty often how many lap dances something costs.
Right now I'm thinking about how little sleep I'm getting how I still need to take my dog out. I need to pee. Welcome to rambling red.
I really hate the winter it depresses the hell out of me I hate the darkness all the time I feel like I act like such a weirdo like right now. I feel like this incredibly awkward version of myself. When batman is giving me advice to stop asking to sit down but start slinking down...and god damn it's the truth.
Another sign you need a break or should quit if you keep crying everyday about how little money you make...It's usually the hardest thing to do because you aren't making money and you need money. I had that happen right after the fire...(which I need to quit bitching about) Seriously if you can't make money doing this don't do it, or you hate where you work move, or something if you don't like something about this job you can't do it.
ALSO DON'T DO THIS JOB FOR ANYONE ELSE DON'T DO IT FOR A DUDE SO YOU CAN GIVE HIM MONEY.
Lately I've been rewriting raps and making them into parodies. I need to go to bed but I'll try and get one up tomorrow
We have the oddest view on money. I remember thinking $100 was a lot of money and now I'm terrified if I have $100 in my wallet.
Or I think pretty often how many lap dances something costs.
Right now I'm thinking about how little sleep I'm getting how I still need to take my dog out. I need to pee. Welcome to rambling red.
I really hate the winter it depresses the hell out of me I hate the darkness all the time I feel like I act like such a weirdo like right now. I feel like this incredibly awkward version of myself. When batman is giving me advice to stop asking to sit down but start slinking down...and god damn it's the truth.
Another sign you need a break or should quit if you keep crying everyday about how little money you make...It's usually the hardest thing to do because you aren't making money and you need money. I had that happen right after the fire...(which I need to quit bitching about) Seriously if you can't make money doing this don't do it, or you hate where you work move, or something if you don't like something about this job you can't do it.
ALSO DON'T DO THIS JOB FOR ANYONE ELSE DON'T DO IT FOR A DUDE SO YOU CAN GIVE HIM MONEY.
Lately I've been rewriting raps and making them into parodies. I need to go to bed but I'll try and get one up tomorrow
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Maybe if I acknowledge everything it will go away.
Okay i'm venting I'm sure you've all heard it all ready but I need to get it to go away in the next few days. In the past 8 months...
1. I allowed many relationships with people close to me to rule my life.
2. I allowed a few people to destroy my ego or to destroy part of who I am which is why I haven't been writing lately. I haven't felt safe to write...but I'm done I'm done being scared of everything, and I'm done not being myself. I feel like a lot of my posts say this but this time I'm not kidding.
3. The my apartment which was my pride and joy and so much of who I am and what I worked for was destroyed and I was forced to move posthaste. Which was way more expensive than I thought it would be. THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO HELPED AND CHIPPED IN IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME AND IT HELPED MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.
4. I got really sick and lost a lot of weight so much so that people comment on it...so I'm joining a gym.
5. A family member needed some monetary help so being the nice person I am I helped them out...I didn't realize they would take the rest of my savings.
6. I lost my best-friend to someone not worth losing a best friend too...she know thinks that I'm a terrible human being when really we all make mistakes, and the ones I know about her I will take with me to my grave. I text her after the destruction of my place saying that no matter where our friendship stood if she needed help I would be there and she replied with "I was done with you before all of this happened"
7. I let someone make me believe that I'm not good enough, that I'm not enough of a friend/person, and that I should continue to take there emotional beatdowns to the point I sort of gave up on myself for a while. I forgot who I was.
More on that. I really did forget who I was, I was sleeping all day, I was not talking to anyone about how I felt what was going on, any threats they dished out, I quit looking in the mirror on my days off. If I did all I could see was how ugly I was how horrible I was, which translated into my work. I have been meek I haven't even believed that I was attractive. I couldn't sell a dance to save my life. Mind you I'm not without flaw in some ways I hurt this person their are two sides to every story but holy fucking shit am I glad that I lived though that. That I can get up and see that I'm a valuable person and the day is worth waking up for.
1. I allowed many relationships with people close to me to rule my life.
2. I allowed a few people to destroy my ego or to destroy part of who I am which is why I haven't been writing lately. I haven't felt safe to write...but I'm done I'm done being scared of everything, and I'm done not being myself. I feel like a lot of my posts say this but this time I'm not kidding.
3. The my apartment which was my pride and joy and so much of who I am and what I worked for was destroyed and I was forced to move posthaste. Which was way more expensive than I thought it would be. THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO HELPED AND CHIPPED IN IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME AND IT HELPED MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.
4. I got really sick and lost a lot of weight so much so that people comment on it...so I'm joining a gym.
5. A family member needed some monetary help so being the nice person I am I helped them out...I didn't realize they would take the rest of my savings.
6. I lost my best-friend to someone not worth losing a best friend too...she know thinks that I'm a terrible human being when really we all make mistakes, and the ones I know about her I will take with me to my grave. I text her after the destruction of my place saying that no matter where our friendship stood if she needed help I would be there and she replied with "I was done with you before all of this happened"
7. I let someone make me believe that I'm not good enough, that I'm not enough of a friend/person, and that I should continue to take there emotional beatdowns to the point I sort of gave up on myself for a while. I forgot who I was.
More on that. I really did forget who I was, I was sleeping all day, I was not talking to anyone about how I felt what was going on, any threats they dished out, I quit looking in the mirror on my days off. If I did all I could see was how ugly I was how horrible I was, which translated into my work. I have been meek I haven't even believed that I was attractive. I couldn't sell a dance to save my life. Mind you I'm not without flaw in some ways I hurt this person their are two sides to every story but holy fucking shit am I glad that I lived though that. That I can get up and see that I'm a valuable person and the day is worth waking up for.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
HOW TO DATE A STRIPPER
This is an incredibly popular topic so I thought I would shed some light on the subject.
Google just returned this to me
"About 21,400,000 results (0.29 seconds)"
I would love to add proper citation but I'm not in the mood...Hot Writer when am I ever in the mood to even pretend I have any grasp of the english language.
Ok how to date a stripper:
1. Don't go to strip clubs to meet her rarely does this work out, although I have heard of girls marrying men they met there. I am gong to make they assumption that you kind sir google banged the shit out of how to do this so
you could tell all your brah's about it.
2. Don't ask her about work, we talk about it all the time much like any other job, and trust me you can live with out hearing the strangest shit that happens all the time. Or what bitch doesn't like this other bitch it's a cluster fuck, HOWEVER MOTHER FUCKER LISTEN THE FUCK UP. OUR JOB IS SO EMOTIONALLY DRAINING IT SUCKS OUT OUR SOUL SOMETIMES YOU SAY THAT ABOUT YOUR JOB BUT YOU DON'T CARRY THE EMOTIONAL BURDENS OF NOT ONLY YOUR COWORKERS BUT 500 MEN . SO CUT US SOME MOTHER FUCKING SLACK IF WE DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING FUCKING SEX BECAUSE EVERYONE ASKED HOW MUCH TO TOUCH TONIGHT AND ALL WE WANT TO DO IS CRAWL IN FUCKING BED WITH YOU FEEL SAFE AND PRETEND THAT YOU DON'T THINK OF US LIKE OBJECTS AT THAT EXACT MOMENT.
Also cut us some slack if we want to come home and fuck, not because we are super horny from dry humping some dicks (thanks bri) but because sometimes it's nice to have something that's ours that's right that dick is ours, and something that in that moment in time in our relationship is real, and again we feel cared about and loved and blah, blah, blah...
3. Don't expect us to pay for everything just because we have cash, we have bills to, oh and financial goals, and hopes and dreams and some people even have fam's they take care of.
4. Do not ask us for lapdances at home unless you get lucky and find one that loves to give them, then ha-cha-cha cash that shit in.
5. DO NICE SHIT FOR US...LIKE REALLY NICE SHIT, WE HAVE DUDES ALL THE TIME WHO LISTEN TO OUR FEELINGS, BUY US GIFTS THAT WE ACTUALLY WANT, BECAUSE THEY LOOK AT OUR AMAZON WISH LIST BECAUSE THEY CARE. NOT EVEN BIG SHIT, JUST SHOW US YOU CARE ABOUT US...THAT'S FUCKING IT, IT'S PRETTY FUCKING EASY.
6. Don't you ever fucking judge us for what we do and then turn around and reap the benefits of having a hot girlfriend who happens to be comfortable naked in front of strangers. I dates someone once who accused me of fucking my customers, anyone who knows me knows that's not true, as the argument progressed it came to pass that he frequently picked up girls from this place of establishment...It was one of my favorite arguing points, oh and that there was a rumor that he may have forced himself on someone...but the jury is still out.
7. Be yourself, guess what we are just humans, and I swear to you I'm not that cool the guys down at KISW can totally tell you
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes (No Doubt, Just a Girl)
8. Don't say stupid shit like I could get this for free so let me buy you a drink...nothing makes me want to seek out
some roofies more and ruin your night. If you can get it for free please do, please go somewhere else douche, or stay, have some fun, get a dance, make a friend, but asking us to drinks or coffee doesn't work, especially coffee we don't wake up that early.
9. Last but not fucking least, be funny, be open, be you, treat us like a normal person, not a piece of meat, not something on a pedestal, make us laugh, be our friends, be their when the going the rough and the bitches leave, and then wait, wait for the drama to blow over, and write us a nonchalant text and that my friends is how you win over a stripper.
Google just returned this to me
"About 21,400,000 results
Ok how to date a stripper:
1. Don't go to strip clubs to meet her rarely does this work out, although I have heard of girls marrying men they met there. I am gong to make they assumption that you kind sir google banged the shit out of how to do this so
you could tell all your brah's about it.
2. Don't ask her about work, we talk about it all the time much like any other job, and trust me you can live with out hearing the strangest shit that happens all the time. Or what bitch doesn't like this other bitch it's a cluster fuck, HOWEVER MOTHER FUCKER LISTEN THE FUCK UP. OUR JOB IS SO EMOTIONALLY DRAINING IT SUCKS OUT OUR SOUL SOMETIMES YOU SAY THAT ABOUT YOUR JOB BUT YOU DON'T CARRY THE EMOTIONAL BURDENS OF NOT ONLY YOUR COWORKERS BUT 500 MEN . SO CUT US SOME MOTHER FUCKING SLACK IF WE DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING FUCKING SEX BECAUSE EVERYONE ASKED HOW MUCH TO TOUCH TONIGHT AND ALL WE WANT TO DO IS CRAWL IN FUCKING BED WITH YOU FEEL SAFE AND PRETEND THAT YOU DON'T THINK OF US LIKE OBJECTS AT THAT EXACT MOMENT.
Also cut us some slack if we want to come home and fuck, not because we are super horny from dry humping some dicks (thanks bri) but because sometimes it's nice to have something that's ours that's right that dick is ours, and something that in that moment in time in our relationship is real, and again we feel cared about and loved and blah, blah, blah...
3. Don't expect us to pay for everything just because we have cash, we have bills to, oh and financial goals, and hopes and dreams and some people even have fam's they take care of.
4. Do not ask us for lapdances at home unless you get lucky and find one that loves to give them, then ha-cha-cha cash that shit in.
5. DO NICE SHIT FOR US...LIKE REALLY NICE SHIT, WE HAVE DUDES ALL THE TIME WHO LISTEN TO OUR FEELINGS, BUY US GIFTS THAT WE ACTUALLY WANT, BECAUSE THEY LOOK AT OUR AMAZON WISH LIST BECAUSE THEY CARE. NOT EVEN BIG SHIT, JUST SHOW US YOU CARE ABOUT US...THAT'S FUCKING IT, IT'S PRETTY FUCKING EASY.
6. Don't you ever fucking judge us for what we do and then turn around and reap the benefits of having a hot girlfriend who happens to be comfortable naked in front of strangers. I dates someone once who accused me of fucking my customers, anyone who knows me knows that's not true, as the argument progressed it came to pass that he frequently picked up girls from this place of establishment...It was one of my favorite arguing points, oh and that there was a rumor that he may have forced himself on someone...but the jury is still out.
7. Be yourself, guess what we are just humans, and I swear to you I'm not that cool the guys down at KISW can totally tell you
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes (No Doubt, Just a Girl)
But really, I'm just a girl, your just a guy, and if you want to date a stripper, you can always ask the worst she will say is no...Here is the thing we here no all the time, it's not a big deal there are nights I hear no 20 times in a row, try and top that, that's an ego blow.
some roofies more and ruin your night. If you can get it for free please do, please go somewhere else douche, or stay, have some fun, get a dance, make a friend, but asking us to drinks or coffee doesn't work, especially coffee we don't wake up that early.
9. Last but not fucking least, be funny, be open, be you, treat us like a normal person, not a piece of meat, not something on a pedestal, make us laugh, be our friends, be their when the going the rough and the bitches leave, and then wait, wait for the drama to blow over, and write us a nonchalant text and that my friends is how you win over a stripper.
How baggage is important
I just left my bag at the airport and apparently they will not have it delivered as my needed to use the commode due to well you don't need to know any of that and the baggage claim attendant needed to leave at 11:30...Clues I went somewhere and came back and did some weird shit while I was gone.
I realized while on the phone trying to get my bag, that sometimes it's not just your physical baggage you have to take a billion hours out of your day for it's your emotional baggage as well and I know that at times I just can't let it go I wish I could but I really can't. Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with being a stripper and taking on so much emotional baggage from other people that I feel the need to offload onto other people just to sort of maintain my own personal equilibrium.
Anyway I did a lot of thinking while doing shoulder mounts on street signs, getting completely housed, and having a generally good time.
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I realized while on the phone trying to get my bag, that sometimes it's not just your physical baggage you have to take a billion hours out of your day for it's your emotional baggage as well and I know that at times I just can't let it go I wish I could but I really can't. Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with being a stripper and taking on so much emotional baggage from other people that I feel the need to offload onto other people just to sort of maintain my own personal equilibrium.
Anyway I did a lot of thinking while doing shoulder mounts on street signs, getting completely housed, and having a generally good time.
This weekend was attack of the ex's what's new in reds world right one of them is always doing something to ruin my life. Like last week on threatened to get a restraining order against me and I laughed at him because well...I already tried. This week one wrote me to apologize for his insensitivity and leading me on...I love when dude's are like "OH MY GOD YOU ARE PERFECT! YOU LOVE TO COOK, YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME YOU CAN DO SHIT THAT TAKES STRENGTH *see above photos* YOU'RE SMART, YOUR FUNNY, I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU" and I'm all like yeah sure (Mind you this was said eons ago literally eons) but now they want to apologize and bitch about how unhappy they are in their practically married state.
Then there is the one who's all like wah wah you abandoned me...kid that was a billion years ago get the fuck over it.
Then there was another one who got married.
Then there is one who wants me to travel with him.
Then there is the one that got way, or the one I let go for being a retard, whom is also getting married.
Why does everyone think I'm going to welcome them back with open arms...oh wait because red has gotten soft in her old age, mind you I've gotten hotter, but till marshmallow like on the inside; mother fuckers be warned the buck stops right fucking here, were my louboutin meets your nuts.
So I thought to myself...Self why not be really honest, why not throw a little salt on the wound rather than just sugar coating that shit. So did, and I will continue to. I'm sure i've referenced a conversation skinny and I had one night about bad bitches he said something that went a little like this...
N***** you are literally the baddest bitch I know, you have the best style, you walk in this club like you own the place but as soon as you fucking leave you just forget who the fuck you are either boss up or get the fuck out, cuz girl you know you the baddest so start fucking acting like it.
On the bright side of the aforementioned oh whoa is me pity party...which I'm not having I'm literally just having a party, all of my ex's are married or getting married so I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that there is any way in hell that we would ever get back together. For the record for those of you currently having an anurisum for free of me wanting to get back together with any of these folk...I don't. I'm done with fucking crazy fuck tards.
While out to dinner with one of my homegirls this weekend, a fellow sister of the most bonded sorority known to women...stripping. I like her because she's totally open, not afraid to offend people, likes to see their reactoins and is all about empowering women in business. Things I look for in friends, being crazy means you are just comfortable with yourself. So I'm about to grind fucking harder, I've given myself a goal of everyday for till the end of the month. Come out support single college students! Or if you live far away and still want to support hit me up in the contact the author section and shoot me a little donation to my pay-pal. That's right folks I finally joined this century.
I also learned another important lesson. A friend of mine as of late has been pushing some boundries and acting like I owe him something like I should be extra nice, the thing is I am extra nice, or like things are my fault, when I'm orchastrating things to make your life easier, I don't owe you shit. I'm sorry I really don't. I really, really, really don't like being made to feel like I should bed over backwards to help you.
SO...Step one of today tell some people to fuck off.
Good luck and goodnight all.
Oh wait how does this translate to stripping and changing the world...I just bought a pillow off of gilt that will be going on my bed that says cash rules everything around me. It's time to hustle smarter not faster, out smart patrons into getting a dance, keep those around me that I love incredibly close since my circle is growing so small, always be honest, don't take no for an answer and don't take shit .
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Rando rants written by red!
So I'm going to bitch about work yah ready. Okay it cost me a minimum for 130/night to work, typically I pay between 140 and 170. However for VIP rooms the club take a cut so for 15 min they take 50 and a half hour they take 75 and an hour they take 100 a little high by my standards so Lets say I pay 140 a night...I work 4 days a week (we are just averaging of course there are those nights they have to make exceptions. Anywho 140*4 if 560/week *4 is 2240 *12 26,880 Give a few extra thousand and you probably have it. That's more that my rent on my apt per month.
Last weekend I went to grab a bite with a girl friend at an italian place down the street and we thought we would dress it up a bit, I had to pee so I ran into the club on the way back to the car. Mind you I run into work and pee all the time...Also I'm not scheduled for saturdays.
Anyway upon leaving the club luis sends me a text saying I'm losing credibility, so i write him a lengthy one in return about how I don't like disappointing people...etc. He followed this text up with if you come in again on your days off I'm going to back-rent you...UMMMMM WHAT THE FUCK! IS THIS LEGAL? I mean there is a line of our contract that says any rule instated my management is basically law and we must follow that rule or it is a breach of our contract...I wonder sometimes how far they push this.
Considering how much I pay a week is it so horrible that I run in to use the restroom. I know that L says it distracts the girls who are working...but we are contractors and that means that we should be able to do our job without being told how to do our job, and considering that the only person really being affected is the dancer, I don't think that the clients lose any customer service from our end. I mean sure if that 5 minutes makes or breaks the night and that girl can't pay out I totally understand but I think it's a little extreme to say that I will be back rented if I'm there on a day or time I'm not scheduled.
In addition I don't know how many of you knew/know but there was a hot second for the past few months that it could have turned out that I had a life altering illness...but don't worry I don't so this blog won't be stopping due to my death from an illness any time soon...well knock on wood anyway, I mean I guess anything could happen I could contract malaria
I would just like to say thanks for all the emails I've received lately it's always nice to hear from whoever is reading this crazy thing.
Last weekend I went to grab a bite with a girl friend at an italian place down the street and we thought we would dress it up a bit, I had to pee so I ran into the club on the way back to the car. Mind you I run into work and pee all the time...Also I'm not scheduled for saturdays.
Anyway upon leaving the club luis sends me a text saying I'm losing credibility, so i write him a lengthy one in return about how I don't like disappointing people...etc. He followed this text up with if you come in again on your days off I'm going to back-rent you...UMMMMM WHAT THE FUCK! IS THIS LEGAL? I mean there is a line of our contract that says any rule instated my management is basically law and we must follow that rule or it is a breach of our contract...I wonder sometimes how far they push this.
Considering how much I pay a week is it so horrible that I run in to use the restroom. I know that L says it distracts the girls who are working...but we are contractors and that means that we should be able to do our job without being told how to do our job, and considering that the only person really being affected is the dancer, I don't think that the clients lose any customer service from our end. I mean sure if that 5 minutes makes or breaks the night and that girl can't pay out I totally understand but I think it's a little extreme to say that I will be back rented if I'm there on a day or time I'm not scheduled.
In addition I don't know how many of you knew/know but there was a hot second for the past few months that it could have turned out that I had a life altering illness...but don't worry I don't so this blog won't be stopping due to my death from an illness any time soon...well knock on wood anyway, I mean I guess anything could happen I could contract malaria
I would just like to say thanks for all the emails I've received lately it's always nice to hear from whoever is reading this crazy thing.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
That one time someone totally weirded my out...
So alongside this last weekend being one of the shittiest weekend on the books for a really long time. It was also the weekend that someone found my creeped out line and crossed it...Which takes a whole lot.
At one point this weekend I was on stage looking around, and thought to myself red..."this has to be one really long crazy anxiety dream, you're going to wake up any second...any fucking second now...okay wake yourself up...fuck I'm not dreaming"
Maybe a little back story would be helpful. I was walking the floor and this "gentleman" *as you know I use the term gentleman pretty loosely* approaches me, asks me for a dance, but says that he wants it in one of the booths on the floor, no big deal not my favorite but that's okay. We head over for a dance, we start chatting. He asks me if I like men who wear womens lingerie, i'm indifferent to it, I mean it doesn't bother me, but it doesn't shock me any more either. So I give him the normal run down of rules like I do everyone. We dance for a song, then he wants to take a one some break, I begrudgingly agree, I don't like standing back and talking since my club marks us for that as dancing and it was a slow night and I knew that I would have to pay for that "dance". Anywho this is where shit gets weird...This guy asks me to dom for him, totally normal, that happens pretty frequently.
This "gentleman" starts describing the things he would like me to do, and the ways in which he would like to prove himself to me, one way in which he would like to submit to me is by me taking a crap on his chest and having him eat in, because in his mind he believes/ed that I'm perfect and there is no way my crap could taste bad. This, this is the line, I don't do blood, play, skat, piss, or vomit. I just don't.
Then this gentleman depicted the way in which he would like for me to organize a gangbang for him so he could basically play count the cocks while tied to a chair and suck at least 50 men off. Okay I don't care about this, except that it was a lot of cocks for me to think about.
Another one that hit the gross throw-up button for me was a lengthy dialogue about how he would love for me to drink a giant cocktail glass filled with the ejaculate of many men, however if I couldn't finish he would happily do it for me. I hate the idea of strange ejaculate in my throat it totally grosses me out the viscosity of it is absolutely foul to me.
The other one that sent me over the edge, and why I put up with this for so long was a description in how he wanted me to be his dom, because he knew that I was a really strong woman. He wanted me to treat him like a little girl, to pretend that he was a little girl..."around 13" Anything that involves anyone underage, or the idea of underage people totally creeps me out, especially when they (the person who wants to pretend to be that young) wants me to convince grown men to..."take them in the ass softly"
So since I had to suffer though all of this I'm forcing all of you dear readers to do the same. My sincerest apologies for the gross out, but I can't let them fester in my head.
Good luck and dont' forget to keep your stick on the ice.
At one point this weekend I was on stage looking around, and thought to myself red..."this has to be one really long crazy anxiety dream, you're going to wake up any second...any fucking second now...okay wake yourself up...fuck I'm not dreaming"
Maybe a little back story would be helpful. I was walking the floor and this "gentleman" *as you know I use the term gentleman pretty loosely* approaches me, asks me for a dance, but says that he wants it in one of the booths on the floor, no big deal not my favorite but that's okay. We head over for a dance, we start chatting. He asks me if I like men who wear womens lingerie, i'm indifferent to it, I mean it doesn't bother me, but it doesn't shock me any more either. So I give him the normal run down of rules like I do everyone. We dance for a song, then he wants to take a one some break, I begrudgingly agree, I don't like standing back and talking since my club marks us for that as dancing and it was a slow night and I knew that I would have to pay for that "dance". Anywho this is where shit gets weird...This guy asks me to dom for him, totally normal, that happens pretty frequently.
This "gentleman" starts describing the things he would like me to do, and the ways in which he would like to prove himself to me, one way in which he would like to submit to me is by me taking a crap on his chest and having him eat in, because in his mind he believes/ed that I'm perfect and there is no way my crap could taste bad. This, this is the line, I don't do blood, play, skat, piss, or vomit. I just don't.
Then this gentleman depicted the way in which he would like for me to organize a gangbang for him so he could basically play count the cocks while tied to a chair and suck at least 50 men off. Okay I don't care about this, except that it was a lot of cocks for me to think about.
Another one that hit the gross throw-up button for me was a lengthy dialogue about how he would love for me to drink a giant cocktail glass filled with the ejaculate of many men, however if I couldn't finish he would happily do it for me. I hate the idea of strange ejaculate in my throat it totally grosses me out the viscosity of it is absolutely foul to me.
The other one that sent me over the edge, and why I put up with this for so long was a description in how he wanted me to be his dom, because he knew that I was a really strong woman. He wanted me to treat him like a little girl, to pretend that he was a little girl..."around 13" Anything that involves anyone underage, or the idea of underage people totally creeps me out, especially when they (the person who wants to pretend to be that young) wants me to convince grown men to..."take them in the ass softly"
So since I had to suffer though all of this I'm forcing all of you dear readers to do the same. My sincerest apologies for the gross out, but I can't let them fester in my head.
Good luck and dont' forget to keep your stick on the ice.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Talk dirty to me.
Past sex lives since... I know, I know, I know, I have been single for a billion and a half years.
Bella said some funny things the other night like "Let's go dry hump some dicks for money" "I haven't gotten laid so long I don't remember who was the president"
On that note it's amazing how many dances I've sold telling people past sex stories, or how talking about math and money can turn people on in bed, in my past experiences.
Last weekend I told a little white lie...I didn't actually have sex so I made up a story and it was a slow night so what the hell change the hustle. So I gave people the option of either a) getting a dance from me b) being told the story of how I had sex for the first time in a long time or c) both It was amazing how many people chose C. I might have to make this part of my slow night hustle.
Bella said some funny things the other night like "Let's go dry hump some dicks for money" "I haven't gotten laid so long I don't remember who was the president"
On that note it's amazing how many dances I've sold telling people past sex stories, or how talking about math and money can turn people on in bed, in my past experiences.
Last weekend I told a little white lie...I didn't actually have sex so I made up a story and it was a slow night so what the hell change the hustle. So I gave people the option of either a) getting a dance from me b) being told the story of how I had sex for the first time in a long time or c) both It was amazing how many people chose C. I might have to make this part of my slow night hustle.
Public, Privet, and Secret lives OMG PICTURE INCLUDED
Everyone lives three lives, or so batman tells me, the more I think about it the more he's correct.
Although I feel like sometimes my privet life and my public life are one in the same, but that's more a personal problem than anything else. So here we go lets dive in shall we folks.
My public life as you know it I'm a student I study accounting. I'm constantly thinking about ways to improve business make new businesses (yes batman I'm a working on a business plan, Semi I want to go over it with you as well, if I can ever catch a day where I'm not deathly ill...Just kidding all better, and down literally only 7lbs WHOOOO) trying to help those around me succeed all whilst being successful for those of you reading this you obviously know that I'm a stripper...and if you didn't then there is the shocker for the day, hide your husbands and your wives, again kidding, you will have to excuse me I haven't been sleeping very much lately midterms and all so I think I'm hilarious but you may think I'm not. Also on the public life...I'm like a very expensive piece of furniture at my club (only because I have given them oh lets round down and skip all the vip rooms I've done and say they come out in the wash for the very few deals I have ever needed to in the ball park of over 20k I mean when I write it out it seems like a deal wait that per month it comes out to around 100k that tuition at a great school, instead I'm trying to convince people I'm attractive maybe now is a good time for a photo for those of you that don't know me, disregard you've already seen it,
The privet life thing is a little different, being a stripper is something I don't scream at the top of my lungs or go to protests dressed in all white with a big ass glittery sign equating the tuition spike to the number of dances I'm going to have to do. I keep it a little quieter, but lately, it's been coming out a little more, hence the confusion of public vs. privet. There are parts of this life you can't hide, like rolling into class on a Monday or Friday with slept in hooker face. Telling lab partners what you do and finding out they used to be married to a stripper late night like this. I'm so tired of staying up late. I hope I get to sleep at the dr. today. But my privet life is so much more than that it's this whole world, the the world I can't tell my parents about, it's the world I want everyone to understand but I know that they won't. It's the one thing write now that I really want to change amongst another million things I want to change...Like getting an hour of sleep on my couch I want to change that. Wait it's 8am I can finally put shit in the dryer. Sorry losing focus, sometimes this is my only outlet for my privet life. I used to tell friends what I was doing and they would all, always give me the same face...the RED, your too good for this and I worry about you face, and I would always have to reassure them that I was a big girl who could take care of herself which I'm pretty sure I have proved time and time again, with a few punches here, a few sit the fucks down there.
Then there is your secret life. Very few of you know about my secret life and if you do, you know I'm at a crux I'm at a point where I need to start making some choices on what I'm going to do right now. Holy shit we are fading fast. Sometimes I wish I could show people my privet life, and have them understand it, and not have it be a thing. Right now most of my life is so compartmentalized and so privet that my closest friends well that's not true Bulliet knows what's going on but very few other people do, and i'm perfectly okay with that. Excuse my grammar as it goes to shit as I star to do the head nod, which means I need to get at least one hour of sleep tonight/today, who knows. I didn't even realize that it's wednesday and I have to work tomorrow.
I saw semi today, and batman, I also saw west today three of my favorite people in the world, they make this flaky fleetly stripper feel grounded, and like I can be myself, I can order a drink in the middle of the day if I want to. I can wear short skirts if I want to. Two of them are great friends that I don't think are going anywhere who know a lot about all three of my lives. All of them sort of accept me for who I am, know that I have bigger dreams, I just run slowly after them. I'm very thankful for them. I'm also very thankful for west he has a particular tone of voice that calms me down.
I would say the only one that was missing was the DR, but I saw them yesterday (I'm so pissed at them for moving.), that person knows more about me than anyone should and if I run for office he may need to disappear.
Although I feel like sometimes my privet life and my public life are one in the same, but that's more a personal problem than anything else. So here we go lets dive in shall we folks.
My public life as you know it I'm a student I study accounting. I'm constantly thinking about ways to improve business make new businesses (yes batman I'm a working on a business plan, Semi I want to go over it with you as well, if I can ever catch a day where I'm not deathly ill...Just kidding all better, and down literally only 7lbs WHOOOO) trying to help those around me succeed all whilst being successful for those of you reading this you obviously know that I'm a stripper...and if you didn't then there is the shocker for the day, hide your husbands and your wives, again kidding, you will have to excuse me I haven't been sleeping very much lately midterms and all so I think I'm hilarious but you may think I'm not. Also on the public life...I'm like a very expensive piece of furniture at my club (only because I have given them oh lets round down and skip all the vip rooms I've done and say they come out in the wash for the very few deals I have ever needed to in the ball park of over 20k I mean when I write it out it seems like a deal wait that per month it comes out to around 100k that tuition at a great school, instead I'm trying to convince people I'm attractive maybe now is a good time for a photo for those of you that don't know me, disregard you've already seen it,
Anywho that's the jist of what I look like without a head...pretty sweet huh, oh and drop 10lbs off it.
or maybe I'm more like the wallpaper it's redish so if we had blue it would be like...hmmm something is missing, something doesn't feel right if I were to leave. A few others as well. This, became incredibly apparent to me tonight as I was getting a ride with some of the staff and one of them noted that I've been coming in extremely late (Sorry everyone, I'll be more diligent from now on)The privet life thing is a little different, being a stripper is something I don't scream at the top of my lungs or go to protests dressed in all white with a big ass glittery sign equating the tuition spike to the number of dances I'm going to have to do. I keep it a little quieter, but lately, it's been coming out a little more, hence the confusion of public vs. privet. There are parts of this life you can't hide, like rolling into class on a Monday or Friday with slept in hooker face. Telling lab partners what you do and finding out they used to be married to a stripper late night like this. I'm so tired of staying up late. I hope I get to sleep at the dr. today. But my privet life is so much more than that it's this whole world, the the world I can't tell my parents about, it's the world I want everyone to understand but I know that they won't. It's the one thing write now that I really want to change amongst another million things I want to change...Like getting an hour of sleep on my couch I want to change that. Wait it's 8am I can finally put shit in the dryer. Sorry losing focus, sometimes this is my only outlet for my privet life. I used to tell friends what I was doing and they would all, always give me the same face...the RED, your too good for this and I worry about you face, and I would always have to reassure them that I was a big girl who could take care of herself which I'm pretty sure I have proved time and time again, with a few punches here, a few sit the fucks down there.
Then there is your secret life. Very few of you know about my secret life and if you do, you know I'm at a crux I'm at a point where I need to start making some choices on what I'm going to do right now. Holy shit we are fading fast. Sometimes I wish I could show people my privet life, and have them understand it, and not have it be a thing. Right now most of my life is so compartmentalized and so privet that my closest friends well that's not true Bulliet knows what's going on but very few other people do, and i'm perfectly okay with that. Excuse my grammar as it goes to shit as I star to do the head nod, which means I need to get at least one hour of sleep tonight/today, who knows. I didn't even realize that it's wednesday and I have to work tomorrow.
I saw semi today, and batman, I also saw west today three of my favorite people in the world, they make this flaky fleetly stripper feel grounded, and like I can be myself, I can order a drink in the middle of the day if I want to. I can wear short skirts if I want to. Two of them are great friends that I don't think are going anywhere who know a lot about all three of my lives. All of them sort of accept me for who I am, know that I have bigger dreams, I just run slowly after them. I'm very thankful for them. I'm also very thankful for west he has a particular tone of voice that calms me down.
I would say the only one that was missing was the DR, but I saw them yesterday (I'm so pissed at them for moving.), that person knows more about me than anyone should and if I run for office he may need to disappear.
I FUCKING LOVE MY JOB!
I do, I really do love it. I love talking to people. I love when my faith in humanity is restored though the people I meet at work like Mr. Manhattan, or airplane guy, yoga guy, irish guy, asian guy, semi-annual D. Women like Bullet who I couldn't live without at times, I'm so lucky to have her as my best friend. The professor, well I mean I didn't meet him at work, but I think that it's part of the reason we are friends. H who I adore. I know I've missed some folks but it's late.
HOWEVER NIGHTS LIKE TONIGHT MAKE ME HATE MY JOB.
I was told tonight by a sir that I was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in real life, then asked me for 2.5 songs for 40 dollars. I hate when people tell me silly things and then try to low ball me. Compliments don't pay my bills. I wish they did, I could dole out compliments to all my bill collectors all day.
I hate when people try to put their fingers in my mouth.
Although I appreciate any money someone spends on me. I know how hard people work...at least as hard if not more hard than I do. HOWEVER on nights like tonight when it's slammed all i had tonight was the one dance one off. I don't know what I was doing wrong, but everyone (basically) bought one dance...it was awful. I hustled my ass off, I'm exhausted from trying so hard.
I hate when I'm walking by someone and they grab my arm so hard that they make me lose my balance. Putting a death grip on my ass.
I hate when dudes gyrate. Let me do the grinding, you are throwing off my whole game. Sit the fuck back and relax if you could dance you would have been a stripper trust me I've met plenty of male strippers.
DON'T MOTHER FUCKING LICK ME. I HATE IT, I'M A GERMAPHOBE. Lick me again and I'll rip your tongue out.
DO NOT PULL AT MY CLOTHING, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE.
It makes me want to punch you. If you want me to wear something specific email me or tell me some time, unless of course it's illegal then...no
Do not try to top from the bottom it's not okay, and it makes me want to show you what a real dom looks like you little bitch
Please stop pulling my underwear' up my ass, and over my hips, it's not the 90's and I don't like weggies.
Also if you ask me again how much to touch I'll be pulling out pinking shears and saying it's a finger every time...you programers are going to have to get creative with how you work.
Do not haggle the price with me, it's not negotiable. It is what I say it is, and it's insulting when you tell me how pretty I am and how much you like me, and then tell me i'm not worth TWENTYfuckingDOLLARS. You have no idea what an ego blow that is.
It's been a long couple of months get ready for some more rants followed by one good night and some other good stuff. Hang in there readers I promise it gets better.
HOWEVER NIGHTS LIKE TONIGHT MAKE ME HATE MY JOB.
I was told tonight by a sir that I was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in real life, then asked me for 2.5 songs for 40 dollars. I hate when people tell me silly things and then try to low ball me. Compliments don't pay my bills. I wish they did, I could dole out compliments to all my bill collectors all day.
I hate when people try to put their fingers in my mouth.
Although I appreciate any money someone spends on me. I know how hard people work...at least as hard if not more hard than I do. HOWEVER on nights like tonight when it's slammed all i had tonight was the one dance one off. I don't know what I was doing wrong, but everyone (basically) bought one dance...it was awful. I hustled my ass off, I'm exhausted from trying so hard.
I hate when I'm walking by someone and they grab my arm so hard that they make me lose my balance. Putting a death grip on my ass.
I hate when dudes gyrate. Let me do the grinding, you are throwing off my whole game. Sit the fuck back and relax if you could dance you would have been a stripper trust me I've met plenty of male strippers.
DON'T MOTHER FUCKING LICK ME. I HATE IT, I'M A GERMAPHOBE. Lick me again and I'll rip your tongue out.
DO NOT PULL AT MY CLOTHING, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE.
It makes me want to punch you. If you want me to wear something specific email me or tell me some time, unless of course it's illegal then...no
Do not try to top from the bottom it's not okay, and it makes me want to show you what a real dom looks like you little bitch
Please stop pulling my underwear' up my ass, and over my hips, it's not the 90's and I don't like weggies.
Also if you ask me again how much to touch I'll be pulling out pinking shears and saying it's a finger every time...you programers are going to have to get creative with how you work.
Do not haggle the price with me, it's not negotiable. It is what I say it is, and it's insulting when you tell me how pretty I am and how much you like me, and then tell me i'm not worth TWENTYfuckingDOLLARS. You have no idea what an ego blow that is.
It's been a long couple of months get ready for some more rants followed by one good night and some other good stuff. Hang in there readers I promise it gets better.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
MAYbe it's time for some MAY resolutions
you know because it's 5/12 of the way though the year.
So I've decided after a rough start to my year that I am giving up drama. I am getting rid of everyone who brings drama into my life, or likes drama, or anyone who is a drama magnet. I officially refuse to participate in these ridiculous childish games anymore.
I am absolutely appalled with myself as of late and the behavior I have put up with as of late, it's like all of a sudden I'm a doormat and for no real good reason. I've just been putting up with. I am no longer putting up with people playing games, or having insecurities that they project on to me, and then guilt trip me into what the fuck ever. Maybe I need to move my locker, maybe that will fix everything. Dais, I'm not talking about you...just so you know.
I am pushing away the people have been creating drama, or keeping themselves close to it in order to create some sort of excitement in their lives. I wish I could quit being so vague about things...BUT I CAN'T! GOD DAMN I WISH I COULD SPEAK FREELY BUT I FUCKING CAN'T OH MY GOD!
I am going to do my best to remind people that I didn't start this job to make friends, and I will not put up with the nonsense that has been coming my way, I don't care if I have to cut people off in the middle of their sentences, saying good-bye, and walking away.
I am also going to start speaking my mind and being myself...after this blog post. I swear.
I know this is going to sound totally crazy since I'm sure everyone already believes that I'm incredibly selfish already, but I'm not, contrary to popular belief, and I really do my best to try to make everyone else really happy. So much so that I've started getting panic attacks, because I have no time for myselfSO...I'M GOING TO START BEING ACTUALLY FACTUALLY SELFISH. Another 5/12 of the year resolution, I'm going to start doing what is best for me, and things that will make me happy, I literally need to quit worrying so much about everyone else so damn much. The rest of this year or at least until November is going to be solely about me.
I am going to focus more, and care less about wether or not it upsets people that I am unavailable to hang out with them. I WILL STAY HOME AND WATCH SEX AND THE CITY IF I WANT TO. I am only going to hang out with people that actually make me happy. I am tired of putting other peoples feelings before mine, I mean it's not bad to think about other people of course, but really, I really put so many people before me all the time, people who make it very clear that I mean very little to them.
I am so glad that apple added a block caller feature to their ios. I'm gonna put that puppy to work...Monday.
MAN does it feel good to get some shit off my chest.
Sorry excuse my personal life rant...As always thanks for reading, and I will do my best to post more frequently.
So I've decided after a rough start to my year that I am giving up drama. I am getting rid of everyone who brings drama into my life, or likes drama, or anyone who is a drama magnet. I officially refuse to participate in these ridiculous childish games anymore.
I am absolutely appalled with myself as of late and the behavior I have put up with as of late, it's like all of a sudden I'm a doormat and for no real good reason. I've just been putting up with. I am no longer putting up with people playing games, or having insecurities that they project on to me, and then guilt trip me into what the fuck ever. Maybe I need to move my locker, maybe that will fix everything. Dais, I'm not talking about you...just so you know.
I am pushing away the people have been creating drama, or keeping themselves close to it in order to create some sort of excitement in their lives. I wish I could quit being so vague about things...BUT I CAN'T! GOD DAMN I WISH I COULD SPEAK FREELY BUT I FUCKING CAN'T OH MY GOD!
I am going to do my best to remind people that I didn't start this job to make friends, and I will not put up with the nonsense that has been coming my way, I don't care if I have to cut people off in the middle of their sentences, saying good-bye, and walking away.
I am also going to start speaking my mind and being myself...after this blog post. I swear.
I know this is going to sound totally crazy since I'm sure everyone already believes that I'm incredibly selfish already, but I'm not, contrary to popular belief, and I really do my best to try to make everyone else really happy. So much so that I've started getting panic attacks, because I have no time for myselfSO...I'M GOING TO START BEING ACTUALLY FACTUALLY SELFISH. Another 5/12 of the year resolution, I'm going to start doing what is best for me, and things that will make me happy, I literally need to quit worrying so much about everyone else so damn much. The rest of this year or at least until November is going to be solely about me.
I am going to focus more, and care less about wether or not it upsets people that I am unavailable to hang out with them. I WILL STAY HOME AND WATCH SEX AND THE CITY IF I WANT TO. I am only going to hang out with people that actually make me happy. I am tired of putting other peoples feelings before mine, I mean it's not bad to think about other people of course, but really, I really put so many people before me all the time, people who make it very clear that I mean very little to them.
I am so glad that apple added a block caller feature to their ios. I'm gonna put that puppy to work...Monday.
MAN does it feel good to get some shit off my chest.
Sorry excuse my personal life rant...As always thanks for reading, and I will do my best to post more frequently.
Friday, April 25, 2014
FIFO/LIFO
First in First out Last in First out. Last in First out
The names have been changed to protect those involved.
Do you all remember eons ago when I wrote about the gentleman from philly? This last weekend I met someone else who stuck with me. There are certain people that you meet in this job who you can't forget even if you want to.
He made it on the top compliment list. He was the second person ever to call me majestic...That's not what landed him on the list.
I don't remember exactly what he said but it was something about being smart, and beautiful. Or something, it was the end(ish) of the night and also a week ago and I didn't write it down.
A while back someone asked me if I ever fall in love at work. I would say I don't fall in love with people from work, there are pieces of me that don't work, mostly the part that gets turned on and the part that falls in love...Sorry ya'll didn't mean to burst your bubble.
This Manhattan Man gave me some hope and I know it's silly, but some times it's a good reminder to be reminded that your a good person, and more than just a stripper. This gentleman totally inflated my ego by telling me how smart I am. For once it wasn't an insult, unlike tonight when I sat down with two men and the one Bud was telling his friend Sam, how he believes that I am one of the hottest girls at the club, then he went on to say..."but she's really smart, so that can be intimidating, and a challenge...you know you don't have to have a deep conversation with everyone right? You could just talk about how looked at the back of your hand today...right?"
It's funny how the bad things stick with us so much more than the good. (Last in First out) and how it comes out in here. Or the seemingly bad. It's also funny how you can spin just about anything into something positive, even when it's really hurtful.
The names have been changed to protect those involved.
Do you all remember eons ago when I wrote about the gentleman from philly? This last weekend I met someone else who stuck with me. There are certain people that you meet in this job who you can't forget even if you want to.
He made it on the top compliment list. He was the second person ever to call me majestic...That's not what landed him on the list.
I don't remember exactly what he said but it was something about being smart, and beautiful. Or something, it was the end(ish) of the night and also a week ago and I didn't write it down.
A while back someone asked me if I ever fall in love at work. I would say I don't fall in love with people from work, there are pieces of me that don't work, mostly the part that gets turned on and the part that falls in love...Sorry ya'll didn't mean to burst your bubble.
This Manhattan Man gave me some hope and I know it's silly, but some times it's a good reminder to be reminded that your a good person, and more than just a stripper. This gentleman totally inflated my ego by telling me how smart I am. For once it wasn't an insult, unlike tonight when I sat down with two men and the one Bud was telling his friend Sam, how he believes that I am one of the hottest girls at the club, then he went on to say..."but she's really smart, so that can be intimidating, and a challenge...you know you don't have to have a deep conversation with everyone right? You could just talk about how looked at the back of your hand today...right?"
It's funny how the bad things stick with us so much more than the good. (Last in First out) and how it comes out in here. Or the seemingly bad. It's also funny how you can spin just about anything into something positive, even when it's really hurtful.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
What type of stripper...
This is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo good luck...
The other day I drove out to the east-side to visit two of my fave girls that I haven't seen in a while. I got dressed to go out there we have a running joke about if you have a bun in your hair or you are wearing sweatpants you obviously give no shits about life and shouldn't be seen outside. It's all in good fun. So when I arrive blonde let me in and I can here from the back bed room OMG is that red, please tell me she didn't dress up. I walk back there and find out that brunette is chillin in pj pants and both of them are watching superbad. I was totally envious that they could chill all day, because I have school and what not and I feel like I'm always running around. So I took a moment to hang out with them and have a few girl laughs.
It really does make me wonder though...What the fuck am I doing right now, sure I do enjoy life to the fullest every day I believe in drinking wine and eating good food, seeing friends when I can, and the place that I live is really important to me. I know that I rent but my home is my stripper sanctuary it's my happy place I go to even in my head when people at work are bugging me.
Also I go to school, and slowly but surely I'm getting through it and I feel good about it, I need to spend more time on it thought but I feel at times like I'm being pulled in too many directions. BLAH BLAH REAL LIFE BULLSHIT
Then there are the strippers who of course have invited me to hang out with them after work every night and I never go because I have to get up in the morning, but it always sounds so fun to go after work and hit up some after hours or have a girls night watching movies and eating junk food.
Now for a drop of drama...The other night I looked in the mirror at work and commented to the girls around that I felt super hot, and one of them got back to me with "Don't be cocky" I know that sounds totally stupid but I'm not cocky, and something about that comment light a mother fucking fire under my ass to be the best fucking person in the building again. I was so fucking pissed that someone would think I'm cocky when literally I could run around being like "I'M THE HOTTEST BITCH IN THIS PLACE SO GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY" BUT...at the same time it really helped me refocus I really needed that reminder that actions speak louder than words, and I should continue to just be me, not get caught up in the gossip, and remember that it's a friendly competition...that I really desire to win...So I know you read my blog, I'm not mad, thank you for the ass kicking I needed that.
I love my life and I love my job, but right now I'm a little like...um...my personal time is a little confusing...So I've decided to go to bed earlier, I find that sleep and water fixes most of what ails me so...goodnight.
The other day I drove out to the east-side to visit two of my fave girls that I haven't seen in a while. I got dressed to go out there we have a running joke about if you have a bun in your hair or you are wearing sweatpants you obviously give no shits about life and shouldn't be seen outside. It's all in good fun. So when I arrive blonde let me in and I can here from the back bed room OMG is that red, please tell me she didn't dress up. I walk back there and find out that brunette is chillin in pj pants and both of them are watching superbad. I was totally envious that they could chill all day, because I have school and what not and I feel like I'm always running around. So I took a moment to hang out with them and have a few girl laughs.
It really does make me wonder though...What the fuck am I doing right now, sure I do enjoy life to the fullest every day I believe in drinking wine and eating good food, seeing friends when I can, and the place that I live is really important to me. I know that I rent but my home is my stripper sanctuary it's my happy place I go to even in my head when people at work are bugging me.
Also I go to school, and slowly but surely I'm getting through it and I feel good about it, I need to spend more time on it thought but I feel at times like I'm being pulled in too many directions. BLAH BLAH REAL LIFE BULLSHIT
Then there are the strippers who of course have invited me to hang out with them after work every night and I never go because I have to get up in the morning, but it always sounds so fun to go after work and hit up some after hours or have a girls night watching movies and eating junk food.
Now for a drop of drama...The other night I looked in the mirror at work and commented to the girls around that I felt super hot, and one of them got back to me with "Don't be cocky" I know that sounds totally stupid but I'm not cocky, and something about that comment light a mother fucking fire under my ass to be the best fucking person in the building again. I was so fucking pissed that someone would think I'm cocky when literally I could run around being like "I'M THE HOTTEST BITCH IN THIS PLACE SO GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY" BUT...at the same time it really helped me refocus I really needed that reminder that actions speak louder than words, and I should continue to just be me, not get caught up in the gossip, and remember that it's a friendly competition...that I really desire to win...So I know you read my blog, I'm not mad, thank you for the ass kicking I needed that.
I love my life and I love my job, but right now I'm a little like...um...my personal time is a little confusing...So I've decided to go to bed earlier, I find that sleep and water fixes most of what ails me so...goodnight.
Monday, March 10, 2014
doing the right thing and having it going completely wrong...and judgemental assholes
I was reading through some old blog posts about the firstish dates and I missed one a really good one so I thought now would be a good time to bring it up... We were talking about judgmental people tonight in the locker room
I was on my way home from running errands down town one night and stopped by a hotel bar for a snack and a drink, I sat down on the couch at the far end of the bar threw my bags down and my coat. Looked around the room and wondered how many people could tell I wasn't wearing a bra, or if that people assumed a Victoria Secret bag and a Sephora bag = stripper. I don't think so...or if due to the size of my breasts they wondered why the hell I wasn't wearing a bra.
SO I'm sitting minding my own business and this attractive to me at the time came up to me and sat down and started asking really good questions, and was really interesting. Lets fast forward.
We went to brunch had another great time.
We went to a movie the next week, he was so sweet brought me down a coffee...we start walking to the movie in the rain, and I just remember my heart pounding out of my chest, since I knew what I to say. We were one block away this dude walked really fast so I stopped him and said "There is something I really need to tell you. I am exactly who I say I am, and I have not lied about that, I just have an addition, and it could be a deal breaker and that's totally fine and I understand if it is that you if you run away right now. I'm a stripper"
The look he gave me gave the whole thing away I had seen that look so many times before, the look of complete disappointment.
However he decided he still wanted to sit through a movie with me, and he appreciated my honesty. At the end of he movie he made up some excuse I don't remember anymore, and gave me a hug, and said I'll hit you up later. I said "No you won't hit me up later, this isn't my first rodeo" He promised he wasn't like that...fast forward about a year.
I could have been so selfish and lied to him for a really long time about why I was busy on the weekends, but no, I didn't, people are so judgmental
How is it that even though I have been doing this for about as long as this blog has existed it still surprises me how judgmental people can be...How is it someone can be in finance during the day, or a lawyer, producer, doctor etc. But get completely shit faced on the weekends or in the evening and put whatever they can up their noses, but somehow that's totally socially acceptable but being a sober stripper is not.
Or my other favorite when Custy's with the aforementioned jobs who also believe themselves to be good looking and have no reason to be in a strip club are in strip clubs and make fun of other custy's because they don't look like them. One of my favorite people that comes in occasionally is a welder, I think he's great, and he's funny...he wear's carhartts and tee's sometimes, he dresses comfortably. There was one time I was sitting with a doctor who was talking shit about him that he can't be that way of a person due to the way he looks. I got so mad. I turned to him and said, that man has a heart bigger than yours, cares so much about his nieces and nephews, is always polite, unlike you, he isn't a flashy douche who talks about how much money he has but doesn't spend it and has not reason to be in the strip club but yet you are...
The moral of the story as I'm half asleep is do not judge a book by it's cover, or as stripper by her shoes.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Radio interview...and a bunch of bullshit about things I'm considering talking about.
Yup another radio interview tomorrow for I think a small personally owned radio station they want to ask the usual questions. I'm sure the question about relationships is coming up which moves us into strippers and boyfriends. Mind you I know some girls with very healthy relationships, I'll be talking about them soon. HOWEVER I HAVE MAGICALLY CONVINCED GIRLS TO LET ME INTERVIEW THEM ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIPS GET READY INTERNET THIS NEW SEGMENT IS GOING TO BE GOOD.
We all complain about the same things (hence why I don't date)
Things our boyfriends hate collectively.
1) They hate our jobs, but love our money
2) Hate how much or when we work, but don't mind spending our money or getting gifts.
3) If we mention we want something say as a gift from say our boyfriend they tell us to ask a custy, but hate when we go in early.
3a) When they want a gift they ask us to ask our customers
PREVIEW.
1.One girl dates a dude who only wears rick owens and owns enough clothes he could own a house. I understand that I love rick owens and I love clothes...also he buys them. I've met him he's hilarious. They also have a pretty healthy view on dating.
2.Another girl just dates a shitty dude I'll be talking a whole lot about him.
3. Another dates a hippie with a radiology degree who doesn't use it.
4. One girl went on a date with a dude I went on a date with the one who camped on my lawn...man I hope I wrote about that.
5. I'll be dishing dirt on dudes I've dated, and the type of guy I actually like...and maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, I'll dish on dudes I've actually had crushes on...like real ones.
However don't worry I'll still be talking about stripper shit, because no one wants to read about rom-com crap.
Sorry I suppose I'm just a little excited that my writers block is over.
We all complain about the same things (hence why I don't date)
Things our boyfriends hate collectively.
1) They hate our jobs, but love our money
2) Hate how much or when we work, but don't mind spending our money or getting gifts.
3) If we mention we want something say as a gift from say our boyfriend they tell us to ask a custy, but hate when we go in early.
3a) When they want a gift they ask us to ask our customers
PREVIEW.
1.One girl dates a dude who only wears rick owens and owns enough clothes he could own a house. I understand that I love rick owens and I love clothes...also he buys them. I've met him he's hilarious. They also have a pretty healthy view on dating.
2.Another girl just dates a shitty dude I'll be talking a whole lot about him.
3. Another dates a hippie with a radiology degree who doesn't use it.
4. One girl went on a date with a dude I went on a date with the one who camped on my lawn...man I hope I wrote about that.
5. I'll be dishing dirt on dudes I've dated, and the type of guy I actually like...and maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, I'll dish on dudes I've actually had crushes on...like real ones.
However don't worry I'll still be talking about stripper shit, because no one wants to read about rom-com crap.
Sorry I suppose I'm just a little excited that my writers block is over.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
NEW BLOG TOPICS DATING STRIPPERS AND SEX TOYS
So lately I feel like my blog is all blah, blah, blah whoa the fuck is me...So It's time to start about my sex toy adventures and the dating adventurers of other strippers since I'm obviously very busy with my own drawer of toys.
First I want to talk about the Fun Factory's new toy, first off it's a German company, and the object itself is made out of medical grade silicon. Downside this silicon it collects lint better than my ling brush, I need to find a nice little lint free bag for it, so I can keep it lint free. (duh, yay for redundancy) ((ALSO I SUPPOSE IF I END UP HATING IT OR BREAKING IT I WILL HAVE A SUPER EFFECTIVE LINT BRUSH, BECAUSE I"M IN THE MARKET FOR ONE OF THOSE WITH A DOG AND ALL) Anyway the toy is called stronic eins. It means the strong one or something like that. My first impression upon reading the instructions is it's apparently very relaxing, you can read a book, look at your ipad, or drink a cocktail up no less.
So lets talk about function and fun quickly since it's now past my bed time. It has like a billion modes and unlike most consulater it doesn't vibrate. It thrusts HOLY FUCKING, FUCK, FUCK IT THRUST. Not like a sex machine because apparently those things thrust this is how can I compare it...considering I've never used one, but I have looked at quite a few photos. So a sex machine is like watching The game of Thrones, it's scary, detailed, full of surprises, expensive to produce. The Stronic Eins is like watching Sherlock on the bbc it's sexy in a foreign sexy way, and a smart sexy way and an over thinking lots of options, but the ending is always good...and sexy kind of way. A few other puny Sherlock tips to maximize your enjoyment the object itself is a bit dry so I recommend ( and so does the fun factory) a generous amount of lube. Ok I'm out of Sherlock jokes I'm officially tired and need to wrap this up.
For those of you that have talked to me about sex todays before you know damn well I know my shit, and there are a few that I absolutely love. You may find that I seem pretentious in my choice of toys but that's not true I just like nice things...Stronic Eins is gonna run you about $200 dollars, which is less than say...shoes, a dress, getting your nails done touching up your roots, making a Sephora run, only to go out on a shitty date, with a shitty dude, who doesn't even offer to pay, won't open doors for you, and never compliments all the aforementioned nice things you did to look good (Someone please remind me why dating is good again?)
That being said the Stonic Eins is a new favorite, the thrusting is pretty fucking amazing (get it, fucking amazing) I crack myself up at 4am. However it is not the fave that's going to take a while to write.
Alright kids, be good, be reckless, have fun, but don't do anything to hurt a strippers feelings.
First I want to talk about the Fun Factory's new toy, first off it's a German company, and the object itself is made out of medical grade silicon. Downside this silicon it collects lint better than my ling brush, I need to find a nice little lint free bag for it, so I can keep it lint free. (duh, yay for redundancy) ((ALSO I SUPPOSE IF I END UP HATING IT OR BREAKING IT I WILL HAVE A SUPER EFFECTIVE LINT BRUSH, BECAUSE I"M IN THE MARKET FOR ONE OF THOSE WITH A DOG AND ALL) Anyway the toy is called stronic eins. It means the strong one or something like that. My first impression upon reading the instructions is it's apparently very relaxing, you can read a book, look at your ipad, or drink a cocktail up no less.
So lets talk about function and fun quickly since it's now past my bed time. It has like a billion modes and unlike most consulater it doesn't vibrate. It thrusts HOLY FUCKING, FUCK, FUCK IT THRUST. Not like a sex machine because apparently those things thrust this is how can I compare it...considering I've never used one, but I have looked at quite a few photos. So a sex machine is like watching The game of Thrones, it's scary, detailed, full of surprises, expensive to produce. The Stronic Eins is like watching Sherlock on the bbc it's sexy in a foreign sexy way, and a smart sexy way and an over thinking lots of options, but the ending is always good...and sexy kind of way. A few other puny Sherlock tips to maximize your enjoyment the object itself is a bit dry so I recommend ( and so does the fun factory) a generous amount of lube. Ok I'm out of Sherlock jokes I'm officially tired and need to wrap this up.
For those of you that have talked to me about sex todays before you know damn well I know my shit, and there are a few that I absolutely love. You may find that I seem pretentious in my choice of toys but that's not true I just like nice things...Stronic Eins is gonna run you about $200 dollars, which is less than say...shoes, a dress, getting your nails done touching up your roots, making a Sephora run, only to go out on a shitty date, with a shitty dude, who doesn't even offer to pay, won't open doors for you, and never compliments all the aforementioned nice things you did to look good (Someone please remind me why dating is good again?)
That being said the Stonic Eins is a new favorite, the thrusting is pretty fucking amazing (get it, fucking amazing) I crack myself up at 4am. However it is not the fave that's going to take a while to write.
Alright kids, be good, be reckless, have fun, but don't do anything to hurt a strippers feelings.
Monday, February 24, 2014
It's Monday Bitch...
Seriously most mondays kill me and today should be no exception I am running on basically empty but there is just something about this morning when I woke up from my "nap" I thought DAMN IT IS FUCKING GOOD TO BE ME. I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYONE ELSE TODAY. I really don't think anything can riff my vibe today.
Mind you I have thought all of this before venturing into what looks like grey soup outside, I'm sure that will be a reality check of some sort.
Mind you I have thought all of this before venturing into what looks like grey soup outside, I'm sure that will be a reality check of some sort.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
Holy Crap...
When was the last time I wrote anything...
Here is a story to keep you entertained.
Preface...My geography knowledge is pretty okay...However Custys give me shit for not having perfect knowledge of it. So I love when people mess up but this one takes the cake.
R: So where are you from.
C: I grew up in Guadalajara.
R: Really...what brought you here?
C: My family.
R: That's nice. How long have you lived here?
C: 18 years.
R: Wow, that's quite some time.
C: So where are you from?
R: I'm from Wisconsin.
C: Really, where is that?
R: It's on of the most northern, midwestern states.
C: That's cool my cousin in from Georgia.
R: That's nice, I love the south, Georgia is roughly 5 states south of Wisconsin.
C: Where did you say it was again.
R: The north, it's bordered by 2 of the Great Lakes.
C: So it's, it's own country right? You speak english there right?
R: *blank stare* No, it's part of the united states...unless you are referring to the countryside, in which case yes, it is quite rural. BUT...again no, not it's own individual country.
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY TEACHING IN HIGH SCHOOLS AROUND HERE!
Here is a story to keep you entertained.
Preface...My geography knowledge is pretty okay...However Custys give me shit for not having perfect knowledge of it. So I love when people mess up but this one takes the cake.
R: So where are you from.
C: I grew up in Guadalajara.
R: Really...what brought you here?
C: My family.
R: That's nice. How long have you lived here?
C: 18 years.
R: Wow, that's quite some time.
C: So where are you from?
R: I'm from Wisconsin.
C: Really, where is that?
R: It's on of the most northern, midwestern states.
C: That's cool my cousin in from Georgia.
R: That's nice, I love the south, Georgia is roughly 5 states south of Wisconsin.
C: Where did you say it was again.
R: The north, it's bordered by 2 of the Great Lakes.
C: So it's, it's own country right? You speak english there right?
R: *blank stare* No, it's part of the united states...unless you are referring to the countryside, in which case yes, it is quite rural. BUT...again no, not it's own individual country.
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY TEACHING IN HIGH SCHOOLS AROUND HERE!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Out smarting a stripper
...or out smarting this stripper is harder that you may think, not impossible, not evenly slightly impossible, but most of the time I have a leg up on you (literally, and figuratively). I'm probably not nearly as drunk as you(if at all for that matter), and I know you are trying to be witty and run circles around me. Which means you are throwing the first pitch, and I've got a little more time than you to come up with a response. However, it has been stated at times that my logic might be a little feeble, I beg to differ of course, but it does help if you actually have logic, that's you know logical. Like... saying that I'm tricking you with a dance, just because you think with absolutely no explanation of how I am tricking you isn't exactly solid. Also, saying that I'm tricking you because I'm not going to go home with you at the end of a single dance, is also not exactly solid, I mean really logically think about it....
Cost of an average date say dinner and a movie
Dinner at a decent/trendy-ish resto $150
A movie +snacks $40
(if you go to one of those places you can drink it would be about 80, those places are great one of the local ones apparently brings you chilled junior mints in a chilled cocktail glass. How fun is that? Pretty fun by my standards) so add on another 40 or so.
Cab from dinner to movie $10
Total cost $200
This is your first date you probably aren't getting laid.
Cost of Dinner followed by drinks
Dinner at the aforementioned resto $150
Cab to bar $10
Drinks 4 cocktails and @$11 for your date $44
5 beers ?$30? I don't drink beer so I don't know how much it cost
6 shots of bourbon @$8 $48 because it's gotta get crazy at some point right?
Total cost $282
Now lets just average those together for your third date which is traditionally when you would sleep with the girl you are pursuing. $200+$282=($482/2)=$241
And lets add them together so you have an idea of your investment just to "get it in" as they say
$200
$282
$241
Initial investment cost $723.00
Now tell me in what logical way is it possible that any girl is going to sleep with a man who claims to have a good career for $20 it just doesn't quite add up.
Don't get me wrong I know this isn't every dating situation and I know there are lots of less expensive things you can do on dates, blah, blah, blah.
However when requesting sex from someone who really, really, really, really, really, really, DOES NOT HAVE SEX FOR MONEY and you know expects the same respect as the rest of the women in the world, it really doesn't make any sense.
Here is a cute photo of a dog dressed
like Mr. Monopoly to help you think
Cost of an average date say dinner and a movie
Dinner at a decent/trendy-ish resto $150
A movie +snacks $40
(if you go to one of those places you can drink it would be about 80, those places are great one of the local ones apparently brings you chilled junior mints in a chilled cocktail glass. How fun is that? Pretty fun by my standards) so add on another 40 or so.
Cab from dinner to movie $10
Total cost $200
This is your first date you probably aren't getting laid.
Cost of Dinner followed by drinks
Dinner at the aforementioned resto $150
Cab to bar $10
Drinks 4 cocktails and @$11 for your date $44
5 beers ?$30? I don't drink beer so I don't know how much it cost
6 shots of bourbon @$8 $48 because it's gotta get crazy at some point right?
Total cost $282
Now lets just average those together for your third date which is traditionally when you would sleep with the girl you are pursuing. $200+$282=($482/2)=$241
And lets add them together so you have an idea of your investment just to "get it in" as they say
$200
$282
$241
Initial investment cost $723.00
Now tell me in what logical way is it possible that any girl is going to sleep with a man who claims to have a good career for $20 it just doesn't quite add up.
Don't get me wrong I know this isn't every dating situation and I know there are lots of less expensive things you can do on dates, blah, blah, blah.
However when requesting sex from someone who really, really, really, really, really, really, DOES NOT HAVE SEX FOR MONEY and you know expects the same respect as the rest of the women in the world, it really doesn't make any sense.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Dirty is a subjective word...apparently
Tonight a very large well dressed man came in who subsequently pulled out a bunch of money. Luis suggested I go talk to him. I crouched down in front of him like I usually do ( Lol's told me ages ago, that it was the least intimidating way to approach a man). As I'm crouching in front of him he says I must only be a pretty face since I was crouching. I stood up and all of a sudden I hear a DAMN GIRL why do you crouch, get up here and sit down.
So I picked a perch on his lap and he said the funniest things...
"I guess I can't buy you boobs, you already have them"
" Damn you've got a nice ass"
" I can tell by the way you are dressed that you are a good girl, and you don't do anything outside the lines" " I mean I am looking for a SLUT you know? I know you ain't a slut"
I followed with...Well you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover (I mean duh...I no sucki fucki)
Karm caught me in the locker room and told me he really wanted to dance with me. I thought it was a good time to ask her what exactly he was looking for before I bit off more than I could chew. I told her what he said, she laughed at me. She was like "Oh...red, he just wants girls to talk dirty"
Later in the evening I met a man who agreed to a dance. After the first dance he told me he was disappointed and that I wasn't giving him some sort of crazy dance. I asked him a bunch of times what crazy things he was looking for, he couldn't really give me an answer he just kept trying to push my buttons. So I ever so politely choked him, applied some pressure to a few pressure points. As I'm carefully hurting this man...He starts talking about how that is the type of dance that he wanted, and why didn't I start out doing that.
So dirty is/was apparently subjective word tonight. It's interesting what the range of dirty is. When I hear dirty in the strip club I think of a few things, and most of them require knowing someones real name and a slight medical history.
So I picked a perch on his lap and he said the funniest things...
"I guess I can't buy you boobs, you already have them"
" Damn you've got a nice ass"
" I can tell by the way you are dressed that you are a good girl, and you don't do anything outside the lines" " I mean I am looking for a SLUT you know? I know you ain't a slut"
I followed with...Well you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover (I mean duh...I no sucki fucki)
Karm caught me in the locker room and told me he really wanted to dance with me. I thought it was a good time to ask her what exactly he was looking for before I bit off more than I could chew. I told her what he said, she laughed at me. She was like "Oh...red, he just wants girls to talk dirty"
Later in the evening I met a man who agreed to a dance. After the first dance he told me he was disappointed and that I wasn't giving him some sort of crazy dance. I asked him a bunch of times what crazy things he was looking for, he couldn't really give me an answer he just kept trying to push my buttons. So I ever so politely choked him, applied some pressure to a few pressure points. As I'm carefully hurting this man...He starts talking about how that is the type of dance that he wanted, and why didn't I start out doing that.
So dirty is/was apparently subjective word tonight. It's interesting what the range of dirty is. When I hear dirty in the strip club I think of a few things, and most of them require knowing someones real name and a slight medical history.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Locker room talk
Tonight there was a lot of yelling happening in the locker room. Usually this indicates a fight of some sort, but tonight was a little different. It was yelling we save only for extreme bitch sessions. One of the girls recently was broken up with by a guy who came over to her house right before christmas, had sex with her, left, and then text her it was over.
As we women do sometimes we bond over shit like shitty ex's Stripper B started talking about how she's still in love with a dude who has made it very apparent that he is not that into her unless he is in her. With texts like "I'm at the gym doing me".
I dated a dude once who wouldn't go to the grocery store and seemed to wait for me to go. I can also count on one hand how many times he went to the grocery store for us. Also how many times he offered to pay for some of the groceries. He also would work at the dining room table, while working and I would be making dinner he would turn say he couldn't talk and put in ear plugs, or he would just leave.
Which brought us to the question we are literally 3 of the hottest girl in the club, and I as I like to say do things like go to school, and work out, and cook, I'm a pretty okay (great) catch, but somehow we find people that make it oh so clear THAT THEY JUST AREN'T THAT INTO US. Somehow we just can't get it though our pretty little skulls.
As we women do sometimes we bond over shit like shitty ex's Stripper B started talking about how she's still in love with a dude who has made it very apparent that he is not that into her unless he is in her. With texts like "I'm at the gym doing me".
I dated a dude once who wouldn't go to the grocery store and seemed to wait for me to go. I can also count on one hand how many times he went to the grocery store for us. Also how many times he offered to pay for some of the groceries. He also would work at the dining room table, while working and I would be making dinner he would turn say he couldn't talk and put in ear plugs, or he would just leave.
Which brought us to the question we are literally 3 of the hottest girl in the club, and I as I like to say do things like go to school, and work out, and cook, I'm a pretty okay (great) catch, but somehow we find people that make it oh so clear THAT THEY JUST AREN'T THAT INTO US. Somehow we just can't get it though our pretty little skulls.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
It's cozy down here...
Preface...Thank you all for sticking with me, through all of it.
This weekend something crazy happened...I found the bottom of feeling bad, I know I've been whining about it for months now...Literally, and I had no idea how to change it. I'd been having things that seemed like panic attacks when I would leave work, or when I arrived at work, I was scared to talk to anyone, I started thinking of all my flaws when I approached people at work. I hadn't been sleeping very much, because I've been trying to be a super hero and get everything done, spend time with people blah, blah, blahThat's right everyone Red, was scared to talk to people.
So last night...I snapped, I lost it, I was totally inconsolable. I was just walking around crying, sitting and crying. It was awful. It all started from some kid from Dubai telling me that he didn't want a dance because he wasn't there to dance he was there to fuck...for less than $20. It clicked something in my mind, and replayed all the times in the past few months and men had told me that they didn't think a dance was worth $20, and there was no value in it to them. Which in my dumb, dumb, stripper brain translated too...YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. (Which is absolutely not true at all, of course I am worth it.) I started laughing at him, and shaking him a little bit, it occurred to me that his english was not the best, and sadly started telling him how much he hurt my feelings and how upset I was that some smelly kid with bad hair and bad breath didn't think I was good enough, that I work out all the time, and I go to school, and I wear a DDD cup bra or for the rest of the world a F cup and a great ass, and long gorgeous hair. I looked so crazy, SO FUCKING CRAZY. He laughed, and laughed as I was talking about how upset I was, and doubled checked to make sure he didn't understand me. I suppose that's one of the joys of this job, sometimes you can say crazy shit and no one hears you.
The momentary water works started then. I pulled it together. Moved on.
Then I went and asked another gentleman for a dance and he turned me down for someone else, which is totally fine, she's very sweet, but I really didn't understand at that moment why I was being turned down for others left and right. I KNOW, I KNOW, DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS. That's totally fine, I understand. As a friendly reminder I look like this...
I SWEAR IT GETS BETTER FROM HERE AND I BASICALLY QUIT WHINING.
Eventually I realize I totally need to pull it together and try to make some money. So I slam a glass of wine (bad idea...sort of) and hit the floor. A little liquid confidence is needed sometimes. I walk up to this gentleman (all bleary eyed and fuzzy post cry vision, and a little wine brain). I introduce myself to him, and his friend heckles him into getting a dance with me. Just as we sit down for a dance, it occurs to me that know this man, we had really long conversations together, and he rarely buys dances, so all of a sudden I'm really confused, and my confidence has totally returned. This man on various occasions has said that he believes in me, and my dreams, and my love of art, and interest in investing. One time months and months ago we were talking about TED talks, as we were talking about this, he gave me one of the greatest compliments I have ever received, he said "I would love to hear you give a TED talk, I think it would be great".
I went home, watched some crappy tv, and went to bed. I woke up this morning still feeling like shit. So I snuggled my puppy, closed my blinds and slept for most of the day. I woke up around 4 snuggled my puppy some more. I started to think about the previous day, and how everything went down, and I started thinking about my new years resolutions, one of them was really important and it is... that I take better care of myself, that I start being nice to myself, that I quit beating my self up when I'm not perfect in someone else's eyes. I've always been good enough, which is why I felt like I would be a great Stripper because of my confidence.
Somehow my confidence was lost recently, and I know it takes more than one day of sleeping in to regain it but...I thought, and thought, and thought, and I'm going to be just fine. I'm still me, I'm still here, I'm still all the things I toot my own horn about.
So tonight I went to work, and I was me again, shark walk and all, I reminded myself I can't be anyone else except for myself, which is really who I need to be. I've been wondering so much lately why it seems people don't like me and that's why, I must seem so fake lately. So tonight I went back to being me, and tomorrow I'm going to keep being me, in every aspect of my life, and stop trying to be someone else. SOOOOOOOOOOOO identity crisis is over.
That's the nice thing about finding the bottom, the only way to go is up. Here is to a new year, and an old me, and returning to being the person I love.
Thank you all for sticking with me, through all of it. Reading all my whining, although I don't know all of you personally, but I really appreciate you.
This weekend something crazy happened...I found the bottom of feeling bad, I know I've been whining about it for months now...Literally, and I had no idea how to change it. I'd been having things that seemed like panic attacks when I would leave work, or when I arrived at work, I was scared to talk to anyone, I started thinking of all my flaws when I approached people at work. I hadn't been sleeping very much, because I've been trying to be a super hero and get everything done, spend time with people blah, blah, blahThat's right everyone Red, was scared to talk to people.
So last night...I snapped, I lost it, I was totally inconsolable. I was just walking around crying, sitting and crying. It was awful. It all started from some kid from Dubai telling me that he didn't want a dance because he wasn't there to dance he was there to fuck...for less than $20. It clicked something in my mind, and replayed all the times in the past few months and men had told me that they didn't think a dance was worth $20, and there was no value in it to them. Which in my dumb, dumb, stripper brain translated too...YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. (Which is absolutely not true at all, of course I am worth it.) I started laughing at him, and shaking him a little bit, it occurred to me that his english was not the best, and sadly started telling him how much he hurt my feelings and how upset I was that some smelly kid with bad hair and bad breath didn't think I was good enough, that I work out all the time, and I go to school, and I wear a DDD cup bra or for the rest of the world a F cup and a great ass, and long gorgeous hair. I looked so crazy, SO FUCKING CRAZY. He laughed, and laughed as I was talking about how upset I was, and doubled checked to make sure he didn't understand me. I suppose that's one of the joys of this job, sometimes you can say crazy shit and no one hears you.
The momentary water works started then. I pulled it together. Moved on.
Then I went and asked another gentleman for a dance and he turned me down for someone else, which is totally fine, she's very sweet, but I really didn't understand at that moment why I was being turned down for others left and right. I KNOW, I KNOW, DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS. That's totally fine, I understand. As a friendly reminder I look like this...
I'm the one on your left..
I also look like this...
...just in case you were curious.
THEN, THEN, I TOTALLY lost my shit. I started crying, and crying, and talking about how I didn't understand what was wrong with me, and why I wasn't good enough, or why I wasn't attractive enough, smart enough, witty enough. As I'm crying about how awful I feeling, I'm noticing who is trying to console me and who is walking past and not saying anything. That totally made everything worse, I started thinking about how many people I have comforted when they are crying. SILVER LINING NUMBER ONE FIGURING OUT WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE. So I keep crying like a girl.I SWEAR IT GETS BETTER FROM HERE AND I BASICALLY QUIT WHINING.
Eventually I realize I totally need to pull it together and try to make some money. So I slam a glass of wine (bad idea...sort of) and hit the floor. A little liquid confidence is needed sometimes. I walk up to this gentleman (all bleary eyed and fuzzy post cry vision, and a little wine brain). I introduce myself to him, and his friend heckles him into getting a dance with me. Just as we sit down for a dance, it occurs to me that know this man, we had really long conversations together, and he rarely buys dances, so all of a sudden I'm really confused, and my confidence has totally returned. This man on various occasions has said that he believes in me, and my dreams, and my love of art, and interest in investing. One time months and months ago we were talking about TED talks, as we were talking about this, he gave me one of the greatest compliments I have ever received, he said "I would love to hear you give a TED talk, I think it would be great".
I went home, watched some crappy tv, and went to bed. I woke up this morning still feeling like shit. So I snuggled my puppy, closed my blinds and slept for most of the day. I woke up around 4 snuggled my puppy some more. I started to think about the previous day, and how everything went down, and I started thinking about my new years resolutions, one of them was really important and it is... that I take better care of myself, that I start being nice to myself, that I quit beating my self up when I'm not perfect in someone else's eyes. I've always been good enough, which is why I felt like I would be a great Stripper because of my confidence.
Somehow my confidence was lost recently, and I know it takes more than one day of sleeping in to regain it but...I thought, and thought, and thought, and I'm going to be just fine. I'm still me, I'm still here, I'm still all the things I toot my own horn about.
So tonight I went to work, and I was me again, shark walk and all, I reminded myself I can't be anyone else except for myself, which is really who I need to be. I've been wondering so much lately why it seems people don't like me and that's why, I must seem so fake lately. So tonight I went back to being me, and tomorrow I'm going to keep being me, in every aspect of my life, and stop trying to be someone else. SOOOOOOOOOOOO identity crisis is over.
That's the nice thing about finding the bottom, the only way to go is up. Here is to a new year, and an old me, and returning to being the person I love.
Thank you all for sticking with me, through all of it. Reading all my whining, although I don't know all of you personally, but I really appreciate you.
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